Everyone, <p>I have been away from the computer for a couple of days, and to be honest with you, I am okay but not great. <p>On Friday, I moved out. It was a helluva day. I have been hurt enough--beyond my endurance. I've put in more than enough time being emotionally brutalized by that man, so I grabbed the kids and some things, and got out. I talked to my counselor at 8am that morning, and (thank you GOD) he was supportive and understanding!! He said, "You may not realize it, but you are in the midst of a crisis." He got me in touch with some folks who could help, for example, I have a free support group on Tuesday night for women who have been in or are still in emotionally abusive relationships. <p> When I went back to the house to try to move out, my H tried every trick in the book...he apologized and promised to do better...he blamed me for breaking up the family...he blocked my way and wouldn't let me leave, so I finally told him, "You can do the gentlemanly thing and stand aside and let me out, or I will flee for my life and bring
back police, and I'll make sure the whole neighborhood knows. Which do you pick?" <p>Saturday was actually the best day I've had in a long time. I slept in late, and BOY did I need it. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, he kept me up late every night, and then would turn lights on and off and leave the TV on and stuff until 3am!! I was exhausted. The kids and I went to the bank...went shopping for a sweater...went out to lunch...went to get my son's girlfriend...went out to dinner...and then went to a movie. Doesn't that sound pleasant?? No yelling. No screaming. No blaming. It was wonderful! And the weather was beautiful too!!<p>Sunday was not so good. We all slept in again, but my H invited us (the kids and I) out to brunch and then to come over to the house and hang out. Foolishly, I choose to go, and at the restaurant, he started yelling at me. Now, bear in mind, he does not raise his voice in a loud volume...he just says (quietly, but hatefully), "What the hell do you mean?? You just SAT there and watched me write that and you never STOPPED me or said anything? You lying *****. You're hiding something from me!" (which of course I wasn't...he had written the wrong amount for a check in the checkbook, and I hadn't stopped him--haha--as if I could!). This continued until he said, "Just pack up and leave. Get out of my life. I don't want you. Get your **** out of my room." So I did. <p>Of course, the minute I started to pack and actually take my stuff, THEN he says he loves me and don't leave... We did eventually have a pretty good talk about bringing up the past and letting things go--and my side of that conversation was doing REPS for the past and making it right. In the end, we stayed at the house, because the kids wanted to see dad and play with their computers and stuff, but we stayed on opposite ends of the house. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and swept the floor on one end of the house, and he vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom on the other end of the house--the one by his office. The whole time he had with the kids, he just was grouchy and ... I don't know, it was just SAD. Finally, about dinner time, the kids and I piled in the car and left. We played video games together and watched Simpsons, and all three of us went to bed a little early. <p>Today I'm at work--thank GOD for my job--and I'm doing a little better. In a wierd way, I think I needed Sunday. Of course, in a bizarro sort of way, I still love the man and wish that he loved me enough to admit that he has an abuse problem and stop. But it's a lot like an alcoholic man--no doubt his wife loves him and just wishes he would admit he has an alcohol problem and stop drinking, but until HE is ready to admit it TO HIMSELF, she can wish all she wants, because he's not gonna change. I'm PRAYING for the day he says, "I have an abuse problem. It has gotten out of control and it is ruining my life" and he starts to make the changes he needs to make me SAFE. In the meantime, I am WAY too easily persuaded to listen to his promises when his actions don't back them up--and I think I kind of needed Sunday to remind me that even in the face of losing his wife and kids over his anger, he's not changing. I needed a harsh reminder that it's not going to change and I need to stop "hoping." Okay...it was harsh, but necessary, I think.<p>BTW, did I mention I LOVE MY JOB!!! The folks here at work have all been so supportive, and I can't tell you the number of times I've heard, "We will work with you. You are a good and valuable employee, and we don't want to loose you. Let us know what we can do to help." Thank you GOD, for the people at my work!!<p>CJ

