Well, we haven't even gotten to our first assignment, and already there is trouble in paradise. <p>A little background you need to know: we have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years. Over the course of our marriage, my H has had several EA's-about nine that I know of-and one PA that was not intercourse but was other stuff, and one PA that was intercourse. He has been extremely verbally abusive to me, but since I grew up in a physically abusive home as a child, it didn't occur to me that abuse could be emotional and verbal. I just figured if I wasn't being hit, it wasn't mistreatment. Also, for our entire relationship, my H has been a workaholic, averaging in the neighborhood of 80 hours/week "working." For ten years, we were self-employed, working together in a business we both built, so working 80 hours on our own business was easy.<p>On to the current problem:<p>We flew home on Monday, and since arriving home here is how our nights have gone: Monday night, my H went to play poker until midnight, while I stayed home alone with our two kids. Tuesday night he was tired and grouchy. We went out as a family to dinner and spent an hour watching, but he didn't want to talk, and upon going to bed, he was too tired to do anything but immediately fall asleep (I wanted to fool around or at least snuggle, but he said, "Tomorrow night we'll go to bed early so we can!!). Wednesday was a rough day-we had to go to court about our rental property, then I worked ALL DAY (8am to 4pm) at my job, then I raced home to have a bite to eat, and then I attended a class from 6 - 9pm (This week is the last week of this class, and then I will be done, so I'm just trying to finish it up). I was worn-out just from the fast pace of the day, but I was looking forward to getting home around 9:30pm, spending some time with my H holding hands and relaxing a little together, listening to our first assignment tape upstairs in our bedroom, and going to bed early-after all, he had been leading me on and hinting about it all day. <p>At 9pm as I left my class, I called home to let him know I was on my way home. AT THAT TIME, with no warning or discussion, he let me know that one of his customers was giving him a huge amount of pressure to finish a HUGE project with which I had told him I would be willing to help him (about three weeks ago). This project is editing an operations manual that is easily 1000 pages long. At the time when I agreed to help out, I was told that the changes/corrections asked for on the paper copy had already been made on the computer file-all I needed to do was proofread and maybe format a page here and there. Well NONE of the changes had been made on the computer file, and I ended up having to put them all in myself. Needless to say, I feel like I was mislead about the amount of time and effort the project would require, and NOW, I'm being forced to complete a job that requires WAY more time and effort than I agreed to! I have already completed about ¾ of the job, and the task that was being demanded of me was to finish the job. I already work a full-time, 40 hour a week job, but my H is a workaholic, 80 hour a week worker-and I just don't want to work that many hours!!<p>Anyway, back to last night. If we finished this project when I got home (at 9:30pm), we'd be working on it until midnight or beyond!! After this long, emotionally draining, stressful day, not only was I NOT going to get any time to relax or unwind, I was also NOT going to get any time for affection, conversation, loving attention, or promised sex!!! It took a little while (10 minutes maybe), but after I formulated it in my head, I called him back, as I was still driving home, and told him, "I have something to tell you that is not necessarily pretty. Are you ready for that?" He said he was, so I said, "This is not okay with me. I was looking forward to coming home, unwinding, and being with you and spending time together. If we start this project when I get home, we won't be done until midnight, and we were going to listen to the Love Buster tape in bed tonight and then go to bed early. This is the kind of behavior that makes me feel unloved and like work is more important that I am. Just so you know, this is exactly the kind of thing that builds resentment in me."<p>Of course, when I got home he was cold and distant. I worked on the project, feeling forced and lonely and hurt, and HE SAT AROUND AND WATCHED TV and relaxed!! I had been working and going to class all night, and I felt like the customer came first, but what I felt was irrelevant. About 10:30pm, he came into the room and said, "Time for bed." Not, "Are you ready for bed?" or "I would like to go to bed now, would you?" or "Let's put the work down, honey, and go to bed. You've worked long enough today." I was tired enough from my long day that when he demanded "Time for bed," I just closed up the laptop and went to bed without an argument.<p>Needless to say, we lay like two icicles in bed. He didn't talk to me or roll over and hug me or hold hands or feet or anything. I said, "So is the plan to just lay like this and fall asleep?" "YES." After several more minutes of the cold shoulder, I said, "Are you aware that this is hurting me?" "I don't care." Well, with that, I gathered my pillows and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. As I left, I said, "I was looking forward to a night WITH YOU!! Spending time with you, listening to our assignment tape, and having sex that you promised me all day. Now, I'm sleeping alone and you don't care!" He said, "Well, I've dug myself into a hole I can't get out of." I said, "Sure you can. Roll toward me, and say, 'Honey I DO love you and want to be with you. You are WAY more important to me that my customers, and I did not consider the stress and strain you were under today when I added more. You worked hard enough today and now I'm going to think of you and rub your shoulders and show you that I love you." "Well…I guess you better find somebody who can say that to you, huh?" As I left the room, I said, "You know where I'll be. I won't be treated like this-I deserve some respect and love. When you're willing to treat me with love, come get me. And if you choose NOT to come get me, I guess I'll have some decisions to make about the way you are continuing to treat me."<p>He did NOT come to the couch to apologize or get me. <p>This morning, it was more of the same. I said, "Is your plan to ignore me?" "YES" "Why? Why don't you want things right between us?" "Because you yelled at me last night." "No, I told you what was not okay with me." "Well, that's YOUR opinion. I think you yelled at me. Isn't that verbal abuse? I think it WAS verbal abuse. It's my PERCEPTION that counts, you know, not what happened." "So you're going to punish me now, is that it?" "No, you punished me last night-that's when I closed down." He wouldn't stay and talk with me; he wouldn't make things right; and he told me repeatedly that he didn't care what it did to me or how I felt or how much damage it was doing to the marriage. I DON'T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP TALKING TO ME. I WON'T LISTEN. The nail in the coffin was when he said, "Don't come home anymore, I don't care."<p>After the MB Weekend, I felt so much HOPE! Now I just feel disappointed and sad and lonely and hurt and used. The weekend got me to the "maybes": MAYBE I could feel love for this man again; MAYBE I could trust him again; MAYBE there is hope; MAYBE he's really willing to work on it this time… Now, I feel like nothing really changed-I was just fooling myself with hopeful thinking. <p>HELP! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, I think my heart is breaking. I just got off the phone with him, and he says he's knows how much this is hurting me and he knows how much it is harming the relationship, but he doesn't care. He says the MB Weekend was a lie from the beginning--he just did it to get a free vacation. He didn't mean any of it and he was just lying to me all along. I said, "I thought you MEANT it--I thought you were interested and you loved me" and he responded, "You're pretty naive, huh?"<p>Geez, I feel like such a fool. <p>
CJ

