(Please read thoroughly)<p>My wife and I have been separated for one month now. I've been sleeping in another room in the house. Things may be getting better, and we may be in the process of reconciling.<p>Little background:
She has a daughter (8 yrs old) from a previous BF.
I've raised the daughter since she was 2 yrs.
We have a son of our own (2 yrs old).
We've been married for 2 1/2 yrs. (6/1999)<p>Since the day we've been married, my step-daughter and I never "bonded". She always showed hatred towards me. I try my best to be a father to her (help her on her homework, buy her things, take off from work to attend her class field-trips, etc.). Unfortunately, she still finds a little space in her heart to hate me. The only time I would raise my voice is when her mom, my wife, would try to discipline her and wouldn't listen. That's when I, being the "man of the house" feel the need to tell her that she is doing something wrong. When I do, she gets offensive and runs to her room. I show no favoritism towards my son. I try to treat them both as equals - but can't help get excited when I see him do something new - of course [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . It's been 6 years that this has been going on. I feel that this will never come to a happy end.<p>Lately, my wife and I separated. This is ANOTHER problem. Anyways, I sleep in a different room in the house. This has been going on for 1 month. Since I moved into this room, my stepdaughter has been sleeping in "my spot" on the bed with my wife and son.<p>NOW HERE'S THE PROBLEM...
Now that my wife and I are in the process of reconciling, my stepdaughter feels as though that is "her" spot on that bed now. If my wife tells her that I'm going to sleep there, she will throw a big tantrum all night long. I don't know what to do. If either my wife or I try to tell her whats going on, this will bring on a new dilemma and cause more issues. At this point, I do not want to raise any more issues - due to the fact that my wife and I are in the process of reconciling. I'm afraid that this "stepdaughter" issue will cause another conflict and take me and my wife back to square one, "separation".<p>Someone...Anyone...have advice?

I think this is primaraly an issue for your wife to deal with and have you being a complete and total backup for her, as husband and wife. <p>I think your wife has to make the decsion that she wants to be with her husband. COMPLETELY. No ifs, ands, or buts....<p>From my point she (your wife) should stop using her D to hate you by proxy. I think your wife should land on the side of being a family not the mother of 2 childern of which you fathered one. Its a total package. <p>If you reconcile, your wife must allow you to be her D's father or at least allow you to be the man of the house (as you put it).. <p>Do you want the woman in the house to be your wife or a roommate? If she wants to be your wife it means completely. family and all.. And she MUST back you up too.. Completely. <p>I can find a roommate anywhere...<p>Tex.

Hi,<p>I have really always disagreed with children sleeping in their parent's bed. It doesn't teach the child independence, and it can be harmful to the adult's relationship. In a case where you have a sick infant, or it's a temporary measure, that is different. <p>I think this is for your wife to deal with due to the issues of the relationship you currently have with your step daughter. I think that the step daughter should know this is not "her" spot, and that has to be made clear by your wife, not you.<p>Kids can be tough, and they can have an amazing amount of control over adults, and I see this every day with my daycare that I run.<p>I have a child who sleeps in his mom's bed every day since birth, he's going to be 5 in June. This leaves no time, room, or privacy for intimacy with the adults. It is a strong need for both partners and then it goes unmet, which leads to more trouble.<p>Good luck.
Dana

Have to toss my 2 cents in here.<p>I disagree with Dana. (Although I respect her completely). Since the beginning of time children have slept with their parents. It is only in our wealthy 4 bedroom society that every child has their own room and sleeps by themselves. Breastfeeding, homeschooling, co-sleeping, and attachment parenting are the things I am passionate about. Some people have politics, some religion, for me it's all about the babies. If you want to hear me go on about it (I'd love to) toss me an email. elizabethwilkie@yahoo.com<p>It seems to me that the issue is not simply that the child has taken over your spot in the bed, but that the child seems to need some counseling. I know that everybody on MB sends everybody else to a shrink, including myself, but here is my take on the subject - do with it what you will.<p>If you have been acting as the father to this child since she was 2, you ARE the father. Especially if there is no biological pop hanging around and taking care of her also.<p>Maybe you need to make some steps to make the family whole and not like a mom, dad, son, and "step-daughter". She may feel threatened by not being truly yours. My son is 8 and man can they pick up on things. It's great that you help her with her homework, and are involved in her school activities. Some biological parents aren't that good. <p>I bet if you took her out for lunch one day and had a meeting you could really find out some interesting things. Let her know that she is as important to you as your son, and that you love her and her mother both, not that you love her because you love her mother. <p>Friends of mine got married last year and she had a 6 year old girl from a previous relationship. When they exchanged rings he gave the girl a ring also, and made vows to her. Maybe you and your daughter can sit down and have a talk about wiping the slate clean and starting a fresh family. She may also be worried that if you and her mother did divorce that her brother would get to have a relationship and spend time with you and that she would not. She may need a symbol of your being her parent, like a ring, or a letter to her promising that you will love her and take care of her as much as if she were your biological child. <p>It could be that she loves you, but worries that she would betray her "real" father by letting you be her dad. <p>I am constantly amazed by the things my son has going on in his mind. Things that I could never begin to guess. Funniest thing is, most of these things can be easily explained, but not unless you know they need explaining. <p>I may be way off, won't be the first time, so if I am, ignore me - lots of people do.<p>Elizabeth

Thank you ALL for your reply.
I mentioned some of your advice to my W. She talked to her D and found out a lot of things that she, nor I, ever knew. My SD "IS" jealous of me and thinks that I'll take her mom away from her. It's been 6 years that I've helped raise my StepD and I can't fathom how long these kids carry on these kinds of emotions. They are much smarter than we think. Last night (2/25/02) was my first night back in "my spot" in the bed. My StepD came in and said "goodnight" to both my W and I. *TEAR* [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Although this is just the start - we will STILL need counseling. Anyone know of how to aquire a "good" counselor? Is there a way to look them up - besides the phone book?

