I guess the best way to discribe how I am dealing with my situation is that there is so much pain that I am going numb.
My H is in love with OW who is my best friend who is also living with me because she is getting a divorce from her H. But neither her nor her husband have filed for a divorce and neither has mine and I was told that he isn't going to file until 2004 when he retires. So I guess I should be greatful to him for the warning. He calls and e-mails her daily and doesn't say anything to me. When I do e-mail him and tell him my feelings I am considered throwing a tantrum and trying to make him feel guilty that is what he said. He said if I make another remark out of lines that he will stop talking to me all together.
I hurt so bad when I can hear his voice on the phone talking to her that I want to scream and cry. But neither of them see how it makes me feel expect that I was told to stop acting like a wouded puppy. So I guess I am not suppose to have feelings and I am suppose to turn off the feelings that I have for my H after being married to him for 17 years and in love with him for 20 years. He has already told the kids that he and I aren't together anymore and that he loves my BF. He has told that to one of her 3 children the youngest would go blabbing it to his dad so they aren't telling him and the oldest doesn't live with us.I love her kids as if they were my own and she feels the same about my kids. At least when my H and I do get a divorce if the too of them are still together and get married at least I will know the kids involved will all get along and be use to my rules and her rules. They are basically the same rules anyway.
But I am in so much pain right now all I want to do it cry 24/7 and I can't because I don't have any privacy and I can't talk to my BF like I use to about how I am feeling because I am afraid that she will go back to H and tell him that I am whinning or something. I am probably wrong about that but do I take that chance.
I do have a few friends that I have been talking to but non of them are local so I can't get of the house with them and chat and cry on there shoulder or just use them as a sounding board and get hugs from them.
My H has told me one of the other reasons he is leaving is because of my depression and that he can't take it anymore and he would be there as a friend to help me through it but what he is doing is adding more depression to me.
I am seeing a therapist and am on meds to help me get out of my depression. The therapist is saying that I am making progress in the 5 weeks that I have seen her, but I don't see it. I feel like I am just here I am not suppose to have feelings and I am suppose to cater to everyone else and that is exactly what I have been doing all my life. Pleasing everyone and putting myself on the back burner because I don't know how to put myself first.
Well I guess writing on this message board is putting myself first because I need to know that I am not the only one else out there that feels this way or that it is ok to have these pains and anger and want to cry.
Well I need to go off to work and put that fake smile on my face and be as cheerful as I can.
Please help if anyone can. Please!!!!!!!!!
Angelneedinghugs

Angel --
Get that woman out of YOUR house.
This is unbelievable.<p>Everyone is showing an incredible amount of disrespect for you. Stand up for yourself.<p>There is no way in HELL that WOMAN should be living in YOUR house and carrying on with YOUR husband. OMG.

I agree w/ Lexxy.<p>However the man in me says "Bust his @ss" Get a lawyer, and take have of his retirement, half the house, all of the kids, then stop calling the OW your Best Friend.<p>Tex. <p>UnFreakinBelievable.. I thought I had heard it all, butthis one takes the cake.

I agree with the others...<p>Get a lawyer, kick him out and change the locks...<p>Throw her and her crap out the door and for heaven sakes........ stop calling her your "bestfriend" Next, he'll be telling you that he wants to be your "friend"<p>Shame on them....<p>s

I haven't been told this directly but I got it from the tone the my H used with me in Janruary that if I started anything to get my BF upset and ask or tell her to move out that I would be the one told to move out. Besides that I can't throw someone out on the strees with no place to live and had kids. H has told me that this house is my house. But I just have this feeling if I started something major it would slap me in the face.
We are renting this place and my name is on the lease and all but my H would tell me to move. I am not able to financially or emotionally able to do that right now.
My H did say that he wants to stay friends through all this and that he would do everything he can to support me emotionally as well as finanually but so far he has only helped with the money and as a matter of fact she is on the account and is taking care of all the bills because H says he can't do it because he already messed up our credit and doesn't feel that I can handle it in my depression state. So she is taking care of all the bills. She does work and so do I. What I know I need to do it start putting money away in my checking account but haven't done so yet.
If anyone would like to e-mail me I have started a seperate account from my regular one so that no one else can read it. The e-mail address is Angelneedinghugs@yahoo.com
I would love to meet new people and make a new friend or two especially through these really hard times.<p>ANgelneedinghugs