((((CJ))))<p>
Your post left me a little confused as to where the path you&#8217;re on is leading. Anyway, you know that whatever direction you go that there are many of us that are here for you today and always. I truly hope that the children are doing ok throughout all of this. I would like for you to take a minute and examine your own signature line:<p>&#8220;Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.&#8221;<p>What does that line say to you?<p>I can see someone saying that there success is by all the things they gave up for an intact marriage, to which I say, hogwash. We are not defined by our marriage, RIGHT. So what successes does Ms. CJ need to judge:<p>1. As an individual. CJ you are one of the most caring compassionate people I know. I just can&#8217;t help but to wonder that if you gave up your addiction, would you be an even more compassionate and caring individual?<p>2. As a mother. Your going to have to judge this one but I would offer that it&#8217;s my thought that you would judge yourself higher if you weren&#8217;t under his abusive thumb.<p>Sweet CJ, never in my posting career have I told someone that it&#8217;s time to give it up, but dear how much more are you gonna take? Is this the example of a relationship that you want to convey to your children? Isn&#8217;t it time to stop the circle?<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

CJ,<p>I understand what you are going thru with the emotional abuse. It is so hard because as with Alcholism or other drug dependencies, the only person that can help themis themselves. You think that there will be a hitting bottom so to speak, and they will come to their senses. Emotional abusers seem to have such a hard time seeing the abuse they inflict. I hope that you can find peace in what ever path you choose. I feel so much more peaceful now, but occasionally i have some hurtful conversations with my stbx. Just the other day we were having a nice conversation and all of a sudden he got upset and told me that i was too crazy for him. I wished that i had never spoken to him, I feel better when its been a few days since i have spoken to him. May you find some solise to helpyou make up your mind about things.

CJ,
Glad to hear you are doing okay. It great that your people at work are so supportive.<p>hang in!<p>Bob

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>Your post left me a little confused as to where the path you're on is leading. Anyway, you know that whatever direction you go that there are many of us that are here for you today and always. I truly hope that the children are doing ok throughout all of this. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>You know, LostHusband, you are not the first person who has seemed a little confused, so let me see if I can clarify: I moved out of his house on Friday and I am not living there anymore. I am in no particular rush to divorce him, but I also will not be his punching bag anymore, so I have physically moved out. I am living elsewhere.<p>The fact of the matter is, I have a weakness toward this man. My fondest desire would be for him to love me and treat me gently and lovingly--but that just isn't happening. My fondest desire would be for him to realize the harm that he's doing by verbally abusing me, admit it to me and to himself, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT so that I am completely emotionally safe in his presence--but that just isn't happening. I do care about him, I'm sure you know that by now, but I need to care about myself more right now. <p>On occasion, I forget about this and foolish hope will cloud my decisions, and that's what happened this Sunday. He invited the kids and I out to brunch. I thought it would be pleasant and I thought it was a small step toward being nice to me. It was a mistake in judgment...what can I say? I want to keep giving him a chance...giving him a chance...and he's already had 15 years of chances!! BUT, it's hard to change ME. There's still a big part of me that wants this and wants to believe that he will do WHATEVER it takes to deal with this. <p>So, are you less confused now?? <p>I can't tell you what it means to know--and I mean solidly KNOW--that I will not be alone, no matter what decision I make. As you know, it is a lifeline to realize that there are still people out there who can see your value, even if your spouse can't. Heck, sometimes I don't even see my own value, and it's very, VERY helpful to know that other people do!!!<p>Regarding how the kids are taking this, well...gee. As well as can be expected I think. This is a major shake up of their world. It's confusing and just scheduling it all is tough. BUT, I think in very many ways, there is also a sense of relief. To be blunt, I kind of get the feeling like, "Mom, you FINALLY put a stop to it." Does that make any sense? <p>CJ

You know, it may not seem like it, but you did the right thing leaving. I can attest first hand how damaging it is to be in an emotionally abusive marriage. It reeks havoc on you and it does damage the kids. I have boys and I cringe when I think of the disrespect I put up with and how these children think it is okay to be that way since their Dad was that way. An abuser is an abuser. Please be safe. Over 90% of emotional/verbal abusers turn physical when the object of their abuse tries to leave. When they feel that they are no longer in control of the situation, is when it happens. I know this first hand too. I was married 16 years and never thought my ex would strike me, but when I finally had the courage to go and filed for divorce, he did.<p>I have been divorced nearly a year and I still am recovering from the damage he did. Now, I am having severe problems with my son who is 15. His father wasn't exactly a good role model, so now my teenager is acting out the way his Dad did. I blame myself for not doing something before I did...but I always had hoped he would change. He didn't, still hasn't...and now when I tell him about the problems I am having with our son, he blames me. It's all my fault. I ruined everyone's life. Every time the kids return from a visit with him, they are horrible.<p>It's hard. Go to that support group. You will be tested in more ways than you can count. He will use charm and then slam you. I had to get a restraining order and still have it on. It is the only thing that prevents him from barging into my house and interfering more than he has.<p>Good luck to you and do be safe.<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: HappyMac ]</p>

