Can anyone give any advice to that question? My STBX sees the kids on Saturdays, and he is always with her. he can't even stay away from her long enough to see his kids! My daughter doesn't even want to go anymore, doesn't he see what he is doing??<p>This is very difficult for me to accept, I realize that I must come to some closure about this but it's difficult. My boys say they don't mind if she's there but I can tell that they are not crazy about her, they just deal with it so they can see there father, that breaks my heart, how selfish can you be.<p>
Like I said my D will not go. Can anyone give me advice on this subject because it's really eating away at me and stopping me from letting go and moving on.<p>
Love Sally

Hi, I'm sorry I have to be quick, really sorry. I'm assuming you aren't divorced yet by your bottom profile, so why don't you have him legally blocked from having the children around unmarried people of the opposite sex? That would mean anyone - even if he dumped the OW and started dating around again, it would mean the new ones too? I had it done. After the divorce is another story tho but even still, my X has not introduced the kids to her yet and I intend to fight him in court if he wants them overnight with his live-in honey there too.

My Att. says there is really nothing I can do, My boys are 16, and 13, and my d is 9. The boys are old enough to decide if they want to be with her and him, my D I can probably stop but she refuses to go anyway. The only thing I can do is stop them from sleepovers if shes there, I will Def. fight that.<p>As long as she isn't causes them harm he is allowed to take her. <p>I have just started the Divorce process. I have just recieved temp. orders of support and visitation from the judge. Thanks for your reply.<p> Sally

Ok. I'm about to spill my feelings on the matter in my own post. But suffice it to say, I'm dealing with this too.<p>From what everyone says, you have to be strong and show your kids that you are the better person.<p>Provide a loving safe stable home from them and they are smart enough to see what's going on.<p>Make sure they know that you are able to talk to them about anything on their mind regarding the situation, and you won't get angry, and then just enjoy your time with them.<p>Reality will set in with OW at least when she has to deal with teenagers. I know it's wrong, but the kids will come around.<p>Now if you want to know what not to do just read my post. K

I feel kind of lucky....my kids do not get to meet the OW while we are still married. It is in the temporary orders. I also heard that there is a morality clause that can be put in the D papers that says they can't be overnight with him and OW. He has been living with OW for a few months now.....(brand new, gigantic house)...This might just push him to marry her. I have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old. They do not want to have anything to do with the OW. I do believe in being the bigger person....I feel that I have been...I just don't know how "BIG" I can be on this issue. If my H and I had gotten a D and then he met some W fell in love and married her....well...I would be hurt and it would be hard but I would handle it. WHen our WS's do things backwards and then they want the kids to understand...I have a problem with that! She doesn't deserve to spend time with my two great kids. SHe slept with a married man and she didn't care about my kids at all (I know that their Dad didn't either!). The thing is...she has a son of her own...and to be honest...she was looking for a Dad and I think she found one.
I know that they are going to have to meet her....I am not going to "help" the OW and my H in this situation. I am not going to soften the boys to help them out. It is no longer my place...because in the past I have said things like"sometime you will meet the OW and it will be okay"....they get really mad at me...my older son told me I was not validating his feelings. Consider them validated.<p>Take care....stay strong...this is such a hard thing to deal with.
MAX

