I am so upset right now that I can hardly breathe. H was over this morning to pick up mail and at one point he came over to me and put his arms around me and told me that he is so sorry that all of this has happened and that I just don't understand. <p>I asked him if we could at least try to make the marriage work and he wouldn't answer me. I told him that I love him and he started to sob and walked away. I tried talking to him, but he just kept looking at me with sorrow on his face. When he left he said that if he came back things would never be the same and they wouldn't be better either. <p>After he left, OW sent me an instant message after he called her and told her what happened here. She was telling me all this stuff about how he only wants to be my friend and nothing more, and that he loves her, but he can't tell me how he feels because I get upset and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She told me that he would pay 1/2 the mortgage and let me live here and when it's time to sell, we would split everything 50/50. She told me that he's loved her for 16 years and that's why he was so miserable here, that he felt the marriage was over 16 years ago, but he never said anything to me. She said I am holding his kids over his head, which I'm not. They are the ones that made the choice to not speak to him while he is with her. They are adults, 21 and 18 and I can't MAKE them do anything they don't want to do. They think he is disgusting for doing this. <p>I called him on his cellphone and spoke with him. I asked him if he wanted to give our marriage a chance and he said "right now, no. I am quite happy where I am." He told me that when he was here he felt like he was in a rut. I asked if he didn't think that would happen with her and he said "No, because things are different with her, it's hard to explain." <p>Right now he's paying most of our bills, but he wants to know how much of the mortgage I can start to pay. When I told him that I didn't want to discuss that kind of stuff until he decided that the marriage was over, he just said "how much can you afford to pay?" I asked him point blank "are you saying the marriage is over?" and he said "Don't make me answer that." <p>I'm sorry that I'm rambling on and on, but I am so upset about this. He is calling me back later tonight and I don't know what I should say to him. I don't want to beg him to come back because I know he doesn't want to hear it. Do I just let him go? I don't know if I can do that. I just am clinging to any hope at all right now even though there is very little left.<p>Please give me some ideas and suggestions. I still can't believe this is happening.<p>Mary

The little bit of hope I am clinging to is that when I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said he didn't know. I don't know if he's just keeping his options open, or if he just doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He says he loves me, but how can somebody love someone and still do these horrible things?<p>Mary

Still-this is so hard for you. I don't understand how a man can tell you they love you, and hurt you in the same sentence. I am a BS and my WH posts here quite a bit. When WH and I were counseling with Jennifer, Jennifer wanted WH out that night, WH was so unthoughtful to me and the kids (now age 16-23). Jennifer told WH that he is causing so much stress with his actions. I wanted him out, and didn't want him out, but I was willing to try. Cause I was devastated. Anyways, now WH is talking about moving out. I don't want him to move out, but if he wants a divorce (which he says over and over) I really don't see any point of him staying here. Counseling with the Harleys hasn't helped. WH says to Steve and Jennifer, he will not just do it, he will do it his way and no other way. <p>So my WH tells me he loves me in a caring way. Like his brother or mother. He tells me he is not in-love with me. WH never gave MB a chance to work. WH had barriers up all the time. I can't seem to get control over my emotions for the last 6 days. I cry a lot, just bawl my head off. My WH doesn't realize how this is killing me, and I have no self-esteem to do anything.<p>I wish I could cry with you, I can't think of anything positive to tell you. I am at a loss for comforting words, cause I can't function myself. I will tell you a quote my mother-in-law says quite often 'Life is a B*T*C and then you DIE!' This is how I feel, my life is a b*t*h and I am going to die anyway, so why wait for old age, lets get it over with now.<p>I am on anti-depressants, and Xanax for anxiety. Nothing seems to help. I will pray for you, and hope God helps you find reasons soon. God pray for Stilluvim (don't know her real name), help her find peace, and comfort, and to gain strength in her inner body. I haven't been much help to her, but Lord I know you can do the hardest job of all! Thank you Lord!

Thinker,<p>Thank you so much for your prayer. I will include you in mine also. I am so sorry for the pain that you are in and I say that with complete understanding. <p>My husband will have no part of trying to make this marriage work right now. I don't know if he ever will. Right now he is living in that dream world that I suppose most WS's live in. <p>I asked my H to leave after finding out about the A, and in a way I am sorry for doing that. I feel that I can't do much to make him see that I have realized some things that I have done wrong in our marriage and have worked at changing them. But in another way I am glad that he is not living here because I don't have to face him everyday and have it constantly thrown in my face that he is having an A, although it is ALWAYS on my mind.<p>He is calling again tonight and I just don't know what to say. I don't know if I should tell him that I am letting him go or if I should just things go on as they are, with him being my friend. I just don't know how that will be possible for me, though.<p>Again, thank you for caring.<p>Mary

