As stated..were going to mediation today...say a prayer for me..thanks..it's at 2:00 this afternoon..

((((ThornedRose)))))<p>Best of luck to you and let us know how it goes. <p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thank you...I will

okay...mediation is complete..<p>I have custody of the kids..he's making the car payment till it's paid off as a form of child support..(instead of paying me the money each month he'll make the car payment till it's paid off then, he'll start paying me that amount)which actually works for me so I don't have to worry about it now..since I'm working part-time and going to school..and I was struggling to come up w/ the payment every month...so it's a burden lifted there..<p>I get the house..he waived all rights to the house..I waived all rights to his retirement..<p>Reasonable visitation as long as he continues w/ child support..he'll continue to pay the kids medical..<p>So all in all it went well...and as far as they are concerned because we were able to agree and sign the papers..were divorced..it just goes before the judge for his signature..<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

Glad to hear that all went well. Sounds like you two were pretty easy to agree. I really think it's so much better when two adults can make the decision rather than a stranger having to decide the fate of the family.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Losthusband, <p>It really wasn't that easy...it took about 2 1/2
hours of the mediator going back and forth between the two rooms....<p>Before we made the appointment for mediation I asked him what the hold up was on this..(he filed..and yet he delayed the proceedings) and any time I had asked him about 'us' getting together and talking about things..he wouldn't..so finally when the mediation was set up he asked me what that meant..so I explained to him..mediation is us bringing in a third party to see what we can agree upon to bring this to an end..so that we have control over what happens and not a judge telling us how it's going to be..it gives US control..<p>He finally told me..his atty kept telling him "I" was asking for $350 more a month in child support..than what he had already been paying voluntarily..and he felt that was sufficient..and didn't think "I" should be asking for anymore than that..so he was asking for custody of the kids..
(but his actions towards the kids didn't show he wanted custody, he didn't spend very much time w/ them..he didn't call them during the week--called them on Friday's to see if they were coming over for the weekend..and that was only our son..he didn't ask the girls..and when he did it was like an after thought)he told me he'd told his atty months ago that he wasn't going to fight for custody..but HIS ATTY was pushing the issue..I explained to him that "I" wasn't asking for more money..My atty went based on State Guidelines for child support based on both of our incomes..and since he made $**** a month this is what the State said was required for him to pay..
he said he would just have to wait to see what his atty said..because THATS NOT WHAT HE Calculated..
and during mediation...the guy put the figures in the computer and THATS the amount that showed he was required to pay..what he had been paying PLUS the $350...I'd told him before, I wasn't trying to
'screw' him out of money..because I wasn't concerned about any 'extra' money..<p>He was always concerned about 'money' didn't hoard it..but didn't like sharing 'his' money..he didn't want me working..so it was 'his' money..and thats how he refered to it..he'd work out of town..and get subsistance..and his paycheck came home to pay the bills..when he would spend all of his subsistance he'd call asking me to send him more money from 'his' paycheck..and if I didn't have it because I'd paid the bills, bought food, he would get angry..and start cussing me..because it was "HIS" money..what the "F" was I doing w/ all 'HIS' money..anytime I'd mention going back to work..he'd get angry and say the ONLY reason you want to work is because YOU want to be single..You wouldn't NEED me for anything if You worked..
took me a long time to figure out THIS was HIS beliefs, and anything I said..wouldn't change that..I'd even asked him over the years to find another job (even if it was making less money, and I could go to work and make up the difference of what he lost) THAT was unacceptable..I'd even said, well, okay, then just find another job and we can adjust our finances around that so that he would be home and we could work on our marriage..
that was also "Unacceptable" he didn't get that I didn't care how much money he made..he would get drunk call me up accuse me of having affairs..call me names..if a male neighbor came over to help me w/ something here that needed fixed..I had to be sleeping w/ him..because men just don't do things for women with out having sex with them..(he said this so much I began to believe it) On one level I
know this isn't true, because I had always had LOTS of men friends I didn't sleep with who were nice to me and did things for me, but on another level..well, now I don't trust men because I always wonder if that is their motive..he started saying things like that before we were married..to where I ended some very good friendships because of it..he also believed that all of my women friends only wanted me to go out w/ them over the years so that they could introduce me to other men..not because they really wanted to spend time w/ me..I began to believe that and doubting myself that someone could actually like me as a person..I began to doubt my own friendships even with women I've known since jr. high..and began isolating myself to please him..<p>If a man flirted with me..I was to blame..I'd done something to instigate it..if I wouldn't have smiled at or said hello then he wouldn't flirt w/ me..but by doing that I was showing I wanted them to flirt w/ me..I was showing them I was available..<p>I'm still working on this w/ my counselor..and learning how to tell which men are like this and which one's aren't..and I'm finding there are more NOT like this than there are men who ARE like this..<p>The really sad thing to me is..I gave up control of my thoughts, my life..to make him happy..and nothing was ever good enough to want him to be here..and be a father and husband..He didn't respect me..but then..as I am learning..by the way he treats his own body w/ his drinking..he doesn't respect himself either..and if he has no respect for himself..he can never respect anyone else..<p>
So even though I've had to give up that hope of things changing..and getting better..not walking on those egg shells of doing something that will trigger those jealous rages..and even though I've given up alot financially...I know I'll be ALOT Happier..

