The other night I posted this with another title,"confused by wife's mixed messages". That was on my first visit to this board. Since, I've noticed that a good number of others out their had their marriages ruined by control/identity issues. So I'm changing the title to see if I can get any more interest. I'll post an update after this.<p>Here goes: <p>On Saturday, 2/23, I sat down to talk to W about improving our marriage. Instaed, I got a laundry list of issues with my anger, controlling, lack of trust, lack of respect for her opinions, etc. Finally, I prompted her on the issue and she told me she wants a divorce. We talked once since then when she said, "we went through this four years ago and you made promises you didn't keep, so if I trust in you again I'm getting set up."<p>We've had some bad times over the last four months. I was angry about not geting my physical needs met and let her know it too many times, so therefore was not meeting her needs either. I do have an awful temper and it reared its ugly head twice in the middle of Feb, but I'm getting counseling and medication to control it.<p>Since last week, I recognized some things. I walked out of the bedroom late one night while she was writing an email. She quickly erased the TO: block and minimized the mail. She said she was writing a letter to a friend and hid it because I'm always accusing her of cheating on me. She also emphasized he was just a friend that she could never develop feelings for. Since then she's on AOL every night for at least two hours. She used to fall asleep on the couch next to me by 11:00, but now stays up every night past midnight (except tonight when she fell alseep on the couch at 10:00 by herself. I checked her records and found her 2 - 3 month behind on four bills that are all in my name. On her cell phone bill, I found a list of 28 text messages to two diferent cell numbers. She's never sent one to me. The first week of FEB, I was out of town on business and after trying to check in on Friday night, was surprised to find out that she went out to a bar with 2 male friends from work. She hasn't gone out with me in months and usually doesn't drink. I wasn't upset then becasue she explained the situation, but now, after all the other signs, I believe it was more than just friends. A lot of this stuff she doesn't know that I know. While all these signs seem obvious, I hold out hope that these are "just friends" who are better fulfilling her needs right now.<p>I believe I can forgive her and want to save our marriage.<p>The first two days after the revelation she still undressed in front of me, returned coutesies, hugged me good bye for work, sent email to me at work and we even had some fun chats. Now she has with drawn. Any conversation is difficult, but we do manage to discuss things about family members, work day, etc. If I call her at work she fills the conversation with contempt. No emails. I'm isolated in my own home. Once our 13-year-old daughter goes to bed, I'm on the chair with the remote or the Bible while she's online. The other night I even played a game of Boggle by myself!<p>I've asked her about counseling, talking with our pastor, etc, to no avail. I'm scared for her becasue she's obviously in crisis.<p>We're both saved Chritians and she would not leave without outside influences.<p>I'm going crazy! I thought about instaling an email monitoring program, hiring a private investigator, videoing her email activity from outside the window, etc. My counselor, 2 pastors, neighbor, 2 friends at work, etc, all say hang in there, she'll come around. I just be consistent in being home and doing chore, then once in a while tell her I love her, etc. I should trust in the Lord to work it out and leave all this worldly stuff alone. Just be nice to her. If she wants to go out, even offer up some cash. I would like to do just that if it would get her back, but, how would that work? like I said I'm worrying all the time about her and the possible lost marriage.<p>Several previous breakups have been like this with me busting my [censored] and her withdrawn.<p>The positive signs: We're still in the same bed, although a foot apart. She hasn't seen a lawyer. She'll still iron my clothes for work. We do chat sporadically. She sometimes calls me in to look at funny emails, websites, etc.<p>I understand the basics of marriage building, but it's impossible when there is no interaction.<p>Many Q's: Can I bust this divorce & if so, how?<p>Can she overcome my abusive actions over the last few months?<p>Should I monitor her since confronting her would only push her farther away? Or do I let it run its course?<p>How do I talk with her about those bills that I wasn't supposed to have seen that are in my name and likely affecting my credit?<p>Can I be sure right now that she's cheating?<p>If I sit back & don't push, do we have a shot?<p>Should I just prepare to leave?<p>Together 16 years, married 2 1/2.
13-year-old daughter<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: I fish ]<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: I fish ]</p>

