I was young when i married my ex, senior yr in high school to be exact. We had the purest of love, we were the first of everything to one another.Then he went into service spent first yr apart, then i found out he had drinking problem while overseas..he was gone i met someone else, filed for divorce he said he didnt contest it b/c he wanted me to be happy. As i said we were young. That someone i met, i moved in with one wk after knowing one anther and we are now going on #5yrs of marriage and one child.My ex and I have found one another on internet 2yrs ago and have talked and have seen one another for about 6hrs one time, we only talked but what we were thinking was way more. We live several thousands miles apart so internet is our only means of communication. Well...my dilema is..i love both men. I love my husband for giving me our son. for being nice to us, for loving us. I love my ex for all the first we had, the purest of love we had, the most meaningful love we had and still do have. We both have grown up and i know our marriage couldve been saved if we sought counseling. I even stopped emailing ex for about 3months to clear my head and really concentrate on my marriage. Well my DH is inthe service and away and if we ever have a spat over the phone he says"well maybe you could find someone else that would make you happy".<BR>The ex has always said"my door is open to you and your child, i love you both"....he doesnt pressure me to return to him just makes his feelings known. It seems that every slow song that comes on teh radio reminds me of ex....i just am so torn, i have no family, and my dear friend suggested coming here for help. Any advice would be appreciated.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

hanora--Read her other posts. It's the same song and dance. <P>Brenda--You've asked for advice here and received it. You keep asking the same question. Well, this is a marriage builders site. If you're looking for someone to TELL you to dump your current H for your previous H, here ya go. Do it. You're gonna push and push until your H LETS you go anyway. <P>I probably sound harsh. But honestly, this is getting old. You just gave advice to someone yesterday to work on her marriage. Maybe you should follow your own advice!

Ya know the first impression I went away with fro reading your post Brenda, is that you were looking for approval to leave #2. <P>I feel for you. I have no doubt that you feel torn. I've been there at times as well. This is a very touchy subject and it is only you wh can come to terms with it. <P>I don't know if it is right, but maybe you need some one on one counseling to really work the issue out. <P>If it is true that you come often to post about the same subject it must really be eating you. You can't just forget it. talk to a counselor.<P>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Infatuation is a "feeling"<BR>True Love is a "choice"

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lucks:<BR><B>hanora--Read her other posts. It's the same song and dance. <P>Brenda--You've asked for advice here and received it. You keep asking the same question. Well, this is a marriage builders site. If you're looking for someone to TELL you to dump your current H for your previous H, here ya go. Do it. You're gonna push and push until your H LETS you go anyway. <P>I probably sound harsh. But honestly, this is getting old. You just gave advice to someone yesterday to work on her marriage. Maybe you should follow your own advice!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>~~ well lucks im sorry that you have nothing better to do than look up my past history on here. Im in a dilema, my heart is torn for one man that i was married to and one that i am married to. You know, if you know so well that i keep posting its b/c i dont have any family support near me, my child is ill i may now be ill, too much to deal with, all i came here for was so others could maybe look at my situation and tell me from an outsiders view what they think is going on. I have been in this for years, trying to figure my feelings out and its not EASY TO DO ALONE!! Also, this is NO SONG AND DANCE, so if you wouldnt mind, if im such a BOTHER TO YOU, then PLEASE DONT POST ANYMORE TO THINGS THAT I SAY!<BR>

Ok I like lucks went back and read your other post…you have went from having a son to having a daughter with your H. If this is just a typo sorry but if this is not for real I think it is a very sick and cruel joke you are trying to play on someone or all of us.

