This is the post I made on Recovery as I bid them farewell. I am heading down the rocky road of Divorce and hope I am welcome to mingle here. Feel free to post thoughts. Thanks.<p>
"We never entered into a real recovery. My W has given me signals that there might be some hope but they weren't what I thought. She is afraid to lose my friendship but has long since come to terms about losing me as a husband.
I did make changes to myself. She noticed them. I recognize the mistakes I made in our marriage and come to grips with it. I'm accepting now that it is indeed the end and I am wondering if being a friend to my W is healthy for me. We get along better now than we have in a long time. This is great for our son.<p>I let her file for divorce because I didn't want to be accused of controling and I didn't want her to think that I had given up. I should be served sometime next week but we're going to do this together, both of us sit down with her lawyer to hammer out minimal details.<p>The thing that really motivated her to do this is that I drove over to OMs place on Weds. and she was there "just hanging out". No confrontation she came out, took her leave and we met at our house. I took a peek in her journal in the 5 minutes I had before she got there. She wrote the day before that she didn't know why she bothered with this guy but that she was going to "take beer, Alicia Keyes CD and a massage and see if he responds". So she went there to seduce him but he had a friend there and it didn't happen. I never told her about the journal because I know it will hurt her alot. She maintains that she is only a friend to him and it will be nothing more. It's all too much for me and I told her to deal with her life before she continues this mess anymore. So now we are. Maybe it was forced and the decision reached for the wrong reasons but I cannot sit back and watch this happen anymore. I want out or I want a real recovery.<p>So now I question how much of her I should see, how friendly we really should be. I can't help but have hope that someday we might explore each other as options but I don't WANT that hope anymore. I know it won't go away if I see her, just as I did today. Anyone have some perspective on this?<p>I'm also past the point where I think I will do something stupid to the OM. I came very close this past week. I sit here and glance at my son as he naps on the couch and I know how much he relies on me, I remember how much I relied on my Dad and how much it hurt when he let me down. I won't do that to him, no matter how lonely or sad I am. <p>I do feel myself lapsing into bouts of some pretty nasty depression, find myself trying to sleep alot but it's an illusion because I can't sleep. Back to not eating much, no interest in anything. Fantasizing about disappearing or suicide (as hard as that is to admit even to strangers). Again my son gets me through these painful thoughts. I'm just really, really tired. It's been a down week, no work this week. I'm low on funds and I have been extremely ill this week, coughing up blood and had a misgrain for two days. I'm coming out of that and I hope that I get back to work next week because I really need the distraction and the income. In the space of a few months I've lost my job, my home, my wife and even a REALLY good counselor (I opted to let her continue with him for her benefit). Been a helluva year.<p>It's really starting to set in now and I have even told my father and sister about what's going on. That's a big step for me because I DO NOT share with my family. Her family is coming around and warming back up to her because they don't think she's seeing the OM anymore. It's hard for me not to say I'm through with this because she's still seeing him but I know that would do no one any good. At the same time it's hard because they will have to shut me out some in order to repair things with her and they've been the only family I have had for a long time.<p>I am pretty sure that W will resume relationship with OM once he feels "safe" and that's hard. She says it won't happen but well her word isn't the easiest thing to take on faith anymore. That's part of the reason I think I need the distance from her. Yet at the same time being around her makes me feel better. It's a tough time.<p>I don't know that I'll ever fully trust another woman but I'm sure we all say that. I do know that if someone does manage to snare me that I'll be twice the catch that I was but the thought of making myself this vulnerable again is totally nauseating. <p>Good luck to everyone who travels the long and painful road of recovery. I pray I won't bump into you on the Divorcing board but if I do I've got a friendly shoulder and willing ears. <p>Josh aka Seeking_Guidance"

SG,<p>I piece of advice. Get your own lawyer to look over anything your W's lawyer comes up with. Her lawyer is working for her, not you, and not even your son.<p>Second, piece of advice. If you have a counselor you like go use him/her even if your W sees him/her as well. You will need some help.<p>I am truely sorry it is coming to this.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

We have all made mistakes, it is to bad we can't go back and correct them, the out come would be different perhaps. None of us deserve this even though we did make mistakes. remember this is totally about you affairs are the most selfish self centered thing someone can do and unfortunately you are the one who feels punished for no reason what so ever. Lighten up on yourself. these are her choices and you have no control over her. You will trust again and perhaps love again, and you are correct if you deal with things proper now you will be twice the catch in the future, unfortunate for your W she can't see what she is loosing right now.

