Hi,<p>I have not posted for a very long time. My life is going fairly well - more up days than down days. For those of you who do not know my story I was married for 12 years, together 13. My exH got a job promotion in Colorado in Nov. of 1999 while we were living in California (we have one daughter - now 12). He left for the new job in January of 2000. We were supposed to follow him in June of 2000. Unbenkownst to me, he had started an extramarital affair with a coworker sometime in 1999 (I don't know if I will ever find out the truth about when their affair started). Our d-day was March 17, 2000 and he told me in an email two weeks later that our marriage was over. Our divorce was final in December of 2000 and he married the OW in January of 2001.<p>My daughter and I moved to Idaho in March of 2001 and her dad and his new wife (who moved from California) continue to live in Colorado.<p>I have been through two years of gut wrenching heartache but with time, support of friends and family and lots of therapy I have pretty much put a lot of my pain behind me.<p>The last piece of the puzzle, so to speak, that is left for me is with my daughter. She is a wonderful girl. Her dad calls her about once a week and has her 20% of the time. I just don't understand how he can tolerate being away from her as much as he is. <p>He is no longer a daily part of her life and most likely never will be again. I don't envision him ever moving here to Boise to be closer to her and as time goes on she will become more involved with friends, part-time jobs and school and will most likely see him less than she does now.<p>How can a father experience the birth of, what will most likely be his only child,(he is 47 and had a vasectomy), be a part of her life for over 10 years and then just not be a daily part of her life anymore. I just don't get this. I would be tearing my hair out if I had to be apart from my daughter as much as he is.<p>I know that I have no control over him and I am so grateful for the privilege of being her mom and being able to spend time with her. If any of you could give me some insight into his mindset I would appreciate it. I need closure in this area.<p>Thanks
Pat

hi pat,<p>first answer this. . . . why do you need to know why someone views life differently than you do?<p>there are millions of different people in the world, each with different viewpoints from you or me. . . so why would you need to know about why his is different?<p>If he gave you his answer, if he said, "look, being a parent is too much responsibility for me, i don't like it." would you accept this?<p>remember its his opinion, not yours. . . . <p>wiftty

My friends dad moved out when we were in H.S. He got himself and new wife, and a new life, and she and her sister didn't fit in with that. She was abandoned by him, but was happy enough with her life that it didn't bother her too much. She still gets a card from him at Christmas, and when she has a baby (4 so far!) he finds out through the family grapevine and sends something. <p>I read somewhere how sometimes parents have such guilt over leaving that they feel the child will be better off without them.<p>Your daughter can have a full and happy life without her father, even though it would be nice to have him more involved.<p>You don't say in your post if your daughter is traumatized by this, so I imagine she isn't. <p>If it isn't an issue with her, don't make it one. It is always hard to understand why people act the way they do, and if you keep trying to figure it out you'll probably dirve yourself crazy. <p>My suggestion is, go on with your life as you have been, and be happy. Find joy in your daughter, and don't look for things to worry about. Easier said than done I know. <p>People do things for reasons, no reasons, and stupid reasons. Be there for your daughter as you have been, and be thankful that you can give her your love and lots of time. <p>He is the one that is missing out. One day he will realize it, and hopefully try and make things right before it is too late. <p>Elizabeth

I think it is far too simplistic to hypothesize that he "views life differently." I can't speak for Pat's ex-H, but I am absolutely positive that our children meant the world to my H. Now he spends little time with them and almost never calls them. Even if the children do not appear to be traumatized at the time, they often are deeply affected, often years later (the sleeper effect). This is absolutely the most difficult part to deal with for many people whose husbands (or wives) leave after long-term marriages, abandoning or nearly abandoning their children. They may claim that the divorce is not about their children, but it is. These men abandon everything that is important to them - their family, often their friends, sometimes their parents, their ideals, their core beliefs, lifelong interests about which they were once passionate. One can not merely say, "Oh well, it's their loss," not only because it is more importantly their children's loss, but also because that assessment implies that they made a conscious, rational decision to follow this course, when in fact such actions are almost always the result of serious mental illness, mental illness which probably causes as much devastation to families worldwide as cancer and heart disease combined.

I can speak from experience on this topic! My parents were divorced when i was 15. My dad had never really been a "real" dad to me or to my sister. He didn't remarry, but we didn't see him for about 5 years...didn't hear from him either. Then one day he just popped back into our lives! I was about 20 then. Sure, I missed him when I was apart from him those years and wished he would just call, come see us, do something! But, truth be told, my Mom was the person who cared for us, loved us, put a roof over our heads, fed us and yes tried her hardest to discipline two unruly teens! So, I was rather glad to be with mom instead of with a dad who probably couldn't have handled the "women" kind of stuff mom was good at...besides, she turned out to be the best friend I have ever had. Now, As an adult of 30ish, my dad and I have a very close, strong relationship. My advice to you is this...if he still takes somewhat of an active role in her life be happy about it! At some point, she is going to go through that stage where she doesn't want to be around either of you...unfortunately [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But, as she grows into an adult, she will value both of you as people and cherish the differences in her relationship with you and her dad.

Thanks to all for your kind replies. As I often do, I project my feelings and mindset onto my exH and when I do that I start down the path of fantasy land. When I think back on how my exH was while we were an intact family he was a dad only when it was convenient for him, especially once my daughter started school. He traveled often for work and was gone at least one week a month. I think this constant travel started the detachment process for him. He also loathed family get-togethers even with his own family. He told me at one point during the divorce that he could not go back to "that life". I think he wanted to establish a new life for himself where, through geographical distance, he did not have to have any family obligations.<p>I realize now that the life I wanted for us is not the life he wanted. I kept thinking that he would change over time and he kept building up resentments. One of my good friends thinks that with his new wife he may have the playmate that he always wanted.<p>I am grateful that he does call as often as he does and he has been out to see her here in Boise four times since we moved. He and I are not on good terms and I don't know if we will ever be but I am praying for him and his new wife and hope that eventually things will be better between us (right now this is not possible - he is taking me back to court to try and lower support amounts).Divorce was not something that I joined on for but, unfortunately, it is the hand that I hav been dealt and I have to learn to restructure my life around it. <p>Pat