I have spent nearly two years on the Other Topics part of this board but now it's time to move on over here.<p>It's been more than 15 yrs of "marriage" (not functional one) to a VERY VERY VERY Controlling man, and Abusive verbally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...etc, etc. He doesn't want a healthy growing relationship or to be bothered with the idea anymore. Yesterday I was served the Summons. <p>Anybody have advice on the legal process? We're hoping to reach an agreement of both attorneys and us and stay out of court. I read in the papers I received, that mediation is not required when there's an abusive spouse. But how will we agree outside of court? <p>H thinks his plan is more than generous and he's threatening me not to do anything different!! (Control doesn't stop!) The attorney I consulted with yesterday says H's way is not fair to me considering our circumstances. To a certain extent she is probably right but I don't want her pumping up the greed level either and creating a bigger fight with H than he's already been to me for 15 yrs!! H's attorney and mine agreed that our situation is very complex, unique. So how do I proceed?? I don't trust H. How much to push and shove and where to draw the line for peace?<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

H's attorney and mine say our situation is unique and complex. And to me it is even more complicated with a husband like mine who is SET in how he wants to do things--all his way or nothing! This in itself is unfair.<p>H is fair on splitting accounts and household things, but beyond that, it is questionable. <p>The worst part is that H does not want to give me 1/2 the value of our house, because he thinks letting the kids and I live here for 6 years rent-free (when he could be getting at least $1,400 per mth) is equal. My attorney says I should get both (1/2 the house & live here). ???

Fight for what is right and fair for the kids and yourself. You're right about the controlling behavior not stopping, I've been out since 12/00 and he's STILL trying to control me by using his bad attitude and not doing what he's supposed to be doing.<p>Thankfully, it's IN THE ORDER and I'll be taking him back to court soon to enforce it.<p>Don't count on common sense and common courtesy. Those things go out the window in a divorce, especially so when a controlling spouse is losing their control. Get everything you want spelled out in the order. It's easier to do it now than to go back and change it later. He will threaten and he will stomp his feet. Judges are used to seeing men like this, and hopefully yours will see through it just like mine did. My XH tried to make me look bad in front of the judge, and it backfired.

Thank you for this reply!!...I need all the education I can get right now! Anything you can tell me will be a big help! I spent TOO LONG trying to fix the relationship, that I wasn't researching divorce enough!!

Renae,<p>My marriage was the same as yours. Plenty of abuse to the kids and me. I finally left when it turned physical after 19 yrs. When living with a situation like this, if you are like me, you will do anything to keep him happy and try and not rock the boat. If you do try to work it out of court then that is great. But let your lawyer go to bat for you and tell you what she thinks that you deserve. Always ask for more than you are wanting. This way he might meet in the middle and you do end up getting what you want or need for you and the kids. If he is not willing to give much then you are better off going to court.
I am trying to work things out of court..my lawyer did a good thing I did not even know about. She sent him a court ordered discovery. It is questions that he has to complete about his finances, possessions, and past actions. He is under court order to answer these questions! This will let him know that you are serious about getting on with this divorce.<p>I wish you the best of luck.
ANNE2000 AKA: Alohanui2000

Thanks, Anna! Yeah, I'm concerned about my H being honest about ALL of our assets too. <p>I'm sorry you're going thru this...What is helping you cope these days? I hope you have support of friends and family! <p>I'm so grateful for this board, to know I'm not completely alone in this, and that I do know God's presence in my life. I'm so happy to have a new church that I really like!!...this is a great blessing in the midst of everything!!<p>Coming out of the abusive, isolated, oppressive, non-life I've had, esp. the last few years, is kinda a culture shock, like coming out of a cage and trying to figure out how to LIVE again. I'm not entirely sure that I know how to go on????<p>On the way to the attorney's office yesterday I cried....so many mixed feelings!!!! Leaving the past behind is really hard...letting go, trying to heal, while at the same time trying to envision some kind of future.<p>What I say,think, feel, want, need...finally matters, after 15 years of H cutting me off so much. There is finally new hope, to find creativity and dreams again. <p>Our 14 yr old daughter is so chronically ill, we plan to try new treatment....but if it doesn't help, I could not work full-time, maybe not even part-time. With this going on, how can I plan? The attorney says we could put things on hold until after a few new treatments for D and see what happens. <p>I can get money for job re-training even though I have an old college degree. Not sure what I want to do at this time! Maybe I'll take one of those tests and see what interests come up. My esteem, confidence, concentration, creativity, energy, motivation level would have to heal alot more before I could go back to elem. teaching....I'm just not ready for that yet. Yet I'll need something interesting to rebuild myself.<p>Are you changing your last name back to your maiden name? I think I will.

