<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

All I can determine is that the spouse wants to have their cake and eat it too. It's selfishness. <p>I mean why divorce your spouse and be alone and then try to find someone else, when you can have the security of a marriage and a spouse in case the affair didn't work out.<p>It's sick, I know. <p>The other reason is that the spouse just gets swept up in the addiction that it is more powerful than anything else, thus they will chance to give up their lives for the affair.<p>They have free will to make bad choices and they did. All we can do is control our reaction to them.<p>K

I wish I knew why my x did the things he did too. I am pretty sure that I will never know either.<p>People are selfish, and although I wish I could think that people are generally good, I learn more and more each day that there are some who are just rotten to the core.<p>It is easier to do things the right way. Not painless, but in the end it is always easier to it right the first time so everyone doesn't have to suffer the fallout. But, as I have learned, the cheaters tend to not care what kind of mess they leave in their wake.<p>Elizabeth

In a perfect world that is what responsible people would do....but we live in an imperfect world, and the fact is affairs are an integral part of the marital paradigm, it is part of the fabric of life....but some in fact do set out to have affairs purposefully....I do not understand that...but for others it is a matter of a shift in emotional alignment, and it does not happen in a clearcut linerar fashion.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by newstartj:
<strong>
Why don't you just leave your spouse first, get a divorce next, then find another partner?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why, because they are doing what they do best - using you.

Why does anybody ever do anything wrong?--A SINFUL HEART. Jesus said, "...out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks..."....
and all other behavior originates from the heart as well. <p>Scripture instructs us that above all else we are supposed to guard our affections & hearts...protect them from evil, temptations, etc.
But none of us are capable of doing this on our own, without God...<p>A person who has never been regenerated or born-again spiritually (given a new heart, John 3:3) is open prey to the full spectrum of Satan's subtleties to the grossest of evil. He has no spiritual weapons to guard his heart, fight the strength of addictions, and handle warfare against Satan's ways. A believer who does not daily yield to God's sanctifying work, not filled with His Holy Spirit, refuses to grow, can fall prey too. <p>A book, Torn Assunder by Dave Carder is about adultery, etc. <p>Also check out Dr. Doug Weiss at www.sexaddict.com --I heard him speak on TV--he says an addict uses sex to deal with current stresses or past pain, as a desperate attempt to heal woundedness of their spirit (which they fail to realize can only be healed with God's truth). If this is true, my guess is, your H's sinful act was NOT done with the motive to destroy his marriage (thus he didn't divorce you first) or because he hates you his W, although that is what it feels like to you. He's so caught up in his own spiritual/emotional sickness that he can not think of the consequences. The addict also uses fantasy in place of where intimacy should be; only God can heal the damage of his soul to make true intimacy in the marriage possible.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

I hope you do not make a decision over night. Marriage and love are strong... get counseling and at least see if you can work it out. Your husband loves you and made a mistake. My wife did the exact same thing. We had a great marriage but all of a sudden when I find out about her affair she says she wasn't happy for a long time which is a crock. We had small fights but nothing ever major. I will never understand and am probably going thru right now exactly what you are.... but I am the opposite... I want to be with my wife forever... I married until death do us part and she has mad a mistake.... a bad one... she keeps saying she wants a divorce but never gets one. I love her and want to continue our marriage. I, myself, did not realize how much I love my wife until this happened. This is the last thing in the world anyone would think my wife would do. I don't want to let her go... thank God we don't not have any kids. As I said I thought we had a great marriage... I work at a hospital and work odd shifts and we don't get to see each other much and I think this is what may have caused this... it had nothing to do with our relationship. I'm sure it won't be long and she will be gone. I will miss her.

Mr. Hurt has a point. Can your H get help for himself and the two of you get marital counseling?
Some couples can recover from this kind of thing.
Divorce is always a last resort.

It's not always about the sex.<p>I was the BS about 4 years ago. I caught my W fooling around with a guy she worked with. We were young and not too smart about these things and never did get counseling. <p>She continued to work with him. I had caught them before anything physical had happened between them, but the things that were said in the emails and the phone conversations I taped pretty much killed our marriage. I should have walked away from it then, but didn't for various (stupid) reasons. After their EA, I was probably pretty depressed. We had *just* bought a house.. we worked with many of the same people and had a similar cirlce of friends. What would our friends say? What would everyone at work think? What would our parents think? What the heck would we do about the house? (We would have essentially had to "pay" someone to take the house because of how little equity we had in it) We eventually moved away, but she had to go back to finish school. She needed a job and took the "easy" way out by accepting a job back where the MM was working. Nothing ever happened with the MM - I was reading all of their emails and had friends watching them. It was over when I busted them. But I remembered all of the details of the emails and phone calls. <p>We turned more into roommates than husband and wife. She developed her interests.. I developed mine.. It finally got to where we couldn't even sit down to watch TV because we didn't like the same TV shows. Same thing with trying to go to the movies.<p>There were lots of other differences that developed (religion, life philosophy, decorating styles, etc.), but I won't bore you with all the details. We were basically growing in 2 very different directions.<p>4 years of resentment with some depression thrown in here and there can do a number on your self-esteem. For much of that time, fear of having to "start over" with the whole dating/relationship game at "my age" (30ish) was greater than the pain of staying in a "ho-hum" marriage. Plus I was thinking "Who's going to want a slightly overweight, 30-something divorced guy?"<p>I then got involved with a co-worker myself. I finally began to see that there might actually be someone out there that might find me interesting/attractive/etc. It wasn't about the sex. It was about someone that was truly interested in the same day-to-day things that made me happy. It was about someone who had the same philosophical outlook on life. It was about someone who would actually listen to what I was saying.<p>Less than a week after the A started, I knew that the A was a symptom that there was something seriously wrong with my marriage. It took me a few more weeks to work up the courage and figure out what I needed to do to get a divorce. Fortunately, there were no children involved.<p>My divorce was final about 6 months ago. My family and co-workers have all commented on how much happier and less stressed-out I seem to be.<p>I'm not proud of how I handled the problems in my marriage. My W and I both did stupid things in the marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't know about sites like this. We should have gotten counseling. She should have never continued to keep working with the OM. etc. <p>Sorry to be so rambling. <p>~daoren

