Last night [censored] called and asked me to come check on him, he had surgery on Tues, and wasn't feeling well. I went over there and brought him back to my house cause he just didn't look right, but the incision looked ok. This morning it was all swollen and gross so I rushed him over to the doctors, they took him right to surgery, said he would be in there for several hours.<p>I came home, Christopher should get off the bus at 3:30, and then we will go back to the hospital. I took my xanax, and am trying to be calm.<p>It seems as if all I do is try to keep this guy alive. Why???!!! He was such a butt to me, and doesn't deserve me. I just want the kids to have their dad. I don't know, I think I need a cup of tea and another pill or something. <p>My mom is in a meeting, my sister is training, everyone is out, I could just scream. <p>I need to learn to emotionally detach here a bit and am having a hell of a time doing so. <p>I am so scared he will die, yet I secretly wish for that to happen every day. I am so worried that I will always be the one to take care of him, and that nobody will ever understand. How can I become involved with a fellow, and then expect him to get it when I am always off trucking [censored] around, or making his doc appts or taking care of him. <p>I can't just let him rot because that would be an awful thing to do to my kids. I should have just stayed married and dealt with it. <p>I don't know what to think. I need to do this for the kids, but it is almost like it is going to end up killing me. Then what good has it done the children? I am scared for him, for me, and for the kids, and I hate him so much for doing this to us.<p>I think I am going to drive myself crazy.<p>Thanks for reading, I'm sure it makes no sense anyway, so I am not even going to check for spelling or typos.<p>Elizabeth

After reading your post I felt the need to say a few things.<p>Why are you doing this?:
1.)You said you are doing it for the kids... I don;t see it that way.
2.) I can't just let him rot because that would be an awful thing to do to my kids. .. I don't see it that way.
3.) I could just scream... Do it, ot feels good sometimes.<p>I think the reason you are doing it is because he is the father of your childern and you will always love him. You are doing it because you are a good person. You are doing it because it is the right thing to do.. <p>You are a good person.. <p>My .02$<p>Tex.

Tex is on the money. Hang in there, Elizabeth. Sometimes we don't see the why until much later. But you must be a truly resilient person. As far as emotionally detaching, I do think we find that to be necessary from time to time, just so that we can continue functioning.<p>Good luck . . .

Elizabeth,<p>Jump in the car<p>Drive down the freeway<p>Open the windows<p>Crank up some Pink Floyd or Queen on the radio (to 10, at least!!)<p>And SCREAM!!! Scream your head off. <p>(People will think you are trying to sing--heehee--so they won't look at you with that "What the heck is wrong with her" look).<p>Heehee [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You will feel SO much better. Trust me.<p>
CJ

You know, I've found that there is no situation that goes as a "typical" divorce. You think that divorce is the end when reality, when there are kids involved, it rarely is... and BIG ONE... divorce rarely solves the issue anyway. Well, so you're in this situation... I'm sorry you're frustrated... so ahead and scream... it's bloody awful! I like CJ's suggestion... it's worked for me... Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen... actually, that song is like an anthology of my H's life, so I can scream it out really well!<p>Okay, take care... only a few more weeks til we dine and dance!!!<p>Cheers!
Nicole

He is fine. He'll be in the hospital for a while, but will be ok. I'm fine too now. I get so worked up over things....<p>Thanks Tex, my big Texas poo poo. I am a good person, and I am doing the right thing. I just wish doing the right thing was easy, but it never is. <p>AGAIG, Thanks, hanging in, it is nice to have all you folks around when my people here aren't available.<p>CJ- you'll have mail tonight hon, thanks for the song requests [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Nic,
I'm ready for that night out. I can tell that I am going to have plenty of stress to dance off by the 16th.<p>I'll be fine, he'll be fine, the kids will be fine. Gotta call the doc tomorow and get more of those happy relaxing candies.<p>Elizabeth