Hello everyone-<p>Well it's official, as of 4:00 yesterday I am a single woman. A year ago the thought terrified me, right now I am disappointed, but ready to move on and find what life has to offer me.<p>Court went okay. We negotiated til the bitter end. When all was said and done, I came out on the much better end of things, but then again, I do have four children to support. The only thing that we gave in on was child support. I took less than entitled because otherwise he wouldn't agree. I will now have to contact the child support agency and have them raise the amount. It sounds sneaky and all, but it was the only way to get him to settle. Furthermore, he was fully aware that I could take him back to get the full amount of support as soon as today if I want. I will wait awhile until he establishes a pattern of earning more than he said and get the right amount then.<p>In the end. I got the house with all the appliances, furnishings, etc. and thanks to him having a bigger pension had to pay him much less than expected. He on the other hand has his clothing and a few personal belongings. Furthermore by the time he pays off his pile of debts he will have very little to rebuild a life on. It is amazing what the fog does to people.<p>Things went fairly civil, although at the last minute he had his lawyer request that I change my name back to my maiden name. I refused, not because I am in love with the name, however, I have four children who have that same last name and what message would I be sending to them? It was a slap in the face, but really not a surprise, he has become so vindictive.<p>He was supposed to have the kids afterwards but asked to change visitation because he claimed that he had to switch his work schedule because of court and would have to go in after the hearing. I thought he was lying, but let him switch anyway. In the end, he didn't even go to work, he rushed off to be with the OG. I am sure they were celebrating his freedom and their new life together, but let them. He has settled for a homely, insecure nothing and she has settled for a lying, manipulative, alcoholic. I figure their days are limited and if not, they deserve eachother. I myself am just ready to be done.<p>The kids are taking things pretty well. Nothing really changed for us. This was a legal divorce only. Thanks to the fog and alcoholism, the emotional divorce had already happened.<p>Now I look forward to my new life. Although I would have fought to the bitter end to preserve my marriage, I realize now how unhappy I was. I have done a lot of work on me and I am much more content. I am confident in God's plan for me.<p>I'd like to thank you all for your support. You have helped me more than anyone get through what was a horrible year. I will still be here, checking in and keeping in touch.<p>Although my marriage wasn't saved, I see myself as a success story. By doing what was right, I am a much better person and am content with my life. I am right where I need to be for now.<p>Take care,
K

Good for you! I felt the same way when my divorce became final. You have the whole worldd ahead of you now and can finally put him and his crap behind you. Congratualtions! I know divorce is never a "good" thing but sometimes it turns out that it is the best thing for our situations.

Still Reeling- <p>I'm so glad that you feel ok about how things turned out. Sounds like your XH is still in the fog, as is mine. I think it just makes it that much harder to deal with the pratical aspects of the divorce.<p>When you get things more settled in your life, I'd love to hear what the custody arrangement turned out to be. Hopefully, I'll be having a temporary hearing on Tues. to set up some visitation and make financial arrangements.<p>My XH was evading service of the petition - just to keep control over me - I'm going in to be induced the next day, and the last message I just received from him was that he was TAKING the children on Friday and would not return them for 2 weeks, and not tell me anything about their activities etc.<p>I know he's scared about losing control, but this is ridiculous. I'm seeing my attorney tomorrow. I am also ready to move to the next phase. I've come to terms with what is happening and I too would still like to restore my marriage. However, WH has so many perosnal issues to resolve that right now I'm better and happier without him(that's so sad). The OW wil know soon enough what she's gotten herself into. It won't be moonlight and roses forever - especially with 6 kids between them.<p>Sometimes it seems that God is letting these divorces go through. I really do take comfort that God is guiding everything, and that he only lets things happen according to His plan. Sometimes I want to know the plan and sometimes I don't. All I know is that He is helping me get through this day by day, and for that I am truly thankful. <p>I hope that you see this not as an end, but as a wonderful new beginning to the rest of your life. We have so much to live for, not the least of which is our children. I wish you all the best in the future. Please keep posting and let us know how you feel as you get further from the hearing date. I'm sure I'll be going through all of the same emotions.<p>May God Continue to Bless You and Your Family, K

wow. good for you. you sound so strong. so ready to move on. I am happy for you. best of luck.
how old are the kids? how long were you married?

Glad to hear that things went ok for you. I think its a great idea to wait and let him earn more money and then call the support services.<p>My exh wanted me to change back to my maiden name... I of course said no... I have two children and now I'm glad I didn't because I found out this past summer that the OW has the same frist name as me !!!! I think they have gotten married.... as the "rumor" had it. <p>The part of him getting married to her is sad for me.... but I do know things will get better for me. I guess I keep questioning myself ... that I feel that she "WON"....<p>anyhoot... keep your head high..... you did the right thing...........<p>Blessings,
s

You go girl. They should have a debutante ball for hot chicks like us. <p>Watch out world - here we come.

I don't think they WS ever knows how much they really give up when in the fog. I do agree you are the success and I am so glad to hear you ar moving forward. I know it is not easy but it just seems to keep getting better as time goes when you work at it.

still reeling,<p>Being married or saving a marriage does NOT make a person a success, in my opinion. Being a success to me means being able to be a decent, loyal and loving person. You have been all of these things. And although I am sorry your family unit will no longer be all that you had hoped and dreamed, I am super happy that you still see yourself as a success. <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Yes, you ARE a success!!!<p>Wishing you brightier days, Desiree

(((Still reeling))) <p>I am glad that things went ok for you. I think you did great. <p>I can understand why you are keeping your marriage surname, I don't have children so I opted to change mine back to my maiden surname. But it is a lot of work updating paper work. Driver's licence, Diploma's all these things to change still... <p>Anyway just wanted to say thanks for the update and I'm glad it went well.<p>Love and Care
Pantha

To Still Reeling,
I'm just beginning this process and believe my XH is in serious denial of the reality in our marriage. Our first mediation yesterday went horribly. He's demanding 50% of the time with the kids, when he spent less than 10% of time with him when he was living in the house. Oh and he wants to live in the house and kick me out now.<p>My XH is claiming he has "no issues" and my anger ended it all. I'm just realizing the pain he's put me through all these years, and inattention to the girls. <p>To: Just the Wife
My husband had surgery this summer, after which everything fell apart. Can you describe the "big discoveries" after your husband's accident. My XH seems to have major emotional/maturity issues and I need assistance in dealign with these.<p>Thanks.

