I read constantly about how affairs end and that they never stand a chance, but what happens when they have real feelings for each other and nothing else matters not even their kids? I want to move on and forget all this but deep down these emotions are tormenting me, I keep feeling that he has met his soulmate and I lost him forever almost like a death and grieving. I realize that we are in the middle of a D but there always that little hope of a miracle. Something tells me that STBX has really found this woman to be the best thing that ever happened to him.<p>
they say 95% of affairs end, and 85% of marriages that come from affiars Divorce what about the small percentage that's left, the ones that succeed, I am so sacred to accept that because the pain is unbearable. Any comments??<p>
love Sally

Sorry, but I don't subscribe to the soulmate theory.<p>I do believe that the infatuation and addiction of the affair make it seem as if the OP is their soulmate. My WH keeps giving me that there is one person out there for you line. But if that were true then it takes God and commitment right out of the marriage equation.<p>WHen reality sets in - and it always does, the WS and the OP will be subject to meeting each other's ENs just like people in any other relationship.<p>Sometimes their relationships last for a while for the same reasons our marriages lasted. They may fall into old habits and tolerate the situation for a while even if all their needs are not being met. But now they have established a dangerous precedent - they can simply find another person instead of staying in the relationship. <p>That's why the stats are so high for the second marriages failing. <p>Unless the WS identifies and fixes what went wrong in the first marriage, they are doomed to repeat their mistakes.<p>It doesn't make the BS happy to wait for this to happen, and sometimes the BS moves on before it does, but it's part of accepting that you can't change the WS.<p>K

Thanks God is in control what you said made a lot of sense, I guess I am looking at in the wrong perspective, but right now it's hard to see the logic in this mess, all I can see is the pain this causes so many people and kids.I don't subscribe either to the soulmate theory. You say reality sets in does it always do you think?? I sure hope so.<p>
Thanks sally

My mom married the OM when I was 3.<p>I'll bet she and he believed they were soulmates at that time too. Intoxicating effects of affairs. Just like an addiction.<p>The "love" went away quickly once reality of day-to-day life set in.<p>Dead marriage for umpteen years ending in divorce.<p>He slept on the couch most of the time.<p>She was never happy and died miserably with nothing.<p>It's a pipedream.

Father of 1 H Of 0, yes I suppose your right it is a pipedream. I am having such a hard time dealing with this that all I keep thinking is that they have the perfect relationship and I want him to feel some of the pain that he is causing me and his kids.

Everything I have read seems to point to an affair being an addiction, and with any addiction they have to prove they are doing the right thing. I think it is sad for WS in some ways, They at some point will wake up and have to deal with pain of divorce and pain of affair ending, they do there best to avoid the pain, by keeping the affair going, at some point it will end. MY EXW will not let OM out of her site for fear he will cheat, Ithink it funny since they are both WS's and are afraid they will cheat on each other. On the other hand once you accept you have no control and start to move forward life will get much better for you. I am accully happier now than I was when married, I almost feel she did me a favor by leaving, this has allowed me to grow and find what I want in life. I would have never left her, I was commited, but I see now she hurt me for years in small ways.

Sally,<p>My BIL left my sister for his OW. He was absolutely enthralled with her (in spite of the fact that she had an A with her 15 year-old daughter's boyfriend!). When her D was final several years after his D from my sister, they got married. Now, four years later, he is not a fulfilled man. <p>I know that there are a few marriages that work out for adulterers. However, I agree with jabber that the affair partners want to prove they are right by marrying in spite of themselves. <p>I read posts from BS who lament that they continue to suffer while the WS sleeps like a baby in their happy new life. But, I just do not believe that is true for most people because most people really do have consciences. Once the fog lifts, I truly believe that most adulterous x-spouses are acutely aware of the wrongs they have committed. They may not let anyone know because of their pride, but they know. And they have to live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives - even if they are "happily" remarried. <p>Take care,
Estes

All human relationships (and how they start) are subject to the same psychological rules. Affairs are no more (or less) likely to result in love than dating and marriage in general....marriages fail (or are unhappy places) at the same rates no matter how they came to be (including fairs)...it is comforting perhaps to a bs to assume their ws can only be happy with them, but such is not true by simple observation....most likely neither the marriage or the affair is about true love, cause most relationshiops are not period....they are usually about someone trying to get someone else to meet their needs, so they try to get em into marriage, or they try to get em in an affair... really makes little difference, the problem is people do not understand themselves, or how to select a compatible partner...<p>But people can and do find love intially with another while married (because people do not divorce when they should, and just drift along in an emotionally divorced, but still legally married existence).... but the likelihood is low, for the same reasons the marriage failed, so as a practical matter most bs have a pretty good shot at a 2nd chance...given a failing marriage, or a failing affair, the marriage is clearly the better default choice.....then the question becomes whether the marriage can really work of not.