This may sound lame, but I also feel that a lot of the reason why people cheat before they break it off is to be nice (go with me on this one). Knowing that their is power in being the one that does the breaking up, if the other partner already has "doomed" the current relationship, than why not give your signif other the poweer by breaking up with you. I think this happens a lot and then ultimately when it works (be careful what you ask for) the person who "doomed" the relationship regrets the "letting the other person break up deal". Hope that made some sense.

Don't like the way I wrote my last post:<p>In other words.<p>Let's say the H has decided that for whatever reason that him and his current W are not going to work out (effectively dooming their relationship). He may love her enouh to not break her heart (underneath it probably a bit of cowardice in regards to change and being alone too). Anyway, so the H now cheats (although he feels justified as he has effectively taken himself out of the relationship and is just waiting/wanting the W to break it off with him). He feels this may be his last act f love by letting the W break it off. In other words he know the break up person has the power so he let's his W break it off. I have seen this happen a decent amount and then the H almost always regrets the decision, wnats the W back, but it's often too late.

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

I can relate (from my own experiences) to much of what you've been through. The worst, I believe, is when our husbands have misused God/Bible/male headship/submission to justify their sickness and treatment of us!!! That is spiritual abuse. And men who have a spiritual problem--it often plays out sexually....with my H too. <p>You don't have to prove anything more to me, Newstartj. I applaud you, how you have done the right things to bring your H to accountablity before counselors, the church, the law, etc...to push for change, to bring restoration, etc... Your responsibility in this is clearly done; your H will have to hit his own brick wall and give account before God. <p>I am at the same point with my H. He'd rather blame me as the problem and divorce me (he filed) than deal with his own heart and behaviors. <p>So, divorce is God's gracious rescue and deliverance (for you and me) from a hard-hearted, sin-sick man as God allowed for (Matthew 19).<p>(((((Newstartj))))....I pray for God to heal
all your wounds from all the kinds of abuses you have suffered. He will restore your soul and
the souls of your children!! They will rise up and give you honor! God is your faithful Husband and He is Father to the fatherless children. Let your children see Godly models of men at church. I pray showers of blessings on you and your precious family!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by newstartj:
<strong>Why don't you just leave your spouse first, get a divorce next, then find another partner?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>* Fear of being alone.<p>* Feeling that they 'deserve' to get SF or other EN's met by someone else since they feel their spouse did not meet those needs.<p>* Fear of not being loved. Sex=Love to many people who are sexually promiscuous.<p>Before I married, I often started a new relationship before properly ending the old one. I did not confront the old boyfriend with problems I had with the relationship ... I just started looking for someone else to make me happy.<p>My XH used that info against me. He accused me of cheating on him hundreds of times. He tormented me with claims that he had me followed and photographed and videotaped and bugged. He swore he had evidence of dozens of specific affairs. How do you NOT lose your mind when confronted constantly like this? His persuasive paranoia had me almost believing I did what he accused me of. Knowing full well that I didn't. Knowing where I was and what I was doing and with who ... I never got drunk, drugged or blacked-out. What he said happened couldn't have ... but after it is drilled into your head so many times ... fact and fiction seem to blur. The b*st*rd was methodically, viciously trying to drive me insane. He would make me totally dependent on him, and fully under his control.<p>Yeah, I'm another one here familiar with abusive, controlling ways ... <p>I wish you well in your "new life" free of abuse. It's quite a shock sometimes, now that I'm out of there, what I put up with and how much better life is "out here".

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

Well -- I'm a WS and willing to share my story and ideas -- but a little scared cuz this post is focusing on a lot of abuse issues, and I certainly don't feel like that has been a cause or even an issue in my marriage.<p>I simply got caught up in something. I had the classic "walk-away" wife syndrome (you can read about that on www.divorcebusting.com) <p>I had been married for 14 years. Early on I made lots of efforts to manage and create our family life. I then moved into trying to control him into behaving the way I wanted him to behave (or do the activities I wanted him to do, example: go to church as a family.) After a long while, I gave up. I planned to leave him when the kids were older. I was basically a single parent in a family structure. I could have continued on with this until my planned departure time, but one big thing happened...we got a computer.<p>I started spending my free time online. Eventually I met OM, and we started an online/telephone relationship. It met all the needs my husband wasn't interested in meeting. Pretty soon we planned to meet in person. This man had become totally important to me. I hid it all from H, because I knew how he would react. I wasn't interested in giving up OM. I felt I had already given up enough for H. I thought I could keep this all going. I could have OM to make me happy, and I could keep my family intact until my planned departure time. <p>Of course I should have handled all of this differently. But I really got in over my head before I realized it. Like Mr. Hurt said "you don't make decisions overnight". This didn't happen overnight either. It was innocent enough to start with, and by the time it wasn't -- I felt justified enough to continue, and honestly, I didn't want to lose what I had with OM.<p>You can search my posts -- I've written more about this.