I am ending a 30 year marriage. I initiated the divorce after an encounter with a married man at a professional conference -- we ended up together, not sexually, but very close. My vulnerability scared me! I filed for divorce, then shortly after, started an affair with the man I was attracted to. We fell deeply in love! I still love him, but he went back to his wife of 30 years -- said he still had strong feelings for her and could not handle the rejection from his grown children over the divorce (she was divorcing him on adultery charges). He went back and wants to try to make a go of his marriage. In the past few days, I have had such emotional pain, and a lot of it is because I "used" him to mask the pain of ending a 30 year marriage -- to a good man, but an emotionally neglectful man. Since my lover is gone, I have had to come to terms with the loss of both. My divorce will be final this week. I'm really scared and would like more time, but that's so unfair to my husband. He has been devastated (he walked in my house one day and saw my lover with me -- in bed!) Since then, he has stayed away, and has made no attempts to reconcile, even though his great sadness always shows (we see each other a lot because of our children -- we have 4 -- and we keep a civil profile for their sakes). I somehow wish he had tried to pull me back to him -- but that is part of our problem all along. He has no energy to devote to me -- television was his focal point in life.<p>I don't want to have lifelong regrets for not trying everything I know to do, but it seems like he would have given some effort by now -- not just waiting like he always has -- for something "magical" to happen. His most frequently used phrase "I was just hoping..." -- but never any action. <p>Anybody out there have any good advice for me? I probably have about 2 more days before he signs the final papers. By the way, he said he's just now beginning to feel that there's more "out there" for him, and is starting to go out with friends and has had a couple of dates.

I don't want to respond to your post here, as this is a forum primarily for betrayed spouses. They are in a lot of pain, and I've found it's best to take the views of the betrayer or the "leaver" of the marriage elsewhere. Those that are posting here are focused on saving their marriages or recovering from being left. Posting live stories such as yours can cause them much pain, as it reminds them of what they've dealt or are dealing with. This is not what the need at this point, imo. If you will visit www.gloryb.com and then go to the General Forum (on the message board), I think you might find more kindrid spirits. There are many there who have left long-term marriages. This board is for those who are in pain as the left behind.<p>My sister went through a situation eerily similar to yours. She left a marriage 25 years, together much longer, children, etc. Her husband was devastated. She has since remarried someone much more appropriate for her and has been very happy for several years. These passages can be so very hard for everyone, the left and the leaver alike. <p>My thoughts are with you. I admire your strength to confront your unhappiness and disatisfaction.<p>Hope this helps.<p>JAL

I just wanted to welcome you, Deb. Yes, there are a lot of betrayed spouses (BS) that post here but there's room for everyone. You might get some flaming, don't be surprised. The pain is unreal and people tend to lash out when they're hurting but if you really want to learn what went wrong in your marriage, read, read, read and read some more. Go back to HOME and search out the Harley's concepts. I think you'll find that some things might have been written about you.

I agree with above. Read everything. If you are feeling there is a chance that your marriage can be saved, you owe it to yourself and your husband to follow it through. But, you may also be feeling the normal sadness that occurs with passages in our lives. We never grow without leaving something behind.<p>JAL