This is my story. Married 21 years, four wonderful children, ages 20,18,17,14. H has cheated, lied, is verbally and emotionally abusive, and has been physically abusive. I have causght in in some very compromising siuations. Have done the counselor bit, with no lasting effect. The times I have told him I felt like something wasn't right, he would go nuts screaming at me that I'm crazy and need to get on some medication. He has lied about everything I have ever confronted him about and then I find out my gut feelings were right on the mark. He has promised to change so many times and promised to never do the things that hurt me again. I have lived on a roller coaster for 21 years and I'm getting ready to get off the ride. I loved him very much and always held hope that things would get better. I finally decided that if things did not change after 20 years, they weren't going to. So instead of trying to forget everything he has ever done to hurt me, I will remind myself of everything he has done. When it's over and he walks out the door, I want to be over him and get on with my life. I have already detattched myself from him emotionally. It's just a matter of timing right now. My 18 year old S is graduating in May and, if possible, I don't upset everyones life right now. We talk very little and have virtually no physical contact, except when he occasionally walks up and hugs me and tells me he loves me like nothing is wrong. He has never asked me if anything is wrong, even though I act like he isn't even here except to defend myself from his cutting remarks. Most of the time I just smile and don't even respond. Now and then he will yell" What in the hell is wrong with you?"
He yells when he talks to me and if I don't understand what he is trying to say, he just says the same thing only LOUDER. Usually right in my face. He has actually gotton so upset that he has slapped my face, once into the wall and knocked me out. I know the harder I have tried to please him the worse it has gotton, so I'm through!!
Has anyone else had similar experiences or view points?

So sorry to hear what you're going through.<p>You're obviously in an abusive situation -- and there are many resources and places for help for you.<p>I think your head is in the right place. Now you just have to make a safety plan. There are several people here who are going through similar situations and will be able to help you more specifically!<p>Take care!

You go, girl! It's gonna be okay, though it might be tough at times. You don't deserve to be treated like that.<p>My x used to tell me that that was the way I deserved to be treated and that no one else in the world would ever put up with me. Well, I've been married to a man who hasn't lifted a hand to me for four great (and not-so-great at times) years. <p>You've made the right decision, imo.

Thank you both for the encouragement. There is so much stigma attached to divorce. I went in to this marriage with the idea the divorce was not an option and that no matter what happened, we could make it work. But it takes 2 to make it work. He says he loves me, and I'm sorry for him if he thinks he does. I've never talked to anyone about how he is for 18 years. I didn't want to change peoples oppinion of him, for his sake. When I finally started talking to a friend and got it out in the open, I could see reality much better. I know I will be ok, but it has been so scarry taking that initial step of telling him. I am considering getiing an order of protection in case he goes ballistic, even tho it's just a peice of paper, but he will loose is job if he tries anything. My kids at home can't even stand him. They want me to do this.( all but 1 of them) I know it's my decision, but it's their life too. He was so mentally abusive to my S that is out on his own, it brought us all many hours of grief. I have 3 very supportive friends, and I have to say that good friends are so valuable to have. My parents Baptist background, however is a little harder to deal with. I am 46 y o and think it's none of their business. They think it would be devastating to the kids but the kids say it no more devastating that what he does to us on a daily basis. I probably sound like a total fool for staying this long, but everytime I would get close to the point of leaving, he would turn into prince charming for long enough to make me want to try again. At this point, no matter how much he changes(or appears to change), it makes no difference because I'm not going back. I feel like I am strong enough to do it now. It's kind of strange because he always blamed every thing he did on me and said I caused him to behave in that manner, and I believed him at the time and would just try harder and harder to be better or different. But it never made any long term difference. I think he resents me for odd reason. He has made derroatory coments because I like my job. He doesn't have any friends that he does things with or even visits. His mother said I should have left him years ago. I think I was so co dependent that I wanted to help him overcome some hangups he had. When I started working on myself and getting over the co dependency is when I really couldn't take it anymore. For the longest time I was trying to figure out who was more at fault and felt like I couldn't leave him unless it was more his fault.(dumb huh) I saw a counselor in Jan and she helped me see that the score was not the issue, but the abuse was. If this long post bores anyone, I hope they wont read it, I'm just working through my ordeal and it helps to talk about it. Thanx

Hi longtime- I read your whole story and could really relate to it. Married 16 yrs here 3 great kids ages 15, 10 and almost 5. My H had very intense affair with a single coworker last year and filed for D on me to be with her. I was totally devastated cried all the time, believe divorce is wrong in the church. I put up with his revolving door routine for months. Now he cancelled the D and he thinks I should stop crying and just 'move on!" I'm thinking of moving on- but not with HIM! Because I have just read a book by Beverly Engel about Emotional Abuse and he is just as described in it. No wonder my self-esteem is in the gutter. I have now just started to emotionally toughen up and told him he better start treating me with respect, kindness and consideraton or I'll be showing him the door legally. He is shocked! He's treated me better the last few wks after I said this than ever before. I told him long-term- thats the key. We are now starting to see a Christian psychologist and maybe things can improve. If not- I am no longer terrified about living without him. That has been a huge break-thru for me. I discovered that even God finds me worthy and deserving of love respect and kindness. That matters. lifeismessy PS good luck to you on your new journey toward a more peaceful life!