Yesterday I left a post regarding the fact that my wife has had an affair over the past six months with someone 3000 miles away. I mentioned how much I love my wife and the fact that I married her to be with her until death do us part. I want to stay with her and have tried my best to have her love me again. I trusted her with my life. We never had any marital problems until this...other than the fact I work shifts at a hospital and we have a hard time spending quality time together. I rec'd a reply that told me to give her time and space. I'm afraid if I do this she will not miss me and be gone forever. She knows how much I love her and that my world was her. I really don't want to lose her. She is my life. Please tell me how to go about this but still let her know I care.<p>Pleae never do this to anyone you love... it is worse than death.... at least if she had passed on, she would have died loving me and I could have fond memories of her.

First of all she isn't 'your life' she's your wife..and there is a difference..<p>It sounds like there may have been problems that you don't see..right now..because of your hurt..<p>Take this time that she's asking for space..to look back over the years and see how things could have been different..is there a way you could change shifts at work and spend more quality time together?<p>And in doing this work on changing you..and also plan A'ing her as you change..<p>I know that I asked for time and space..to think things out..and thats what I did..for me..I worked on things within myself..I still tried to reach out to my ex and talk to him..but he was angry that I wanted time to think..that he didn't reach back..I sent him info from this website and asked him to read it..he never did..I asked him questions on the Emotional Needs Questionarire since he wouldn't read it himself..and he would get angry..because our needs weren't the exact same..and he thought they should be...<p>So read over the information here on the site..ask her questions and be there when she wants to talk..<p>See if you can get into counseling..and make it a priority to spend time w/ her when she's willing to do that..and be open to negotiating things out..like learning to date again..

Dude, don't freak out. Sappy love songs aside, if you really need someone as bad as so your life would end without them, then you need therapy, not a spouse. She is not your mother, and you are not a small child. <p>THAT said, grab yourself a brew, calm down, and let's talk.<p>First of all, don't worry about the "time to think" thing. In fact, this is gonna work in your favor. Giver her all the time she needs, and while she is doing that, YOU go and have yourself some fun, relaxation, and maybe a little more fun. Don't call her every five minutes. Don't beg, cry, threaten, moan, harass, snoop,
or any of that crap. Even if you find out she is having a dalliance with someone else. Forget it.
You can't do jack about it anyway.<p>Where does this get you? It gets you to Happyville, man. And there is nothing, NOTHING that attracts a woman than a happy-go-lucky man.
Let her think you are unaffected. Let her think you are having the time of your life. She will turn around and come back to you.<p>Let the pit in your stomach rule your actions, and you will push her farther away. Believe me,
I know this. <p>So get out there and get crazy. Take some license. You are free to do this. I said so.

To EazyE<p>Thanks for the advice... I will pick up my head and give it a shake... One Molson Canadian please sir... no in the bottle!<p>Thank you

Mr Hurt, I'd have to agree with Eazy. I was the WS <wife> who rejected my ex'es pleas to stay together. The crying, snooping, clinging only drove me further away.
Eventually, the ex had enough and found himself someone else to boost his self-esteem. His new found woman gave him the courage to leave me....and he never turned back. Ashamed to admit it, but his new found confidence and happy go lucky attitude made him a much more appealing man. Sadly, [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] , it was too late to make any more love deposits. The bank was closed, the trust was shot, the marriage over.

Mr. Hurt,
I need my space now and I'm working on me. I only wish my husband were taking the time away to work on him. He's still in the fog where he believes it was all my fault. Sad, and getting worse each day. Work on you. This site has an enormous amount of information on it. If you read and believe it, maybe you wife will be open to it if you share it with her.
I just listened to the QuickStart tape last night, the emotional needs section is very important.
Good Luck.

You're gonna be ok, Mr. Hurt. That's the attitude
I like to see! One Molson comin' up, my man!

Mr. Hurt- you will find people on these boards that understand you situation really well. My H had an affair last yr that he refused to end and I became suicidal. That just drove him further apart from me emotionally. I came to find out thru therapy that I needed to develop my own SELF and not be so intent on FIXING my marriage all by myself. If your W needs time and space by all means give it to her. My H didnt touch me for 7 mo during his affair and 4 mo of his emotional withdrawal afterwards. Sure it hurt like heck. But now his love has come back for me and we are in counseling together. If I had given up on him last year we would be divorced by now for sure. So hang in there. This type of affair is an addiction and will take alot of time to break- so stay strong yourself thats the best advice I can give you.lifeismessy PS A strong antidepressant med can work wonders too!

with no kids, its not the end fo the world, by any means. . . . there are plenty of future left for you even if you do get divorced. besides, her affair is a symptom of something wrong in the marriage and with her. . . .<p>so start with counseling, and look to see what LB you have been doing, and how you have been treating her. . <p>two good books: "If the buddha Dated, and "If the Buddha Married" talks alot about how you can be screwed up and make a relationship difficult for someone else. . . .<p>good luck. . .<p>nah, she is not your life, never was. . . if she was, then you do need therapy. . . .<p>wiftty