Youre having a real hard time arent you lately...<p>I have to agree that it seems interesting that one could place their trust in an affair leading to marriage...wasnt it mistrust that got them there in the first place...how could you REALLY trust them, after all, didnt they make the same promises earlier with someone else...its a te,porary disallusionment.<p>And to say TRUE LOVE has a foundation that is built on lies and deciet and sin and destruction of a multitude of other lives can not be true love.
I thought love was God...would God let that sort of love be true?<p>Dont believe it...they certainly will be stubborn and try to prove its real by marrying, but theyer kidding themselves long term, JMHO.<p>Dancer

Sad Sally
I think the same things that you do....I am shocked to think that we fall into the percentage of marriages that end from an affair. It seems to me from reading many posts....that most people try to save their marriage...or the BS finds out and the WS never even leaves. <p>I am in the process of getting a divorce...I would have done anything to fix this marriage.....but he left and even though he had about a half dozen crying incidents.....he never looked back. He doesn't see the kids the way he should....it's pretty sad. He lives with OW in HER new house. I think he would very much like to prove me "wrong" about his new relationship. I think that deep down...(really deep!!!) he knows that he has screwed up...BIG TIME...I even would bet anything that he still loves me....but to say that he is wrong now....I don't think he could do it. I think he has backed his way into a corner....and he doesn't know how to get out.<p>I hae decided that I wish my STBX his health...I do not wish him happiness in this relationship.<p>You can only do things for yourself now....meeting new friends, trying new things. It's hard...I need to start doing these things for myself! Do you wonder if you will ever meet someone again? I doubt myself.....my confidence is low.
Take care!
M

dancer, I am curious, what about all the first marriages that are based on lies and deceit. They doomed also? Keep in mind people regularly conceal their true natures, and even material facts in their history that they think would reflect poorly on them (and chase the object of their desire away).....their are many kinds of lies and deciet...but I agree with you, any relationship based on dishonesty of any kind, is probably doomed.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I keep feeling that he has met his soulmate and I lost him forever almost like a death and grieving. <hr></blockquote><p>SS, he may have, you will only know in time. . .
Divorce is a living death. . . . the death of an intangible, the death of feelings. . . . the death of a relationship. . . <p>so maybe he has, but that is not your destiny right now. . .yours is to take care of sally, and the kids. . . when they are with you. . . .<p>your happiness does not lie with someone else, it lies within you, but divorce is hard because of the expectations and dreams that are dashed. . . the loss of adult innocence. . . .<p>time to work on yourself, to make you worthy of living a good life. . . . with or without anyone else. . . so that if you happen to meet a nice person, or your XH decides to change his mind, you can react with confidence of knowledge and the practice of a good life. . .<p>wiftty

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
dancer, I am curious, what about all the first marriages that are based on lies and deceit. They doomed also? Keep in mind people regularly conceal their true natures, and even material facts in their history that they think would reflect poorly on them (and chase the object of their desire away).....their are many kinds of lies and deciet...but I agree with you, any relationship based on dishonesty of any kind, is probably doomed.<hr></blockquote><p>
SnL,<p>In those FIRST marriages, those people were NOT committed to someone else when they were courting, and finally married. They did not HURT someone or a family to get into the first marriage. They did not betray the person they promised to love and be there for forever. They did not break VOWS to be WITH someone else or marry. <p>They did not break God's commandments to be married or involved with their first marriage partner.<p>Jo