Johnny,<p>
First off, Welcome, and I&#8217;m sorry that you&#8217;re here. But believe me the people around this site can be a life saver.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Can I bust this divorce & if so, how? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Maybe, realizing that we con only control OURSELVES, you have to work on you flaws. Read up on &#8220;Plan A&#8221; on this site and implement one. A controlling personality is something that is very hard to overcome, complicated in your situation by circumstances. But it is possible, if you want to. I think that one of the biggest things that you will learn through this process is that all the things you do to save your marriage will make you a better person and that is what the real objective is.<p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Can she overcome my abusive actions over the last few months? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Only the Man upstairs knows the answer to that one.<p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Should I monitor her since confronting her would only push her farther away? Or do I let it run its course? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Monitoring her would only be a form of control, right? What would you gain from it? Would it change your mind if you want to stay married?<p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;How do I talk with her about those bills that I wasn't supposed to have seen that are in my name and likely affecting my credit? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Why are you not involved in your finances? Obviously in some manner those bills need to be taken care of. <p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Can I be sure right now that she's cheating? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>No you can&#8217;t. And I&#8217;m quite sure that after hearing your story many people will say that she&#8217;s atleast having an emotion affair if not a physical one. So it goes back to you, what do you want to do? Do you want to find out for sure and if she is then kick her to the curb? I&#8217;m different from most people on this issue because I felt it best not to know. I wanted to be able to make an unclouded judgment. You stated that you would forgive her if she was right? Plus the good book states in no uncertain terms that God will judge adulterers. <p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;If I sit back & don't push, do we have a shot? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>NOPE! If you sit back working on improving yourself meeting her needs when you are allowed then you may have a shot. But even if it doesn&#8217;t work out you are improved. With the anger and control issues you speak of a relationship with anyone is on shaky ground so that needs to be a real focus. Not to mention if you &#8220;accuse&#8221; her many more times about an affair, she&#8217;ll probably get fed up with it and bail.<p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Should I just prepare to leave? &#8220;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Why?<p>To me it&#8217;s really time to shift the focus from her onto yourself. What do you want? Then layout a course of action that will get you to that place. Granted that may not be God&#8217;s will and you may end up on a different path. But the bottom line is it&#8217;s time to work on Johnny.<p>
Best of Luck to ya!

Thanks Bill,<p>Sounds like you've been around awhile and I appreciate your input. I'll leave her business to her and try to find a way to get those bills paid. I'm working on me.<p>I read about plans A & B. In our situation I have some trouble identifying who is betrayed & who is wayward. I feel betrayed because she never discussed any of these issues with me, stating that she's afraid to talk to me, and now she acts as if there's nothing left to discuss. We've had several breakups over the years and she always acts this way. Yet, this is the first time I ever felt that there may be someone else in the picture. It seems like a few of the things she said are just over-blown excuses to get away from me and closer to her emotionally supportive friend(s). Perhaps she's the one betrayed by my anger/control issues, since we agreed to work this all out four years ago. Unfortunately, we jumped back into the relationship with both feet and never did the work necessary to repair the damage and understand how to build a strong marriage with good communication. <p>All I can really go on is the fact that I'm willing to try anything to save our marriage. When I asked her what we might try, she just sat there shrugging and shaking her head saying, I don't know, I Fish, I don't know." I've now seen my M.D. who put me on Zanax and something like Celexa?? I also have an appointment with a psychologist recommended by my M.D. Anyway, my utter anxiety is gone and I can think constructively, but my W refuses to communicate.<p>My mom is in town visiting for a few days. In her presence, my W & I have conversed about a lot of routine things & even had some laughs, but it's very uncomfortable. She was too sick last night so I made dinner, did the dishes, laundry, etc. I'm trying to meet some of those needs, but she's pretty thankless. I just want to keep the communication lines as open as possible.<p>I went to church alone last night. It helps. I didn't talk to him there, but our pastor stopped over afterwards to visit. My W looked at me contemptuously. Rather than risk conflict, I retreated to the laundry pile. Avoidance suffices when nothing else I do seems right. I don't want to give her reason to follow through on the divorce. <p>I read a lot of other posts about control issues. In practice, I'm not near as bad as many others I saw. Right now, I just wish there was something I could do to positively affect things. After 16 years together, we've not a whole lot to talk about. Affection and companionship are obviously out of the question. So' I'll help out all I can around the house, try to help with her apparent financial situation, remain active in my daughter's life, and give the wife as much affirmation as possible while I work through this.<p>Any other ideas??<p>John
Together 16 years, married 2 1/2
Daughter 13 years old<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: I fish ]</p>