It is a tough situation. I about drove myself crazy fighting with my ww, now x. om moved in with her about two weeks after she left me and the kids.
SHe tried to force him on the kids early on by planning to take him with her to her mother when she was picking up our son who stayed at his grandparents for a week in the summer. I raised such a fuse that she finally backed down. Part of it was I called her parents to find out what was going on. She apparently just told her mother she was bringing om along and MIL didn't know what to do. My FIL said om wasn't welcome in his house, so om ended up not going. om/h is allowed not in XIL house.<p>A second time I found out the kids were around om was I was having trouble with my son and he was crying for no reason. He finally told me om had come back when he was supposed to be away. Wife defended om saying he lived there too and is allowed in his own place. I again caused a fuss, and the security guard calmed me down and got me to leave. I had drawn the attention of a couple other cops too. So I left.<p>I talked to a counselor/minister about this and he pointed out that I was driving myself crazy.
He pointed out my biggest fear was I probably was afraid that om was replacing me. Deep down that was part of it.<p>HE pointed out my kids would always know who their father or mother in your case is, and not to be afraid of that.
HE also asked what kind of relationship did I want the kids to have with a: their mother, b; om especially since they were probably going to get married which they did.<p>I did want them to have a relationship with there mother and I did not want them to have problems with om/h.<p>So far they have some kind of relationship with their mother, a weird one, but she sees them a couple times per week. Also they are not having any problems with om/h. My d never mentions him and I think she gives him a wide berth. A couple time she has called and asked to come home when xw goes to work when she has the kids and plans to leave them with om. So I go get her.
My son seems to be comfortable around om/h.<p>I am slowly coming to grips with it all still and it is closing in on 3 yrs. X still likes to rub it in, saying om is thier step-father. That really bother me, but I know it is my x pushing my buttons.<p>I had looked into getting restraining order, but the divorce papers were already started so there was really no time. I think that is the way to go if possible.<p>Hang in!

Thanks to all who replied your advice and experience is greatly appreciated.<p>
I will do my best to accept this tough situation and hope my STBX and OW realize that the kids should spend time alone with there Dad.<p>
Don't WS have any ,morals?? How can they be so selfish??<p>
Love Sally

Your answer is no - they have no morals or they wouldn't be a WS, and selfish = affair.<p>My theory of parenting is that the parents sacrifice for the well being of their children, but due to the nature of the beast, the addiction of the affair, the WS is just incapable of doing the right thing.<p>To this day my WS thinks that leacing a pregnant woman and then new mom to live with OW is normal and fine. As long as he's happy is his motto and then he rationalizes God, kids etc. to fit his desires. The rationalizations of the WS are spelled out in Love Must Be Tough. It's scary how they can rationalize their behavior but its true. And unless they come out of the "fog" they will not change.<p>I'll be hanging in there with you. God Bless. K

I am dealing with this also.It is very hard. My ex moved into a new house with his ow the weekend after our divorce was final. He had told our 4 kids about this long before, and instructed them not to tell me. What makes me feel even worse is that the kids like to go there, rules are very lax and they have a lot of fun. It seems like such a betrayal, even tho I know they need that time with their dad. My counselor says time heals all, I sure hope so.

God is in Control, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I am very depressed tonight, my boys returned home and they seem like they had a good time, that makes me angry I want them to have a lousy time so they don't go anymore,and he can feel some betrayal, I know that wrong but I am feeling betrayed again. I'll be hanging in there with you too. Thanks.<p>
Lonely Mom, I know exactly how you feel about being betrayed, my kids also have fun and rules are lax with there father. he only sees them on Saturdays so he does no raising of these kids I do everything. My D totally refuses to go because of OW. This is so emotionally draining. I sure Hope times heals this pain fast. Thanks my thoughts are with you.<p> Love Sally

SS, that's not a good long term strategy. . .<p>as my boss told me, the kids will love both parents, but will also be drawn to the better house and the more fun. The difficulty comes with the different parental expectations of how one should parent, which for the most part, comes from one's FOO, family of origin. . . if your H was not raised with similar values as you, then the difficulties fly! I see this with happily married people as well . . . <p>many times, people will do opposite of their parents, because they believed their parents' did them wrong. . . other times, they do exactly as their parents did, because they know of no better way. . . <p>however, you must provide them with what you believe is the best house to live in. . . I know i am fighting a very difficult battle, but there are times i realize it will be a long and difficult road, because X is very selfish and manipulative. . . . i am trying to educate kids about this, but am having a very difficult time because of selfish and manipulative nature of XW. kids have a tough time here with boundaries, and have a terrible case of devaluation from the X. . . .<p>so you can only control what you can, and that is you and your house. . . . and provide for them, do not make it a power struggle. . . . or you will teach them vindictiveness. . . something i dont' think you want, do you?<p>wiftty

