Please help! My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship together (3 years)but as of late (2 months) our sex life is no good. She has no sex drive and never gets turned-on, thus she is never wet and sex really hurts her. I know she finds me attractive, but that's not enough. We are very open and can tell each other if we find others attractive, she rarely thinks guys are attractive and even when she does she gets no sexual feeling from it. She never fantasises about anyone or anything and she can not get wet from masturbation either. She's very romantic, so I try to be as romantic as I can, but even after a whole day of romance, talks, massages, bonding, love, and foreplay she still does not get arroused. We've tried KY jelly but that only enables easier penetration, she still does not enjoy it at all. Her menstral cycles have been off so maybe that has something to do with it, but I have tried everything I can too help her and nothing is working. We've discussed this together, she knows I would never leave her for this problem and she knows I will do whatever I can to help but we can not come up with a solution. Please help us in any way you can, I don't know who or where to turn to.<BR>Added 02/02/00:<BR>I apprecitae the responses, however i do not believe it is menapause because she is only 20. Also I do not believe that it is subconcious convictions because we have talked about marraige and she knows we have every intention on getting married, we are just waiting for the right time, and especially the finances to have a wedding. She shows no signs of pregnancy and has been to the gynecologist since her period has stopped; everything checked out as normal. She did loose about 10 pounds in a month and a half and now weighs just 87 pounds. She is very small boned and works out regularly and now eats very healthy so there is reason for her to have lost some weight, also she had gotten sick for several days and lost some of the weight. Maybe this has had some affect on her hormones or something along those lines. <p>[This message has been edited by lkjlkjlkj (edited February 03, 2000).]

The menstrual irregularities are certainly a red flag; how old is she? Perimenopause can begin as early as the 30s and result in both irregular periods and decreased libido... This is often remedied by getting on a low-dose BCP (if she isn't already); unless she's actually menopausal, TSH tests may not prove anything, but she should definitely discuss this w/ her gynecologist (I'm assuming you've discussed your relationship and that's not the problem?).

I agree with Quandry, I think that your girlfriend should take a trip to the doctor. Is there a possibility that she could be pregnant?<P>If you've never had a problem before perhaps could be a physical problem. I'd rule that out first, and then start with the psychological (especially if your girlfriend has no idea why, and is willing to get treatment).<P>All I can say is, try to nip it in the bud. This could be a "dry spell" (no pun intended) that many couples have in their relationships, or it could be something else - as in my hubby's case - where the sex drive is gone and is just never coming back!! I know, that's not want you needed to hear, and it's probably not that at all.<P>I'm 26 and going through menopause...so, who knows?<P>Take care.

Well if you did not want to hear what Emmiebear had to say, just wait to hear what I have to say.<P>This is your girlfriend and not your wife. Even though you have obviously been intimate, it is very possible that this activity is contrary to some long held convictions that she has that sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong. This could be her subconscious telling her that she should not engage in sex without marriage. <BR>Perhaps you should explore this issue with her and find out if this could be the case. If so, the greatest gift you could give her is to tell her that because of your respect for her as a person, you will not engage in sexual activity with her outside of marriage. <P>Also, if you happened to miss the name of this site, it is "Marriage Builders". Since you are here, I assume that you are contemplating marrying this woman. Have you discussed marriage with her?<P>If this is not something you are willing to do, then just disregard this advice. But if you truly care about this woman, this could be the factor to turn her emotions around and become the basis for a satisfying marriage.<BR> <P>

IsIt2Late...<P>I had also thought about that possibility. Something similar happened to me while my husband and I were dating and he was very understanding and respectful about my decision (one of the reasons I married him!)<P>I think he should definitely look into that aspect of it!

The fact that she is only 87 pounds is very disterbing to me. Have you thought that she may be anorexic. She lost ten pounds and is losing more because she is sick! And all of a sudden her period stopped. These are the signs of anorexia. If she isn't she may have an illness you both do not know about. <P>

Beth1, I have already dicussed this with her but she does not have anerexic tendencies. She eats a very healthy and steady diet and is not afraid to binge on occasion. She's not bullemic because she is deathly afraid of vometing and has only done it about 3 times in her life. Nor does she take laxitives, she would have told me, and besides, she'd have to hide them and our apartment is very small and I have helped her go through everything when we moved in not to long ago. Like I said, she is very petite to begin with, and she mantained her weight before the 10 pound swing and continues to do so since she lost the weight. She lost some of the weight from being sick with the flu for several days and the rest she had lost before and after the flu due to the fact that she started exercising regularly several weeks before the flu and the problem. <BR> I believe the problem is half physical and half psychological. We had a problem in august when she had a yeast infection and sex hurt her. We stopped, waited until it was cleared up and then started again, but sometimes it would start to hurt her and sometimes we had to stop all together; this is when she started worrying before intercourse. She started worrying so much that she wasn't getting wet at all and we had to stop for a several weeks. We talked our way through it and tried a couple times, I tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible so she wouldn't get stressed out. Slowly but surely she gained confidence and on september 24 we tried, starting out real slow, and finally we were able to make love again without pain. From then on it would hurt sometimes so we'd take it real slow at first until she became lubricated enough. Then starting december 4 we had a great week in which we made love 5 times in one week without any serious pain; she was horny, and arroused, and mentally into it; until a week later. We tried again and she didn't really get into it. From then on is when she started losing her sex drive. This was 3 months after she started exercising and eating very healthy, 1 month from her last period, and 3 weeks from when she got sick. <BR>Now her sex drive has decreased to zero. She's never really been a horny person or had a strong sex drive, but this is well below her norm and is literaly non-exisisten, mentally and physically. The only reason she wants to try is to please me or because she has a faint memory of when sex felt good. We have now stopped even trying all together until this is resolved, maybe she just needs time; whatever it is, our relationship is staying strong and we will get through this; together!!!<P>

