This is my first post so I will tell my story. <p>My W and I have been married almost 7 years. 10 months ago she tells me she wants a divorce and gives the reasons-no love for me, not enough attention, not enough domestic assistance.<p>I look at myself and agree and make all the changes-and the changes have become permanent. But nothing changed her mind and in June of last year I discover another man-her coworker. <p>We struggle and struggle. I develop a huge distrust isssue regarding her and this man. She constantly tells me I have mental problems with this. Then in in September we finally click and for 4 months I am thinking we are healed. She is telling me she loves me, telling me we are healed and that I have nothing to worry about with our relationship. <p>Then a few days after Christmas she suddenly tells me that she again wants a divorce-that this good time we had was not real, etc. Again I have the sam efeelings and again find out about the OM in February. <p>I am asked to move out the first week of February and I am served D papers a week later. Out court date is in April.<p>We have 2 young girls-one of which is her daughter from her first marriage. They are taking this hard. I am taking this hard. My Wife is basically emotionless. She is focused on her end goal and nothing is going to stop her.<p>I feel used. I feel betrayed. For almost a year she made me feel like I had mental problems when in fact she was just lying really well.<p>I dont know what to do, what to say or anything at this point. I am lost and with out hope.

Kelson. Start thinking about protecting yourself NOW. Find the best 'D" attorney you can find. Do not leave your home. Your marriage is over and the papers served, she knows exactly where her next step is going to be. You need to know yours as well. Close your accounts and get as much $$$ as you can find. Look to this site to carry you when you are weak and need some surpport. This will not be pretty so become emotional detached as she is. Be there for both of your girls, your happines will come from them.

I am presently going thru the exact same thing as you. Thank God we have no kids. Our marriage was fine and all of a sudden I find out about the affair and boom she says she wasn't happy. I have been with my wife 10 years and married 4 but have live together for 9 years. I would never have dreamed she would do this.<p>I will tell you...you do not have any mental problems... I felt the exact same way and still do today. As I was once told you need to be strong and hold your head up. You went and tried to make the changes... she obviously did not. It sounds as if to me that she doesn't deserve you. YOu may love her more than anything in the world as I do my wife. It is the worst pain in the world as I said before.. worse than death itself. Be strong. Your life is not over. It is just beginning.

Welcome Kelson...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Get back into the house!
Get back into the house!
Get back into the house!
Get back into the house!
Get back into the house!
Get back into the house!
...and in case you missed it...
Get back into the house!<p>Your children deserve a sane parent...
...and loving father.<p>If your W wants to move out...
...make her make the decision.<p>You do what is right.<p>If you need to protect yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a good attorney. A good place to start off is at the Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.
USLaw.com (an alternative search site)<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>If you want to stay married...
...do everything to show everyone you want to work on this marriage...
...and of course... believe in your marriage yourself.<p>You and your family have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Thanks guys.<p>I already have a good attorney. He has drawn up new papers-becuase her and her attorney were putting the shaft to me. She has dismissed her atty and will sign my papers. I will get joint custody with NO childsupport. In return she gets the remaining cash equity out of our home after we pay of our debts. And yes I am in a hurry to get her to sign these-which should be today or tomorrow.<p>Our house is scheduled to close at the end of the month-so I wont be going back.<p>She is also indebted to me and my family somewhat right now becuase my parents just sold her a house they built for less than they built it for so that she could get in it. She has NO family at all except her mother who still lives with the man that molested my wife for years-so no family there.<p>I got angry last night becuase I had the kids while she stayed out of town. She did not even bother to call to check on them, to say good night or even a good morning to them.<p>I don't know if I want to save my marriage or not right now. I have been put through so much and have seen a side of her that I never knew existed. I firmly believe that with her past child abuse and such that she is mentally unstable-maybe Bipolar. But when I think of the kids then I my resolve starts to waver.<p>I really appreciate the advice.

This anger is worrying me. I had to go by my former residence to sign some real estate papers. I wanted to be anywhere other than there with her. I have som much anger inside for her that it scares me.<p>I look at her and I see all the things in life that I despise. <p>When I had to leave, my youngest daughter cried so hard for me not to go. She kept holding my shirt collar as her mom pulled her away. I cried it broke my heart so much. Her mother never batted an eye.<p>I got the feeling that I was looking at a serial killer-one that can block off all emotions.