jo, the issue was deceit. You expanded the conditions...but I agree, one should divorce before vesting emotional resources in another... the problem is the vesting is part of what humans do and one of the ways relationships end....I do not condone affairs, but I do understand them....<p>I would also suggest many people do act deceptively for the purpose of marriage, and that this deceit can and does often cause collateral damage to family, friends etc... It is all the same jo. Deceit is deceit.<p>jo, I know you are still hurting alot, and it helps to try and frame the hurt in terms of blame (which is pretty much what deceit is used for)...but it is not (IMO) helpful for healing....it really doesn't make any difference whether and affair occurs or not, or one is decitful or not, humans are inherently selfish creatures (as we must be or we wouldn't be here to discuss this, our genes would have left the gene pool long ago)....that is why the Harleys spend very little effort on assigning blame...all that matters is how two people interract, and whether it is healthy or not.<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Sally,<p>I believe that my STBX has found the love of his life, or he believes he has. His A is going on for the 3rd yr now. Of course the 1st yr, he was balancing his family, work (he travled 50% of the time), church (funny) and the OW. The 2nd yr, we were living out of the country, the 1st 6 months, he saw her twice that I know of and the last 6 months he saw her every 6 wks, of course all of those fun & exciting.<p>Now he has been living with the OW for the last 9 months. I think they have had lots of up and downs, and from snopping I know they are both on meds. Stbx still doesn't sleep. But I think they are working things out. I guess deep down I really thought after living together for awhile, he find that what he thought he had with OW wasn't all that great. <p>IF he ever thinks this I don't think I will ever know. So I have finally come to relazie that it really over.<p>My D has been dragging for months, mainly becasue I don't get back to my lawyer, & STBX has not pushed it at me at all. My plan was to drag it out, as I would guess it really bothers OW but I am at the point that I am ready for an end. Now whether I can push this I don't know, there are some things that STBX & I will fight about. I don't like to fight but for this I need to do it.<p>When it all comes to the end, unless OW kicks STBX out I think he will be with her till death. He will never want to admit he was wrong. <p>I hope they are both miserable. They have caused so many other people pain, not just me & OW's X but our children, families and friends. Of course the OW's family and friends have welcomed & encourage my STBX. I just can't understand people like that.<p>YOu can do this. Hang in there. YOu are stronger than you think.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
jo, I know you are still hurting alot, and it helps to try and frame the hurt in terms of blame (which is pretty much what deceit is used for)...but it is not (IMO) helpful for healing....it really doesn't make any difference whether an affair occurs or not, or one is decitful or not<hr></blockquote><p>I think you may be right, I do still blame my H for a few particular things, never being honest is one of the biggies. And, yep, I am still hurting. <p>I believe it DOES make a difference whether an affair has occured or not. LEAVE the FRIGGIN marriage and D before you humilate, devistate, disrespect and inflict unbelievable pain on your spouse before engaging in another relationship.<p>If one is deceitful, you are not trusting or allowing the targeted party to make their own decisions based on the truth. You are controlling them and the situation with deceit. It's manipulative and selfish.<p>Jo<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Well said, Jo.<p>Dan

Unfortunately, I think it CAN be true!<p>In my case it seems that my ex has realy found his soul mate.
Even the daughters accepted this OW, the baby and the whole situation.<p>So, the statistics is one thing and is not important if some percentages are so little if one belonges there.<p>My exH did everything mentioned in those10%, 5%, 1% cases and now is so happy and satisfied.<p>But WE have to find OUR lives to be better than before, to realize that OUR marriages were not perfect and try to live in (selective)memories as less as possible and try to believe that WE also deserve OUR soul-mate.<p>The pain is unbearable from time to time but it goes better.

no argument jo, in a perfect world human relations would work as you lament, has my vote...when you find that perfect world let me know would ya. In the meantime, blame is useless, as is the fact crap happens, what is important is letting go of the past (but learning from it) and moving on to a more successful future.... if one remains stuck (and blame is sticking) one is lost..... I don't want ya to be lost jo, so I encourage in my particular snl way...people to let go, works for some, not for others...anger is good jo to a point, as long as it motivates us to improve our circumstances...but if we aren't careful, it morphs into bitterness, and cynicism... you will be ok jo.

Whenever I need an answer to a question I go the Book that has all the answers. In Proverbs 6:<p>27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap
without his clothes being burned?
28 Can a man walk on hot coals
without his feet being scorched?
29 So is he who sleeps with another man's wife;
no one who touches her will go unpunished. <p>32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment;
whoever does so destroys himself.
33 Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away; <p>
Notice there are no qualifiers for the act. No extenuating, hog wash excuses. It does not matter whether you believe in these passages or not - it is the truth. I can't imagine being more miserable than living in the state of adultery.