<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Rob Crocker ]</p>

Hi Rob --
I don't have any wonderful advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My H just left me and my 3 kids yesterday after what I thought was a month of recovery to go live with OW. To say I am devastated isn't strong enough to describe how I feel. I feel as if I'm physically drained -- can't do anything.
Well, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone!

(((ROB)))
(((SADatHOME)))<p>As my journey ends it saddens me to see people just beginning to walk the path which took so much from me. I have three beautiful daughters and my wife (now x-wife) left me about a 10 months ago.<p>Let me tell you both that the people on this site saved me. They offered advice and encouragement as I was trying to save my marriage, going through my divorce, and still today.<p>Come here, talk often, and my God bless both of you and your families.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I am on the other side of the coin I was the WS but realise my mistake and was given the greenlight by my S that all would be well and we would recover however she had her own agenda and gradually drove a wedge that was unrecoverable between us I as you speak was not a mind reader and asked on numerous occasions what was wrong but was constantly re-assured 'Nothing' I never had the oppurtunity to fix what was wrong but I realise now after only six weeks of seperation that she just wanted her own life and I wasnt a part of it anymore its hard to accept but it slowly sinks in.

I'm so sorry that your family is goign through this horrible event right now.<p>Unfortunately most everyone on this board has been where you are and has experienced that same pain. <p>Right now, just try to get through it hour by hour and day by day. Don't make any important decisions, take some time for you.<p>Usually there is some standard advice for when this happens. First, make sure you and your children have a support system - family, friends, counselor, preist or minter, and most importantly God. Don't try to handle this alone. <p>There are many good books out there to explain the situation you're in like "Dumped." You can do a search on Amazon.com.<p>At this point, know that your marriage isn't necessarily over - although it may seem that way. Please read the info. on this site as well as Surviving an Affair(SAA) by Harley. It will give you tremendous insight into what is happening to you and your wife right now. Knowledge is power, and it will help give you an understanding to help you to make decisions about your marriage, kids etc.<p>You'll be reading about things like Enotional Needs(ENs), Love Busters(LBs), Plan A and Plan B. If you want to try and save your marriage, then learn about these terms and try to Plan A. You can also print out the EN and LB questionaire from this site and try to fill it out as if you were your spouse and then do a Plan A - try to meet her EN's without LBing. The theory is that there was something in the marriage that created an environment for the affair to occur and by dong the Plan A, your wife can see that the marriage is a safe place and a better place to return to. Then, if wshe doesn't return, you can chose to go to Plan B - no communication until she ceases contact with the OM(other man) or go to divorce. <p>You may also be recommended the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, and Plan B is like what he is suggesting, but you have to be sure that the marriage is already a good one before totally giving her the boot otherwise, she'll think she's better off, and why would she return to a marriage in which she was unhappy.<p>MB also considers affairs to be ADDICTIONS - so treat it like one. Think about how she would act if she was on drugs or an alcoholic or something. You'll probably notice some similarities - especially the ones where the spouse will give up everyting for the other person(OP). <p>Don't take everyting she says to you to heart - most often, they regret or don't remember what they said, while "under the influence" of the affair.<p>I know I've bombarded you with alot of information, but eventually you'll need it to get through this. <p>IT's ok right now to be angry, sad, devestated etc. Let those feelings out. Try to help your kids with their feelings and read about what is happening so you know you're not alone and that your wife is not reinventing the wheel.<p>We're all here for you. K

I wish I had the magic bullet for us all. <p>One thing I recommend, if you find your depression getting the best of you, go see a MD and get a temporary presciption for some antidepressants. They will help you keep a clearer head through all this. I took 3 weeks before I did it and am glad that I finally did. They won't usually give them before two weeks because that is termed Adjustment Disorder and is expected in situations like this. <p>I know that someone told me to do this early in my course and I am glad so very glad that I did. I had the worst day of my life the day I finally decided to call and the next day I was starting them. One pill every evening and in a few days my appetite returned. I had lost 40lbs and 5 inches from my waist, so not all bad I guess, but had only eaten about 10K calories over the course of the preceding 4 weeks realistically. I was able to sleep, which will really make a difference in your outlook and daily life, and the perseveration (recurring thoughts over and over again) stopped being so bad. I finally stopped thinking Why, how could she, why, how could she...<p>I have no further answers because I am only 6 or so weeks into this myself, but my advice is to read everything you can get ahold of. If nothing else, it helps you think that you are doing something constructive and I absolutely learned something from every book I read. I will be a better person regardless of whether my wife and I get back together. I also will have a better understanding how to prodeed with either divorce or reconciliation.<p>Keep your head about you for yourself and your children. Someone in their life has to be responsible.

DON'T MAKE ANY LIFE ALTERING DECISIONS. <p>DON'T WRITE ANY LETTERS TO HER. I wrote some things that later I didn't feel or had changed my mind or way of thinking, however since I had written them, she still thinks that is the way I feel and brings up points that I made all the time. She can give lip service to understanding that things have changed, but I don't really believe that she is totally convinced and given the "hard copy" that she has, who is to argue.<p>Hang tough and come back often. Discuss your feelings here. I guarantee that almost all of us have been through or are currently going through what you are or will go through. You are not alone, even though you feel like it.