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#721753 02/24/02 07:43 PM
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I wanted to impose on the collective wisdom once again..<p>As I write this I'm hearing the Talking Heads " Once in a Lifetime"..( y'know.. "you may ask your self.. this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife..) LOL<p>I am definitely feeling out of sorts. WS filed on 1/24/02. I went to my lawyer on 02/15/02. God is good; my lawyer, she's great. But..<p>I feel..? My ws is having a great life. Parties, love, etc. I am struggling with day to day issues, alone. I am growing, but feel strained, sometimes too much so.<p>I was wondering, is this "normal"? Ws moving on, great life. I'm fighting not to be stuck, take ownership of that which is mine, be positive,etc. And not allow what I percieve as the betrayal, the loss of my marriage, flood me with self doubt, resentment, etc. <p>But I seem to be the only one suffering.. feeling the loss. I don't know if this is 'cause she "moved on" first, or if I'm ..missing something critical. The betrayal and my identity in the marriage is never far from the surface, my surface. <p>I went to plan B on Thanksgiving..<p>I've been studying several books lately , especially Beatty's "Language of Letting Go".. I feel I've been reading, posting ( for almost a year), and reading and studying some more..and I just still feel that my life is disjointed.. Ws seems to conduct no internal review ( just young and cute) and has a great time..my time is filled w reflection..trying to understand for some time now..and things suck.<p>What a vent..sorry..<p>Am I missing a key to recovery here? What is the deal? Is this typical BS bs?<p>Dan<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

#721754 02/24/02 07:59 PM
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Family Man,
It is normal. I still struggle some and I have been divorced for 2 yrs. It does get better.<p>I just had a blow up with my x because she changed her work hours and looks like she may plan on changing her weekends. I asked/confronted her on it and she said the kids can come anytime. Usually she isn't there so it really gets to me.<p>I just have to refocus and get over this.<p>You can do the same. Another good book to help is "Rebuilding When Your relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher.<p>Hang in!

#721755 02/24/02 08:03 PM
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There are steps to go through. She either is only appearing to have "recovered", or is skipping some major things that will come back to haunt her later. Or, she could be like [censored]. Nothing inside. <p>You are so normal. You need to analyze, cry, feel, think, experience, and grow. The loss of a marriage is just like a death. There is a process, some steps are easy, some are hard. Some we have to go over and over before it makes sense, some never will.<p>Read your books, post and respond, use your supports, and never feel not normal.<p>I think most BS's wonder why it is so easy for the other one to just continue on with life and never seem to feel what we are experiencing.<p>I look at him and I wonder if he ever even loved me a tiny bit. I can't see how he could, he can just pick up as if ten years of marriage meant nothing. Like I was just some blip on a screen. Something that slowed him down for a few seconds. <p>You have to be normal. If you aren't, it means that we are both crazy. <p>Elizabeth

#721756 02/24/02 08:48 PM
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You're normal, in fact, you are more than normal, you are a very caring, sensitive, compassionate person - and well, your WS isn't, at least in the state she's in.<p>It's the fog. <p>My theory - for what it's worth - is that because the WS doesn't see a problem with their behavior, it takes longer for them - and sometimes it takes forever for them - to come back to reality and deal with the real issues in their life.<p>One of the counselors I've seen said that sometimes people come to a brick wall/obstacle in their lives and instead of dealing with it, they fiond a distraction - could be work, could be alcohol, could be an affair.<p>My WH never grew up. He has low self-esteem and he has conflict avoidance issues which I believe put him in the position he's in now, because he never wanted to deal with the realities of his life. <p>Don't think their life is better than yours. They are still acting like children and in a fantasy world jsut going around hurting themselves and others.<p>What kind of life is that? Are they working toward heaven? Are they being fulfilled? They will always be searching for something and will always feel empty until they come to grips with reality.<p>Now I've heard that it takes 2 or 3 to 5 years to get over the emotional aspects of the divorce depending on the circumstances. But you're doing all the right things. "Rebuilding" is another book to read, and I'd try some recovery groups - I know our diocese has a great one for divorced, separated and widowed. <p>Try to find some new goals. Start helping others through some church groups. Rediscover your relationship with God. <p>This is really a great opportunity to really grow as people. Yes, the circumstances suck, and it's sad that we married people who were weak and didn't have the strength to stand up againt temptation. But you never know how God is going to work.<p>Now of course, I just had a tremendous vent, so I'm able to think more clearly now, and hopefully I'll be taking some of my own advice. <p>Please hang in there. We'll make it, and be happy despite the actions of our WS. K

#721757 02/24/02 09:01 PM
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I read somewhere too that the ws has decided somewhere in their mind that the marriage was long over, probably part of their justification system, so them leaving is just part of the plan.<p>Meanwhile it comes as a complete suprise to us BS, and knocks us loop. I know it did and still does me.<p>Bob

#721758 02/24/02 09:45 PM
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AS an add on to RWD - I read the same thing in the book called "Dumped." In the case of an affair, usually the spouse is being Pulled out of the marriage, but basically has shut themselves off emotionally toward spouse and want to get out of the marriage ASAP! K

#721759 02/25/02 03:11 PM
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Thank you all !<p>Elizabeth..I don't think we're crazy.. yet! I have to wonder about the 10 year mark; she told me " she loved me like she loved the kids". I think you're right about taking the steps; I haven't seen any way around that, unfortunately.<p>RWD - Thank you for your recommendation, I will get it. Right now I'm reading Ruiz's "Mastery of Love"..again. Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies"..listening to Beatt's "Language of Letting Go"..what to do with all this info? I'm not sure what I've really understood!
Did your wife respond at all to your MB attempts?
How are you with moving on otherwise? I've heard it expressed here that some WS's really enjoy the control inherent in their position. Arguing, or not cooperating with custody may be one of the last "weapons" available.<p>God is in Control.. It's hard to believe that you are ready to have a baby while you are being tormented, and can offer support to others. I have developed a new conversation, understanding w God since this.. although,like Ms. O says, sometimes I just wonder what this is all for..<p>Your final comments hit home, I've thought about them today. In June, right before we separated, WS and om were on a work cruise together.( I work for the same company..out of the same office..
)..anyway, while on the cruise, WS found OM having sex w someone else and she flipped. Many on the boat knew about this ( WS takes pride in the high profile people she knows)..<p>I've wondered why this person would be preferred..insanity? She says "you have all the pieces,great guy, but the feelings aren't there"...WS descibed my giving ways as " actions, tasks. You weren't watching the connection.."<p>To me, it serves to support the "Dumped" premise.<p>Dan<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

#721760 02/27/02 06:39 PM
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I am in the same boat. Someone explained it to me this way.<p>I am normal for feeling all of the sadness, hurt, and loss. <p>She's out having a great time. She is running away from her problems. She is feeling it inside but she is not showing it to you. By the time you heal she may come back to you and then it is too late because you've moved on.

#721761 02/27/02 07:06 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Doodle's Daddy:
<strong>I am in the same boat. Someone explained it to me this way.<p>I am normal for feeling all of the sadness, hurt, and loss. <p>She's out having a great time. She is running away from her problems. She is feeling it inside but she is not showing it to you. By the time you heal she may come back to you and then it is too late because you've moved on.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It's just like a drunken binge that starts out great but ends up crappy and miserable. <p>WS's seldom find peace and happiness but more often than not find hopelesness and loneliness. In a way I feel pity for those poor deluded fools we know as WS's. <p>The worst betrayal is the one they've done to themselves.<p>Joe


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