Well I left you guys about a week ago. You know my H left again, on Valentines day morning. Said he wanted to stare at the ceiling and shut out the world. Soul Search......<p>Valentines day was hard for me. Second year in a row now. His EA & PA started Jan last year. I was sad. He called twice I did not pick up. I did not want to cry in his ear. That Friday we did not speak. He called me Sat. at 1:45AM, very heartfelt to talk. Sunday we had dinner it was very nice, but came back to our home and he lost it. That night he called and said he loved me, that he had so much love for me and he was 99 % sure he wanted to be home. MOnday night he came home at 9:30, asked to stay with me, held me, made love to me and kissed me goodbye in the morning. <p>I let him alone Tuesday, thought he needed it. He called around 6 PM, I had left for the gym, said he would be there around 8, I was already gone. Wed. he e-mailed me, we met at the gym around 7, he found me, kissed me hello, we worked out, steamed, then as we were leaving I said, "well have a good night" to see if he was coming home. He said "you too", kissed me, said he would call me later. 9:30 that night he came home with his suit cases. But...Went into the spare room. I asked him if he was mad at me he said no. I went to bed. Thursday I sent him an e-mail. asked what his intensions were. He said "I just need a little more time to himself. THATS ALL!!" Thusday night he worked out, I had dinner with a friend. Came home, he was in a funky mood, so I went to bed. <p>Here it comes!! Friday morning he leaves for work, comes in my room kisses me good bye. I get up and on a hunch looked through his work out bag. The earth stopped rotating for a minute! I found a receipt for a LOVE BOQUETTE and a HALMARK CARD, from the Domanics next to the gym the OW was at on Valentines day. The receipt was dated 2/14! I freaked. I got nothing! I called him at work, finally after a few attemps to lie, he confesses. He bought them for her, waited in the parking lot, but she blew him off! Of corse she did, she wants to control his thoughts and life, but has a boyfriend of her own. OH my god, he is obsessed with this woman.Anyway so he went to his moms and through them out and then called me all sad, like he was missing me. What a fool I am!!!!!! <p>I realised something majore this Friday, he is no longer the morral, strong, committed, man I married. He is obsessed, if he was not obsessed and he had not had the affair and she was just our neihbor, he would have forbidden me to hang with her, talk to her, or anything by now. He did it two years ago to a friend of mine who cheated. He said she was immorral and white trash and not the sort I needed to be hanging with. So if my friend was trash and immorral, this woman is way worse! She smokes, has a terrible sorted past including cheating on both husbands, has an illagitmate son, maybe two! The entire time she was having an affair with my H, she was sleeping with her H, sometimes int he same day! IS that not sick! She has used sex and lies, her whole life to manipulate men! I could go on. My husband a year ago, would have freaked to even know her! Now he has lost all sense of himself and what he prided himself on his entire life! His morrals, goals, and strength.<p>She has been telling her H for months she wants to start a new life, meet new people, date others. My H fed me that line last Friday! She doesn't want him, but doesnt want to see us make it. She has manipulated him and continues to do so! So Friday I packed and left the state. Did some soul searching of my own. NOOOOO, I did not take off my Wedding ring, or do anything that would break my vows. But I opened my eyes!!! THe OW H called me, the OW has had her boyfriend over all weekend. Both Friday & Saturday. He oldest son has called her H many times and told him about the whole weekend. Yet she seems to have my H chasing her, hanging on her every word of BS and ready to give up me, our life, our marriage, along with his family and friends respect! So I come home tonight, our cars are here but he is not, he walks through our back door and tells me he was a another neighbors for dinner. RIGHT!! I am sure he was next door, why not right, she had her boyfriend Friday & Saturday, and my H Sunday. SOunds right for her.<p>She is controling his thoughts, feelings and actions. I have done all I can do and it was not enough. He has never in his life let someone cloud his judgement, but this woman has and I can't help him. I have given up on him. Tonight I could not even look at him. He will someday realize what he has done, and the life and love he lost in me. But it will be too late.<p>Well that is it for now. Just wanted you guys to know I was blind, but now I see! I am ashamed in myself for ever pleading with him to stay in our marriage. A very wise man told me this weekend "What does not kill us, makes us stronger."<p>EWS now EWO!<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

Sorry to hear the truth Michelle. . . . I know it hurts, but you did give him time, you did give him space, you did alot of what he asked, you were very trusting, and hopeful. . . .<p>you sound as though you could make a nice guy a very nice wife. . . well, again, alot of us have been in your shoes, and your life will get better, and the BS usually ends up with a better lifeanyway, because we are the less foggy ones to begin with. . . the ones that do the hard work. . . <p>so good luck and congratulations on the beginning of your new life. . . one with your eyes_wide_open . . . .<p>wiftty

Thanks WIFTTY. I am definately on the right track. This weekend was just for me. For the first time in a long time, I laughed and smiled. I also found out that a lot of men think I am attractive. I was a good girl, but it was nice to be noticed.<p>I even did something I have really wanted to do for a year as kind of "out there". I got my belly button pierced! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>No more moping or sadness. Life is too short to be taken in by lies and manipulation. Too bad some of us see that and others don't.<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

