I found out the other day that my xh (D was final January of this year)is going to be getting married this summer from a letter he sent me. When I read it I literally felt like the breath was knocked out of me. We have two young boys (6 & 2). They were the first thing I thought about. I haven't talked to my xh since I found out except to allow the children to talk to him on the phone. I have allowed my xh to pull information from me and to let him spill out his problems, etc. but not anymore. I have finally realized that the personal level that we still have has to be broken off and I am doing that right now. I can talk to him about the children but I will stop any conversation that goes past them. I am tired of being hurt and I am tired of allowing him to hurt me. That much I have learned from all of this. <p>This is my first day back at work this week. Finding out about my xh getting married literally made me sick. I had to rest and get my strength back, with the help of my parents, to be able to deal with this. I feel like I am back where I started when he walked out on his family. Somehow though I feel like I am bouncing back a little bit. Of course, the woman he is going to marry is the woman he left his family for. I hate this, my children don't understand anything. They are still trying to cope with divorce and now this. It makes me sick. I know that I am happy it isn't me marrying him. She can have him.............I hope she gets everything he gave to me. I know most marriages of this nature fail and I can't help but want that to happen to theirs. I know it is wrong. A part of me wants them to feel the pain I am feeling and to discover all the hurt they have caused everyone. I am sure this is probably my anger coming out.<p>I am going to be watching my children very closely to make sure that they are alright. If I see any signs or anything that makes me uneasy or scared I am going to start them in counseling, actually the oldest one first. Right now they seem to be okay. There has been a little bit of acting out but nothing that can't be handled.<p>Me, well, today is Thursday and I can honestly say that I am doing really good today than I was Monday. I am trying to be strong for me and my children. This man is out of my life, I know that it is for the best, but I still can't help but feel hurt, used, replaced, kicked aside......When he walked out he tore a hole in my heart that has slowly been healing but when he told me he was getting married he preceeded to rip my heart out. I am working today but I feel numb all over. I have cried my eyes out till I couldn't cry anymore. <p>Has anyone else been through this? How are you doing now, your children? I need to know that there is something better down the road, that things will get easier, the pain will die down.<p>I am really rambling. I don't feel like I am all here.<p>Any and all support is very much appreciated.<p>Kathy

Just wanted you to know someone is 'listening' ...<p>Counseling can help with the kids, esp the six year old. They have so many questions that we don't know how to answer properly ... <p>Focus on yourself and your kids a little more and your xh and his future bride a little less ... try not to have vindictive or vengeful thoughts as they will drag YOU down ... hard as it is for me some days, when I dislike my xh the most, I just pray for him. (When I'd really rather curse him.)<p>Maybe look up some of the forgiveness threads here ... it gives you a new perspective. Don't let anything about him/them make you sick anymore, don't give him that much power over you. You can do it. It gets easier, slowly.<p>(((hugs)))<p>PB

You are better off without him.
It sounds like you get the kids full time and perhaps even the home.
My wife had the affair and she is contining to kill me each day. She will not leave me and she will not commit to working 100% on our marriage.
She stays in the house and it hurts every day.
With your husband gone and your kids at your side, you can at least try to forget about the jerk. Life is short. Do you really want to spend it thinking about a jerk? Of course not. But how to stop thinking about it? Well, it helps with him not in the house.
Show your children lots of love. They will need a good role model or they will turn out like your X.
You are stronger than him. Even if you both had problems before the affair, he is the weak one who betrayed you as a fix to his problems. You never did that. Remember that strength. Pray daily. That helps me more than anything else.

Well, the bomb has dropped and he is getting married. He is such a fool. There is no way that marriage is going to last. You are hurting right now, but you will be the stronger one. Take care of yourself and kids. I am a believer in what goes around, comes around. Don't be there for him emotionally. He has made his choice (a bad one) and now will have to stand up on his own two feet. (actually, he sounds co-dependent because he couldn't even be by himself long enough to sort out his life....jumping right into what sounds like a mistake if statistics are true). You are going to do better than he will. I've learned that women never do worse. You will be OK and he will be crying after you like they all eventually do. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!! I am thinking of you and we are all here for you.

((((Kathy))))<p>With time it does get easier. I haven't had to face quite what you're facing but after a year my xW's relaionship with the OM has finally came out into the open. She makes it a point to tell me sometimes that she won't be home in the morning so that I know she's spending the night with him.<p>The first time she said it "IT HURT". But as time goes by it gets easier. I'm sure that very soon I'll here the same words you heard but I think I'll do OK.<p>As the Princess said above "Pray for him". Hell, pray that he and she have a wonderful life together. Afterall, won't that help the boys?<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hi Kathy,
Yes I have been through what you are going through. My exH married the OW one month after our divorce was final. Our, then 11 yr old daughter, was in their wedding and all of his family was there to support him. It really hurt and at times it still does hurt. I basically have no relation with my ex. We only communicate through email. My daughter is old enough that she has her own relationship with her dad independent of me.<p>Forgiveness is the key word. I am turning over my hurt and anger towards my ex over to God. I pray for him (he has lots of issues) and I pray for his new wife that he does not do to her what he did to me. <p>I am coming to terms with what I did wrong in the marriage but realize that he made the choice to betray me. He made the choice not to even try to go to counseling with me or even try to work on our marriage. A marriage cannot survive if only one person in the relationship is willing to work on it.<p>I have no control over him now. I am just so grateful for my time with my daughter (I have her 80% of the time) and the blessings that I do have in my life.<p>A year ago I obsessed over how long this new marriage would last. Now I rarely think about it. It is yet another thing that is out of my control.<p>On the lighter side, I do pray that my exH stays employed - he pays me a nice amount of spousal support and child support since he is very well paid.<p>If you want to email me I am at idahodianmom@hotmail.com
Pat