&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Sounds like you've been around awhile and I appreciate your input.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Unfortunately, I&#8217;ve been around here for far too long. But let me give you a little background on myself. I was married for 12 years and divorced last year. The first 3 years of my marriage I WAS CONTROLLING. Then I was faced with the decision to change or be single. I chose change and was married 9 more years. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;I read about plans A & B. In our situation I have some trouble identifying who is betrayed & who is wayward.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I think in your situation that is not as important as the steps you&#8217;re going to take to work on yourself. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;I feel betrayed because she never discussed any of these issues with me, stating that she's afraid to talk to me, and now she acts as if there's nothing left to discuss.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>And you have no reason to doubt what she says. You know you can only kick a dog in the head so many times and then eventually it will stop coming around. I mean that her fear of communication with you may have been created from your reaction at the times she did try to speak with you.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;When I asked her what we might try, she just sat there shrugging and shaking her head saying, I don't know, Johnny, I don't know."&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>And that&#8217;s a lot better than getting a &#8220;Hell NO&#8221;, no isn&#8217;t it. Don&#8217;t get me wrong I&#8217;m not laying the blame on either party here. But the fact is you are the one that is here looking for help and I&#8217;m just offering my opinions.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;I'm trying to meet some of those needs, but she's pretty thankless. I just want to keep the communication lines as open as possible.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Then first off, don&#8217;t look for praise at all. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;I read a lot of other posts about control issues. In practice, I'm not near as bad as many others I saw.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Me neither!!!! But then again I wasn&#8217;t the one being controlled or the one at the other end of an angry outburst and neither are you. You are as controlling as your wife perceives you to be, which may be worse than those other posts you saw. I look at friends of ours and see how controlling the husband is and it makes me sick. But what&#8217;s even sicker is that my wife said that I was just as bad. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;So' I'll help out all I can around the house, try to help with her apparent financial situation, remain active in my daughter's life, and give the wife as much affirmation as possible while I work through this.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Exactly! But one thing, make sure that you don&#8217;t smoother your wife at this time. Don&#8217;t try to force discussions about issues. Ask her everyday if she&#8217;s divorcing you and I guarantee that eventually she will say yes. Heck for right now the best thing to do is not to mention the &#8220;D&#8221; word at all or discuss it in any way shape or form. Again you have to realize THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL ON WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE WORKS. That&#8217;s a tough pill to swallow I know but it is reality. Absolutely NO ANGRY OUTBURSTS what so ever. Focus more attention on your daughter because she is the real victim here. Put all relationship talks out of your mind. I know you want to talk about it but I&#8217;m telling you that she will only see that as you controlling her again by making her make a decision. <p>
&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;Any other ideas??&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Why not try a little romance? First off thought, don&#8217;t over do it. An occasional sticky note on the mirror. Invite her out on a date.

Bill,<p>Looked at my screen name & decided it was way too obvious so I changed it.<p>Thanks for your advice. I think I'm tracking. The hardest part is patience. I did a Bible study on the word over my lunch hour. Like I said, I wish there was something I could do to immediately affect the situation. Good things take time. I'm doing what I have to do and putting the rest in God's hands.