((((Michelle))))<p>I&#8217;m so happy that you were able to have a &#8220;Michelle&#8221; weekend. I&#8217;ll tell you once I was able to laugh and smile again, the person I thought I wanted didn&#8217;t look so enticing. So now that your eyes are open, what is the next move?<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hi Michelle...<p>Gosh, what a terrible ordeal your H's selfishness has brought you through. You will be stronger... as that quote said... It will not kill you!<p>So, what's next? As Bill asks... what's your next move?<p>Why don't you just ask you H to move to the City and you can stay there... or sell the house. It sounds like something drastic is needed... cut your losses, and rebuild.<p>Take care and give me a call again! This week... when can we get together? I'm available most nights... except tonight.<p>Ciao,
Nicole

Michelle, I'm sorry to hear the news bu glad you're ok. I've been thinking about you since your last post. <p>Have you called the locksmith yet?

I have told him if he wants a D then I want him to be happy. So I guess we will selle everything and split.<p>Cars, boat, house, stuff.....<p>I am destroyed inside. To think he could let this person in and change his morrals and goals, and thoughts. We were putting our life back togehter and now we are divorcing. I am really so disgusted with him. I d0ont want him to look at me. touch me, hold me. He makes me sick. He is lost and I am in so much pain.

tonight H showed up at the gym with the OW and her 13 yr old. I hyperventilated, had an athsma attack and left. Had a break down on the way home.<p>I am out of my mind!!!!<p>I have got to end this and sell this house. I can't do this. The pain is more than anyone could take.<p>Michelle<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

Oh man, I'm so sorry Michelle... I thought she had another boyfriend... I suppose she's just stringin' him along... like you said, to ensure that you and he don't work.<p>I'm sorry, must be just gut wrenching... is the OW still living next door with her H, while having another boyfriend and your H in tow?<p>Unbelievable how people can treat other people sometimes...<p>Take care...
Nicole

Michelle,<p>why are you taking his idiotic actions so personally? its not you that he is struggling with, but something inside him that he doesn't even understand. . .<p>you know, it takes alot of counseling to understand why a person out of the blue does these crazy actions. . . however, there are common threads. . . and usually the common threads are found from the family of origin and from his teenage, social developmental years. . . <p>i still say he is repeating something he saw in the past. . . that affected him, and at first he reacted negatively, and as happens so often, now he is a perpetrator, because he is subconsiously following the lead he saw. . . .<p>i say you go right to a shark lawyer, and see how he likes the process. . . .<p>good luck,
call nicole, go out,
get some support, you will need it for awhile. . .<p>i have no sympathy for second time offenders who didn't learn all they could about themselves and life after the first time. . .<p>wiftty

just a little more info. <p>Found out he took his wedding ring off Sunday! He didn't take it off through his affair once! Now the OW is pulling his strings. Says he broke her heart by staying with me and not leaving me for her and she can't bare that again (funny the ice queen can't bare it). So I believe now he is trying to prove to her he will leave for sure. Thing is she is in love with someone else already. She has some people who have confirmede this to the OWH. Her new guy seems nice, not my type, but likes kids, works hard etc. She is stringing my H along, lying about the other guy, etc. Maybe to break his heart. You know.... see how far she can take this, get him to leave me, but not care once he does. Of corse then it will be way too late for us. I think it already is. I can not trust him with my heart, my love. I am pretty sure our marriage is over, all because he thinks the grass is greener. Which of corse WE all know it is not.<p>We are supposed to go to AZ this Thursday (family thing). I am not sure if he is coming, but if he doesn't I will ask him to move out while I am gone. He is clearly obsessed with this woman and I can't take anymore pain. It is time to move on. <p>If he goes to AZ we will play it by ear, when we get back about whether or not I ask him to leave.<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))))))<p>Boy, I think I would have hit him AND her one if they turned up together at the gym. No doubt HER little game play there.<p>WHAT A FOG!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>I agree with Bill, it is time to protect YOU.<p>He is not in that body anymore, doing dumb stuff like that...........he make ME angry, and I don't even know him!!!<p>I wish I could give you more comfort, dear friend, as you gave me in my blackest days, but all I can tell you is that I will send you strength, love and much healing light, constantly.<p>Love,<p>Jacky

He replied to my e-mail asking him one last time to go to AZ. He said no. Of corse she told him to say no or...he just doesnt want her to see him doing anything or going anywhere with me. He is so screwed up! She is playing him like a card. But I truly want him to be happy soooo, if he thinks leaving me is the answer, so be it. <p>Sent him an e-mail. asked him to leave tonight. He can go stay with his mom or his buddy Rob. Both live within 5 minutes from us. I am done guys. Boy do I feel good. I will feel better when he is gone. I might even change the locks. Not really to keep him out, just to keep him from popping in. Ya know. He needs to know, he chose to withdraw from our marriage and now he needs to find out what it will be like without me.