Hi Renae,<p>I have a couple of threads here that tell my story of late, and I guess I am where you are, except that my papers have not been served officially. My H's attorney has indicated intent, however.<p>The first thing I did was take HIS offer of settlement to a good financial advisor, and to my shock, he came up with a few hidden assets...........to the tune of $50,000 Aust. My formerly above board, loyal, caring, faithful, etc etc STBX had tried to hide money from me. This is the KID'S money, make no mistake, and it is for you, too.<p>Your lawyer/attorney is hired to fight on your behalf, no matter WHAT your stbx wants....they MUST do the best for you, what ever you want. I just got a new lawyer who is going in with the gloves on...........but I TOLD her to. I will not settle this without our entitlements....I do not want MORE than that....but my stbx wants me to accept less, just as yours does.<p>Sure, the easier road is to just say, okay, I will accept his terms....but think about the future. If you have primary custody of the kids, you need a permanent roof over your head, you need to be sure they can have a college education if they want it, they should NOT do without anything they had before the trouble. I will NOT compromise a single dollar over this, because that money, the settlement I will receive, will be for my children. The money we invested was ALWAYS for their future, and I don't see why all of a sudden he is entitled to more of it than his kids are.<p>FIGHT!!!!!!!!! Fight for the kids....but do as I am doing. I am letting the legal guys do the fighting for me, and I am not having any communication with my H about anything. Why? So he can't manipulate me. It is too important to me to provide for my babies....and lordy, how that man could get around me if I let him!!!!!!!<p>
Love and light,<p>Jacky

Ranae,<p>I can understand your not wanting to stir things up more than they already are but remember...that you won't always be as emotionally involved as you are today.<p>When I filed my divorce, I did not request any child support. I had a kid, he took a kid (mine was 8 at the time and his was 16 and working to earn his own money). The deal was that the ex-h was supposed to pay a joint debt in lieu of cs---a few months later he asked me to pay 1/2 and I agreed. His kid moved out on his own 2 years ago and I'm still paying 1/2 the debt.<p>I've had to file for child support now and he had the nerve to file a motion with the court to say I had filed a frivolous suit to harrass him. He doesn't pay anything for our 12 year old daughter (now) and thinks he shouldn't.<p>What I'm saying is: try to think real clear about what your needs are today and what they might be later---kids don't get cheaper--think class rings, proms, school trips--more than just regular room and board. And don't be afraid of him---there are plenty of laws to keep him from harrassing you.<p>Good luck.

Thanks, Nina too & Diddallas.... I just talked to a friend too who is fresh out of the process....and she told me exactly how it works. H's plan that he demands me to operate by is definitely not how things are supposed to work!<p>H came to me this morning, pressuring me to do it his way, not as my attorney says. He urged me to make my attorney hurry along because he's got alot of spring work coming up. He was trying to force me to tell him what my attorney is up to.
He accused me of being "all for the money", going against his family, etc.... GRRR! He got angry and louder...and I left the room, as he would not stop and D could hear! He says he doesn't have to move 'til the divorce is final, but I just am tired of him hanging around and harrassing me!! IF divorces can take months or years to settle, I can't wait til then for him to leave me in peace!
What can be done at this stage to get him out!? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

[<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

well, yeah, he wants it done before the 'spring work'---more money earned means more child support paid.<p>I'd tell him thanks for the legal advice but you'll listen to the guy who has a LICENSE to dispense it. You don't have to play by his rules at all. Take your time and don't be rushed.

newstartj--WOW!!!...what a powerful position!!
You are SO RIGHT!!!.... <p>Yes, Diddallas...<p>The more I've thought of H's position, the more I think...HOW CRUEL OF HIM!!!.. trying to take advantage of me like that!!!....How stupid did he think I was??? It is completely unpure selfishness on his part--looking out for himself!! Then he had the nerve to tell me I was the one not caring about the kids???!!! His proposal is anti-kids! UGH!!!!!.... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Marrying a Controller/abuser is a lie from the beginnning. Control is not love. He led me to believe he was Godly, sacrificially giving, loving, and relationship-minded when all he ever really wanted was someone to dominate, use, and abuse! I just can't comprehend anyone marrying someone for anything less than loving companionship!! He has a very damaged soul.<p>My pastor said, when God said it is not good for man to be alone, he meant lack of intimacy.
Abusers take the sacred covenant of marriage and
destroy it's very God-given purpose! What pain to be trapped with an abuser! I can't help but feel him divorcing me now is God's gracious rescue!<p>Many Christians claim the only grounds for divorce is adultery. I disagree. Jesus said in Matt. 19 it is "hardness of heart". If an adulterer or abuser becomes soft clay in God's hands, he/she can change and the marriage restored; otherwise, God rescues the oppressed.
In my case, God led me to push for growth but H kept refusing...and finally he's filing for divorce.

