I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. I have a hard time trusting anyone, even my husband. Yes, he has lied to me, but not about anything too serious. The problem is, that I know how many people he had been with before me (several) and I have been married before and my ex cheated on me. Deep down I know that my husband would not cheat on me, but I am constantly questioning him about everyone and everything. It is not only aggrevating to him, but I hate being this way as well. Only, I don't know how to change this incredulous behavior. We tried counseling but, I always feel like these people think they know everything that goes on in our household before I say a word; therefore, it did us no good and we quit going. What else can I do? I want to trust him, I love him with all my heart.

Crazy1, We all have skeletons in our closets. We all have a past...tell yourself everyday that "he chose me" In my opinion, lieing is lieing no matter what the degree of seriousness, however; you must choose to trust. I have had trust issues with my H, warranted too by the way. When i showmy mistrust boy it sure pushes him further and further away...but if you have been burnt then regaining the trust (in my case) must be earned. So think about this....has he been honest with you, do you see him making an effort to regain trust. Did he ever acknowledge his lieing as wrong and apologized? I think trust is a choice as is showing love. Dont let the mistrust eat your insides....start letting go gal. I do understand where your coming from. Have you read Harleys rule of complete honesty? Do so!!!<BR>ruby

He definately has tried and continues to try to regain my trust. Alot of the problem is that I am constantly trying to catch him at something. I know that he has not lied to me about anything for a long time, I think that now I do it because I do feel like I have pushed him away. He doesn't show that, but It has gotten to the point that he doesn't even go out with his friends because he doen't want to get the 3rd degree from me when he gets home. Sometimes I think that maybe a lot of the reason I am so insecure is because I never have had and to this day do not have many friends and never go out without him. I just feel like I have all I need with him and our 2 children and I don't need (or even have time for) friends. However, sometimes I do wish I had a friend to really talk to. When we got out of the military we moved near his hometown, and I don't know anyone. His family is great, but how do you talk to them about their son or sibling? Ya know?

I have trouble too, trusting my husband. He doesn't seem to lie to me any more but he has in the past and his mother and sister tell me he has always been a lier. My problem is even though I'm pretty sure he isn't lieing to me I always see him lieing to other people. How can you trust a person that lies to other people? He doesn't understand why I don't trust what he says to "me" just beccause he lies to others.<BR>Do any of you understand?<P>------------------<BR><P>

I have trouble too, trusting my husband. <BR>He doesn't seem to lie to me any more <BR>but he has in the past and his mother <BR>and sister tell me he has always been a <BR>lier. My problem is even though I'm <BR>pretty sure he isn't lieing to me I <BR>always see him lieing to other people. <BR>How can you trust a person that lies to <BR>other people? He doesn't understand why <BR>I don't trust what he says to "me" just <BR>beccause he lies to others.<BR>Do any of you understand?<P>------------------<BR><P>

Does your husband try to reassure you and make you feel secure?? I, too, have a real problem w/ jealousy, but it's made worse by the fact that my SO isn't demonstrative or even formally commited to the relationship; therefore, I think some of my insecurity is realistic. However, it's easy to get into a vicious (downward) cycle of our doubting/accusing, them getting hurt and defensive and withdrawing, which makes us even MORE insecure and sure something's going on, which makes them hide even more from us, which makes us even MORE suspicious; you get the idea... Biting my tongue isn't one of my strong suites, but I recognize that I really have to just sit on my fears and suspicions if I want the relationship to survive; the worst thing you can do is accuse and condemn an innocent man.

After reading your post, you sound exactly like me a couple years ago except for one thing. My husband's ex was trying to convince me that he was cheating on me with her. Phone calls in the middle of the night(my husband worked nights) where no one would be there, or some strange voice would tell me that my husband is cheating on me. That he had been seen with Julie(his ex).They even told me once that there was proof and they would send it to me in the mail. Of course nothing was ever sent. I was a nervous wreck for months. Couldn't eat or sleep. Finally I had had enough and I told my husband about it. His jaw dropped he couldn't believe it. He told me that he understood why I mistrust him (ex was a cheating sob) and that the phone calls just added to it. He looked me in the eye and said "I am not cheating on you. I love you and if we are going to have a future together you have to learn to trust me or we have nothing. Anything we are building is useless with trust" Then we came home and called the phone company, had our number changed and gave it to immediate family only and friends we knew we could trust. His ex didn't get it. Amamzingly enough the calls stopped. She still tries to get me riled up and at times, when I'm feeling a little insecure, she succeeds. The difference is is that I talk with my husband about it. I try to not form an opinion until we talk. 90% of what she tells me is a lie and she uses their son to try to get between us. She's a real piece of work. Anyway, my advice to you is don't look for trouble where there is none and talk,talk,talk to your husband. Don't let little things build up to big things. Keep the lines of communication open and let him help you. If he loves you he will and if you love him you will do everything to get rid of that old baggage. It's hard I know to let go of that old stuff (this is the voice of experience with that one) but if you want to save your marriage it is essential to do so.<BR>Good Luck!

I am definately not one to bite my tongue, try as I might. I am always looking for something that deep down I know is only in my head. This is taking a major toll our marriage. I hate the person who I have become and want to change, only I don't know how. That may sound a little silly, but I always tell myself that I am not going to say anything, because I know in a couple of days I will realize it was so stupid to think such a thing, but it just eats at me until I open my big mouth and we get into a full fledge argument about everything imaginable. He always tells me "I know I have screwed up in the past, but now I have been and still am trying to redeem myself". I want to trust him and believe everything that comes out of his mouth, the bottom line is that I am soooo insecure it is ruining my marriage. I am afraid also, that our children will end up just as insecure and I don't want anyone to go through this especially not my children. Thank you for replying I truly am looking for a way to change and read every response closely, in hopes of some revelation.