Angel -- this situation is unbearable.<p>No one in their right mind would expect you to live in a situation like this.<p>I STRONGLY suggest that you see an attorney. If nothing else, get a temporary support hearing. That way its handled through the court on what he has to pay for your support rather than left in his hands.<p>Plus the fact that he moved out and left you with the kids works in your favor. He has to support the kids. <p>Who cares about what he or she want?????? Get that woman out of your HOME. <p>What does your therapist say about this situation?
I appreciate your kindness in not wanting to throw anyone in the street -- but my GOD this woman is stealing your husband...stand up for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!

angel, knowledge is power, you need to contact a good divorce attorney (not just any attorney) and get educated...that does not mean you have to do anything, just ged educated to what your options are...ok?<p>That will make you feel a little better too, cause you are doing something to help yourself. Try to keep in mind the outraged responses here are cause this is not healthy for you. This kind of disrespect is stressful, and affects your mental and emotional health, which then impacts your physical health.... You may not have any friends, but there are probably womens shelters who can listen, as well as support groups maybe through churches etc... be proactive, there are things you can do. Also watch your health, eat right and exercise (try walking, can use the time to think straight too, away from it all).<p>Try to somehow squirrel away some money in a safe place, but remember in crisis is ok to ask friends and relatives for support...since you rent, don't have the issue of selling a house...also how old are your kids? Can they do some work and contribute to rent? You can leave the house, your H can pay the rent...you can get some kind of a job too etc, don't feel trapped by money....also the divorce lawyer should be able to get you a support order.<p>There are THINGS you can do (including coming here and continuing to post)...but no one can help you if you do not help yourself, that is first job, decideing to help yourself...you are a good woman, and do not deserve this, and it is ok to think that and take action. This is NOT ok, it is not how people live, even if your H was going to divorce, this is NOT how you go about it if you are a caring supportive person, do not believe anything he says, he is not concerned about you. Good luck.

Angel- THis is horrible... I suggest you look up a women's support center in your town... you may find this in the phone book or if you call information... you can get free counseling for women that are being abused... have your told your counselor... you are being abused... your "friend" and your h need to wake up and quit taking advantage of you... and you can take action to wake them up.<p>you can also get a "free" attorney through the help of pro bono agencies that often work with abused women
s centers... please find one... <p>You are being psychologically abused, no wonder you are depressed.<p>I am sorry, and will say a prayer for you... take action. <p>HONEY

I agree with the others. She is NO friend, and is using you big time. If she has time to chat with your husband, she has time to get a job and her own place. I'm sure this won't last as they both sound incredibly selfish. My H's affair with my FORMER best friend was indeed the most hurtful thing ever. Although she had the nerve to be with him in MY BED she never lived here. You need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, everyone will respect you more if you do. Including yourself. I'm sorry for your pain.

YOU CAN DO IT!<p> Like everyone else who has posted I am very frightened by your situation. It is essential that you become proactive in this mess. If you are having trouble doing this for yourself, then do it for your children. This sounds like an incredibly unhealthy siuation for your kids and they can't help but suffer from the unhappiness and tension your H's HORRIBLE behavior has created. I think now is the time to enlist any and all help you can find. Can your mother or a sister or other friend come down and stay with you for awhile? See an attorney, make a plan and get somebody to come help you implement it . You are NOT as helpless as you feel. I bet once you take some action, you will find a strength that you never believed you had.

Angelneedinghugs
There is so much in your story I am just gonna jump in: You and HER DO NOT HAVE THE same rules. Or at least you shouldn't. Your rules should say it is NOT ok for them to be doing this to you but your actions are saying it is ok. <p>She is no longer your BF - so no don't go talk to her about anything. <p>
If you feel like you are just there and you are not suppose to have feelings and you are suppose to cater to everyone else and that is exactly what you are doing. PLEASE STOP THIS. It is not healthy for you or your kids. <p>Don't allow your H or BF to bully you around. You have a voice, you have rights. You are not throwing her and her kids out on the streets with no place to live. HER ACTIONS ARE WHAT PUT HER AND HER KIDS OUT ON THE STREET. If your name is on the lease. Kick them all out, your H,your XBF and her kids. <p>Your H is NOT your friend, the way he is treating you are not the way friends treat each other. <p>I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE IN THIS PAIN AND CONFUSION. PLEASE, stand up for yourself. Do you believe in God? He WILL help you.<p>Please for your sanity, put a stop to this!<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

is her name on both you and your Husbands account? if so, wait until paydday and withdraw every bit of it, you are not stealing. They are, they are stealing your life, your sanity, your kids sanity. You need to take care of you because no one else is going to at this point.

