I have a five year old son from a previous relationship. His father is not in the picture at all, and my son does not<BR>remember him. I've always imagined finding someone who would love me and as well as my son. I've dated someone for a year and a half, and though he's gotten much better with my child, (pays with him more than he did in the beginning), but he still isn't all that attentive. I have suggested that perhaps he should just spend some time with my son alone to really get to know him, like go on an outing together, etc. He said "maybe I should." He never has. He is also never affectionate with my son. I don't want my boyfriend to be pressured into being his "father", but I know my child is hungry for attention from a male figure. Ideally I would like to marry someone who truely loves my<BR>child. I worry that if I don't it could have a very negative affect on my child, especially if I were to have more children. My son is very fun and animated. He's pretty well behaved with the only the typical "bad" behavior of a five year old. Anyone who's every met him adors him, I don't understand why my boyfriend does not. I know this is<BR>the first time my boyfriend has been around kids, so he doesn't really know what a typical five year old does, or what their needs are. <P>Is it too much to expect someone to "love" your child. I know these things take time. But how long do you wait? How long does it take to develope a bond?<P>I feel sometimes like I have to turn my child into this perfect being in hopes to earn the love of his potential step-father. I immediately dismiss these feelings when I get them because I know it's stupid and unreasonable. I just don't want my son growing up feeling the same why. My boyfried is certainly not mean to him, but he's not<BR>loving either. He's just kind of, there. I've heard stories of men who love other women's children like there own, and even adopt them. How common is this?<P>I'd appreciate any words from people, especially men who have been in this situation.

I had a girlfriend who treated my kids the same way. So I dumped her. A man's got to have his priorities.

As a "girlfriend" whose boyfriend has kids and who has struggled, as everyone in this situation does, with all the feelings of jealousy, resentment, and failure at not "loving" them nor having them "love" me back (real life is not "The Brady Bunch"), I was a little taken aback by your rather strident response. Are you a devotee of Harley's theories? If so (even if you aren't married), you must know that your relationship must be made a priority (equal or at worst a close second to kids) if it's to survive. Your kids are "temporary" (i.e. they will grow up and away and have their own lives), whereas any serious relationship you may enter into could be permanent. I just wonder, from your tone, how patient and understanding you were of your girlfriend? Take it from me, it's not easy dating a "package deal."<p>[This message has been edited by quandry (edited February 11, 2000).]