You could talk to your daughter and let her know that you don't want to take her mom away from her,
but that you want to share her mom with her..and that you want to share HER with her mom..<p>let her know that you love her just as if she were your own daughter..but biologically it didn't work out that way..but that doesn't mean you don't love her just as much as if she weren't your biological daughter..<p>My brother married a lady who had an 8 yr old..she'll be graduating h/s next year..she really loved my brother because he was the only dad she knew..but when they married she did the same things your step daughter is doing..and is what was bothering her was HER last name was different than her mom's and dad's..sad because of circumstances my brother couldn't adopt her...but, they were able to do a legal name change..which made her feel more apart of the "family" she didn't feel like she was different..and at school
when they asked her name and then asked whats your parents name...she didn't have to give two different last names..<p>So maybe if adoption isn't an option here...maybe you could look into a legal name change..it's something she can also be apart of..you can take her to the lawyers office with you to get the paperwork and show her you love her enough to want her to have your last name just like her mom and her brother..it's especially hard on little ones in school having to fill out the papers and having
to put down a different last name for your parents than yourself..so maybe even this small act will show her that you really do see her as a daughter..and not a step daughter...it made a world of difference for my neice..<p>So maybe discuss this w/ your wife..and your step daughter and see how they would like that idea??

Great ideas from Thorned Rose! I wanted to change my name back when I divorced, but decided that it would be strange for my kids and I to have different names. Although my 'real' name is much better than his icky name I'll suffer with it for the kids. Oh the sacrafices we make....<p>As for finding a good shrink, ask your family doc, or the kids pediatritian. They usually have friends in the biz, and they hear feedback from other patients too. Or try your church, call the secretary, they know Everyone, and Always have an opinion. Let's see, try your SD's school, they have one on staff in your district at least - and it's FREE. All else fails, try the yellow pages, and ask for a free 15 min meeting for you and your wife to see if the person seems ok. If they won't do that - don't even consider them. There is a couple of ads in our yellow pages that mention Christian based counseling, a friend went that route and is relatively sane now....<p>Elizabeth

More advice needed....<p>My wife and I feel that we've done everything to make her understand what's going on. We've told her that no matter what, I'll be in her (SD's) life for quite some time. She then makes it sound like she understands and says "okay" and "sorry", but the next day - goes back to her old self. The things she says hurts me (ie: "I hate you", "You'll never leave my Mom", "My Mom ONLY cares about you"! These comments, of course, are not true. 90% of my W's attention is on her (SD's). And when my wife spends the other 10% on my son or myself, she's quick to react to that.<p>It's so bad that my W and I can't even hold each other or sleep together, or go out to the movies without her (SD) getting upset and raising issues.<p>Some say that it's because I took away her mom from her. But that simply isn't true. I've ALWAYS been in my SD's life since she was 2yrs old. She is now 8 - and nothing has changed.<p>We've tried counseling, and that hasn't helped. What else can we do? This is effecting our marriage too much. And I've had enough.

Follower,<p>Opinions on child rearing is like belly buttons, everyone has one. My opinion is that your SD is acting this way because it brings results. She gets the attention that she craves.<p>When my children were young several things amazed me. I came to realize that they were very smart, but didn't make good decisions because they lacked the data (experience). I also came to realize that selfishness is normal in children. Generousity is a learned attribute and it didn't usually come until children hit about HS age. Some earlier, some later.<p>Your SD is basically selfish as are most children, and she is getting what she wants by behaving as she has. Children are not defenseless and are very adroit at working on the weaknesses of adults. Your W's feelings about divorcing, your feelings, you uncertainty, the issues of the marriage, whatever. The pick it up and use it.<p>Given that opinion what should you do??? Well, you can ignor her, you can reprimand her, you can continue to explain to her what is happening and why, and then do as you and your W wish.<p>I am sure there are more possibilities, but it is my opinion that she will continue until you and W change things around your house.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

I agree w/ JL, make plans for you and wife..
and don't push the guilt aside..if you have to do this slowly thats okay...go on a date just the two of you like to an early movie..then when you get home spend a little time w/ D and then send her to bed..then slowly make those dates longer..<p>You can also make special dates w/ D and S, like once a month plan a day special for just the two of you..one day for you and son one day for you and D, and while your doing the day w/ the one your W can do the day w/ the other one..you can write it on a calendar..so they know to expect it..and right down date nights for you and your W as well, so they know that you and wife will also have that same time together just like you have special dates w/ them...see if that works???