Her name is on my H's and mine joint account. She is not on my account he is but I will have him removed when I start putting money in the account.<p>She does have a job. She does contribute to the bills.
I also have a job. I also contribute to the bills.<p>Most of the kids know about the situation, the reason why she moved in was to get away from her H and oldest son who were verbally abusive and it was my idea to move her in here not hers. I also wasn't expecting our relationship to be like this. It started as a three way relationship and I got pushed out of it. <p>No I don't have anyone who can come stay with me and I do have wonderful support from my Mother in law and a few close friends even if they are in another state Thank God for the internet because it has been so much easier to talk to them and cheeper. <p>MY therapist is trying to help me deal with the situation the best way I can. My therapist has mentioned something about a form of abuse and was wondering if the court of law would see it that way and I said I had no clue. I see her once a week and she has helped me some. <p>I know no one can help me until I help myself and I am trying to build the stregnth to do that but everytime I have a little and use it, it gets slapped in my face and I get weak again. So with Gods help an my therapist hopefully one day I can stand up for myself and not back down.<p>My H didn't move out because he wanted to he had to go to his next duty station and we thought it would be best for the kids and I to stay here since we only had 2 1/2 years left of his military career left and we are planning on retiring here. The kids are doing great in the schools that they are in and have good friends and we belong to a wonderful Church. Yes I believe in God and have prayed to him through out all of this for his help and strenghth to get through this. I haven't looked into lawyers yet because until he makes his 20 years in the service I can't get medical once the divorce is final and I am holding out for medical for me.
MY H says he isn't going to file for a divorce until 2004 so I have some time to get some money saved up and heal myself some before I have to be on my own. My kids are 16/b and 13/g and her kids are 15/b who doesn't live with us, 13/g and 10/b and they do live with us. <p>Please don't be mad at me I am still confused and trying to sort all of this out and figure out what to do. I know that even if things don't work out with my BF and my H and I know I won't take him back. All of this has come out since Janurary so I am still in some shock of all this happening.<p>I will keep posting here because I have been finding your advice very helpful and supportive to what my therapist is also telling me. But also because this is the only way I can tell my story right now and vent without being caught and getting yelled at by my H.<p>Thank you everyone for your posts and please keep them coming I am reading everyone of them and trying to soak in all the advice. When I am ready I will use what I can and pass on the rest to someone else who might find themselves in my shoes. <p>I always put everyone else before me and I have I don't know how to want to please everyone. The only one I haven't learned how to please yet is myself. Wow that is hard to say and too look at. I need to remember to tell my therapist that I wrote that down.<p>Need to go to work my ride should be here soon since I don't have a vehicle anymore since my H didn't make payments on it for 4 months and never called them to get is settled. We have some money stored away for a car but its not enough yet so I still have to wait a few more months I think. I hope not too much longer because I really miss being able to go places on my own. <p>Chat later
Hugs to all
Angelneedinghugs

You need to read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson IMMEDIATELY.<p>You are participating in a harem. Is that what you want for yourself and your children?<p>You need to call on ALL of your support systems, your family, your church, and any and all community services you can. Your children NEED you, and they need you to be strong.<p>If this was happening to your sister, your daughter, or your mother, what would you advise her to do? Are you not worthy of the same protection they are?<p>Even if you have to leave that house yourself to escape, get out of there. Get your children out of there.<p>In your place, I would get a job wherever my strongest family support was and move myself and my children there post haste. Then, I'd let them help me sort out all the legal and financial stuff. I can't imagine any judge holding you accountable for that lease under these circumstances. It's called mental duress and cruelty. Don't know what state you're in, but I can't even imagine the no-fault states holding you accountable for that lease.<p>Also, I believe you have the legal right to evict her from the premises if your name is on the lease, especially if your H isn't there in body to challenge it.<p>Use all of your resources of emotional and other support and use the legal system to protect yourself and your children. That's what they are there for.<p>You said you put everyone ahead of yourself. For now, can you just concentrate on your children and putting them ahead of everything else? Since your H has already told them what is going on, look at the lessons they are learning about marriage.<p>Is that what you want them to learn? Do you want your sons treating women the way your H is treating you? Do you want your daughters to endure the treatment you are showing them is okay? They are watching and learning from you and your H. He is teaching them an abysmally disgusting lesson in how to conduct oneself in the important relationships in life. What are you going to teach them instead so they have a chance at a better life than your H is offering them with his example?<p>Someone wise once said: Teaching by example is not the best way--it is the ONLY way.<p>It is what your children see you doing that will give them the tools to live with dignity or not.<p>Find the strength you need in their dependency on you. You are all they have right now. Find that mama tiger within you and protect your children.<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Sorry, this story is a hoax. I know the military. The author, if having spent any time at all with the military would not be in such dire straits as she claims. The husband would be locked up in a millisecond without a problem. Too many inconsistencies.