"I got the feeling that I was looking at a serial killer-one that can block off all emotions."<p>Hey, was my H at your house last night?<p>
I'm in anger therapy now, because according to him "it was all my fault". I've learned that Anger covers many emotions. It's easier to feel angry then deal with the Sadness,disappointment, frustration, and numerous other emotions. Either get into therapy, or use your time to read up on Anger, Angry Marriages, etc. I'm using a discount bookstore to fill my free time. There's even a book called "Fresh Start: Separated/Divorcing Workbook" to help you deal with the emotions, and plan ahead. I have so many books to read, and have been focusing on them rather than on filling out the legal forms. I'm also now crying 5 years of tears for a relationship that wasn't.

Kelson,
Why no child support? Unless you are wealthy, kids are expensive. <p>My x proposed no cs either(I have the kids) in return for her not taking 50% of house and my pension. I wasn't going to go for it,plus my lawyer told me that most judges won't waive C.S. because it is for the kids.

RWD*****
No child support becuase the oldest is my stepdaughter and her father pays childsuport to my W for her.<p>My daughter will be staying with me and my Ex equal amounts of time. We have lose to the same income as well. In my state the judges dont like to award cases such as this but they will if both parties want it and it looks as though it will work.<p>If my Ex wanted C/S then she could get it-even with joint custody. But she is materialistic and wants to move straight from our house that is sold into her own house. So she needs cash for closing and down payment etc. SO I give her the cash out of the house and she agrees. I just hope it goes through court ok-my lawyer seems to think so.<p>Newly***
Could have been yor husband-in drag.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have a ton of mixed emotions right now. I am having a hard time becuase I want to know WHY this happened. I want to know what thought process, what rationale did she use to come to this conclusion. Anger is right there as well.

It sounds to me like "the fog" caused by om in the picture, also possibly brought on by a MLC. My x was pretty much the same way. Once A was discovered, there were a few attempts at reconciliation, but no real effort on her part. I think the one was a test.<p>My x pretty much wanted out of the marriage and there was no looking back on her part. It sounds like this is what is happening in your case,<p>As you can see here, in most cases, the ws is slow in getting the divorce papers, in your case as in mine, they get them started pretty quickly.<p>If you want to save your marriage, proceed slowly, don't do anything out of emotion. I can't say I always did that. There were a number of times I wished my lawyer was open 24/7.<p>Hang in!

I don't know at this point whether I want to save the marriage or not. I do not see how I could ever have the trust or respect for her that a marriage needs. <p>Then I also don't think she is interested in it. She has basically bought her a new house and is moving on it seems.<p>I will not rule out anything, but i dont hold much hope.

Well guys,<p>Things are moving fast. I never knew how emotionless my wife could be.<p>I took my youngest daughter to a counselor yesterday to get advice on how to help her cope. She is having separation anxiety issues. The counselor ir a "christian based" woman who has spent the most time with my wife individually and with us as a couple.<p>The counselor told me that I could have made my marriage work if I had been married to only 1 woman instead of the many different personalities my wife was. I was tod that the divorce was the best thing that could happen to me and my daughter. I was told that I did not need to ever return to my wife-if I valued my daughters well being. The counselor said that at least now my daughter could grow up seeing a normal side of life with me and my family versus grwoing up and dealing with her mom on a daily basis. The counselor said it was probably too late for the oldest daughter. IT IS SAD.<p>It was not what I expected to hear or wanted to hear.<p>My wife is moving into her new home today. I guess this chapter of my life is about to come to an end.

Well it has been a while since I last posted and there have been some huge changes [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>To start, slightly over a week ago, my wife tells me she has had some regrets over everything. I later email her opening the door to reconciliation. We talk etc and decide to try to save this marriage on last time.<p>She has been open and honest about everything so far. We have talked about what we think went wrong and how the OM got in the picture etc.<p>So here is my delima...I still do not trust her. I am not talking about with other men (well 1 at least) but with my emotions. For over a year she has talked divorce, and then later talked about reconciling and then later went back to divorce talk. I have talked to her about this.<p>She said that in the past she always kept the OM around as a safety net when we would try to work things out and now she is not-she has completely ended things with him. <p>I want to let go of my guard and just let it all go and see how things can be...but she is also reserved and wants to go slow (smart I think).<p>So since I am in a different house, we see each other daily dealing with children etc..what is the proper way to go about this? I want to hold her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her all the time. I have missed my wife fiercely.<p>Any ideas? I was at the acceptance point in the grief stages and have been pulled back into this marraige and I want it to work-the right way.<p>We do haev a counseling appointment set up and she is wanting to get back in to church [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Duder, I would run. Run far and fast, my friend.
She cares nothing for you, only for her own feelings. She's talking regret because she hurts.
I've dated women like this. I was engaged to one, too. There was no end to the headgames. You'll know what I'm talking abut when you find a woman who really cares for you.

