She won the "prize" so what the he*& else does she want. She's going to church with my ex and my kids? Ex sleeps on the sofa (not in bed with her) when the girls are there? She wants to be a teacher (my profession). How does the exWS think that he is a good role model? It's just such a joke. My new attitude where the girls are concerned is to tell the truth and to correct any half-lies they tell.<p>I think they (OW and ex) will do anything for me to accept their relationship. You see, if I accept the whore, they can move on without that little twinge (I'm being very generous here) of guilt. <p>Well, guess what? I hope they both rot in hell together, but leave my kids out of it.... The newest thing is playing happy family minus the REAL mother (me!). I would give anything (except my kids) for them both to be completely out of my life. It's never enough, is it? Gimme, gimme, gimme. Take, take, take.

My WH is doing this too. He wants to pluck me out of the picture and drop OW right in. <p>It's disgusting. And harmful to the kids. But WH is selfish right now.<p>The only consolation I can offer is that the kids are smart. And no one can take the place of their mother. It's a novelty right now, but when reality sets in with the kids, they'll start treating both of them differently, and it won't be all moonlight and roses.<p>The best thing we can do is provide a loving stable home for the kids and they'll learn soon enough where they feel more comfortable and who they can have a safe loving relationship with.<p>We just have to hang in there, and pray pray pray that when we can't be there that God is watching over our kids, and they can't have a better guardian than that. K

The whole thing is a slap in the face, I understand. I am concerned about the telling the whole truth thing. You have to remember that you need to keep it on their level, and pay attention to what you say and why you say it.<p>My oldest knows why dad and I are divorced, I make sure not to go into any juicy details, but he is old enough to understand that married people aren't supposed to have another girlfriend or boyfriend, and aren't supposed to love anyone but their husband/wife. <p>As for correcting half truths and lies, the same applies. You have to keep your perspective (easy for me to say, hard for me to do).<p>As a child of divorced parents I know what it is like to be in the firing line. Even if we as adults don't think the situation is that uncomfortable for them our view is usually far off from theirs.<p>A lot of these things get resolved as the kids get older. Even my little sister, who was very young when the divorce happened, knows the score. I wish my parents just didn't talk about each other at all back then. The old if you don't have anything nice to say....<p>I know this is not exactly the kind of support you were probably looking for, and I don't mean to be a pain in anyone's butt. When I read something like this I automatically think of how rotten it was for me to grow up hearing what each parent thought was the truth. <p>Dad traveled too much and it ruined the marriage, says mom. Well, in a way that is true. Having had a husband that traveled I can understand what kind of stress that puts on a family. But when dad was home, he was an awesome dad, and when he was gone he called every night and talked with us for as long as we wanted to.<p>Mom was unforgiving and slept around, says dad. Well, in a way that is true. Mom is the ultimate grudge holder. She didn't sleep around though, it was one person, and it was right after her mother died when dad was gone 9 out of 10 days and she was going thru some MAJOR depression and mental health issues.<p>The thing is, as an adult I have come to understand what happened in the marriage as much as I possibly can without having been in the marriage. And as an adult and a parent I know that the things they said to me were unnecessary and totally stressful. <p>We registered here about the same time, so I should know how old the kids are, but for some reason I can't remember. But even if they are pre-teens, or teens, the things I've said still hold true.<p>One of the most wonderful moments of my life was my sons 3rd birthday. I was tired of having 2 parties for everything because they couldn't (read wouldn't) be in the same room with each other. I decided that I had catered to them enough, going so far as to have 2 different wedding receptions, and this was it. I called them and told them both nicely and respectfully that we were going to have one birthday party, and that everyone in the family was invited. I told them that it would make Christopher very happy to have all of his family at his party, but that if they felt they had to decline the invitation I understood, and would be taking lots of pictures and video taping the blowing out of the candles and opening presents. Mom got there first with SDad, and was in the living room. Dad and SMom rang the bell and came in. Dad walked up to Mom and put his hand out. Mom said "It's nice to see you Bob, we have a wonderful grandson don't we?" Talk about not a dry eye in the place. <p>I think that your x is an @sshole, and the ow is a homewrecking b!tch. And I am right with you on them rotting in hell. I don't think you should ever accept their relationship, and you don't have to. But, as far as the kids go, he will always be their dad, and as much as it sucks you need to keep reminding yourself that.<p>Here I am writing all of this as I hope for my x's life to be horrible, and for him to never find happiness. He is the biggest jerk that ever roamed the planet and he does not deserve to have children as wonderful as we have. I know though that they will figure him out without much direction from me. <p>Oh, and please, she wants to be a teacher? Nice. That is just the kind of gal I want in charge of my kids day. I think she needs to get her own profession and maybe look into professional hooking.<p>She just wants to be like you, but she will never be able to. Your kids know who their real mom is, and they won't ever let her replace you in their hearts. She got the sloppy seconds, and he will cheat on her easier than he did on you because he has practice. What kind of a life is that for her? She will get everything that she deserves, and hopefully more.<p>Here my answer is 3x as long as your post, and I know all you were doing was venting, but I wanted to let you know how tough it was for me when I was younger.<p>I hope you take this in the manner it was intended, and please don't feel offended at all. I realize how tough it is for you, and how this whole situation sucks. I'm sorry, for all of us. <p>Wouldn't it just be easier if they all would dissapear into the night, and we never had to think of them again? Wishful thinking.<p>Do something nice for you tonight. When was the last time you painted those toes? It's starting to get warm, sandal weather.....<p>Elizabeth