Hi,<p>This is so heartbreaking. I feel so sad for men who have this done to them because you really do helplessly lose so much. It's so unfair. Especially with your little boy so young. All I can say is that being "friends" is really hard because your emotions continue up and down on the rollercoaster for a long time (even years) and sometimes it's just better for your sanity to just end it. Now I mean as real "friends". I could never just call my X to talk about stuff or hang out, NEVER. I can't consider him a friend after all the lying and cheating and his disrespect towards me in every possible way. But even tho I don't think friends is healthy, I do think politeness and being cordial is needed, for the kids sakes. I do believe there also needs to be boundaries set for anything past that (for example, my X thinks he can just walk into my house - uh uh, excuse me, no).<p>Some people end up years later getting back together - I don't know if you want that or not. You guys are young, maybe she needs a few more years to grow up. Your best shot at the possibility is being polite. But no, you don't have to be friends.<p>And her family shouldn't disown you as long as you are decent towards them. They have a grandson and you are his dad, there is a bond there. That's a hard one tho, I've heard of so many in-laws backing their cheating offspring. My in-laws are backing me. His brother & wife in Texas even offered to let me live with them if things get too tough for us. Doesn't mean they won't speak to him, just that they are decent enough to not cut people out of their lives so easily as the X is able to.<p>I can "hear" that you are tired. Like the fight has been knocked right out of you. If you really are fighting depression, please seek out a doctor and to get help with that. Lots of people here have had to get help. There is still a world you need to be able to function in out there. This is the hardest part of your life you'll have to get through. Things will get better in time, I promise. Couldn't get worse right? Just get the help you need, keep your focus, keep your priorities (mine are God, family, work), don't go doing anything desperate. By desperate, I mean acting on any of those thoughts or rebounding straight into another relationship-nothing wrong with being by yourself for a little while.<p>And find a REAL friend who'll listen to you when you need to talk, like mom or a sister. There's tons of therapy in just that alone. I don't usually write THIS much, but I can just remember being there and I know it's bad. There are SO many kind souls here who will listen. Take care.

SIG, <p>Thanks for posting and sharing so much about your situation. I can relate to feeling depressed and wanting to sleep. I have spent many weekends when i didnt have the kids doing that. Its tough being friends. Ill give you an example. I was inviting my stbx over for supper and spending time with the kids. One night he was so sweet to me and things got comfortable and intimate. Before that night i was starting to heal and was on my way to accepting that it was over. But after that night all my emotions, even stronger than before, surfaced. I went back into a depression even worse than before. YOu see before we split up we hadnt been physical for 6 months. So now we got too close . For me it was emotional cause i didnt want the divorce, but for him it was physical. Since then i have set boundaries. YOu have to start protecting yourself. If you keep picking at a scab it takes longer to heal. I am trying to have a business relationship. I am polite and cordial but not more than that. No one can take care of you , better than you. You are loved and special. Protect yourself emotionally and legally. I got some good advice from you. <p>I understand you don't want to feel like you're the one giving up but I really pray that you go into this with eyes wide open so you can protect yourself. <p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: rosita <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr><pre> </pre><hr></blockquote><p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: rosita ]</p>