CJ-<p>I have followed your story for so long and you have put more time and energy than almost anyone here. It is time for you to start putting yourself first.<p>It sounds like you are very co-dependent. You love your husband so much that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness and security for it. It is a hard habit to break.<p>I know, My X is an alcoholic and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me during our marriage. Over the years I became totally enabling and lost myself. I was totally unhappy and when begging and pleading didn't work I switched to screaming. It was a mess. I loved him and so wanted him to get help, but he was in denial. I justified my actions because of his mistreatment of me. In the end he moved out to pursue an affair with a much younger woman. They are still together and she thinks he is prince charming. He is able to keep up the act because she lives 3+ hours away and sees him only one weekend a month.<p>He is still the same man that left me and my children. He is in total denial of everything. I however am not the same woman. When he left I fought like hell to get him back. I put on rose colored glasses and was willing to forget all his issues and everything he had done. <p>When he didn't come back, I started a lot of reading and self improvement work. I have found myself again and am a much happier and nicer person. I have come to really see his alcoholism as a disease and have taken ownership for my mishandling of it. I have come a long way. I have accepted that I can't change him and that he is not ready to change. I have also finally accepted that you can love someone too much and end up losing yourself. That should never happen. <p>It is now a year later and we are divorced. Although disappointed over the loss of my marriage, I am secure in the fact that I did what I could and tried my best. I am also happy again and looking forward to the future. Can I say I would never take him back? No I can't, however, a lot of things would have to change and I am now secure enough to hold tight to my expectations.<p>I have done the right thing by moving out. In an abusive relationship you need to put distance between you so that you can find yourself and gain the confidence needed to re-gain control of your life. He will try to win you back. I am not saying stay away from him, I am just reminding you not to fall for his promises and the nice things he does. Make him prove his intentions and give it time so that you know any changes are sincere and going to stay. You have to think of yourself and your kids.<p>I am glad that work is going so well. Hang in there. You have a ton of support here!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

CJ - one more time, you have my deepest sympathy. I know I never had to leave but you can make it. You can put yourself in a safe place - and a safe, happy life.<p>I was the servant and now I am Cinderella.<p>(No prince in my castle - unless you count my son. But the transformation you can go through will be awesome when you get to the other side and look back.)<p>Just call me if you need to talk.<p>(No answering machine these days. x isn't being nice and I don't feel compelled to leave him a key to come in and beat me up electronically. There is strength for what you need - even if it is turning off the answering machine or putting down the telephone and fixing dinner while he yells at the air. Be sure you read my e-mail for that story.)

{{{CJ}}}<p>I haven't been on the forum for a while, life keeps getting int he way. I have been involved with a support group for abused women for some time and it has done wonders for me. I am a lot stronger now than when stbx left, and even though he continues to try and destroy me, the girls and I are doing pretty good. <p>It is great news that you moved away from the abuse. Sometimes taking that step away enables us to look at the total situation and begin to deal with it in a way that is not so emotional and personal. The distance allows us to feel safe, take a break, and stop the continuous adrenaline rush. <p>Take care of yourself and your kids! Just because you are taking a breather and catching up with yourself, it doesn't necessarily mean a divorce. Only time will tell. You've given your H so much of you; I bet you'll find how much you have missed being you. <p>Lori