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>The really sad thing to me is..I gave up control of my thoughts, my life..to make him happy..and nothing was ever good enough to want him to be here..and be a father and husband..He didn't respect me..but then..as I am learning..by the way he treats his own body w/ his drinking..he doesn't respect himself either..and if he has no respect for himself..he can never respect anyone else..</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That's some pretty hard lessons to learn. It took me a long time to realize the extent of the control that she had over me.<p>I remember our mediation well. We spent 2 hours & 45 minutes with the mediator going back and forth and were able to agree on NOTHING. In the last 15 minutes we did agree on taxes and holiday schedule. So we were off to court. Ten minutes before the hearing we informed her attourney that we were filing contempt of court charges for her selling assets, they decided they wanted to go back to the negotiating table.<p>So yes, I do know where I was on September 11th. I was in a small room while my X was in another and our attourneys were running back and forth. We got down to the last issue and the Judge came in and said "This is BS, lets go to trial". So I said all deals off let's go. Magically when they entered the courtroom they stated that we had come to an agreement.<p>Funny thing is, short of 8 hours every two weeks, the agreement is exactly what I wanted in the beginning, only it cost me $5,500 to make it.

I'm thankful it didn't cost me that much..he pays his atty fee's and well because I work part-time and go to school full-time I was able to go through legal aid..<p>alot of ppl don't like legal aid attorneys because they feel they don't know what they are doing, thinking they are lackeys who couldn't get their own practice going..but let me tell you..this lady was AWESOME...I was refered by the Domestic Abuse Shelter, and that is who most of her clients are..women from abusive relationships..who can't afford lawyers..and she is a shark..she would go step by step explaining everything..if you agree to this..this is what will happen..so I personally wouldn't accept it..I said, okay..then when they'd come in w/ another offer..she wouldn't even ask me my opinion was just like...NO..That is unacceptable--other times she'd ask..explain it and say that sounds reasonable..so I'd agree..it went on and off like that until it was finally agreed upon...I'm just thankful it's over..

Thorned Rose,<p>It seems like things worked out as best as they could. My stbx wanted mediation and when i agreed to go, he said i needed to tell him My stbx what i wanted before mediation. I told him what i would agree to and my stbx got upset. I went to an attorney and understand the all the debt should be divided. My stbx doesnt want to pay any of it, so it would cost me about 3500 to get an attorney , but the debt would be about 4500 that my ex would pay. Does mediation work thru the debts. Isnt it legally 50/50 for debt. Im confused as what to do, I want to save money, but dont feel like a mediator tells you what you would be entitled to. What are your thoughts on the experience. I have been married 12 years, my attorney said i should be granted spousal support.I am so confused, when i told my stbx that i wanted him to pay half of the debt he got mad and stormed off. Help, what do you think?

rosita:<p>Okay, debts are usually divided 50/50 if they are in both names..yes, you could be entitled to spousal support, even if just temporary support to get an education..<p>You would also be entitled to half his retirement,
if you own a house it could go that it be sold and the equity be split..BUT, if you have children at home then in most cases the house doesn't have to be sold right away, depends on how long till the youngest turns 18..they could also require that one of you buy the other one out..basically pay them their part of the equity in the home..if there is $5000 in equity...you'd pay him $2500, or he'd pay you that..<p>In mediation, the mediator will sit down w/ the two of you and your lawyers..and explain the process, that this is just to see if you can come up w/ an agreeable settlement..agreeable to BOTH of you..so you have some control over how things go..if you can't..then it would go before the judge and he will decide for both of you..depends on the judge, on how that will go..some look at it that one tried to make things as easy as possible and favors them..others if they have a bug up their crawl its anyone's guess..like the judge that would have seen us..is anti-women..(I've heard that from many different lawyers and others who have gone before him) Your lawyer (if they are good) will explain to each offer made and if you agree then okay, if not, then you discuss what you want and make a counter offer..you can negotiate most anything...like..give up half his retirement for his equity in the house..that way you get the house..he can sign a quit claim and it's yours..you make the payments and he can't take it away from you..<p>You can negotiate how child support is paid..if you wanted you could say..he can take all or half the debts as a form of child support till they are paid then the child support is paid directly to you..(which is how we did my car payment) he makes the payment..till it's paid off then I'll get that amount added to what he's paying me directly..if the bills go unpaid..then..he can go to jail for
contempt of court and not paying child support..<p>You can negotiate who gets what from the house..
as far as furniture and so forth..if you've inherited anything...or if he has..thats not considered maritial and isn't included in whats negotiable..it goes to the person who inherited it..like I inherited stocks..and furniture..he couldn't touch those..but..all the other furniture was considered half mine..we had two households of furniture..half was mine..he couldn't touch it..
the other I could have made him sell it..and give me half the money..but..why bother? my kids need it when they are over his apartment..so I didn't push that..<p>all of his tools that he left here..he can't get..but I can have a BIG YARD SALE, because he left them..and didn't ask for them..he even left some antiques that he aquired while doing a couple of construction renovations..<p>Don't let him intimdate you..and You don't need to tell him what YOU want before you go to mediation..you tell your lawyer what you want before you go..that way they know how best to help you get it..and how to mediate for it..the mediator doesn't tell you what your entitled to..you lawyer can do that..the mediator just goes back and forth between the two rooms and tells the other ppl what the offer is..and if it's agreeable to both parties..they write it down and put it in the papers..<p>My ex got mad that I filed my income tax before he did this year..and because we were seperated last year...not living in the same household..I could file head of household..and I did...claiming all three kids..he got mad because he had claimed them all year on his W4..and couldn't claim them when tax time came..he wanted half of what I got back in taxes..My lawyer said..if he wants half of that then we want temporary spousal support for the next 4 years so she can finish college and him pay child care until she can get financially stable..she said..he just took a loan out from the government all year, thats not her fault..but the kids lived w/ her all year and didn't live with him at all..so he backed away from that..(I'd also claimed the kids on my W4) but we negotiated that he would claim our middle daughter on his W4 and I'll claim the other two..for next year..<p>So really anything can be negotiated during mediation..and if you can't come to a mutual agreement then you don't sign anything and you go to court and the judge divides everything..how he/she feels is fair and equitable..<p>Does this help at all??<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>