Newly,<p>My [censored] and I were doing a last ditch try to make it work thing agreed upon the weekend of the 4th of July 2000. He agreed to stop seeing bimbette and work on us. He worked out of town alot, and was in Utah when he fell 4 1/2 stories in a construction accident on July 12. Police came to the door like they do in the movies, the medical ethicist encouraged me to remove life support, and I said no.<p>Bimbette called the hospital, and I found out they had never stopped sleeping together, she knew nothing about us being back together, and as far as she was concerned was going to marry him as soon as D was final.<p>He confirmed all of this and apologized (big f deal). She didn't want him anymore, his family wouldn't take him. I did the right thing and accepted responsibility for him and have taken care of him since then. He is the kids daddy, and I see no reason not to love my children by taking care of their daddy. <p>I became in charge of all the household stuff, bills and everything. <p>At this point he makes this huge confession about how he gets hookers and lap dances and all this other crapola.<p>I had a long post about it a million years ago. I wish I knew how to find it. <p>Those were my big discoveries. He is a sex addict, and a very sick one.<p>Because my [censored] had a brain injury, I don't know if any of my experiences could relate to yours, but I'll take a stab at it if you wouldn't mind emailing me a few more details.<p>Elizabeth
elizabethwilkie@yahoo.com

Hello everyone-<p>Thanks for all the words of support.
Nduli2 - I too feel that although divorce is not a good thing that it is definately the right thing for us.<p>God is in Control- Our visitation stayed exactly the same. He has them from 4 to 8 on Tuesdays and Thursdays while on first shift, he has the youngest two from 7am to 2 pm two days a week while on second shift (in the summer he will get all four), and he has them from 3 to 8 on Tuesdays and Thursdays while on third shift. it still bothers me that as much as he complains about paying a lot of child support, not once did he offer to take them more. It is just another thing that proves how selfish he is. <p>Your H sounds incredible. There is no way in hell that I would let my X take the kids for two weeks with no information on them. Definately get your lawyer to help you. Actually, my X has never wanted them that long, it would alter his life too much.<p>Keep me posted on the baby. I am so excited for you, I know my little girl has been a wondeful diversion from this whole mess. She and all of her siblings are gifts from God, even if their dad is a mess!<p>katydid- My kids are 9, 7, 3, and 6 months. He left when I was 3 months pregnant. We were married for 10 years and 8 months with the last 12 months being separated.<p>scoik- I can totally relate. The name thing really bothers me. Unless I remarry there is no way that I would have a different name than my children. So as far as I'm concerned, it's his problem. I have a hard time seeing anyone marrying him in light of all he has done to his family, but the OG is really blind to his faults, well, at least so far. You hang in there too. Life does get better and we have done the right thing.<p>justthewife- We have a lot in common; length of marriages, ages of kids are both close. I agree about the ball. I am so ready to get on with the new me! Good luck, I read your story about your X. You are an incredible woman. Isn't amazing how they can be such skilled liars?<p>jabber- I agree, it is getting better. I also agree that they are clueless to what they are giving up. I can only imagine what they feel when the fog eventually lifts. Best of luck to you as well.<p>Roll Me Away- Thanks for the kind words. I totally agree. I fought for years to make my marriage work, long before the affair. Unfortunately I never had a spouse that was willing to be a partner. I am happy and each day is better. Good luck to you as well!<p>Pantha- So nice to hear from you. I think things went well. He looked a wreck and was not satisfied with the agreement. He is however so in denial and I wonder if he will ever take responsibility for his life much less the affair. I think you can relate to that feeling.<p>As for my name, had there been no kids I would have taken my maiden name back in a heartbeat. His isn't the best one in this quite small town, but the kids need me to have it and so it stands. Keep in touch!<p>Newly- Good luck to you. This has been a long and drawn out process, but I have learned a lot and seen tremendous growth in myself throughout it.<p>By the time I filed my X had been out of the house for 8 months so he had grown tired of being super dad. Had I filed right away I think I would have been in the same boat as you. When he first left he suddenly became very involved. spent 10 times more time with them, and did stuff he'd never done with them before, but sadly it was short lived. He is too self centered to be a real father! <p>My X said he took total responsibility for our divorce, but then said it was all because I was a horrible unloving wife, etc. It isn't us, it is them. They simply want to relieve their guilt.<p>I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.<p>Thanks again to all of you. I fought the good fight, but it wasn't meant to be at this time. My X has so many issues, actually the affair was a only small part when it came right down to it. Someone here once said that you have to face the fact of what your actual marriage is not just the dream of what you want it to be. When I was able to do that I found that I was basing my life on a dream, not reality and that even though I had done it for good intentions, it was better to let go. That was a turning point for me. I am totally pumped for the future and am savoring each and every day!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Thanks for your help.
Does everyone on this site have a Wayward spouse?
If so, are there any other discussion forums for non-affair separations? My husband is just emotionally unavailable, and has thyroid problems affecting his ability to function. I don't think he's had an affair, he was home every night, and never really went out alone, just worked alot and never made family or home a priority. (Adult child of alcoholics issues)