Today, I am doing pretty darn well. Last night I had a pleasant dinner at home (with H and kids), and then we picked up a few quick articles at the store. I consider that a small, but very good, step: we were together without tearing each other apart! After that I had a cup of tea with a friend, and we sat and had some girl talk. NO--we did not just husband-bash! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Just having a friend around who understands and is going through something very similar in her M is SO helpful! <p>I also spoke to a princess over the phone, who has been my soul twin for about two years now, and it was SO good to talk to her too. Of course, she was like a little mother hen protecting her chick--but then again, I've always said I am a CHICK not a broad! <p>After the kids went to bed last night, I stayed up until about 1am reading and thinking and writing and stuff (that's the way I am). I re-read some of my old journals, and still seems shocking to me to see way back in 1994 and this EXACT thing was going on way back then! I wish I had had the courage to be strong and stand up for myself and protect myself way back then, but you know what? Oh well--good for me, I'm doing it now. <p>Finally, and in conclusion, I saw my counselor today during lunch hour, and let me just say, "I LOVE MY COUNSELOR!!!" (in a non-sexy way of course) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] In my session, we did some role reversal, and it was awkward to be my H--it seemed so unnatural to me. But it was interesting! Then my C played the part of my H and I played the part of myself, and guess what I discovered: I tend to get tongue-tied when he blasts at me. I'm so shocked I can't gather my thoughts for a minute, and that gives him the chance to "jump in." <p>I also stay engaged and keep trying to "explain" and you know what? The longer I stay and try to explain, the more I am staying involved!! My new strategy: when he starts treating me inappropriately, just say, "Stop it. Speak to me respectfully," and if he doesn't, just GO! Do not feel guilty...do not try to explain...do not get hooked in...just GO! Leave the room, leave the house, Go! Same for the phone and email. If it gets uncomfortable and disrespectful, I can just hang up...say, "I will not be spoken to that way, and I'm hanging up now" and then just hang up before he has the chance to reply.<p>For years, I have stayed in the fight and tried to explain and tried to diffuse or "fix it" and that just doesn't work. Then, in the session, we practiced doing that, and you know what? It felt GREAT!! <p>I know it has only been a few days, but I just feel so much better. I feel a lot like I am reclaiming myself, and it's so empowering!! Using ThornedRoses' image (falling in the hole), I have stopped falling in the hole and blaming my H. I have occasionally fallen in the hole, but I have also occasionally seen the hole coming and walked around it. Now, I think I'm looking at a map to see what other streets I could take to avoid the hole altogether!!<p>So, all-in-all, I am very good today. Thanks for asking!<p> CJ

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by bangarra:
<strong>I haven't been on the forum for a while, life keeps getting in the way. I have been involved with a support group for abused women for some time and it has done wonders for me. I am a lot stronger now than when stbx left, and even though he continues to try and destroy me, the girls and I are doing pretty good. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Lori!!! {{{{{Lori}}}}}<p>It's so good to hear from you!! YAY!! <p>The support group was a WONDERFUL thing for me. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel like I had to PROVE it was really happening, I didn't have to explain it, and I wasn't crazy. Just THAT was a huge relief. But being that I am an INFP, that interaction with other people, other women, was just a great thing. I felt so much better after that!!<p>I'm glad to hear you have gotten stronger, girl. Good for you!! You sound good--like you have your own direction and strength from within. Once you start growing a backbone, it's almost funny to watch them, isn't it? Before, I used to be so emotionally invested that I couldn't clearly see what was going on, but now that I have grow just a tiny bit, it's like I'm detached enough to watch from the 3rd person a little bit.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> It is great news that you moved away from the abuse. Sometimes taking that step away enables us to look at the total situation and begin to deal with it in a way that is not so emotional and personal. The distance allows us to feel safe, take a break, and stop the continuous adrenaline rush. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>YUP. As long as I was in that house, like that, I couldn't see what was going on because I was so emotionally invested. Even with just the little bit of distance I have now, I can see all kinds of new ways I can deal with it and still maintain my dignity. I feel safe for the first time in a long time!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> Take care of yourself and your kids! Just because you are taking a breather and catching up with yourself, it doesn't necessarily mean a divorce. Only time will tell. You've given your H so much of you; I bet you'll find how much you have missed being you.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>DING-DING-DING! I feel that way already!! I'm in no particular rush to divorce--I just won't live like that anymore. The odd thing is, we get along fairly well when we live apart...I think because he doesn't take me so much for granted (and other stuff too, of course). Right now, I have three goals: Protect, Heal and Empower--in that order. <p>Thanks for writing, Lori. I miss ya!<p>
CJ