I understand your pain. My husband of 30 years announced his affair right after Christmas. We tried counseling and he tried giving up contact...that lasted two weeks. I asked him to leave the house until he knew what he wanted and it drove him right into the arms of OW 800 miles away. I'm not sure if I gave Plan A enough time. Should I allow him back into the house when he's still involved with OW? The girls 12 and 16 are in so much pain over the situation and yet they miss the father that does everything with them and was so wonderful. He comes over to discuss household situations and occasionally we go out and talk. He just came back from OW and told me tonight he's flying out to be with her again next weekend. The money spent on the affair is considerable and he feels he has a right to spend as much as he wants to maintain contact with OW. I'm so confused about the separation...if I refuse to see him, he gets all his EN met by her. But I don't want to feel like a doormat. I don't know if I can hold out while he's discovering whose more important to him, me and the children or the OW and her kids. I can't believe this is happening to me.
wintergal

Wintergal,<p>I know the confusion that you speak of. When my H left he told me he would be back after the holidays, and then it was "he needs more time" and now it is "i am happy where i am now". And the whole time he was calling me frequently and chatting as if nothing was going on and I continued to believe that he would come home to me. And now he expects me to just be his friend while he and OW go on to live happily ever after. I tried not talking to him at all, but it only lasted 5 days. I just can't go on without him it seems. <p>My blood pressure is sky high, even though I'm on drugs for anxiety and depression. This is literally making me sick and I can't seem to stop it. <p>And if my H is "happy where he is now" then I know he has chosen OW over his wife and children as they will not speak to him while he is with her. Maybe someday he will realize that she was not worth it, but I just don't know. I am trying to cope as best I can, but some days I just seem to lose it.<p>I can only say to you what I say to myself....take it one day at a time, and although the pain is sometimes unbearable, we will survive because we have the love and respect of our children.<p>Hang in there,<p>Mary

Thanks for the reply Mary. It's so hard to believe the man I've loved since I was 19 years old has done this. Especially with an OW whose husband left her in much the same way. My husband feels great pity and compassion for her but nothing for the pain and suffering he's caused me and the girls. He says their relationship is fragile because of the two weeks they had no contact and what he put her THROUGH....forget about us. It's just so crazy and out of character for him...he was the perfect husband, dad, son-in-law.....noone can believe he's gone and left his family. I try to be strong for the girls but I cry myself to sleep every night...I miss him so much. But he says he needs her body and the perfection it holds to be truly satisfied
sexually and I just don't measure up. I'm so upset right now I better go before I say something stupid and demeaning. Thanks again for listening.
Wintergal

Wintergal,<p>I am so sorry for you and your girls. I know my S and D are terribly upset by all of this. And like your H, this is so out of character for him too. I am stunned by all of this. He has always condemned other men that did this to their wives. In fact he was talking about someone just one month before he started his own A. <p>If you need someone to chat with, you can e-mail me at emzy55@aol.com. It does help to know that others are feeling the same pain and know what you are going through.<p>I know you feel that you have no reason to live right now, but you DO. You have 2 daughters that need you and love you and still respect you. The love and respect of my children is what keeps me going.<p>Take care,<p>Mary

I'm sorry he is in such a fog. And don't listen to the OW when she says how much he loves her. She just wants to make sure that knife stays in your back good. <p>I'm glad that your kids support you. They are quite old enough to make up their own minds, and there is not much you can do when it comes to that.<p>I'm sorry I have no advice for you regarding the marriage. I couldn't even make it to the 10th anniversary.<p>Elizabeth

stilluvim,<p>I'm so sorry you are going thru this...it's a terrible feeling. You've come to a good place here at MB--lots of proof you can get thru it!<p>Study the articles on this site--those give you your basic tools. Get the OW off you instant message thing--you don't need to have any contact with her at all, and she's not communicating with you to help you. Block, delete, or whatever you have to do. You can't control what she does, or what you H does--only what you do, and your first priority is to take care of you. Read read read here and be assured you are in all our prayers.

Hi Mary,
For encouragement, please read the Notable Posts thread on Just Found Out...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000554<p>For answers, keep praying. Don't allow your husband's confusion to cloud your thinking. Decide what you want and let your H know. Ask God to help you decide what to say. God is not the author of confusion but of peace.

I too am very sorry for what you are going through. There is no guarantee where this will lead you. But if you take the right path you will find that there will come a day when you will find that you have weathered this well and are at peace with yourself.<p>As for what the OW told you? She has a lot of audacity speaking for your H. The fact that he did not get upset at her doing this only shows that he is in a deep fog. Most people, especially men, do not like to have another speak for them. Do yourself a favor and don’t speak to her again. Her little talk with you had the desired affect. She demoralized you and become more of a wedge between you and your H. <p>This is not a rivalry between you and the OW. She wants to make it that way. That is what OP do because it is in their favor. You are his wife. You are the legitimate partner. She is not legitimate but is trying to force herself into that position. She can only do it if you allow her in.<p>When she calls, very graciously tell her that you do not want her calling you and invading your life. That you only want good things in your life. Then after that if she calls, tell her, again very graciously “I am hanging up now.” And do so. If she persists or get more aggressive get a restraining order.<p>Remember that her goal is to make herself feel more powerful and to get you to love bust with your H. Do not play into her game. If things go right, it will cause her to love bust with him.

Do read the material on this web site and the book “Surviving and Affair”. Have you been doing a Plan A? <p>Is there any way you can call Dr. Harley for counseling? I think that he could go a long way in putting you an track.