Kick her out OR Move out. Get your own bank account and withdraw everything from the joint account. See an attorney today. You can get money for being separated while you file for divorce. Do this on your terms NOT your H's.<p>Your H and BF are not your friends. Don't pay any attention to their threats. Look out for yourself and your children NOW. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

OKieman no this story is not a hoax and the military has no clue what is going on. That is one reason why I haven't said anything to anyone here in this town or said where I am because I don't want my H in jail because it wouldn't do me or my kids any good. Trust me this is not a hoax. I have left out stuff because I don't want my H or his GF reading all this and figuring out its about them.
Trust me I am living with this everyday and its no HOAX.

Is ok angel, lots of people come and kinda make up stuff, and is healthy to wonder sometimes about more bizarre stuff, your situation isn't that far out, but is hard to understand why one would stay in it....but what we all forget in this sometimes, is their is a survival component, a practical, pragmatic consideration and I sense that is a lot of your concern....but in the meantime you can build strength, make plans, gather information, seek legal advice and act when you are ready....don't be too dismayed over questions re credibility, is part of the deal.... just continue to post and seek whatever help people can offer....those who have doubts simply won't respond, and that is ok, I have made that choice on occassion to some...no big deal.

Sad_n_lonely thank you fro your advice. I guess I just took the comments to personanlly and for that I am sorry. I have very raw open wounds right now and I am trying to heal them and with comments like that they open up and hurt even more.<p>I appreciate all the advice that everyone here is giving me and I will take and listen to it all and see what fits my situation best. I keep hearing taht time will heal all wounds well with my wounds so wide open and deep right now I think its going to be a long time before they are healed. I know my therapist is trying to get me angry about the whole situation that I am in but as you said there is some sort of coping skill and some need for me to deal with all this the way that I am. I don't understand it myself maybe I am trying to not deal with it I don't know but I do know one thing that I am not going to be able to get through all this with out God by my side or my family and friends.
One of my friends sent me to this site so that I could share my story and hopefully get help advice or some comfort and I have gotten that from some here and I do appreciate that.
I am scared everytime I post something because I don't know if someone in my house wether it be one of the kids or my BF finds out that I am posting and see's what I am posting. But I keep coming back.
Does anyone know how to wipe out the history from MSN sites when you have visited places. That will be one way to keep them away from here.<p>Angelneedinghugs

{{{{{{Angel}}}}}}<p>Being a military wife, I know exactly what you mean, and why you don't want the military to find out! As it says in my sig. line, I have been both the BS and the WS. With the A that resulted in my pregnancy, it could have backfired on my H if his A's had become public! He had tons more to loose than the xOM did! We went to xOM's hearing, for assault and adultry. xOM didn't deny the adultry, but was claiming self defense. Needless to say, he lost rank and his medical hold was rushed through the rest of the loop! He had just made next rank, which was a large increase, and was going to be getting his med. retirement pay from the new rank. Well, since he had just made rank, they busted him down 2 ranks! He lost tons of money! So, I can fully understand how worried you would be if you made this public, as it could/would harm your children in the long run, as far as their monitary support! Too bad they couldn't do the same for a certain president who was able to make a deal that didn't hurt him at all!(sorry, sore subject with me!)<p>Anyway, I don't really have any advice, just know that I think that as far as not telling his CO, you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, I have no idea what you should do about your supposed BF's living arrangement! I agree with other's about talking to an attorney. Find out exactly what your rights are in this matter. I don't think they would send your H to jail, or even kick him out, but you could loose potential pay! Look into all your choices before you decide what to do!<p>Hope I helped, if just from my little hug in the beginning of this post!<p>Tigger4jdt