This is sort of the blind leading the blind here, but try to keep in mind (it may take a major incident or the realization of the harm it's doing) that it's TOTALLY COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to mistrust and accuse your spouse. I guess I have the "I don't want to be the last to know" syndrome; I don't want to appear to have had something put over on me, but believe me, I'm learning that it's much better for my relationship to just take that leap of faith and TRUST until I know I have reason not to. For one thing, that suspicion is a dishonor to my SO if innocent; secondly, the suspicion makes life so unpleasant that it could truly prove to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If KNOWING how destructive the suspicion is doesn't do the trick, try this tip someone gave me: tell your spouse you're sorry to mistrust him w/o cause; tell him you realize it's hurting your marriage and really want to stop. Then, to prove it, set aside a jar and tell him you'll deposit $20 everytime you "slip up"; this money is his to do what he wants with. This will not only serve to reassure him that you're serious about saving your relationship, but will effectively break your habit (and maybe he'll even buy you something nice w/ the money??)...

[QUOTE]Dear Crazy: It seems you have either been taught not to trust or have had a father or mother leave you. I know. I have been there. The only way we can trust is to take "baby steps". Invest a small amount of trust in someone you know don't know well. Remember, you and I are capable of being selfish and hurting others too. Trust isn't the absence of any risk of being hurt. That doesn't require trust. You are not required to trust if you don't know a person. The longer you have known people the more natural trust becomes. If they share alittle you share alittle too. Nothing that is going to get you in trouble later. We also must remember that people will hurt us even if they don't mean to because they are human. We hurt people too. Let God cover you. He will take care of those who hurt us. Hope this helps.

Crazy1,<P>I read your post and had a thought or two. I don't know if they will help. Just consider this. If you keep this up you won't have to worry about trusting your H. You won't have one. <P>I am not saying this to be mean. It is the truth, trust me on this . I know bad choice of words. But what you might try doing is consider the following when you are starting get really wrapped up with this issue. Ask yourself: <P>Do I want to lose my husband? <P>You see not trusting him will do just what you worry will happen if he was lying. You will lose him. <P>You need a trigger to help you to quit focusing on the negative. If you ask yourself this question it will remind you that by doing what you are doing and saying what you are thinking you will lose your H and that was what all of the mistrust was about to begin with: You did not want to lose your H.<P>One last suggestion, if this has been a issue with you for sometime and before meeting your H, you might want to get checked out for some of the complusive disorder type of things. I am not an expert but there seems to be a lot of help for people who fixate on things as you are.<P>I hope I have not offended you and that something I have said will be of use.<P>JL

I have a jelous husband who has accused me several times of sleeping with other people, which was totally untrue and devestated me. I know he still gets these ideas and I don't know what to do to get him to trust me. It got to a point where I felt like going out and cheating on him since I was being accused of it anyway. I think you should realize how much it hurts to be accused of doing something that you didn't, it makes me think that my husband doesn't even know me and it makes me very angry and bitter still. Another thing you should realize is that all this accusing could actually push him away into an affair. You have to also realize that he is still here after all these accusations and that should mean something and if it were to happen that is something that you would have to deal with when it happened, there is no use in trying to worry about it happening until you know it has. I hope you can realize how much it hurts to be accused of something you didn't do, and realize that jelousy can ruin a relationship. It is a really horrible feeling to have to worry about what you say and what you do b/c you might make your spouse jelous. You have to just keep your mouth shut and maybe right on here when you get upset, or right in a journal - that is private of course, if you need to get it out. Just don't accuse with out the facts, and try to think of what it would be like if you were the one being doubted.<BR>I hope I shed some light into your problem, and I hope everything works for you. Good luck!

Just a thought on the trust issue: I am reading a book called "Fighting For Your Marriage" that talks about the tendency to look for the negatives in our spouses...whether that is dishonesty, discourtesy, whatever. Anyway, the suggestion the book makes for overcoming this destructive behavior is to totally reverse it...forcing yourself to look for the exact opposite of what you fear. So instead of searching for proof of an affair, search for evidence of your spouse's faithfulness and devotion to you. This may seem like the other side of the same coin, but at least it's a start.<P><p>[This message has been edited by NorseElf (edited February 28, 2000).]

Thanks everyone for your responses and suggestions. I have currently begun to write things out and then go back and read it and decide if it is anything to open my big mouth about. This came about because of course after accusing H I would always realize (after the damage is done) just how stupid and childish my jealousy is. After I write it out I go back a day or two later, read it and (so far) have realized just how stupid it sounds. I think a lot of the problem with my jealousy is that I know I have made the accusations and they were not true and H has put up with me so now I am afraid that he will find someone he knows who will trust him and that he will realize that he doesn't need to put up with the mistrust. Of course, if this did happen the only thing I would be able to say is that it is my own fault that I pushed him away and into an affair. I am trying and hopefully I am making progress, but usually I think that I am making progress and then I regress. Anyhow, thanks for the advice and if anyone has anymore suggestions I would love to read them as I love my H more than anything in this world and do not want to lose him.