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#722118 03/02/02 05:29 PM
Joined: Jun 1999
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OK, this is going to sound really strange to some of you, but I am going to give this a try anyway. . . .<p>PLEASE. . . I am not looking for ANYONE to bash either myself or my STBXW. I am looking for some assistance more for her than anything right now.<p>For those who are not aware, my STBX left me on the day after Thanksgiving. She ended up filing for divorce, which will be final in just over a month. At the time she left she accused me of having an affair with a friend.<p>Well, after her leaving and filing divorce, etc, I did end up becoming very emotionally attached to this other person. There may be a future for the two of us, but at this point in time I really don't know for sure.<p>Anyway, my STBX brought our daughter to my apartment for my visitation this weekend. She was going to be picking up some things that she wanted from the apartment, and we figured it would be better if she just came to the apartment. Before she left, my SBTX, my daughter and I went out to dinner. . . While we were eating my cell phone rang, sure enough it was this friend that I have become involved with. . . . . Needless to say this upset my STBX.<p>We have talked a couple of times today, and it sounds to me as though my STBX is having second thoughts about everything that has gone on. She seems to be taking it very hard right now.<p>I have been trying very hard for us to have an amicable divorce. We have discussed the fact that we are going to be involved in each others lives for at least the next 10 years, until our daughter turns 18, and that we need to find a way for the two of us to be friends so that we do not inflict anymore pain on our daughter than we already have.<p>My STBX used to post on these forumns as some of you may know, however she has felt attacked much more so than given support in the past. I think that she needs to be supported a little bit right now, and would greatly appreciate any assistance you can give.

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First and only piece of advice I can offer, unless you are required to be on call to deal with emergencies for family or work related reasons, leave the cell phone turned off if you are having dinner with someone. Highly rude to answer phone in a restaurant unless you are on call.

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I realize that this is a weekend, but I really would like to get some POSITIVE support for my STBX.<p>She called me again this morning and was crying because I was able to express feelings to this new person in my life, better than I did to her.<p>I could be wrong here, but I think my SBTX is realizing what the consequences of leaving were.<p>I can't change what has happened. All I can do is try to make things as painless as possible for everyone involved. Right now, that means helping my STBX gain some support.<p>Come on folks. . . .We are so far beyond morality games and manners lessons. the damage has already been done to our marriage. The goal now is to work toward a friendly, amicable divorce, and work toward building a friendship instead of an enemy.<p>Is anyone willing to help with that?

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ES,
I don't think I can be of help. I still harbor a great deal of resentment towards my x and that will always continue to get in the way of us being "friends," especially when she does something that I beleive isn't in the best interest of the kids, which I feel isn't her top priority.<p>
You two are going to have to find some way of trusting each other again. I am not sure how you do that. It sounds like you tried to do that when you were reconciling, but something got in the way.<p>I don't think your new friend being in the picture will help much either. SHe needs to keep a low profile. IMHO, if you want peace with the stbx, don't be mixing a new relationship into the mix so fast. I would imagine she now feels that she was right about the affair. How do you think that makes her feel? How do you think she will react to that?<p>Hang in !

Joined: Feb 2001
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You state that your wife accused you of an affair. It sounds like you were. YOur STBXW didn't know what else to do but divorce if you were not willing to "admit" that you were emotionally involved with someone else.<p>Divorce SUCKS. There is no amicable divorce no matter what you may think or want. You have a child involved. That child deserves an intact family. It sounds like neither you nor your wife know how to save your marriage. With a third party involved, YOU WON"T.<p>Tell your "friend" to leave you alone and go back to your wife and work things out. Get help. After a year of intense therapy, then decide. Your child deserves 1 year of your life.<p>The grass isn't greener on the other side!<p>hopelessmom


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