Dear Brenda,<P>I felt a need to respond and add my $.02. As with all information you receive here, it is up to you in the end what you do with it.<P>I will confirm that coming here to find someone who will justify your own feelings and the direction that YOU would like to take with them is pointless. The people on this board are here to enrich and/or to save their relationships. There is nobody that comes here seeking malice against another. We all care. We all understand all too well that in the throws of passion (emotional or physical), things can get distorted and we need outside help to sort things out. That said, it is important for you to realize that the responses to your posts and the kindness of others here will diminish if you do not seem to have a genuine interest in healing YOUR MARRIAGE unless of course it is one based on serious abuse or neglect. That is another issue altogether.<P>Now as I understand it from your others posts<BR>* you and your H have a son with disabilities together<BR>* your H has a daughter from a previous marriage<BR>I confirm this only because I believe there was some confusion on gender issues of children.<P>I myself am a little confused about the length of your marriage. Not a huge point but one I wish to clarify just the same. In October, you stated: <BR>"ive been married 4yrs now to a now military man."<BR>This month you stated:<BR>"My now husband was also going through a divorce. We married one year later. Been married for 6yrs"<BR>Please confirm for me. While it will not change what you are about to read, I think that you need to be consistent in order to be taken seriously.<P>Are you coming here hoping that you will hear that you should go back to husband #1? You will receive NO SUCH ADVICE and if this is your intention, you are better off not to come here. If you genuinely want people to care about your situation and help MAKE IT BETTER, then please listen up.<P>Have you read through the MB web site? Have you tried to applie any of Dr. Harley's 90% success rate strategies into your marriage with your husband?<P>Quote: My now husband is unfortunately gone a lot....may change, unsure yet. He is super with the children. Doesn't meet all my "needs"....but all in all he is a good husband"<P>Why not give him the opportunity to be a BETTER husband? To start out with "all in all he is a good husband" is a far piece better than many who come here start with. Some of the same people here are able to completely turn things around and live happy, committed lives with their spouses. That is what you want right ....a happy life with your spouse? My vote goes to the spouse who is currently your husband and the father of your child. It seems that you want the easy way out - to fulfill the fantasy that you are continuing to indulge in. Here's a little saying that I keep in mind anytime that things aren't perfect with my relationship "the grass is not always greener on the other side - it is only greener where it is watered." Brenda - WATER YOUR GRASS!!!!!!!!! If you continue to indulge in your ex and what "could have been", you will NEVER fully appreciate what you have in your life right now.<P>If this man is truly as caring and compassionate as you claim, he would give you the opportunity to make your marriage work and give your child the family he deserves. You have only to read through the infidelity board to see the unbelievable mess that can be created with affairs of the heart (let alone affairs of the loin). <P>You say that your husband is not meeting all of your needs. Have you talked about this? I assume that he is not a psychic in the military so he does need YOUR help to address these needs. I mean EVERYTHING - the love busters - what does he do/not do that annoys you? Every little thing adds up. If you spent the energy working on your relationship with your H instead of your ex, you would see tremendous changes I'm certain. At least if you gave it your absolute ALL and applied the "MB way of relationship management" and it didn't work (not likely), you could move forward knowing that you did everything possible. <P><BR>You cannot run from your problems. This is what you did in your first relationship. Don't do it again. Make this one work. You owe it to you, you owe it to your son, you owe it to your husband and you owe it to your step daughter who has already experienced a marriage breakup.<P>As someone else on this board said - Take your own advice! In another post you replied:<P>"If you live together then you should play together. I believe your marriage can be saved if you<BR> tell your husband how you feel and what you want and what you will do to compromise. I agree that you need some"me time" but maybe if you have family time then he wont get so bent out of shape if you want to go out with girlfriends....maybe a bar wouldnt be the best place to go....maybe a restaurant or movies....b/c if you are mad at hubby, other guys look pretty darn good! be careful"<P>Good advice - "if you are mad at hubby other guys look pretty darn good!" You could then not argue that if you are not satisfied with hubby, other guys look pretty darn good! Do you think that this is what happened the first time? That this is what is happening NOW?