Seeking,
I agree with Weirded-Out, you need to get your own lawyer to help you. My now X said some of the same things about being friends and not needing attorneys. But when her papers came from her attorney after saying they weren't going to ask for much, just liberal visitation, they tried to screw me, making all kinds of mistakes even I could pick out.<p>She eventually fired her attorney and they still made a mistake in that they chose to request part of my pension that is anchored and she can't touch it, neither can I for 5 yrs after I leave the employer.<p>Also you need to start watching out for yourself. If you have been Plan Aing, you may have neglected yourself and now is not the time to continue that. You need to do what is best for you and your son. <p>Have you done anything about preventing stbx having om around your son? What would stop her from moving in with this guy?? That is something you need to consider.<p>As for being a friend, I don't know your whole story, but know the pain you had and and are suffering with and she brought that on. Is that something you would want in a friend?<p>I think it would be painful for you. It still bothers me to see my x and we have been divorced for 2 yrs.<p>Take care of yourself.
Hang in!
Bob

Thanks for all the replies. It's been a really hard week.<p>I'm going to make it through this okay one way or another. I will definately protect myself legally. Starting to get over my sickness now. I'll pull through with some support it's just hard to believe the end has truly begun. What's worse is that she is probably with him right now. I will definately look into my options as far as keeping him away from my boy.<p>These are trying times.

To follow up, I just had a huge arguement with my x. She pretty much let me know she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants when she has the kids.<p>This all steamed from her changing her work schedule so she doen't ahve to work weekends and can now pick and choose what weekends she takes the kids. I have been seeing a woman form out of town and we get together everyother weekend when neither of us has the kids. This may put a serious crimp in our relationship.
X is also taking s out of school 3 days early for spring break, but is being him back while they are still on break. It was too expensive to go during the regular break. She also said it was hard getting airline tickets then. I find that semi-hard to believe. Has air travel picked up that much?<p>Any way, there is no way for us to be friends. I can't wait till om/h dumps her so I can laugh in her face!!!

RWD:<p>Logically I know that being friends with an Ex isn't possible in the long term. If it were, then we wouldn't be Ex-es! When she (or I) meets someone and there is constantly conflict because of an Ex then something will give. I told her this but she says "Well then they'll just have to move on.". It's not so easy as that, what happens when one Ex is using that leverage to KEEP the other out of relationships? It's logical to me that it can't really happen.<p>On top of that, it's almost 3 am here and I am so wide awake because the anger came rushing back tenfold and I found myself laying in bed thinking of ways to torture the OM. Not good and not conducive to sleep. Not conducive to maintaining a friendship with the woman who could very well be in his arms right now. I don't know what it is I need to let get this out of my head but I fear I NEED this confrontation. Trying to remain logical. Worst part of it is I can't even call someone because my cell phone got to be too expensive and I shut it off. Back to local land lines. Back to seek my sanity as well.

Get your own lawyer. You should not sit down with her lawyer. This is a definite no, no. This is what we are going to do. I am going to have my own lawyer, and my H will have to get his own. Even if he is his own lawyer, then that is it. <p>One lawyer cannot be fair to both the parties. They will take a side, so it needs to different people and things should be handled well.<p>Know how you feel, I am so depressed, so low, and so rejected. This is so hard, and as far as getting close, Steve Harley said do what you feel is okay.

Seeking,
I know what you are feeling, as I've been there and am still there sometimes.<p>I suggest avoiding the om. I have so far and plan to keep on doing so. Neither he nor she are worth going to jail for which would jepordize me having the kids. That would be worse.

Seeking,<p>I'm in exactly the same boat as you are. In fact when I read your post I thought it could have been written by me. All I can say is just hang in there, don't do anything you will regret or prevent you from spending time with your son. What else can we do except be the best dads we can be with the time we have? It's taken me 4 months to realize this, and I still have lapses in judgement.<p>Don't make the same mistake as me and sign anything you don't feel truly comfortable with. Don't give up anything on "good intentions." Get everything you're entitled to. I gave up way too much thinking we would always be friends and she would be fair, and now I regret it.<p>Maintain a business relationship with her. Over time maybe we can be friends again but not now. Time is our only true friend, I just wish it moved faster sometimes.<p>My thoughts are with you brother, we share many of the same feelings right now.<p>Daren

Seeking Guidance,
HOw are you doing? Havent seen any posts from you lately. Let us know how you are doing