My STBX informed me on several occasions I was controlling. I still don't really understand what she meant. I just started finding articles on the subject.<p>I read in a Divorce Busting book your relationship is typical. Your communication drifts apart. She tries to tell you things but you do not hear. Her emotional needs are not being met so she does not meet your needs too. Then you try to fix things and get frustrated and start to yell. Yelling is an expression of frustration. She withdraws even further because you are yelling.<p>It is a bad cycle. You need to break free of being controlling and yelling. My suggestion is go take a nightly walk. Go to the gym. Go see a psychiatrist and get some drugs/counseling.<p>I didn't really hear my wife which is typical according to what I have read. But she could've emailed me or written me if she wanted. Then she got fed up and ran away.<p>You must hear what she is telling you or you will end up like me heading into divorce. Take some action now and just walk away for awhile and HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

Hi,<p>Go to www.divorcebusting.com
also listen to what the others have written to you. You've been given some very good advice.<p>Blessings,
s

First, let me say I am feeling your pain and frustration. My situation is similar. <p>D-Day was 6-1/2 months ago. My W woke up one morning and decided that she wanted out of our marriage. She redefined "Customer Service" while working at my business. After discovery, she became the most arrogant, self ritious, cold & distant, self centered person I have ever met. I begged her not to leave me, she assured me she would not, but I now know, although she has not yet filed for D, she has every intention of filing. I'm now certain that she decided to leave me a long time ago.
She blames me for our problems while insisting that her indescretion meant nothing in the big picture and I should get over it and forget about the past. With her very next breath, she went on to explain that there was little hope for reconciliation because I had treated her so poorly for the last 25 years with my controlling behavior.
She gave me 6 months to "change" into something different, and at the stroke of six months announced that I have not changed and therefore, she was going to file.
One morning, I finally realized that her mind was made up and no matter what I do, she wants out.
As I began to force myself to accept this, my hurt and suffering began to diminish slightly.
We live in opposite ends of the house, and she avoids contact with me. So here I sit, waiting for the most important person in my life walk out of my life. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>D-Day 8/21/01
M-8/5/79
Me - BS - 44
WW - 43
Known her since 1974
D - 14
S - 12

I Fish, I'm the cheerleader standing on the sideline, applauding you for the position you have chosen---that you are acknowledging your control and the damage it has done, and trying to bring change, healing, restoration. If my stbxH were on this board repenting and saying "I want to grow, I want to love my wife", as you are, I'd be ecstatic!!!...<p>Instead my H has chosen the opposite dark sick path of denying his problem self-righteously, re-writing our history to suit the deception he wants to believe, refusing to be taught by others (counselors, pastor, books, etc) and last week I got the Summons moving toward divorce. He thinks he's going the right way!!! Even in the divorce, he's trying to control me and the legal system. <p>HURRAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!
God bless you and bring you and your W into HIS plan for loving relationship!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh, BTW, keep reading that ultimate LOVE BOOK, the Bible!... As we look at God, we see that real love is not about control; real love is letting the other person breathe, live, choose, grow ...while we affirm them every step of their way. <p>We can "do all things through Christ who strengthens us"...even overcome controlling and rebuild a marital bond !!<p>I have come to also admire, J. Keith Miller, a former Controller, who speaks publicly and has written a book Compelled to Control. <p>You might also benefit from hearing the messages online by David T. Moore on Codependency, The Compulsion to Control. www.mooreonlife.com <p>Keep growing!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I just wanted to add that you may also want to look at theinfo. about EAs or read (SAA) Surviving an Affair because if your W really is having an emotinal affair with someone then really anything you do may be interpreted by her poorly. <p>She will even rewrite the history of your marriage to give her justificaiton for her actions. <p>Plan A is a great way to go because even if she is in denial about the state of your marriage, if you actively work on taking out the LBs and work on meeting her ENs and show a consistent change for 6 mos. or so, then she will notice and then if she still chooses to leave then you can say that you did all you could to save the marriage and that W cannot really blame you for her departure. (Well she can blame you, but inside she'll know the truth).<p>It's a rollercoaster ride for sure, but for a very worthwhile cause.<p>K