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

Thank you!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll never forget what a domestic abuse lady told me about my H....that he's the type when you meet him, he's like a shiney red apple and you would not know he's any different until you bite in (marry him) and find it decayed and hollow inside!!... He's truly an empty, troubled soul. <p>The last few days have been a roller coaster, just exhausting!!! I thought I was too strong to hit bottom, but I did last night. Found myself in a puddle of insecurity, frustration, confusion, and desperation. Now...trying to swim back up. UGH!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>On a positive note, I did get the information out of H that was needed, and will call my attorney today and hopefully things can move faster now to an agreement and signing off. God help me!!...I hope this nightmare all ends soon!!!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

I need to vent!....<p>Being in the 15 + yrs abusive marriage is a terribly oppressive, lonely life. Coming out of it, going through divorce, sitting as a single among families at at church, etc ...etc.... is such a lonely feeling! <p>I wish I knew how I will fit in life again.<p>I was pretty much isolated; how will I adjust to the bigger world? <p>I was single-parenting my kids before, so that won't be much different. But how will they adjust? Will they recover? <p>What happens now?? I guess I must heal and grow, and find out.... I'm kinda afraid, though. Will I ever recover from the damage done to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc.??<p>I've been out of the workforce for 16 years--will I survive out there? I feel so damaged by the abuse and neglect; not sure how to rebuild my motivation, creativity, etc. What if I can't concentrate or work hard enough and get fired??<p>I just crave all that I did not have in this marriage (true companionship, emotional nurturing and intimacy, etc)!! <p>A pastor I met with said, in my case, where my spouse was acting like a nonbeliever, I am not bound. I'm not sure that is the way God looks at it. And as long as I'm not convinced, when in doubt--don't, huh? Plus,I've been taught too long against remarriage, that if you separate or divorce, you remain unmarried. But this makes me so sad, that I will never have the marriage I so dream of!!! But anyway,how could I trust after what I've been through. I thought I had a great Christian man, until after the wedding!!...<p>I hear people say that after divorce, you're codependent if you jump toward another relationship; be alone for several years.
Heck!!...I've been alone 15 years in my marriage already! Oh, I'm just tired of all the loneliness!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, Renae,
I wanted to reply to this post. I don't hang out here in D/D board very much, simply because I don't thnk it's a "fun" place!! (big surprise). Too much sadness and hurting. But today, something made me come here, and now i've seen your post.<p>I cannot really give you any advice, per Page 1, but I think you are really in good hands there! I was raised in an abusive home, however, so I know how it feels from the kids' perspective. I would never allow a man to abuse me in any way. My dad was verbally, emotionally AND physically abusive to my mom. He mostly was just cruel (emotional abuse) to me. I vowed I would NEVER take that from any man, and I would have committed MURDER on your H before now!!! Think about the damage inflicted on your children by witnessing this for all these years. <p>My mom was a very weak individual....I believe she always had been, but this sham M didn't help. But, then again, being the predators these abusive men are, they wouldn't seek out STRONG women in the first place, now would they?!?! Your getting stronger is going to help you reach each of these "plateaus" you are to afraid to climb. <p>As far a lonely life, I can only imagine the loneliness, although worse with him gone, it'll also be a comfort, in that you won't have to battle with him all the time. Welcome it, push for it. GET HIM OUT. Then you can think clearly, make clear and good decisions for your (and children's) future.<p>In my mother's case, when she was going through this, there weren't the huge amounts of support there is today....there was church, but nothing much else, like BB's like this. Books, etc. Courts are MUCH more on top of things, not letting (most) dads become DEADBEAT in their responsibilities to their obligations. Heck, this was even before the days of Food Stamps!!! So if we starved for lack of food (from LACK of cs) then, we just STARVED. I've stolen TOILET PAPER just to meet basic needs. Came to eat a LOT of Spam and Mac/cheese. My mom never got the hang of being out in the "working world." But, as I said, she was very weak, and afraid, and never got help getting over it.<p>I think going to a great church and meeting lots of people will be the answer to "adjusting" to the bigger world. There will be people there who will mentor you, lead you along, help you adjust to being a "single, working (if that's your option) mom."<p>As far as how your kids will adjust....I would get them into some kind of therapy, even if it's just a school counselor, or pastor. They need to get this out, work it out. As I told you, TO THIS DAY, I could just KILL any abuser....because the scars are so deep. That can't be healthy. Of course, it DID prevent me and my sister from repeating her mistake!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Will I ever recover from the damage done to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc.??<hr></blockquote>
One of my favorite TV preachers is Joyce Meyer. Find her on cable (sometimes she is on local stations, too) and now I listen to her regularly (I tape it to listen over and over). Her famous quote that she begins every program with is: [/b]"Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt.[/b]" And it's TRUE!!! That (I believe) is how you will recover....THAT is how you will heal. And if you stay close to Him, you will be fine. HE will be your "Husband" and HE will provide for your every need. If He brings you another man, a man to love you the way you were MEANT to be loved, GREAT!!! If not, He will make up for your loss.<p>Renae, hun, there's so much more I want to respond to in your post. I feel SO much for you....it's like looking at my mom going through it all over again (sorry, not that I look at you like a MOM), believe me, I'm probably OLDER than you! I just see her confusion, hurt, worry, etc. and NO ONE was there to help her. There just was no such help available. She went through it ALL ALONE.<p>I would love to continue to e-talk (that's what I call it!!) with you. If you would like to go privately, my e-mail addy is below:<p>mk91(that's a ONE)upo@stato.net
mk91upo@strato.net<p>God Bless,