<P>Give your husband the chance to satisfy you. It seems that there may be a chance that he will be away less often - GREAT! If not, talk about your options, work with POJA in every single conversation and compromise until you are BOTH HAPPY. If you were to do this, you would no longer be under the influence of your ex since you have said that it upsets your husband that you communicate with him.<P>You said in one of your posts:<P>I understand completely!!My husband doesn't want me to talk to my ex husband at all, he can talk with his ex wife(about there daughter he claims) but still...there is that "need " to know....that we all have. I just cant rid the 11yrs that i have really loved my ex. For silly reasons and immaturity i left. I now found him on internet and i can relate to that long talk...hey ours was about that long....and it was so fullfilling!!i would do what you think is right in your heart. <P>Forgive me if I seem harsh here but - WHERE IS THE LOGIC HERE? Of course he needs to talk to his ex wife - THEY HAVE A DAUGHTER TOGETHER. If you were to leave do you think that you would never have to talk to him about your son??????? Of course he doesn't want you talking to your ex - YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM AND THE VERY PRESENCE OF YOUR EX (VIRTUAL OR OTHERWISE) IS A HUGE THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE! <P>Have you been honest with him and told him that you met him once for 6 hours of loving conversation? You don't feel that you are having an "affair". Let me ask you this. Would you be comfortable with your husband knowing all that you discuss with your ex? Would you be comfortable with your husband present while you are together? If the answer is no, you are heading for deep trouble if you continue.<P>It is good that your husband knows somewhat that your ex is in the picture, it says that you are capable of being somewhat honest with him. I suggest that you:<BR>1) End all contact with your ex<BR>2) Read MB website thouroughly<BR>3) Sit down with your husband. Be completely HONEST about all that has taken place with your ex. Explain that you are telling him this because you want to be with your husband and that you are concerned that if you do not both commit to working on the marriage, you are concerned that you will leave the marriage <BR>4) Work on ways that will allow you to have the fulfilling relationship that you obviously desire with someone - you CAN have that with your HUSBAND. <BR>5) If you do not think that you can do this on your own and you can afford counselling, I highly recommend the Harley's. Though I've not spoken to them myself, their track record is second to none and MANY, MANY here have received much benefit from it. If affordability is an issue, first read "how to find a good marriage councellor" and proceed from there.<P>If you wish to have some additional insight, I suggest that you post your story on the infidelity board. There are many there (betrayer and betrayed) who can offer much insight into the recovery process. You have to acknowledge within yourself though that you have been having an EA (emotional affair) and you must be committed to making your marriage work or you will (much like here) receive little positive feedback.<P>My husband and I have managed in record time to address many key issues as a result of all that we have learned on this site. Together I know that we will have a relationship to be envied by all, despite many affairs and issues that we have swept under the carpet over and over. Everytime I think about how close we have came to "just walking away" (that seemed the easiest approach afterall) I thank God that I found this place. Open your mind to the possibilities and then MAKE them happen.<P>You WILL experience periods of withdrawal from your ex. As you and your husband grow together and get better at addressing each others emotional needs and avoid love busters, you will feel less and less of the attachment that you currently do. You stopped contact once for a short period of time without actually doing anything about the situation that brought you both together and made him seem so appealing. Do it differently this time. End it AND work on a better marriage.<P>Yes, I understand that the feelings you have for your ex are real. Nobody is disputing this. You must transfer those feelings (WILL NOT BE OVERNIGHT OR EASY) to your real life husband and the father of your child.<P>RUNNING AWAY will not make your life better. Band Aids fall off after awhile leaving the same wounds under them. Take your time and commit to healing your wounds with your husband or you will never be able to address the negatives that you encounter in your life in a mature fashion. Set an example for your child and for his daughter. Water your grass, your ex's is looking a little too green right now and your lawn at home is a little brown.<P>I have not taken 2 hours of my time to address your issues because I don't care. The other people who have responded to you have not done so because they do not care. Please seek advice here if you are truly looking to heal your marriage. You will have much support along the way if that is your true intention in coming here.<P>Cheers and best wishes.<BR>I know you can do it if you want to.<P>Lisa<P>

Lisa--<P>Well put. I hope it is appreciated; your effort certainly was by me! <P>Another great example of the caring friends we can find at this forum.<P>Laura