I think I struck a nerve. <P>I'm sorry your child is ill and that you may be too. What sort of illness? <P>You left your first H when he was away, for your second H. You're contemplating leaving your second H while he is away, for your first H. You are actively involved in an emotional affair. <P>Have you read the valuable information located at this website? <P>No one said life was going to be "easy." We DO get out of it what we put into it. We make mistakes. Isn't it our responsibility to learn from those mistakes? To DEAL with our stresses?<P>You are romanticizing what you THINK it might be like to reunite with your first H. There were reasons, right or wrong, that you left him in the first place. You say he had a drinking problem. Well, how do you know that's changed? Because he says it has? I can certainly make no judgement on that, but the reality is--it's pretty easy to SAY drinking is no longer a problem. <P>I would highly recommend you get some professional counseling. I assume a military package includes either free, or easy-to-afford counseling. And inform your H of your confused feelings. He deserves to know the truth, and a chance to work on things WITH you. He also has the right to make up his own mind about what HE wants too! Set aside what your first H wants. That has no place in your current marriage, AND if his feelings and intent are genuine that will still be there later when you are free to make that choice. Or, are you afraid that option would no longer be available to you?<P>You're lonely? How about getting off that computer that keeps you focussed on your first H and making some new friends? Church, neighbors, the mothers in your child's play group. Get your mind off what you perceive as monumental problems and do something fun and/or constructive! There are all sorts of activity groups that would be interesting. <P>Is your H on assignment? How often are you able to see him? Spend the interim time thinking of new and exciting things for the two of you to do together in the time you have available. Do thoughtful things for him; concentrate on him! <P>Think about it, how CAN you decide between the two men if you keep pitting them against each other in your mind? The answer IS simpler than you think--resolve your current situation unfettered by thoughts of other scenarios. If you don't, you will be making the same mistake...again.<P>I've responded to your posts before, with no acknowledgement from you. At least I got one this time. I DID point out that my last response probably sounded harsh. I'm responding because I DO care and I WOULD like to see you working through your dilemma. I will applaud your efforts, and probably want to kick your cyber butt if I detect mere whining. <P>Really--been there/done that/got the t-shirt. Speaking from experience.<P>If I say now that I do have better things to do and need to sign off, is that making light of your situation? Hang in there, you'll figure this out yet.

LMS--that is kind of a weird typo to make.<P>Will you clear this up for us, Brenda?

Trust me I know how hard it is to be a military wife I have been for the last eight years, it dose get lonley, it dose suck, that your H dose have to put his job before your family. Have you tried the free counseling from the family support center or even from the chaplain?<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Brenda99<BR>I've been reading your post and the replies and you asked for advice and I think poeple have given you some things to think about. My response is to tell you a little about my story. I was married to MY first love right out of high school. I had my son when I was a nieve 19 and my daughter at a still nieve 21. My ex was a drug addict and alcholic. In and out of jail, moving from one woman to another, and never taking care of his family. Then comes his 10 year class reunion. We had a huge fight and he forbid me to go. So he went alone, and I spent a miserable night wondering where he was.(he never showed up till 5:00 the next morning.)<BR>Shortly after, he told me he was leaving us to be with HIS first love. They had dated in high school and had a child together at 15 years old. The baby was given up for adoption and her parents moved her to another school. He said they were never allowed to resolve their feelings for each other and he loved her and was leaving. So he packed his bags and left, moving hundreds of miles away from his kids. He would come see the kids about once a month and would try to play both fields. Tell me he still loved me and that he was really confused. For a while I played his game. Then one day it hit me, why do I want him back so bad. He was a horrible husband and a so-so dad. I filed for divorce and he was just devistated. How could I do this to him? After the divorce was final and hers was too(her husband had no idea of the affair until I spilled the beans) they were married. They now have a duaghter and my kids have asister that they never see. He's started telling me what a big mistake he has made and how sorry he is. My kids see their dad maybe one weekend every couple months. He keeps telling them and me how much he misses them and how he's now trapped in a marriage he dosen't want and stuck so far away from his children, but he can't leave his daughter he has with his current wife. What a bunch of bull. You make your bed now lie in it. That's what I tell him. I am now married to a wonderful guy. He's a great husband and great step-dad. My kids have to live with the fact that their dad chose another woman over them. They have a hard time with it. When he married her, he didn't even tell the kids until two weeks after the fact. What I'm trying to say is that choices have been made and now they must be dealt with. Moving backwards gets you no where and continuing to move forward is important for the well being of the kids. My kids are lucky that their step-dad is such a great guy and helps fill the void of their missing dad. But it can never be filled completely.<BR>Work things out with your husband, continue to move forward. Things that happened in the past are in the past and that's where they should be kept. Mark your experience with your ex as a building block to learn from. For the sake of your son.<BR>This is just an opinion, take what you want and leave the rest.<BR>Good Luck.