Hallo,
this situation is soooo hard. I can not give a smart advice, I can only tell you how it looked like in my case.<p>Me and YD were kicked out of our family house in July 2000. He moved in OW in Sept.
First 2 months on weekends when H took YD he was "polite" to move OW out during these days, but in Oct when he moved her definetly in YD had to meet OW. Remember we were still married, nobody filed for divorce and OD lived with H and OW.<p>I was sad but legaly there was nothing to be done. So I didn't force YD not to go there nether to go (that was also dr WHarley's advice: let her decide), I didn't agree with his acts but couldn't do anything except complaining to him, what was with no effect.
To say truth I had a hope that OW (never married, several abortions, lot of lovers, no kids) would give up from a man who is very connected with his kids. Unfortunately that did not happen.
As you can see they got married, have a baby boy and while OD came to live with me , YD says now that she is going to live with them when school year is finished.<p>So I am afraid you can't do anything.
Try not to ask many questions about H and OW and not to make kids feel guilty cause they go to their father.
Whether we like that or not he is their father and will always be and how a friend of mine (a priest) here says to me : You are "killing" him with your love.

Hi there-<p>You have already received a lot of advice, but I thought I'd add my two cents worth. Let me say one thing, this is a very touchy subject and how you handle it is very important. Also remember that no two situations are exactly alike so what works for some might not work for you. You know your situation though so trust your instincts. <p>My now XH came to me when our youngest daughter was only 6 days old and announced he had chosen to get divorced and pursue a public relationship with the OW. We were already separated, he had left me when I was 3 months pregnant, but at that time I was under the mind frame that we were really trying to work things out. <p>Only five days later he introduced our oldest three kids to the OW as a good friend he would like to date if they were okay with it. Of course they weren't, but he really didn't care. Our oldest daughter(then 8) came home and cried for 2 hours. I told him and she then talked to him about her feelings and he agreed not bring the OW to anything he did with them. <p>This of course created problems because the OW is in college (she's 21) almost four hours away and time is very limited. He waited a month though before asking our daughter if she would reconsider. <p>That month bought me time to think of what I should do. I knew that legally I could prevent him from seeing the kids with the OW because we weren't divorced. I believed that this was in their best interest and was prepared to do it because the kids didn't want to see her. Then my daughter announced that she didn't have a problem with it and I reconsidered my stance. Although I was morally against it and sick at the thought of it, I was sick of being blamed for trying to keep them apart. I did a lot of praying and decided that since my kids were not opposed to it that I wouldn't block it. I talked to my kids and told them that I wouldn't stand in the way of their going as long as they were okay with going and if anything changed they promised to let me know. Granted I knew deep down that they didn't want the OW around, but I felt my hands were somewhat tied.<p>Of course my X was thrilled. He couldn't wait to get them together with the OW and move towards their new life where everybody loves and accepts eachother (the fog!). He rushed right into making plans for them to be together on his next visitation weekend. Of course I was devestated, but I put on a happy face and wished them well. I can honestly say it was one of the worst weekends I have ever had. I was sick at the thought of them seeing their father with the OW. I was also paranoid that they would like her a lot and she would take my place in yet another part of my life. As it turned out the weekend went okay. It wasn't as bad as I had hoped it would turn out for them or as good as he had hoped. <p>That was in September. Since then they have spent only two more weekends and a couple of dinners with the OW. With every visit a little more reality sets in. Of course we are now divorced and they are still together, but the happy family thing isn't really working out so smoothly. My oldest daughter can't stand the OW and I have a feeling that she makes things quite rough for her (she's a pro at holding a grudge and giving the silent treatment). My son who is seven doesn't like her either, although he is not nearly as vocal about it. My three year old thinks the OW is great, but I take it with a grain of salt because she thinks anyone who plays with her is great. The OW is very young and trying very hard to proove herself to my X especially where the kids are concerned. I guess it could be worse, she could be awful to them. <p>In the end I have survived it, she isn't taking my place with my kids, and I have an open relationship with them. They talk quite freely about things with me.<p>I guess you have to weigh your situation out. The best advice I can give you is to make sure you don't do things claiming the best interest of your kids when in reality it is more for you. Kids are perceptive, they see so much more than given credit for. Stand true to your morals, do the right thing, they will notice. This is probably the hardest part of the whole affair, but you will get through it and trust me it does get easier.<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you,
K