To Do List For Michelle:<p>1) Call counselor for appointment. If you don't have one, ask some of your friends about theirs. If you have a church home, minister there may be able to make a referral. A good counselor's t is worth far more than you pay. You don't want a yes man - you want a good counselor.<p>2) Call attorney. You don't have to do anything but you do need advice. Many of them offer free initial consultations. They can advise you on things like how to get him to leave the property. How to keep him from plundering assets. <p>3) Change gyms. Does the place you go to have another location in town? <p>4) Realize that his problem is not you, it is him. See item #1.<p>5) Take care of yourself. This means eat and sleep properly. And show up for work. And allow yourself to cry when appropriate. And don't worry if you cry in public.

6) Remember that we love you.

Cinderella,<p>Thanks so much. I got the name of a counselor today. I am calling her when I disconnect. I will owrk on the others asap. I leave Thursday for AZ but will have my laptop so I will be connected.<p>Thanks for the list, I needed somewhere to start! <p>PS: Is it okay to love him in my heart and want him to heal, even though I have lost all "Lovey" emotion & respect for him?

Michelle,<p>you can always love him, its just his behavior that you don't approve of. . . and specifically, his treatment of you that you don't like or respect. . .<p>but yeah, you can love him in your heart. . . alot of us still do, although over time, the feelings fades to the same as an acquaintance. . . you are just beginning a new rebirth journey. . . take your time, find yourself, and then enjoy life again. . .<p>wiftty

Hey...<p>Keep your chin up.... its his loss.<p>Shame on him for how he's treating you... but you know the fog is very powerful.<p>If I would see my ex and the ow at the gym, I think I would have puked!! You did good...kept yourself respect and left. Remember... never stoop to their level. <p>Here is another idea for you...<p>5) Get the locks changed.<p>Just my 2 cents....<p>Hang tough.... you're doing great !<p>s

hey guys,<p>He came home at 8 PM and put his gym clothes on, I asked him if he was leaving. he said "NO I pay half the bills around here and I have the right to be here." <p>Okay I am angry!!<p>He leaves me, comes back (many times), then quits us, takes off his ring, breaks my heart, tears me apart, says cruel and hurtful things, is obsessed with the woman next door and yet he won't move out. His buddy doesn't really want him and he refuses to tell his mom what he is doing. Odd about his mom, cuz they are very close! So my next step will be to get our house up for sale as soon as I get home next week. <p>I did make myself an appointment with a counselor. She is a spiritual marriage counselor, but I guess she has a degree too. She was recommened. Of corse not by my Catholic Church. They would not approve of her. But I walk a fine line between how I was brought up and what I truly believe. Funny, I still go to the Catholic Church my family belongs to, but I am very spiritual.<p>Wiftty,<p>Thanks for the advise on loving him in my heart. All I want is for him to find peace and be happy. No of corse I know he won't find it with her. To tell you the truth once he leaves me and she knows she has him, the fun of the game and chase is over. She is the kind that always needs sparks. I bet she loses interest all together and even dumps his friendship! I do not want her to hurt him, but I guess he will have it coming. A lesson his soul needs to learn to move on.<p>Anyone read "Seat of the Soul?" <p>Talk later. Have to finish packing.<p>M

Todays update.<p>OWH called me this morning. He found birth control pills and a "Dirty" pair of underwear in the OW purse! No she is not sleeping with anyone! She has been telling my H she is just friends with this guy from the gym. RIGHT! <p>Also OWH worked out with his son last night, Well not blood but heart and soul his son,the OWH is the only father he's ever known. The 13 yr old told the OWH he loves him and trusts him more than anyone on earth! That he is the only one he trusts and can rely on. He also said he does not want to live with his mom, that he is so glad he has the OWH. The boy asked him not to leave the house again, cuz his mom has men over and ignors the kids. Lets the men play with the kids while she does other things and then spends the rest of the time with the men. How sad is that! Coming right from the mouth of a child in the middle. The OWH assured his son he will always be there and loves him truly. That he will do what it takes to make sure the boys are not left in that situation again until they sell the house and move. At that time he will have no control ove the men she has over and it will be up to the boys to communicate with her. The OWH told me that he will do what it takes even if it means being nice to the OW and going with the flow. <p>In my world: H came home and watched TV with me. I could not even look at him. How can I respect a man infatuated with a person like her. When he has a wonderful wife, friend and lover he is pushing to the side for this blindness. God she told a friend of hers she will never let a man back in who hurt or betrayed her. She is truly playing a game with my H and the minute he leaves me completely she will be gone! The chase will be over, the thrill will be gone. When reality hits, he will be a very lonely man with no respect from family and friends. <p>On the other note, my stomache is burning, the thought of leaving tomrrow and facing everyone alone. I dont even knwo how I am getting to work and then to the airport. I cant afford to leave my truck their for five days. My H and I had a system. Now that he has left me out to dry I can't even think.<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

EWS -<p>I hope your trip goes well. Try to enjoy the time away, and the support of friends and family.<p>I think you totally understand the path your H is on. However you can't make him walk a different one. He's going to have to learn this lesson on his own. And pay the consequences. And I think its to your benefit to make him walk that path faster. I would push him out the door.<p>Meet with an attorney when you get back -- get a temporary hearing and get him out of the house. <p>Sorry for what you're going through!