Thanks for the replies ladies! Yes, it was some major venting, but it sure made me fill better!<p>Elizabeth:<p>I really apppeciate your heartfelt reply and I am in no way offended. I am also the child of divorced parents and have felt that same "tug" of loyalties. I try very hard not to put my own kids in that situation. They know how I feel about the OW, but they also know that I respect and support their relationship with their father with whom I surprisingly have a cordial relationship. Except he may not like the email I sent to him earlier...<p>BTW, I have two girls, 7 1/2 and 5. They are GREAT children despite what the ex has done to mess them up! I just think I was too protective before and THAT made it harder for them through their dad coming and leaving five times and countless other events that these affairs seem to generate. That is what I really mean when I say that I am honest. I am as honest as is age appropriate. <p>But as a high school teacher and with the world events as they are today, I believe our children need to learn the truth. I swear I hate to say it, but could I be turning into a democrat?? Am I getting liberal? Ha! Just kidding, let's don't get political...<p>God is in control:<p>I agree that we really are left to pick up the pieces and I have to say that for the first year or so I was in no shape to pick them up for myself much less for my girls. For that, I will always have regrets.... <p>Personally, I am happier than when I was married. I enjoy my freedom and choices and even my new relationship. <p>Thanks for listening!<p>Ashley

Ashley is a liberal
Ashley is a liberal<p>She burns her bras, and marches for justice!
She frees the guilty and wants to expand welfare!<p>Next thing we know she'll be out gathering sigs for all the dems in the next election!<p>Maybe they have a medication to fix that....<p>I'm glad you understand my pov. It sucks to come from a 'broken home' and it is even worse to think that I am doing the same to my kids.<p>So tell us the dirt! What mean and nasty thing did you email him? Anything I could use in my next conversation with [censored]?<p>Elizabeth

Gosh thanks so much for this post.<p>I've been searching for information on what this feels like for kids. I hate that my kids are going through this. And I had hoped that we could be civil and decent and nice to each other throughout it. (dumb and naive)<p>I'm going back and forth between feeling anger (that he's telling the kids bad things about me -- not just the affair, but judgements etc) and it makes me want to stop mediation and go for the attorney.<p>And sadness -- that my kids are being torn apart and there's nothing I can do to change it.<p>And depression -- maybe I should stop trying to preserve my relationships and just walk away from it all -- or really really really leave.<p>I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I also,have the ow,right in my face,,ugh...they rented an apartment less than a 1/4 mile out my backdoor,,it reallly sucks,,I wish they both would just drop off the face of the earth. I dont think,they would dare attend church here,,lol,,I know its wrong but i gloat,,because both of them are persona-non-grata among colleagues and what used to be mutual friends,, a small piece of satisfaction? you bet!!!!
Hang in there,,Keep your chin up!!!!!!!!!

