My stbx wants to go to mediation. It sounds like he wants to go to 1) save money on lawyers, ( im all for that) and 2) get away with not giving me as much. Has anyone been thru mediation. How did it work out for you? My ex says everything is negotiable, such as marital debt, spousal support, pension, home equity, ect. I dont know what rights i have. Will the mediator encourage us to be fair, do they make sure each persons rights are not violated? I am so scared that i will lose more than i would if i had a lawyer. My husband was abusive for our entire marriage. there have been multiple restraining orders. I kept giving him more chances. This last separation he had an internet affair and went out of state to meet the OW. When he came back home he continued EA with her. I dont want to go thru this anymore. He wants a divorce but hasnt filed. He has given me lists of things he wants from the house, including half of the health and beauty aids, and food from the pantry, just to mention a few things. I still dont want a divorce. I want him to address his anger and get help. He wants me to sign over his equity in the house. I am so confused, dont know what to do. What has been your experience with mediation. I would appreciate any advice as we are making an appointment this week. Thank you so much.

I haven't been through a mediation before but am about to go through the process of Divorcing. We are going to consult the same lawyer (even though the lawyer will represent only one of us) but we're both committed not to screw over the other.<p>It sounds to me like your H is going to do his best to take as much as he can and giving you as little as possible. I strongly recommend you get in touch with a lawyer. You may even want to consider filing yourself. I've been told that the party who files is in the "drivers seat" when it comes to these things. I don't want to divorce either but it's going to happen so I need to make sure I protect myself. If I need my own lawyer I will certainly go that way but I think we'll be okay.<p>It's a tough time for you right now but try and protect yourself. At the very least don't shut out the possibility of getting a lawyer for yourself.

Thank you for responding. I read a few of your posts and am sorry for the pain that you are going thru. I reconciled with my ex , and he saidit was over. It went on for over a year and finally I found a letter from OW beggin my stbx to stop contacting her. I am so angry for trying to put our marriage back together and yet i feel like if i file , that i am the one ending it. I dont want to get him angry so i havent retained a lawyer, and i secretly hope he will come to his senses. This is usually how i get hurt. I went to an attorney and she suggested that i try mediation, but i am so scared , cause i think i will be manipulated just to keep the peace. OR what little of it , we have.

I can sympathize. I haven't posted a real update in a litte while but my wife and I are on relatively good terms but she is adamant that she does not want to be with me so I've pretty much told her that I need space to heal. She is afraid of losing my friendship but she was at his place just last night "hanging out". I am fed up and am ready to get the process started so I can try and heal. It's REALLY hard and I still want to be with her.<p>I understand you don't want to feel like you're the one giving up but I really pray that you go into this with eyes wide open so you can protect yourself. Are you able to support yourself if this happens? I sure wish none of us had to go through these difficult times but I'm beginning to think that this is my Test and whether or not I end up with my W it will make me a better person. Please be careful and look out for yourself. I'm not the best at giving advice but I wanted to let you know that someone is out there rooting for you.

Thank you so much, I sure do need encouragement. I dont make a lot of money. I work as a teacher in a Christian School. I want to try to keep my home for me and the kids. I think i can swing things with child support and all. I need to develop a strategic side and to start lookin out for me and the kids. He is a great dad, likes todo things with the kids and such. I feel guilty splitting our family up. But it has been so difficult all these years with all the abuse . My older daughter has seen so much. She is just now getting used to the peace in our home. I will pray for you to have the strenght to go thru this journey. Take care.

I amso sorry for what you and your children are going through.<p>I am not divorced after 3 years of separation, and mediation will not work for my situation.
I am not a mediator as yet,but am studying to be one.....will have my certiicate from a university after 2 years of part time study......so I will try to give you some input.<p>The mediator's role is to manage the process and facilitate the communication between the parties.<p>A trained mediator in family mediation is who you should use. This is a voluntary process and you should not be coerced or manipulated into anything that you do not agree to.<p>You should also negotiate understanding your alternatives if there will not be a mediated settlement.<p>Trained mediators are well aware of power imbalances, abuse etc and try to facilitate a process whereby you and your spouse can voluntarily and jointly agree to the settlement regarding property, children and other issues.<p>No agreement can be made in mediation without you... <p>And yes, from what I do know, it is vital for you to engage a lawyer to ensure you have not signed an agreement that is very lopsided and detrimental to you.<p>You have nothing to lose by trying mediation.<p>Good luck.<p>You migt want to search mediate.com for more information

