hi i have been reading marriage building and also the posts here for several months,but this is the first time posting. wife and i have been seperated a year,and i have been using these principles to try to work on our marriage,and asking her to come home and work it out,(taking her out on dates and things)she never would come home. I never went out with any other women during this time. I finally got tired of trying and met another woman and have started going out with her,now wife has started crying and calling wanting to come home and work it out??????????? now i dont want her back,but feel guilty. this woman I've met and i get along great and have gotten serious. any thoughts or suggestions would be app.

sorry left out some info. we have been married 23 years. and this is the fourth seperation in 9 years.

It sounds like your wife has been using the separation as a weapon against you. As long as you were wanting to work things out, she wanted to keep you on the line, but as soon as you stopped, she realized that she was losing a man who was devoted to her. <P>I think that you should continue to see your new friend, and let your wife know that if she really wants you back, she will have to make some changes. She needs to realize that you are not going to accede to her demands any more. <P>We read so many posts from women who have husbands who refuse to try to improve the marriage that lots of people tend to generalize that all men are the ones who cause the problems. With you and me, the situation is completely different. I say that if you have found a woman who appreciates a man who treats her well, why go back to a woman who feels you are her personal toilet paper. <P>I only wish that I had realized this before I married and sentenced myself to a lifetime of misery. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You<BR>John

thanks IsIt2late.I think you hit the nail on the head. during the whole 12 months she kept saying if you do this and if you will do that ill come home.she did this the other times she left.When i told her i was seeing someone else,it turned 180 degrees around. feb 6 i could get a divorse,but maybe i should wait. continue to see my friend,and see if she can change. I know i could never go back to the way it has been with her for the last 10 years. I still love my wife but i cant live with a woman where love is conditional,if you know what i mean.It may not work out with my new friend or my wife,but either way I am determined to be happy. any suggestions or advice from anyone on this forum will be greatly app.I have found that my thinking tends to be biased towards what i want and not what should be done :-) so I need advice from others to make sure I'm on the right track.

thanks IsIt2late.I think you hit the nail on the head. during the whole 12 months she kept saying if you do this and if you will do that ill come home.she did this the other times she left.When i told her i was seeing someone else,it turned 180 degrees around. feb 6 i could get a divorse,but maybe i should wait. continue to see my friend,and see if she can change. I know i could never go back to the way it has been with her for the last 10 years. I still love my wife but i cant live with a woman where love is conditional,if you know what i mean.It may not work out with my new friend or my wife,but either way I am determined to be happy. any suggestions or advice from anyone on this forum will be greatly app.I have found that my thinking tends to be biased towards what i want and not what should be done :-) so I need advice from others to make sure I'm on the right track.

rickb,<P>Just an opinion. If you can divorce on Feb. 6, and you don't want to be married to current wife, then perhaps the divorce is the right thing. However, the decision should be made based on your marriage and wife not the OW in this situation. <P>Do you know why your wife wanted the separation or is this something that both of you decided on? How long have the separations lasted? This one was year, where the others of this duration? Are there children involved or are they out of the house? All of these issues are important and you haven't mentioned them.<P>The new friend is not the reason to divorce. She may or may not be with you in the future. I say back off some, but you had better get issues with W sorted out.<P>Isit2late, seems to be correct she was using the separation as a punishment. Why is she trying to punish you? Is/was there another man in the picture?<P>As you can see I have asked more question than I have answered, but it seems to me you need to be seriously asking yourself these questions and many more. A divorce is a serious thing and this is Marriage Builders.<P>Finally, divorces are not necessarily the end of a relationship, some (but not many) do remarry.<P>If you can delay the divorce to further explore you feeling then maybe that is good. If you have gone through Plan A and Plan B, and the loving feelings are gone along with desire to work on the marriage then you have done what you can do.<P>Good Luck<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited February 02, 2000).]

had a talk with wife. yesterday,she was crying and all upset,because i was going to file for divorce.I asked her did she really want to come back home and work it out.She said she loved me but was not ready to come back???????why is she putting this guilt trip on me, when Ive been trying a year to get her to come back and work it out? Im done being kept on a sting.I dont want a week end wife who sees me at her convenince.Im filing for divorce today.She calls me every day crying,saying she doesnt want a divorce,this makes me feel bad. Im still seeing my new friend and we are getting along great.Any ideas of what is going on? should i feel guilty? Why is she doing this?

This really sounds like manipulation to me. If she did not want a divorce, she would be back in a NY minute. I don't think you should allow yourself to be manipulated any more. Go File.<P>John

Rick- What does your W say when you ask her why she is not ready to return home? It sounds like you've been through a lot over the years, but please think things through carefully. Yes, it is true that you now have an option with the other woman, but it doesn't sound like you truly want things over with your W. Lindsey