I know that my H has either filed or is just about to file for divorce (for the 2nd time).<p>I know this because I see that he has removed and taken with him the "divorce file" that had been safely tucked away for a year since the last time he filed. <p>We agreed that we wanted to try reconciliation, but for many reasons, it just didn't come to be. <p>The QQ I have is... why do I feel like I feel? I have that horrid sinking feeling yet again. Is it fear of the unknown future? Is it that I truly don't want to be divorced, though I spend much of my time detesting this man and everything about him?<p>I have spent the last few months hating everything that H has done (or should I say lack of anything done) His "I don't care" attitude about anything important to me has surely been meant to punish me and has done nothing but anger me for the last few months. I have spent hours and hours on the phone with my mother explaining to her how this marriage will never work because he isn't willing to listen to my needs, and certainly isn't willing to attempt to meet any of them.... purely out of spite and contempt, no doubt.<p>So.... why do I feel this way today?? I should be doing the happy happy joy joy dance that this limbo hell can end and we can move on. But again (like last time he filed), I'm feeling shaky and unable to think or do anything but sit here worried and upset. My brain seems to have been abducted... can't see anything clearly. Why does this have this effect on me when it's what I've wanted but been afraid to move on for these many months????????? <p>I think I'm just losing my mind here!! Someone please try to decipher this "stuck and frozen" feeling I'm experiencing??????
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Waiting,<p>Why are you spending so much time talking to your mother on the phone about your marriage? It isn't wise, really. She loves you, wants to protect her "baby" (I'm a mother too) and she's bound to be on your side.<p>Come here, post to people who don't know you or your husband. We won't remind you if you reconcile about all the *** things he did. We won't accidentally slip and say something angry to irritate your H. <p>I'm not saying your mother wouldn't support you if you two can reconcile and patch things up, I don't know her. <p>Are you feeling down because even a combat marriage feels better than a future without him? Misery is better than loneliness? And that as bad as it was, you hate to say goodbye to your marriage? I think I understand.

Divorce is scary. It is probably one of the most traumatic things you will go through. No matter who files, it is hard.<p>You were married a long time. You don't get over 20 years in a few months. Even though the marriage was bad, it is what you know. Change is scary. I was the one who filed and I was depressed, cried, lost 20 pounds, and was terrified. I had dreams that I would be homeless, living in my car. I wanted my ex to change. I wanted to stay married. But I couldn't live the way I had been. Given the choice, I knew I didn't really have one.<p>It is normal to feel the way you do. No one wants to fail at their marriage, but sometimes you can't save something already dead. Give yourself time to grieve and be sad. Talk to people, find a divorce recovery group, and read up on the subject. <p>I know for me, it was a horrendous experience. I couldn't read a book or watch a movie for almost two years...my concentration was just not there. Slowly, I have gotten my footing back. I'm happy with my life. Had I not gone through the divorce, I know I would eventually have disappeared.

You sound perfectly normal to me. <p>I'm going through a divorce and although I KNOW that my WH is NOT the person I married, or even the person I know a year ago, I still feel sad.<p>I too wonder why I still let him get to me. I know in his present state, all he does is hurt me. Why does it still hurt when he does the stupid things he does? <p>I have to believe it's because we are kind, loving, compassionate people, who loved our spouses, and the people we love are the ones that can hurt us the most. And while our WSs have had time to emotionally distance themselves from us, we are just now facing this reality.<p>Divorce is NOT normal in my book, and I never thought I's have to face it, so just dealing with that alone and everything that goes with it is ALOT to handle. It's unchartered territory and not very fun territory at that.<p>However, many people post here who have been through it and say that their life is for the better, and I have to believe that I will achieve that state of acceptance and be happy in my new life free of the enotional turmoil that my WH has put me through. It takes time to heal. <p>Stay strong. Just take life one day at a time, and we'll get through this. K

DITTO been there done that. I just posted a similar story, however it doesn't sound like it if you read it. But I felt much the same way you describe. I finally had to ask myself exactly what it was that I was upset about. He didn't file for divorce, he's just a miserable person to live with. After much self examination I came to the conclusion that I was not grieving what I was loosing, but the ideal life I had planned and was working toward. I'm not sure now if I ever had anything more than a dream. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. This is an extremly emotional issue and I have found the more emotional things are, the more I tend to get confused. Start thinking of yourself. Obviously having him seemingly in control of the situation is eating you alive. Take control of your life, for your sake, you will feel much better. If you absolutly don't want the divorce, and if it is coming, then I hope you can find a way to come to terms with it. I depended on my husband emotionally soooo much and he always let me down. It is scary , and that has been the biggest obstacle for me on making my choice. I rarely talk to family about my H because I don't want their sympathy, they can't be objective about the situation, and if things did work out they would always look at him differently, which would cause a whole new set of problems. I think the way you feel has to do with the stage of the relationship or lack of it that you are in. There comes a time to admit defeat (nothing personal) and move on. When we want something so bad for so long, somehow we loose sight of reality. I had to "wake up and smell the coffee" in my situation. If it didn't gell after 20 years of trying everything I could think of, it probably wasn't going to. I feel much better after making my decision that he was not going to control the situation, I was. Good Luck!!

My divorce was final today...and it's the idea of giving up the hope of the marriage getting better thats the hardest to do..<p>the hope that things would change..and they don't..it's coming to that acceptance we don't always get what we hope for..<p>That was a big thing for me..I'd get my hopes up year after year...only to have them dashed again..
and now..I don't have to hold onto that hope anymore that things will change..or that he will change..and that I think is a BIG LOSS!!! <p>it's like now what am I supposed to feel? I don't want to feel hopeless because it didn't work out..but I don't want to dwell on the hope that things could get better..and we get back together either..(because there would have to be some drastic changes that I'd have to see)<p>but I do have hope now that my life will get better because I am no longer on that emotional roller coaster of hope..crushed..hope..crushed..
and I can finally move past that..to what?? I'm not sure yet...but it's got to be better than that..

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

It's a death and it's a failure--both of which are hard for us to stomach. Our innocence and fairy tale has died. Because we failed to make it work. Also, nobody likes to be dumped--it;'s the old 'you can't fire me, I quit' thing. Even my x who hated me and I mean hated! was offended when I actually divorced him.<p>I'm sure you have insecurities===will I be alone for the rest of my life? Sometimes the misery you know is better than the misery you don't. <p>What is it that you're afraid of? What kept you from divorcing him? I think those are the questions you have to answer. What do you think single life will be like? I can bet it won't be as bad as you think and there's a lot to be said for peace and quiet.