Hello everyone. I have not been to this site in eons. I have hit a snag in my recovery and always marveled at the wonderful advice given here.
My marriage lasted a miserable 3 years. It was final last June. During that time, I was emotionally/psychologically/financially/sexually abused....I used to beg him to hit me...THAT pain might have disappeared alot sooner!
He ended up having 2 affairs...both with friends of mine. The last one with the friend I grew up with...and who was closer to me than my own sister.
When I was pregnant, he accused me of doing so on purpose. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby...he wanted me to get rid of "it". Finally, after giving birth, I decided I had to get out. My parents were happy enough to pay for the divorce.
Now, to the dilemma (for want of a better word)...
I finally had some closure with him recently. I told him, calmly, what I thought of him; including the fact that I highly doubt he loves my son (I am sorry, I cannot refer to that man as the father). To be honest, when he comes for visitation, my skin crawls when he touches that precious baby!
During that time, he denied ever having anything more than a friendship with my former friend. Part of me wanted to believe it...I am so tired of feeling angry and hurt!
WELL...this last visitation day, he left his dayplanner behind. And, yes, I snooped. He has weekends away planned with her and I'm sure her husband is not invited!
WHY does this still bother me so badly?? WHEN will I get over it??? Will I ever feel able to trust a man again?? This anger that is bottled up is festering. I find myself at least once a day quoting that old saying, "what goes around comes around...tenfold" and wishing it would happen to him NOW!
I have great friends now to talk to...great family...should I consider a counselor again? I had to see one right after I filed for divorce..I was on such shaky ground!
Are these feelings normal?? Please help!

J-A-M,
Tune up counseling is a good idea. I went last summer after some problems in my life that I learned was not all due to my divorce. I know how you feel, I was the same way. It just takes time.<p>You will slip and the nager will come back. I just had an argument with my x and we have been divorced two years. But as my friends pointed out we are human, and we are allowed to react that way. It just let it become the norm.<p>Hang in!

RWD:<p>Thank you. I found myself running to the computer this morning to see if anyone had posted a reply. I guess I just wanted to make sure the feelings I have are normal!
Someone told me recently that I still have a connection to him. He was right. I had hoped that it would end as soon as the papers were signed.
I refuse to shed one more tear for that man. He never did for me!
I have tried to explain to family and friends that this entire affair thing would have been easier to swallow if he'd been with a complete stranger...and not someone I thought was my best friend/bosom buddy/kindred spirit.
To be honest, I felt worse about losing her friendship than I did losing him. He gave me nothing where she, at least at one time, gave me a sense of love and security.
Anyway, I could go on and on about my feelings and anger...and that would get me nowhere.
Thank you again, RWD.

you have a right to be angry, I have read when you get to the anger stage it is a sign of acceptance and you are moving on the anger allows us to see the truth and face ourselves then move forward. I also read it is what we do with the anger and how we respond to it that will determine how we grow and develop a new life for ourselves, counseling helps. this all takes time it has been 14 months for me and I still have anger and frustration but it gets better each day . I just stay focused on me and try to realize I am much better off with out her than I was with her.

I've read that it can take 2, up to 5 years to fully recover emotionally from this, so your feelings are defiitely normal.<p>Just try to concentrate on yourself now to get some closure. Counseling is a great start. Ther eare also lots of books like "Rebuilding" and others that can help you work on how to sort out your feelings and put them in the past.<p>There are also support groups in the community, many that are church based that you could attend to get advice.<p>Also, don't forget your relationship with God. He'll help you to learn to forgive and put the anger and resentment behind you.<p>Wishing you much happiness in the future. K

Back to the shrink honey, just for a quick adjustment.<p>I wonder if I will ever truly be "over" this. I know I can move on, have joy, and hopefully a fufilling relationship with a man; but I don't think that I will ever be to a point where I will not feel hurt over what has been done to me. <p>I don't think I have to either. That may sound weird, but this marriage has been a huge part of my life and I devoted it to him. We will always have the children in common, and how can I not have a tiny bit of love for the man who helped me get my BEAUTIFUL babies? <p>I don't want to forget these years of my life either. Although some of it has been more than horrid, I have learned so much about myself and people in general. <p>I think anything we feel in regard to this type of situation is normal, no matter how long it has been, or how much we have moved on. Feelings are always valid no matter how off the wall they seem. <p>Elizabeth

I want to thank everyone who offered advice...I was sure I was losing my mind.<p>If there is one thing I can say about this divorce thing...I feel I have become closer to God. It is so easy to talk to Him and cry on His shoulder...He doesn't seem to judge me. He just shows his never ending love and wisdom. I find it everyday in the little things...the way my son calls me Mama...the new friends I am making everyday....the way I look in a mirror and think..."ya know, girl...you ain't so bad after all". <p>I am trying very hard to not lump all men in the category of my ex. I am finding it difficult to make female friends....once bitten, twice shy. I am making them...they all say that I do have a bit of a wall, though. Thank God they all understand. <p>I am also trying to remember that he did have a part in making my son. It's really difficult because he was so cruel...and I will never believe he has any love for him. I truly believe he is incapable of love.
I think back to his mom telling me..."do NOT marry my son"...and could kick myself! [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Anyway, I digress...everyday is a challenge...and it's such a rollercoaster ride. But, God is in Control....FIVE YEARS??????? Lord help me!