I know that I shouldn't be here. I know that many of the women here that are wives of husbands that had an affair, or think they may be having an affair probably want to rip my head off right now for posting here. <p>But let me explain a little. I was involved in an emotional "on line affair", with one meeting, just one meeting. and no, there was no sex involved. I could never sleep with another woman's husband. Fall in love with, yes, that I did, but never consumated this love. I am 23, single, never married, just starting out my life and career and I swear to all of you NEVER in 1000 million years thought that I would ever "get involved" with someone who was married. <p>I hope that this post will not only help myself, but other women that have had husbands that have had an "emotional affair" with someone on line. <p>There are many men out there that are good men. That are true to themselves and their families. My Married Man is one of them. <p>we were only "together" for 4 months, but recently, his wife finally agreed to go to counceling, after him asking her for 2 years. <p>Part of me is so elated. He's been married for 11 years. If the two of them can get back to good, by all means, I hope they can. They have 2 children. <p>He originally said he wanted counseling for an amicable divorce. So when he started, he said that he needed to just be friends with me. He still wants to talk to me and be friends with me. I told him that I can't be friends with him. He was a WIFE and I shouldn't have even let myself talk to him from the get go. <p>For the sake of women that have had husbands who have had emotional affairs on line, I hope that your H is as strong as this man. As much as it hurts me that I care so deeply for this man, he's trying to do the righ thing. He's trying to work on the empire that he and his wife has built. <p>I don't contact him anymore. He may e-mail me to see how my life's going on, and sure, I'll tell him. But that's it. <p>I guess what I really want to know is how marriage counseling works. I think if I know what is discussed and what exersizes the H and W do, it will really and truly make me move on. After all, who am I to be another complication. <p>I am sorry if my posting here offends anyone. If you want to rip my head off and get your anger out in replying to this post, I can understand that. <p>I am not asking for any of you to understand the point of view of the "other woman", or my point of view. I'm just asking you to please give me some insight as to what they are doing in counseling. I think that hearing this will make me feel like such **** about myself, that I will just close this chapter of the book in my life and tell him that I can't even be friends with him. <p>Again, I do wish all of you the best, as do I hope my xMM and W can get back what they had together. <p>Cordially,
Letting him go

Thank you for your honesty. I don't think your presence is completely bad here. I have seen some women in your position really get an education on how their behavior has affected families. <p>
There are many men out there that are good men. That are true to themselves and their families. My Married Man is one of them. <p>First of all, he is not your married man, he is someone elses husband. I don't think I would call a MM who has an online affair true to himself and his family.<p>. He was a WIFE and I shouldn't have even let myself talk to him from the get go.
I don't contact him anymore. He may e-mail me to see how my life's going on, and sure, I'll tell him. <p>You seem a bit confused with what contact is. You say you know you shouldn't talk to him, you don't contact him anymore, but then you say you will answer his emails. Answering his emails is not no contact, and even if your intentions are pure, the contact you have with him is either being kept a secret from his wife (bad idea) or hurting her every time she finds out about it (cruel). So my advice to you would be to truly let him go, do not make contact or accept contact from him.<p>I guess what I really want to know is how marriage counseling works. I think if I know what is discussed and what exersizes the H and W do, it will really and truly make me move on. After all, who am I to be another complication.<p>If you want to know how marriage counseling works I would be more than happy to share my experiences with you. I was in marriage counseling for several years. There are also courses you could take at the local community college, or go to a counselor yourself and ask how it works. Get a book. If you know what happens during marriage counseling with this man and his wife you are violating her confidence and putting yourself somewhere nobody belongs except husband, wife, and counselor. How would you like it if I listened in on your therapy sessions? (I hope you are pursuing this avenue.)<p>What should truly make you move on is knowing what you did was wrong, and that to continue it would be making it very difficult for them to work on their marriage. <p>If you believe you are another complication then you should totally remove yourself from the situation. It is not fair to his wife to feel as if you are waiting in the wings to swoop down and change her life, and the childrens lives forever. How can she go through her days wondering what opinions you are giving her husband about their marriage? Even if you aren't - she is still wondering.<p>If you are being truly honest and want a good reason to get out of the spot you put yourself in, think about my 8 year old son.<p>His name is Chris. He is in second grade. He is in therapy 2 times a week now because someone like you just wouldn't let go. She continued to talk to my husband even after I called her and said "please don't talk to my husband anymore we are trying to work on our marriage". She told him she would like to be his friend. Now we are divorced. My daughter will never remember what it was like to live with her mommy and daddy in the same house. My son will remember, and knows that his daddy wouldn't stop having a girlfriend, and because of this daddy doesn't live with us anymore.<p>If you are truly letting go, then do it. Let go. All the way. Do not answer a phone call from him. If he calls hang up. Do not answer any email from him. Block him from your account or delete without even reading. Change your email address. Why tempt yourself? Why tempt him? <p>You are only 23 years old. You made a mistake. Since you recognize this, then why dwell on it? There is no reason you cannot make the decision to let go and then do it. The last thing you want to have to live with is being a party to a ruined marriage. He has plenty of things to worry about besides how you are. He should concentrate on his wife and children. Any attention he gives you is attention that should be given to his family. <p>I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you have the easy road here. It is the family that is on the verge of being broken that has the hard road.<p>Elizabeth