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Geez, I feel like such a fool.
<hr></blockquote><p>Please don't feel like a fool. You are far from a fool. You are one of the bravest, strong people around. You gave love a chance to survive.<p>Please don't ever consider yourself a fool in any definition of the word.<p>jdb

(((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))<p>I didn't want to rain on your parade, but I had a sinking feeling as I was reading your description of the MB seminar... It was pretty clear that you looked at it as huge step forward, and he looked at it as something to do to temporarily please the wifey, while also having a fun vacation...<p>CJ, nothing has changed in the equation. He's the same guy he was before, and will probably stay that way. That's all I'll say...<p>AGG

((((CJ)))))<p>Sorry that you are hurting. You have to let go of the business. Let him fall. Of course he'll blame you. He's blaming you already and you're the only one keeping it going. Take your talent and Plan B the bugger!

(((((((((CJ)))))))))))<p>It's school midterms this week, and I'm buried in work, but I didn't know you were going to the MB weekend. I'll try to do a search next week to find out info on that, and what it's about.<p>I'm sorry to hear of this news. You must be exhausted and drained.<p>Hugs, Dana

CJ - you are a wonderful person. He doesn't deserve you.<p>If he is overcommitted and overextended, perhaps it is time to let him fall on his face and have to tell a customer the project isn't finished.<p>I hope you are taking care of yourself and that you find peace and safety. Your heart is being trampled by this brute.<p>Go now, look in the mirror, and tell yourself, "I am a person of worth and wisdom and beauty. I deserve to be loved for who I am. There are lots of people who do love me and who do cherish me. And God made me, I am His child, and He will always be with me." <p>Then, when you can, call me. You have my number. It hasn't changed. I can't wait to tell you how much you mean to me.<p>Your loving Princess-
Cinderella

Oh, I'm so sad for you.<p>I have been off the puter for a few days and in trying to catch up I was hoping to hear that you guys were doing ok.<p>Like all mommies say, If I could take away the pain honey, I would. <p>Plan B.. It is time to take care of you now. <p>Love you, hope you are ok.<p>Elizabeth

Hi hon, I'm new and don't feel I'm familiar enough with the forum to speak, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please don't continue to listen to this abuse anymore. Pick up a copy of the Verbally Abusive Relationship, it may help you to not internalize these words as much. From someone who's been there...

CJ - You know what you need to do... take care of yourself and the kids.<p>Much love,
Nicole