I was just going to write what Pat did, almost word for word!<p>My ex H married OW (one of my best friends) DAYS after our divorce was final. And that was just a month after our final separation! I took it very hard. But now, I see it as a blessing. First of all, it takes out that small element of "what if." What if he wants to reconcile, what if he feels too bad about the kids, what if, what if, what if. So for me, I see that as very positive. It means finally, no more relationship roller coaster. And look who they got - each other! Immoral, lying, cheating, selfish people. Yes, they probably have a few good points, but those are the ones that dominate. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've come to a point in my life where I am no longer bitter about it. I don't let it take up space in my mind. What's done is done, and I feel I've been able to forgive. Do I hope they have a wonderful marriage? Nope - I guess I'm not a saint! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Will I pray they have a great marriage? Nope. But I'm learning that what I want is what is best for my children and whatever includes stability for them. Part of me of course wants him to realize what a gigantic mistake he has made, but none of me wants him back. <p>You will make it, and it will just become another thing you can't change. I only concentrate on things I can change, like my attitude and reactions to things. This is hard, but it too will pass, and you will just become stronger. <p>I'm thinking of you,<p>Krista

One more thing -<p>I've been taking my children to a Christian counselor twice a month. My oldest is 4.5, and it really helps her to get her feelings out. It helps me to know how to answer her questions, and it gives her a safe place to talk. The 2.5 year old soaks in some of it too. I highly recommend it. The counselor is then able to help all of us, including me, by seeing us together. My ex's insurance covers 15 visits a year, and I just have to pay a $15 copay. I get help on discipline issues and how to be a good single parent as well.<p>WhoamInow

(((Kathy)))<p>i know exactly how you feel hearing that news. I heard the same thing 2/11/02... yes, exh and ow are getting married..... his family blesses this relationship....<p>I know the feeling of being replaced... it is heart breaking.....<p>Know what??? WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT !!!<p>You've been given some great feedback.... ones that I'll have to read again and again....<p>keep your chin up.... remember the relationship started off on lies,cheating, stealing and selfishness.......not to forget they have NO morals, intregrity and values........<p>There is one thing you need to remember... the one thing she does know about him....
He doesn't honor his wedding vows !!!<p>Ok.... I need to stop venting.....<p>Blessings,<p>s

Thank you all for your replies. I have been coming back to this board all day long to read any posts that were written. It gives me strength to know that others are going through the same thing or have already gone through it. I have been taking life one day at a time, praying for the strength to get through each and every day. It is a wonderful feeling to have all of this support.<p>Thank you again,
Kathy

Kathy,<p>Add me to the list of BS's whose exH got married within a couple months of the D. Yep, happened to me, too.<p>As many others have said - in time you will accept. In one sense, WhoamInow is right - it takes away that element of potential reconciliation. At least you get to avoid the pull that so many ex's still try on folks here.<p>Praying for forgiveness, as PB suggested is truly a great thing to do. I was not able to release it all until I began to pray for my ex and his wife. I was able to truly let go after that.<p>Life goes on - sad, but true. God will breing peace and happiness into your life once more. Keep praying for both of these things. Another door will open to you later, when the time is right and you are ready.<p>God bless you and your children. Desiree

I don't see how it makes any difference re potential reconciliation - it is not like you have reason to believe that the guy gives a d*** about "till death do you part."<p>My H supposedly married the OW some number of months after the divorce was final - who knows when, because he didn't bother to tell the kids until afterward, and then dropped them off at home sobbing their hearts out without making any attempt to comfort them. <p>And no, it doesn't really get any easier. In many cases, the effects on the children do not show up until years later, when they are beginning relationships themselves. <p>And I certainly can't imagine why anyone would wish that their relationship lasts, because why would you want demonstrated to your children that an invalid relationship with roots in deceit could last; why would you want demonstrated that the way to get what you want is to take it, regardless of the effects on other people - even though it may be true that that is the way to get what you want, I don't really want that to be one of my children's core beliefs. Far better for the children to see such a relationship ending badly.

It just amazes me to hear that people get married so soon after their divorce. What are these people thinking? <p>Kathy -
How long could he have known this person? If she isn't the one he left for, then she's new so MAN is he gonna suffer. How could he even know her? <p>Elizabeth

OK....<p>I see praying for forgiveness..... because it will release the poison in us....<p>
One thing I learned is ... you don't have to tell them you've forgiven them....You're not saying what they did is right, but you will not let them/him control your emotions any longer....<p>But.................<p>I can't even begin to think of praying for them..<p>I know I'm not there yet.... <p>probably better keep going to therapy and group !!<p>s

justthewife-<p>Well, so far I found out that he has known this other woman since January of last year. I really have no idea when things started to get serious with them. My ex keeps telling me that nothing happened while we were together. But......he only thinks this has to do with sex, nothing else. He did commit adultery though, he believes that because he moved out, we were no longer married, he even said he didn't feel that were married anymore and he could do whatever he wanted. I don't know much of anything about their relationship or friendship or whatever they want to call it. All I know is that he confided in her all of his problems and our problems, really bad move. He keeps saying that it was the marriage that failed and had nothing to do with the ow but he walked out and ran to her and a month later started "dating" her. I am not stupid and I know better than to feed his thoughts and allow him to not feel guilty.<p>Kathy<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: AbandonedMom ]</p>