Update....<p>H called to ask if I mionded if he gave me less money this week as he was a bit short...I said no problem....(it really isnt iether)
H came by yesterday morning to drop off money...kids were at school...I offered him a coffee and he said sure...he sat in the living room with me....we talked a bit about small stuff...weather..work etc...I asked him how he was he said "ok" Ileft it at that....Then he mentioned that the dog,(which used to be his) was sitting right beside me. He said guess you got a new best friend....I then(and I for the life of me dont know what possessed me to say anything) but told him that the dog missied him...he looked at me a bit strange and I said that everytime h comes and leaves the dog whines for about an hour after...H just seemed a bit surprised....then I told him the kids missed him too....and as a really dumb thing to do I told him I missed him as well.....
H then turned his head...there were tears in his eyes...he didnt say anything....niether did i...he stood up, and was crying....I asked him why.....he said " i did what I had to do, and I feel soo guilty...then I replied...that no one here threw him out or has thrown him out yet...there are other ways of dealing with all this. He said he knew....gave me a hug....I gave him one back...and he pleasantly left. <p>Is this the REAL picture of a couple who have just separated....I am really confused.....is GUILTY a good thing....thinking about it I suppose its better than feeling nothing...<p>I know that we are not supposed to talk about OR....but for some reason the timing felt right...but the problem I now have is ....what to do next.....obviously me getting on with things...or at least pretending realy good is working somewhat...as he is thinking about things...(I think)<p>I dont want to push anything faster than it needs to go....yet dont want him feeling there is no hope cos he left...and for some reason its an unforgivable sin....my opinion is he screwed up yes...but if WE are willing to work at things can they not be fixable...??<p>He admitted to me that the night he left...when I "thought" he was with OW...he was at his barren apt...and drank a full bottle of booze...I didnt chastise him...just listend....but my mind was reeling....he is sooo confused....and I KNOW for sure now he is feeling very guilty....but is that enough to get him to think about working on the marriage...??? I acted like a lady throughout the whole visit...never lost my composure////but when he left...I was really upset....and a bit hopeful that things may turn around....<p>Am I wrong in hoping, given the conversation we had....should I now just sit back and wait some more seeing as I made it clear to him that the door was not "locked" <p>ROLLERCOASTER RIDE doesnt begin to describe this..<p>H picked daughter up today to take to BROs and to see grandma....youngest wouldnt go...<p>Any advice from some experienced ones out there....
thanks in advance....Kathy

alienswife,<p> I don't have direct experience with your situation, as my H never left, but I have read alot on these boards, and it may be that there is a bit of hope for you both. Read about plan A, if you already haven't (sorry I don't know your story). It appears like he may be having some second thoughts about what he's doing. Maybe the real world without you and your kids is not quite the way he expected it to be. Maybe the OW isn't quite the prize he thought she was when the relationship was still a secret. Could he be coming out of the fog? I hope some more experienced and wise folks will chime in on this for you, I know that there are many people here who can help you. Take care, Carmen

Maybe it could be something, it sounds like something that would normally occur, it normally occurred with us about 14 times over several years. <p>The two times it happened that stick out:<p>When we went even further with the conversation, cried and talked all night finally deciding to try one last time with "every cell in our bodies". The next day he got on a plane leaving me promises and roses, was picked up by the twice divorced 23 year old bimbette with the domestic violence conviction and did her quite nicely in the airport parking lot I hear. He told her that we decided to make a go of it, and that he doubted it would work so he would continue to do her till .... And then a few days of doing her past and he was on a lift at work and fell 4.5 stories. She didn't want him, I took care of him for two years and now I am just a tiny bit bitter.<p>Oh, but that's not all.<p>This past Christmas Eve, I can't even go into all the details. Let's just say I will never do that again, and the doctor says even though I had to take those nasty heavy duty antibiotics, the important blood tests came out ok, although they will have to be repeated in 6 months.<p>I don't want to sound like a killjoy, and I do hope that this is a glimmer of hope for you, but I would tread very carefully, and try not to let your heart get broken over again. <p>It is normal to miss him and for him to miss you, you were together all the time for ages. And sure, he feels guilty, he was a real butt. <p>You let him know that you were still willing to work on the marriage. I'd sit back awhile and see what happens. <p>Although I sound pretty negative about it, I really do hope for you it means something.<p>Elizabeth

what it means is this (assuming there is an OW):<p>from his point of view, the in love feelings that the OW has generated with him are much stronger than were ever generated with you. . . that he can remember. . . and now, he is stuck in a two choice dilemma. . . that he does not know how to get out of this situation because he doesn't know how to forgive himself for being human, he would be furious and very hurt if you had done this, and could not forgive you if you had done this.<p>Since this is his opinion, he can never live with you holding this over his head, like he would hold it over your head. . . he knows he is weong, and he has never had to deal with this type of wrong before, and does not understand that the truth will both punish him right now, and set him free for the future. . .
because he knows he is hurting you, he would rather leave than face what he thinks will happen, and what he has to live with. . .<p>as my counselor once told me along time ago, each of us has to decide how to live and to be honest. . and to take the consequences, the good with the bad. . .<p>he is focusing on the present, and can't see the future. This is typical of certain personality types, if they have very strong S and J tendencies in the MBTI personality types. . . if he has low self esteem. . . if he has very little highly developed social skills. . . . <p>OK so does this answer your question?