If you are interested in saving your marriage, just start out slow like when you were first dating. Get to know her again, is she exhibiting any "red flags" that tell you to run.<p>I know the trust issue is hard to restore. I have been divorced 2 yrs and I still don't trust my x. She took our son on vacation with her and her om/h and never gave me flight plans/times or anything. I had an idea where they were staying,om/h's mother in Fl but she didnot give me a phone number or anything like that.
I did find address and phone number through internet search and my son called everyday.<p>Be strong!

It sounds to me like the OM dumped her and she
is coming back to you. I would strongly suggest
that you reread what the counselor said about your
wife and what it means for your child. I am afraid you are in a fog and in denial of who and what she is. Let her wreck your life but not your little girl. What a great quote she said about liking having the OM around as a safety net anytime you got in an argument and you believe everything she
says? I am afraid you are co-dependent and are willing to believe anything. I feel sorry for you and your child. Please reread your messages here and what the counselor said. Must you have a piano
fall on your head to see clearly? I wish you luck because you will need a great deal of it.

HRRRMMM...<p>I don't think that I am seeing the same thing. We have seen 3 counselors over the past 3 years. <p>The one that told me to run away from her-I don't neccesarily trust that counselor. After talking to some friends recently that have used her-she seems to have an agenda of her own. She has actually lied to couples about the other one in individual sessions. So I am discounting her advice. She also told my wife and me early on that it would help our marriage if my wife took a new job out of town, commuted and stayed overnight while we tried to sell the home and relocate.<p>The other counselor is a christain based physchologist who we both have seen alot of. HE is telling me that 1) I have to give her a new chance or else my conscience will bother me later on. I did ask him about codependence and he said that I was not exhiting it. I have had my own life for the 2 months of separation.<p>My wife and I have done a great deal of talking-especially about the OM and our relationship. HER side of the equation is...our marriage had been bad for several years. I did not listen to her, pay her attention and was often critical and negative to her. I can agree with that to a point. She said that the OM came along an showed extreme interest in her - everything about her and paid her attention. She says that her feelings for me have always been there-it was just that whenever we were together we argued over the OM etc. She says taht the 2 months away have sorta made that issue between us die away somewhat and that she has missed me etc.<p>She has had contact with the OM since we decided to work things out. She told me (shich she did not have to) that he loaned her some money to help her move and she wanted to give it back to him. <p>Basically, since we have been having problems I ahve judged my wifes reactions etc by how my gut instinct felt. My gut has proved me correct so far-such as the OM etc. Right now my gut has not given me any flags to look at.<p>I am not blindly going into this thing again. She has agreed to counseling and goes on the 19th. <p>We will see how it goes I guess.<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: Kelson ]</p>

Kelson You sound like your stuck in my dilema.My H left last aug 26th after a dumb argument if I could use our other vehichle for work.It turned into a nightmare that day a man who had never laid a hand on me grabbed me from under the hood of our truck(I can fix them LOL )and my son 21 come up behind him and pulled him off me , he hit the ground and bruised 2 ribs .He holds nothing against (my)our son,he adopted him.I left with my son in other vehichle and reported it to state police,while we were there H called in and complained about me lol.well long story short he called late that night said not coming home.I found out next day he stayed with his asst mngr (f) and stayed there until dec 2,when he got place of his own.He caught me off guard by his actions,had no clu he thought marriage was over.I am no angel trust me ,I have my faults to. 3 affairs that I was not even looking to have,was caught off center after our sons accident and om paid attention to me emotionally where H could have cared less.He was to busy building his career.Before judgement is made here let me explain we had a very extensive mutual sex life together,H had what or who he wanted as long as it was joint venture.So here sits my "fog",I appologized for my solo actions and did everything in my power to get H to return,up until 02/14/02.I still sit and cry over all that has happened,H has called state on me,is finacially trying to freeze us( me and kids),all of his stuff still in house,he moved a hour away.We had to use mediator at court to settle vistation of our 6 yr old daughter,whom he is trying to get custody of,I never saw my H so cold in the 14 yrs we were married.I am bi-polar ,but been in treatment 3 years and on meds.So here is my dilema I unconditionally still love my H,but he will not even try to repair the M.H is a control type person and I got caught in his web of feeling all was my fault.I am asking 1 question to the group.Why did he leave if everything here was more then anyone could have ever asked for? And how do I get unstuck?