It really does sound like it is time for a good medical physical to investigate other things going on with your gf. The fact that you are committed to one another and will stick together through the tough times are very positive. At age 20, my own daughter developed cancer of the cervex. It developed from a previous STD (HPV) You might do well to check it out in light of weight loss and other physical changes.

Well I am happy to hear that she doesn't have an eating disorder. I talked to my husband about this and he said you should try going south on her, if you know what I mean! Believe it or not, this isn't that uncommon. I sometimes can go a long time without sex. I am on a lot of medication and I have clinical depression. Does any of this apply to her? Well, even if it doesn't, try the south route, it may get her going. Let us know how it goes? Well, you don't have to be specific! lol.

First of all, she isn't on any medication and as for the depression, I highly doubt it. Several years ago she went through the toughest times in her life where her friends changed on her, I was away at college and she had family problems. Something like depression might have been possible. Now all of her family problems have been resolved, we live together, and she has several close friends. <BR> About the southern route, I've tried many times, I love "going down" on her, but, unfortunatley she doesn't get anything out of it. She has always been very sensetive, especially her clitores, so too much direct contact is too much for her to handle. It tickles her beyond tolleration so I've tried to avoid direct contact which used to work slightly but neither approach does anything now. She used to like when i would insert my fingers and touch her inside, that has always been the best way to get her going, but now it hurts unless done very gently and in the right place and even then it doesn't do anything but not hurt. I hope this helps to furtger clearify the situation. Thanks again for your help. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Beth1:<BR><B>Well I am happy to hear that she doesn't have an eating disorder. I talked to my husband about this and he said you should try going south on her, if you know what I mean! Believe it or not, this isn't that uncommon. I sometimes can go a long time without sex. I am on a lot of medication and I have clinical depression. Does any of this apply to her? Well, even if it doesn't, try the south route, it may get her going. Let us know how it goes? Well, you don't have to be specific! lol.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

There may exist some abuse on past relationships and/or family. I suggest you visit a therapist.<P>As for you, you would only take it so long. That emotional need is not being taken cared of, and eventually you might seek somewhere else. I dont mean any disrepect, but us men need to know that we are pleasing to our partners. You will wonder and wonder.<P>Hint! Try going down on her. Some woman cant reach extasis from intercourse. This site might have some answers for you. It will have a bunch of articles on sex for men and woman. It is run by a PHD. <A HREF="http://www.linplaza.com" TARGET=_blank>www.linplaza.com</A> <P>Good Luck!<P>QUOTE]Originally posted by lkjlkjlkj:<BR><B>Please help! My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship together (3 years)but as of late (2 months) our sex life is no good. She has no sex drive and never gets turned-on, thus she is never wet and sex really hurts her. I know she finds me attractive, but that's not enough. We are very open and can tell each other if we find others attractive, she rarely thinks guys are attractive and even when she does she gets no sexual feeling from it. She never fantasises about anyone or anything and she can not get wet from masturbation either. She's very romantic, so I try to be as romantic as I can, but even after a whole day of romance, talks, massages, bonding, love, and foreplay she still does not get arroused. We've tried KY jelly but that only enables easier penetration, she still does not enjoy it at all. Her menstral cycles have been off so maybe that has something to do with it, but I have tried everything I can too help her and nothing is working. We've discussed this together, she knows I would never leave her for this problem and she knows I will do whatever I can to help but we can not come up with a solution. Please help us in any way you can, I don't know who or where to turn to.<BR>Added 02/02/00:<BR>I apprecitae the responses, however i do not believe it is menapause because she is only 20. Also I do not believe that it is subconcious convictions because we have talked about marraige and she knows we have every intention on getting married, we are just waiting for the right time, and especially the finances to have a wedding. She shows no signs of pregnancy and has been to the gynecologist since her period has stopped; everything checked out as normal. She did loose about 10 pounds in a month and a half and now weighs just 87 pounds. She is very small boned and works out regularly and now eats very healthy so there is reason for her to have lost some weight, also she had gotten sick for several days and lost some of the weight. Maybe this has had some affect on her hormones or something along those lines. <P>[This message has been edited by lkjlkjlkj (edited February 03, 2000).]</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