Hey Ashley,<p>I am laughing my butt off, you crack me up! Please please pleeeaassee don't do anything drastic like changing your voting habits! I might have to fly out there for some intervention or something.<p>K's a joke. She has no personality so she wants to be you. The funny thing I've noticed is that it always seems that one of the affair partners usually has no personality. In my case, it's my X. When he was with me, he was just like me. Now he's with her and he's just like her (believe me, big difference, he's changed big time, including the politics!). I think he just sucks the personality out of whoever he's with and becomes them - because he has none. He could never live alone, who would he be?<p>Still, I feel very sorry that you and the girls are in such a lousy situation. I haven't had to deal with it yet, but X does come over here in his new clothes, new jeep complaining about how he can't even afford to feed his (her) cat - oh and by the way telling them all about how he just joined the health club. All they get out of it is that it's their fault he has to send money to us so he can't live it up more. I think they get it though.<p>Take it easy Ashley, talk to you later.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>

I just had to respond to this thread because there are so many parallels to my own situation.<p>TM- I too am a teacher and the OW is a 21 year old college junior majoring in elementary education. She actually intends to graduate and come back to our small town and teach. Good luck, she may get the job, but I have plenty of colleagues just waiting to give her hell!<p>My X also would love to slide her right into my place, luckily kids, family, and friends have other feelings. I am newly divorced, but often wonder how they will be accepted. Knowing my X with the exception of the kids whom he forces to spend time with her he will avoid everyone else to avoid conflict. Nice relationship!<p>WO-<p>I have to laugh at your comments on the one of the people in the A having no personality. This describes my X's OW to a tee! She is very plain, actually quite homely and I have been told by everyone who knows her that she is extremely introverted and dull. One person who knew I knew what she looked like even once said to me, "Well, you already know what she looks like. Let me tell you, she has a personality to match!" It comforts me a lot to know that not only have they both ended up with lying cheaters, he also ended up with an ugly dull one to boot! Just wait till the fog wears off-YIKES!<p>Everyone take care and God bless!
K

WO,
Thats a pretty good observation about our x's. Mine is the same way. She now likes what ever the om/h likes. Right after D she told me all that crap about us not having anything in common and told me all her interests like WWII. I found out later that another guy she worked with was a WWII buff. There was never a WWII book, article, etc in this house before. She is also into cars. om/h rebuilt his own car and she went with him to a auto parts wholesaler and said it was so neat. She also went to a couple gunshows too. Complete change.<p>She also has had a change in personality too. Very combative. After D, when we argued she would get in my face. She has stopped that since I bum rushed her out of my house last year.<p>x hasn't tried to move om into my place. I think she tried that originally but has backed off that as he/they haven't been accepted.<p>She changed jobs and now works 20 miles away. This after telling me she loved her job/place of work and would bnever leave. She has also given up on all her old friends, the few she had.<p>I heard she was to have a party last year and then cancelled it apparently because no one was coming. <p>She quit going to church after telling me one of my problems was I wasn't the Christian head of the household.<p>I think she too will be in for a big suprise when the fog wears off.

Well, that's why they're soul mates! It's the lack of a personality and the NEED to assimilate into someone else's. They are the BORG. Can't be alone. It's too hard and confusing to actually have to think for themselves.<p>Guess what, they left, they changed, they are unrecognizable to everyone who knew them, and we are still us - same likes and dislikes as always, still listen to the same music, vote the same way, go to the same church, do the same activities we still love to do. Who's the stronger, I ask ya?

Hey guys:<p>Well, the intense anger seems to have abated somewhat. Amazing thing, that PMS.... It's really just so pathetic, huh? Now I've gotten off my high horse, I'll remain the conservative (but not ultra anymore) that I have always been. <p>Now Kathy, I have to disagree with you about changing ME. I think I have definitely changed for the better. I'm much more confident (this took a while, a LONG while)and developing new and special relationships. I don't think any of this would have occurred if I were still married to G. Let me rephrase that, I know this would not have occurred. I think you have made some really cool discoveries about yourself too. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, huh?<p>As for the personality adoption, I totally agree. Though K does tell G that she was always the one with the personality in her family????? Another thing I have noticed abou them is that they tend to have few if any female friends - maybe 'cause we know their game????<p>UGH, the business of being divorced and HAVING to maintain contact...<p>Take care of YOU and those kids!

Hi Ashley,<p>I didn't mean that we haven't GROWN. That's different from changing I think. I mean I'm still made of all the same substances, likes and dislikes, tho I know we've all learned and grown quite a bit. But you and me are still us, only better.<p>I can't say I even recognize the person I used to be married to. He's just a mirror image of the OW now - likes all the stuff she likes now (like cats - he was always a cat-hater), all the things he liked are out the window and he's doing stuff now you couldn't have paid him to do before.<p>So guess what Ashley, I just got a job today!! This man wants me to work for him so bad that he upped the salary he was offering to keep me happy so I'd work for him and not be tempted to keep looking for another job. I'm scared. It's been 10 years you know. But this guy has a lot of confidence in me - wish I had the same! <p>Well, talk to you later.