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Renae:<p>[ ...how will I adjust to the bigger world? <p>Will I ever recover from the damage done to me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc.??<p>...will I survive out there? What if I can't concentrate or work hard enough and get fired??<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Dear Renae,<p> I just LOVE you! <p> What a beautiful SOUL you have!<p> I met you here a short week ago, and your SELF-GIVING LOVE simply GLOWS.<p>__________<p>OF COURSE YOU WILL ADJUST!!!<p>OF COURSE YOU WILL RECOVER!!!<p>OF COURSE YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!<p>________<p>CLOSE your EYES...<p>OPEN your HEART...<p>LIFT up your PALMS...<p>PRAY for three GIFTS from GOD:

1. ADJUSTMENT
2. RECOVERY
3. SURVIVAL<p>GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT HIS GIFTS... <p>NOW, OPEN your EYES and CLASP your PALMS!!...<p>HOW do you FEEL ACCEPTING GOD'S GIFTS???<p>...GRATITUDE?<p>...CONFIDENCE?<p>...SECURITY?<p>...COMFORT?<p>...SRENGTH?<p>All of these feelings?<p>Give GLORY and PRAISE to HIM, for "Nothing is impossible with God!"
__________<p>OK, now GO FOR IT!!<p>ESTABLISH YOUR NEEDS; YOUR GOALS; YOUR PLANS; YOUR STRATEGIES; WRITE them DOWN.<p>Then, EXECUTE and IMPLEMENT your LIFE MASTERPIECE for God's GLORY,...one STEP at a TIME.
__________

THINK of your SELF and your LIFE as UNIQUELY and INFINITELY VALUABLE...<p>From now on...MAKE your ENTIRE LIFE a "SACRIFICE of PRAISE" to your CREATOR...and He DESERVES the BEST you have to OFFER... Don't be STINGY...<p>In your WEAKNESS; GIVE your STRENGTH...<p>In your BROKENESS; GIVE your WHOLENESS...<p>In your UGLINESS; GIVE your BEAUTY... <p>__________<p>Renae, I am 9 months into an ACCELERATED RECOVERY. We are traveling this JOURNEY of HEALING TOGETHER...Let's JOIN our RESOURCES!<p>I'll be praying for you, and all WOMEN of COURAGE.<p>Will you pray for me, too?<p>I have many practical resources, too. Do you? Can we exchange resources? Let's make that's another post. <p>This one is a PEP RALLY!!<p>Go, RENAE, GO!!<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

Renae,
I can see you are really having a tough time right now, but I want to tell you how much your post just encouraged me. I've been posting over on the EN board, but happened to spot this thread. I too married a man who impressed me with his spirituality, who I thought would love me forever......I found out differently on my wedding nite no less. I've stuck it out for 12 years, but now I suspect he is having an affair and I'm out of here. Altho I have a strong religious background which is against divorce, at this point I can't think of anything but getting divorced and dating again! I have had no love and affection for 12 years and I look forward to it! I know that what I have called a "marriage" is not what God intended.....celibacy for 7 years? I think that in itself is a broken vow. No, I won't rush into a new marriage. But I sure am going to have some fun for a change [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]