She comes from a very loving family and has never been the slightest bit abused nor has she had any abusive partners in the past. I already talked about the going down on her thing in a previous message, it still doesn't work. It is true that I want to know that I'm pleasing her, it's always been my main objective in our sex life because I'm the first person that she ever did anything below the belt with and I want her to enjoy her sexuality.<BR>As for the therapist thing, We don't have the money for things like that, thats why I'm hoping that you guys can help us through this. Thanks for the reply. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JAR:<BR><B>There may exist some abuse on past relationships and/or family. I suggest you visit a therapist.<P>As for you, you would only take it so long. That emotional need is not being taken cared of, and eventually you might seek somewhere else. I dont mean any disrepect, but us men need to know that we are pleasing to our partners. You will wonder and wonder.<P>Hint! Try going down on her. Some woman cant reach extasis from intercourse. This site might have some answers for you. It will have a bunch of articles on sex for men and woman. It is run by a PHD. <A HREF="http://www.linplaza.com" TARGET=_blank>www.linplaza.com</A> <P>Good Luck!<P>QUOTE]Originally posted by lkjlkjlkj:<BR>Please help! My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship together (3 years)but as of late (2 months) our sex life is no good. She has no sex drive and never gets turned-on, thus she is never wet and sex really hurts her. I know she finds me attractive, but that's not enough. We are very open and can tell each other if we find others attractive, she rarely thinks guys are attractive and even when she does she gets no sexual feeling from it. She never fantasises about anyone or anything and she can not get wet from masturbation either. She's very romantic, so I try to be as romantic as I can, but even after a whole day of romance, talks, massages, bonding, love, and foreplay she still does not get arroused. We've tried KY jelly but that only enables easier penetration, she still does not enjoy it at all. Her menstral cycles have been off so maybe that has something to do with it, but I have tried everything I can too help her and nothing is working. We've discussed this together, she knows I would never leave her for this problem and she knows I will do whatever I can to help but we can not come up with a solution. Please help us in any way you can, I don't know who or where to turn to.<BR>Added 02/02/00:<BR>I apprecitae the responses, however i do not believe it is menapause because she is only 20. Also I do not believe that it is subconcious convictions because we have talked about marraige and she knows we have every intention on getting married, we are just waiting for the right time, and especially the finances to have a wedding. She shows no signs of pregnancy and has been to the gynecologist since her period has stopped; everything checked out as normal. She did loose about 10 pounds in a month and a half and now weighs just 87 pounds. She is very small boned and works out regularly and now eats very healthy so there is reason for her to have lost some weight, also she had gotten sick for several days and lost some of the weight. Maybe this has had some affect on her hormones or something along those lines. <P>[This message has been edited by lkjlkjlkj (edited February 03, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>[/QUOTE]<P>

Wow, you're sure getting a lot of good suggestions here!! Here's another idea; I have read the the more body fat you have, the more estrogen is produced... Estrogen serves to lubricate the vagina, among other things. You can always use a lubricant (Astroglide or something) as a stopgap measure, but gaining back that weight might just solve your problem.

Hi,<BR>I noticed your post and wanted to respond because I am in your situation. In fact, I am virtually your girlfriend.<P>I feel very sorry for you. Let me relate my situation to you and I hope it helps:<P>My husband and I have been married for 6 years. I have no sex drive at all. I love him so much, but can't stand sex. I was abused as a child and I think this has a lot to do with it. I feel very trapped when having sex and used and dirty afterward.<P>One thing that kills me is that he just rolls over and goes to sleep he doesn't comfort me or talk to me.<P>I feel there are lots of ways to be intimate and would personally like to start over going through some of these things and eventually starting a sex life with his understanding of why it is difficult for me.<P>I suggest you sit down with your girlfriend and tell her how very much you love her. Tell her all of the things you like about her. Tell her what sets her apart from anyone else. Tell her what you cherish about her, admire about her, find physically attractive about her. Build her up. Tell her sex is not the only way to show love and show her! Send her flowers for no reason at all. Make something for her. A lopsided cake can do wonders! Smile at her. When she does something that you admire, enjoy or like, tell her so.<P>Order pizza in bed and watch movies without initiating sex. Paint her nails. Brush her hair. <P>If your girlfriend is like me, she is crying out for someone to show her love. To undo all of the years that she has felt less than normal. Show her love without strings and you will NEVER find a more dedicated and loving wife/girlfriend.<P>It will take a long time for you to build her up, but the reward will equal any joy you have ever known.

Once again I appreciate the response, but I have already tried a lot of the things you spoke of and others along those lines. We have had sevaral heart to heart talks about the subject and I constintly remind her that she is special to me. I compliment her on her looks all the time and tell her that I will love her no matter what comes of this and anything else I can to show her love and help her to have less stress and anxiety about the situation at hand. I never initiate sex anymore and try not to bring it up unless we are really going to discuss it. She knows that I will wait for her to make the first move. It's hard when the next step of an evening would usually be sex, we try to avoid it but I know she thinks about it and worries, she really wants to make love for her sake and mine, but her body just doesn't have any sexual feelings anymore, nothing kicks in that physically causes her to feel sexual and thus she is mentally unexcited.<BR>thanks again for the reply,<BR>greg