Hello friends.<p>First, I want to thank you for all of your good advice. I've been applying it well with extremely mixed results. Let me give you an update.<p>My last post was March 7th, a week ago. I'm much stronger now that the meds are working. I have my first appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. I have some apprehension that he will just have me talk through the issues without giving any advice, but that's why I speak with my pastor daily, read the Bible and will continue posting here. <p>Last Friday, my W was still sick and stayed home from work I brought home flowers and a funny card which gave her a lift and a laugh. I made supper, did the dishes, some laundry and rented two movies for her to watch.<p>She came to church on Sunday, but made sure our daughter and her friend sat between us in the pew. That was OK, but the pastor preached a real solid message that should have had some affect on her, yet she was ignoring it and looking all around the church & reading Revelations instead of the verses he preached on.<p>Sunday afternoon we took our daughter to the park and had lunch. Then they dropped me off at home and went to a meeting about my daughter's dance recital. I really wanted to go to, but my W insisted I didn't need to be there then my daughter chimed in with "It's just moms & daughters anyway." So I gave her some space and stayed home. She called me 3 1/2 hours later to explain that they went shopping and she did not want me to think they got lost or something. I was thinking that call was a real positive sign. <p>Monday, I left a sticky note on the mirror for her that had a smiley face and read, "Good morning to my special friend. I wish you a wonderful day." She threw it away, but later, when I asked, she said she guessed it really didn't bother her. <p>That night I returned the movies and rented another. After dinner, my daughter said that my W had promised that I would take her shopping. I said I would rather do it Tuesday night after practice. W said, "I just thought it was something you two could do together." So, I gave in and my daughter and I had a great time. I came home with a bag of Hershey's kisses and tossed them to my W saying, 'Dinner was so good we wanted to shower you with kisses." She laughed & dug right in. <p>Tuesday, W had to work late so I took daughter to practice. Afterwards, W & I watched a movie together. During the preview we chatted about her job and I was relieved to find out who one of those phone numbers I mentioned in one of my earlier posts belongs to. Still one unaccounted for. Through the movie we were laughing and talking all the way. I thought we were making progress.<p>She was late again last night, so I started dinner because we were going to church. W came home, put her handbag on the table and went to the bathroom. Her cell phone rang and our daughter grabbed it out of her purse, answered and took it to W. My daughter didn't notice, but a little card like the kind that comes with flowers fell out of the cell phone case. It read in black ink, "I'll sure miss talking to you. Surprised? Call it an early Valentines gift. You'll alwas be my special lady. I'm your S.M. forever" I don't know what S.M. means. On the bottom in blue ink was 2-4-02 in my wife's hand writing. I put it back in the cell phone case then noticed an application for a local apartment sticking out of her purse where the cell phone had been. This all shook me a bit. I don't know what to do, but I'm driving on.<p>We went to church. W was obviously exhausted from work. She also has done nothing but toss & turn every night since she said she wants a divorce. She teaches 3 - 4 year olds at church. After service I went to the classromm and asked if I could help in any way. She said I could pick up the crackers the kids had dropped on the floor. I did. Then she handed me a jug of water and a half-filled cup and asked me to dump them. I did then helped her straighten all the chairs. We chatted most of the way home, but things took a turn for the worse.<p>At home she became ice cold. Whenever I spoke I got a grunt or a one-word answer. I put a load in the clothes washer and she started the dishes. I set up the ironong board and began ironing my clothes for today. I asked her to swap chores because I'm no good at ironing and she said, "You'll get better with practice." Then I said the dishes take longer & she said that was OK.<p>I called my brother at 10:00 and she fell asleep on the couch. I sat down to watch the news and fell asleep. She woke me at 1:00 am, sternly saying, "John, are you ready for bed." We brushed our teeth and climed into bed. I spoke to her a couple of times but she didn't answer. Then I said, Sweet dreams." And she said, Huh? I asked if she was asleep already and she responded nastily, "Yes, I'm asleep already."<p>This morning she wouldn't even acknowledge me. Before I left for work I stepped in the bathromm & said I was leaving. She said OK. I stood there for a moment watching her do her makeup and she said, "Have a nice day." I then may have made a mistake. <p>I asked her if there was a reason she was suddenly so cold. One minute we're talkibg fine & the next she bacame rude. She said not particularly. I have to go away for the weekend, so I asked if she would still be here when I returned. She paused before saying yes. Then I told her, "I know you're angry with me and the way I've behaved. I'm a Christian man and I turned my back on the Lord for a time and hurt my family. Now I'm living for Him and focussing on my family. All I want to do is be able to talk to you." I could see her eye begining to water, so I said I was sorry and backed off saying, "have a nice day." <p>I called my pastor who said, "Praise the Lord for this sign that her heart is not as hard as you thought. I honestly don't know what to think. <p>Am I going to come home one night and find out she's moved?<p>Everything looked so positive, but she's applying to move into an apartment. What's with the mixed messages?<p>Am I doing the right things? Pushing too hard? Expecting too much? I read on Dr. Dobson's website that I should do nothing for her and I'm doing the opposite. My pastor says to be consistent and keep doing what I'm doing. I'm confused! <p>I also have a real desire to ask her about the possible affair. Is it just an internet thing or does this guy live local. I think I have a right to know, but I'm sure she would deny it again.<p>How can I prepare for her to leave? Should I fight for her to stay? Everything I read say once a spouse leaves there is only a 1 in 4 chance to reconcile. What should I allow her to take? What if she does it without telling me and just cleans the place out?<p>I do know that she at least made a partial payment on the bills she owes. Of course, when I asked she said they were never behind.<p>I'm also now reading "Divorce Busting".<p>Anyway, I'm feeling stuck, like my plan is not working. Please give me your opinions.<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: I fish ]<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: I fish ]</p>