double post...sorry<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</p>

Here's a topic where I can lend a little of my own experience. The comment made earlier that "you have nothing to lose" by trying mediation is accurate--sort of. But what concerns me in your situation is your statement that your H was/is verbally abusive. That tells me that there exists a huge power imbalance in your relationship. While mediation should, in theory, nullify such imbalances, such has not been my experience. And this is by no fault of the mediator. You're right that your H wants to go through mediation because then he's dealing more directly with you. What has been his past experience in dealing with you? I would guess that he's been able to coerce and intimidate you into just about anything he wants.<p>During mediation sessions, I would expect one of two things to happen. One, he will act the sincerely cooperative and pious party while in mediation, then try to pin you to do his bidding once you step out of the office. (Threatening to take you to court if you don't give in is always a favorite tactic.) Or two, he will see the mediator's attempts at neutrality as taking your side. At which point he'll promptly throw a tantrum about the injustice heaped upon him and storm from the table.<p>I know you hate to do it because it feels like giving up, but you do need to find an attorney. That doesn't mean you need to file. But your attorney can get things rolling with child support orders and such. In my case, that just happened to be the act that caused my H to file. No surprise--he had been using it as a battle-axe for months.<p>Even if you should decide to attempt mediation, you should have an attorney. Your mediator can't help you in making the legal decisions or determining the "justness" of any agreements. Also, please check in your area for a mediator who is affiliated with the United Way. That's what we used here and it saved us both a bundle (which is a good thing, because we wound up letting our attorneys do the work anyway). These mediators operate on a sliding scale fee.<p>Just remember that it's no longer your job to look out for your H's interests. That's a hard one to get. Your concerns are yourself and your children. Rest assured, you will be blamed for all of his financial woes. But try your best to ignore his verbal assaults. This is the road that he chose--now it's your turn to choose your own path.<p>God bless. I will keep checking here for your progress.

I just went to my first mediation on Wednesday, and met with my lawyer on Thursday. The mediator will read both parties actions and try to help them decide on what is best. But my lawyer told me to be honest about what I want, stop trying to be fair. I don't want my H to take the kids 50% of the time, so I need to tell the mediator that in our next visit. Our mediator is a lawyer. Seeing her means that we're each paying 1/2 of a lawyer's fee, but getting things settled then and there, rather than waiting for our 2 individual lawyers to write letters back & forth (at twice or more of their fees).
Our mediator gave us a packet of information which I still need to read regarding the process.
It's worth a try. You can talk to the mediator before the session to feel better about it too.
Just don't let him bully you. If he does, a good mediator will see that and ensure that any decisions are in the best interest of both parties. But I still need my own lawyer to help discern boundaries, rights, etc.
Good Luck.

You don't have to sign an agreement that you're uncomfortable with. And you also have the right to have an attorney review the agreement before it gets filed. Your attorney can advise you on whether or not you've given up too much.

Thank you all for your replies. I think i will go to a mediation session and see how it goes. Maybe we can get the little things agreed upon. I feel the bigger issues will need to be executed by an attorney. My stbx thinks he gets to decide what he pays. There are so many issues to consider that I cant think of on my own. Ive been reading alot and found some important information that needs to be included in divorce agreement, such as college tuition and orthodontic work. Unfortunately for me our home value has gone up 20,000 since that last time we almost separated. Thats going to be the hardest burden for me. I looked up that mediation site and found that helpful. Thank you all so much. Ill post after i go to the first mediation. Take care everyone.

Good luck in your mediation sessions.<p>Please understand that mediation does not work for everyone.....and understand that there are alternatives should this not work. <p>What you do need to know is that if your H threatens that if you do not do x then he will do y, ignore this. Do not give anything which makes no sense to your situation and a mediator will not "make" you do this. But understands what happens if mefiation cannot work for you....litigation probably.<p>Mediation means that you and your husband make decisions for you and your children. Litigation means someone else does. Only you can decide which is best for you.<p>My H and I could not even mediate treatment for a very troubled 18 year old son!,let alone all the rest....and I have 4 kids!<p>Fortunately my son and I are leaving tomorrow to start the process to getting him the help he so desperatly needs....and his father will have nothing to do with this, deciding son is simply worthless!<p>If the mediator is not able to "level" the playing field, you just do not have to play.

Rosita, where do you live, if I'm not being too personal? I found a great mediator, and she's making real sure that it stays fair as far as she can go without representing either of us. We will also each have attorneys to advise us. Bascially my stbx is wanting to pay $1200 (well, he's not really wanting to, but the bimbo, uh, OW, is on his case about getting a divorce...) in child support and the mediator has got him to agree to college expenses for all four kids, as well as giving me his password to his "private" checking account. I think one thing I would have done different was to get an attorney or at least consult with one before the mediation. Half of the money in his private checking was supposed to be mine, but he's run it down to $60 now. Says he was paying bills, but he was supposed to be paying those anyway....

I asked my stbx when a good time for him to go tot he mediator would be, since he asked me to make the appointment. I told him that i would try to work it out with a mediator. He then told me , " Well if you make the appointment , then you will be the only one there, cause I want to go over things with you before the mediators" Then he said, " Also know this , YOU WILL NOT GET EVERYTHING!" I know I wont get everything and dont want everything. I am starting to think that going to mediation is another way for him to manipulate me. At the end of our conversation he told me that I am too crazy for him. Did I miss something here? I agreed to try mediation and now he says he isnt gonna go unless I hash things out with him before we go. Uggh what does this man want?

Tread carefully, Rosita. Sounds to me as though he wants exactly what you said--to manipulate the situation such that you've agreed to all of his demands before ever setting foot in an office. Basically, he wants to play attorney and judge, deciding what he's going to pay and when he's going to see the kids.<p>Mediation can work for some people, but I'm definitely not betting on your H being among those who will respond to it. I fear that you will feel pressured to give up everything in an effort to keep the peace or establish goodwill. Whatever you do, please please PLEASE don't sign or agree to anything without consulting with an attorney, friends, family--someone.

STill havent been to a mediator. I have an appointment with an attorney. Was wondering how some of you were making out with the progress of your cases.