I am glad you are reaching out for opinions.. please end ALL CONTACT immediately... this includes... email, phone, letters, in person... etc... your relationship with him is wrong.. and he has violated his relationship with his wife... please stop all of this right now... <p>You are young and have your life in front of you.. how would you feel if you were his wife, and knew about you... would you think what you are doing is right...<p>I married at 23, and had 2 kids.. with the love of my life... an office girl... could of cared less aobut my life, my family , etc... and had my H's picture on her palm pilot.. (just ofund out that one yesterday, still angry abou t it)-<p>I am sickened by her and what she did to my 2 children and my family... my H is very much part of my family... she added to all of this confusion and made things so much worse... than they ever had to be... (I was quite ill when all of this happened).<p>SHow some respect for yourself by getting out of this... and for him and his family... there is no such thing as being friends with someone who you have had an affair with... <p>Develop your own interests and your spirituality , not being with him... I can't say much more, as the subject simply makes me sick to my stomach.<p>God bless you ,and may you do what is right.<p>H

Thank you for your candor and expressign yourself here. I think you know that it is wrong and want some advice as to what to do. It seems like you are hopeing that it doesnt work out for him and his wife. I hope that isnt the case. I also spoke to the OW and asked her not to be involved with my husband. She claims she is a Christian and told me that if my husband wanted to remain friends with her that it was up to him and that i had no say in it.. You however have a say in this matter. JUST END IT> COMPLETELY........

Letting Him Go,<p>I commend you for "letting him go" and can somewhat understand your need for closure. However, I think you are grasping at straws.<p>I've had individual counseling only as my cheating H refused counseling. The work in counseling is of little value if one/both do not implement some changes the rest of the week. I note this because I highly doubt that knowledge of counseling will help you to move on.<p>Of course you didn't write your whole story, but if your MM wanted counseling for an amicable divorce, then he went into it for the wrong reasons.(You said "originally" so perhaps he has changed his tune) I know you are new to marriagebuilders, but is this why you posted on the divorced/divorcing board? <p>You also said: <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I'm just asking you to please give me some insight as to what they are doing in counseling. I think that hearing this will make me feel like such **** about myself, that I will just close this chapter of the book in my life and tell him that I can't even be friends with him. <hr></blockquote><p>Curious as to why the details of counseling will have an affect on you? Is it the intimacy that they may share? Is it the hurt that they may share? The potentially new commitment? If so, keep in mind that does not have to ONLY happen in counseling.<p>Only the three of you know how this story will end. I believe that it will simply take sheer will on your part to "close this chapter" You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, not to mention little time invested in this relationship. Don't bog yourself down waiting for his marriage to end. Choose to close this chapter as supporting cast and open a "new" chapter that YOU get to STAR in with a new leading man.<p>Good Luck,
Enlightened<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Enlightened ]</p>

Letting him go,<p>Please be aware that a wayward spouse WS, your married man as you call him, is capable and probably is lying to everyone, including you and himself. BTW, religion is no deterrent. They are so confused. You are complicating matters. You do not see his true self right now anyway. He is married. His wife and you are together meeting his needs and he feels in love. Since you're the latest change in his life, he thinks it's you that's causing him to feel in love with you. Do you really think you can meet all his needs and contend with 2 children that are not your own? I'll bet you don't even know what his needs are.<p>Relationships born out of affairs have a 95% failure rate. You would go into a relationship with him knowing full-well that he could later cheat on you. You also have to realize that he knows you're capable of the same. Affairs are based upon fantasy. Sooner or later reality creeps in and the fantasy is gone. Eventually you will probably find that you two are not nearly as compatible as you think you are.<p>He has a lot of baggage. Two kids and maybe a failed marriage. You're young. Go find an unmarried man and build something. Thinking that you can just move in on someone who seems so established will just get you into trouble. He isn't very established if his marriage is in trouble. It usually takes two people to screw up a marriage. Thinking he's a perfect guy is probably wrong.<p>If he needs to talk to someone, it MUST be his wife. It cannot be you. A good friend would constantly remind him of that. The only way for him to fix his marriage or come to an amicable divorce is by talking to his wife. Granted, counseling with an independent 3rd party should help. (That means you're excluded)<p>On the other hand, so happy you are here. You have an incredible opportunity to learn most everything you will need to have a wonderful and lasting relationship. The Harley's books should be required reading. Start by reading everything you can on this website. Then, start reading the books. Ask questions in the forums and read read read.<p>Have absolutely no further contact of any type with the married man. I know you're going to hurt a bit. You were, have fallen for him. It is all an illusion. I know you're hurting a bit right now, but it will never compare to the pain later.<p>Kevin<p>Mother was WS. Married the OM who became my step-dad. Miserable marriage. No love after about a year.<p>XW is chasing after the OM.<p>Brother's STBXW is cheating.<p>Cousin's STBXW is cheating.<p>yada, yada, yada<p>And so it goes...<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</p>

For one thing, don't worry about what they will be discussing in counseling..but since your asking,
you probably want to know if they will be discussing yours and his relationship...well
that depends on how honest he is with himself and his wife..and if he really wants his marriage to work..he will have to be honest with her about that..<p>This will cause her great pain..<p>You will go through withdrawls of your own..of not talking to him..and not hearing from him..so you need to think about you..and moving forward in your own life..find activities you enjoy go out and do them..find friends that you can do things w/ that will take your mind off of this man...
it will help you in the long run...and most importantly...<p>LEARN...From this experience about what kind of relationship you want one day with your own husband..and learn the value of open and honest communication in a relationship...and learn that if a person is going to 'cheat' with you..they are more likely to 'cheat' on you...if you go into a relationship with them...or they won't trust you
because they think if you 'cheated' with them..you will 'cheat' on them...<p>So if he e-mails you again...you can delete the e-mail...or you can e-mail him back and let him know..that will be the last response to his e-mail because you don't want to be his OW, and want him to work on his marriage...you could also send him a link to this site..and tell him if he's really serious about working on his marriage...he should read the information here...and then tell him..
Good-bye, and wish him the best of luck in his marriage...