Today I finally got to meet with a therapist. He seems like a great guy & I think we'll have a good relationship. He recommended some books to help me learn how to give true love without controlling. The goals:
1. learn how to love & give love without expectations of return
2. Learn how to be a more loveable person
3. Once I improve me, see if everything else falls into place.
4. If the opportunity presents itself in the near term, tell wife, "I know you think I've made some empty promises in the past and I probably have. But I want you to know that I'm working on becoming the best person I can be. I want to be able to feel loveable and to give love like I've never loved before. I'm hopeful that you'll be able to see the fruits of my labor. Maybe some of it will rub off and you'll see that our marriage still has a chance, maybe not. But no matter what, for the rest of my life I'm going to be a better person because of the work I'm doing right now."<p>
I think this is risky and could push her farther away, but he assures me it will plant a seed and give her something to look for. He also said he has no idea if we can save our marriage, but since we've had several breakups like this over the years, history is on our side.<p>Now I have to go away for the weekend to work on our property in another state. As much as I want to spend every waking moment making sure W & daughter are home, safe, etc., I have to give her the space to make her own decisions. <p>Please render your points-of-view this post and the longer one before it as you see fit.

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.<p>I have found out that every time I promised something it didn't help our relationship. Don't promise her anything. Just be a better person. She will notice your actions more than your words now.<p>You will have to learn to start communicating all over again. Buy the relationship rescue book today and start working on yourself.

Which book are you referring to? I've bought all sorts of books, some designed to stop divorce,but they seem geared to marriages that are still in conflict, before D-Day. My W is in withdrawal and I don't see how I can make their techniques work when she won't hardly speak to me and never even looks at me. I'm just trying to be a nice guy around the house, help out with her household chores as much as possible, get more involved with my daughter, and hope, at some point, my W will discuss the issues instead of giving me the laundry list of faults and calling it quits. <p>I just read a lot...Bible, relatioships, psychology....and pray that the good Lord will soften her heart (yet, she gets harder by the day).<p>As much as I need to discuss things, everyone says just wait her out and she'll see the difference in you & come around. I have to admit, that's a hard plan for a man like me who is used to taking action. I'm also not so optimistic that it will work. Every other breakup took several conversations to explore what had happened & how we need to change things. Seems like everyone's just telling me what I want to hear, so that I'll stay calm. Meanwhile, she's applying to move into an apartment and has discussed nothing with me. I really just wish we could talk. We've always had communication problem. She holds her tongue about any disatisfaction, hoping it will go away, until it all builds up and she pops. Then she just call it quits. I vent loudly, weekly, but I never meant that to hurt her. What a lousey situation. I'm working on me.....that's all I have to work on anyway.