I gave my W a Plan B letter last night outlining my feelings for her but that I needed to save myself and look out for what is best for our kids. We have our house for sale and needed to talk about the game plan so that this process doesn't take a long time. She is in a "fog" because of her A and doesn't fully understand the magnitude of the decisions that face her at this time of her life.<p>I tried to talk to her about what it is she is looking for in life, how her counseling sessions are going, and why she continues her A. Those were topics she refused to talk about and in fact told me they were none of my business. She also doesn't believe she should be accountable for her time or money spending because we are seperated. (she sleeps at her parents house)<p>I'm just tired of going round and round with her...She says she doesn't want to be married and OM isn't influencing her, while I say I understand she doesn't want to work on the marriage because she is caught up in A. She says we are at different points and can't get them to join together. I told her OM was getting in the way of that and our kids don't deserve to be put through this.<p>Anyway, I started plan B last night. It will be difficult to totally seperate from having contact with her because of the kids but I will try to avoid her. I hope this works because telling her I didn't want anything to do with her while A is ongoing was very difficult to do. I didn't sleep last night. Any advice?
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Yes,<p>you need to talk to her in only I terms, anything else is a disrespectful judgement, presuming that you know what's best for her. . . her counseling sessions are not yours, and do not badger her or ask her about them . . . she will talk if she can trust you. . .<p>you need to start working on you, not her or the relationship. I suspect that you are committing LB without even realizing it. . . any sentences other than questions should not begin with "you" . . . that may be your projection, that may be putting her on the defensive. . . .<p>i say read up on disrespectful judgements NOW! and start practicing correct communication. . .<p>if you are feeling frustrated with your W, what words do you use in telling her? how doyou phrase it? there is a correct way and a blaming, disrespectful way. . . . what's your way?<p>wiftty

Hey you!<p>Keep it as simple as possible. That way there is less to remember if your emotions threaten to take over.<p>Don't let her lean on you, don't lean on her. Think of it as practice in case you end up getting divorced. The only thing you have in common is the kids. If she calls you, hand the phone right to the kids. If you call her, keep the polite banter to "I would you like to speak with Kid A please." <p>It will be hard to get used to. It is hard to feel like you have no best friend.<p>Go ahead and email me whenever. I never sleep anyway. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Elizabeth

I realize that I am committing LB but they just seem to come out when the pain I feel is just brushed off by her. I am so frustrated with her continuing the A with my boss. I live with this day and night, everyday and it's taking its toll. <p>I have tried to be nice and polite. I take care of everything around the house. I have completely turned my life around, not that it was so bad before, and look forward to my future. I still hope she is my wife in the future but for now she will just have to be the mother of our kids. I don't want to go through divorce because I feel that is the last option when and only when you've exausted other options. I'm not saying I will put up with this forever, but for now I will work on plan B and take care of myself and our boys.<p>I hope she comes out of the fog soon so she can start working on her real life and not the fantasy world she is in.

MT in AK,
Hi, I just started Plan B on Monday, we are seperated and have 2 children. Plan B is very difficult with children. My biggest problem is keeping my mouth shut so that I stick to Plan B. I asked her for a hug the other day, of course the answer was no. Here are a few things that I am working on to help;
1) Limit the time when exchanging the kids, i don't even go into her apartment when dropping them off.
2) Only call if it is urgent regarding the children, e-mail otherwise regarding schedules, etc.
3) Don't accept calls from her, I let them go into voice mail and then check them to see if it is anything urgent
4) And a new one that I learned today, take a deep breath and count to 10 before speaking, don't let your emotions take over, if you have any doubt about what you are going to say, don't say anything.
Hope this helps, I know it is very hard, I miss my wife sooo much.
Dave

To MT in AK:<p>I just started plan A yesterday and am having a hell of a time with plan A. I still feel my wife loves me. But I believe she is also in contact with the OM. Which as you said doesn't help the situation. I feel if I continue with plan A I could lose her all together. We don't have any kids. My wife is also in a fog. Do you have any advice on the mistakes you may have made in plan A that I should know about? I never dreamed I would still be around if my wife had an affair... here I am, dying inside. I love my wife.

Take all the Plan B advice just given!<p>I can tell you from experience that you can really mess things up if you LB while in Plan B. It only makes the WS mad.<p>The point of Plan B is to let the OP meet all of your WS's EN's - so you have to eliminate or at least severly restrict contact with them.<p>It's difficult, but not impossible. E-mail, voice mail, answering machine, fax, third party are all ways to communicate. They don't have to speak to you in person. Take it one day at a time. The hurt doesn't go away overnite, but you will be able to handle it better as time goes on. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and the kids. See a counselor if necessary. Vent here. And the take 10 seconds to cool off before speaking or acting is about the best advice I've heard - I have to make it 20 seconds in my case, but it keeps you from doning anything rash.<p>As for Plan A - and Plan B - the plans are your ersponse to your WS's ongoing affair. The affair won't stop immediately, and it HURTS! I can barely deal with it, but that is why you vent here, have a support system, and work on yourself. Anything no to focus on their relationship. <p>Good Luck. K

Plan A was hard for me too, I put a list together and posted it everywhere - office, home, by the
phone,etc. Biggest thing in Plan A is not to LB.
Respect her decisions, even if you don't always agree with them, don't try to tell her what is right and wrong, allow her the time and space to figure this out on her own. Don't try to have her friends, family, etc take sides, in other words don't tell people that what she is doing is wrong.
Use this time to work on yourself, in time you will be able to demonstrate the improvements that you have made for yourself, this will make you a more attractive person to her. Most A will die a natural death, about 95% of them die in 6 monhts to 2 years after being exposed, allow time for the A to die on its own, don't try to influence it. The more you stir things up, the more you will drive her to the OM and fuel the A. This is very difficult to do, but the better you do this the better your chances will become. Good luck and hang in there, it is a long tough roller coaster.<p>Here was my list:
No Pressure
No Criticizing
No Complaining
No Whining
No Relationship Discussions
Respect Her Decisions
100% Her Way
Go At Her Pace
Happy/Confident w/self
Be Fun and Loving
Don’t Expect Change Overnight
Can’t Force Someone to Change
Let Go!
Shift Focus from her to you
Become a Better Person

I am the BS. Men, hang in there! I am a woman and will tell you that she is in a fog. Be nice, polite, and keep your distance for now. She needs to know what it is like without you. She will miss the family unit. If there are enough units in her bank she will miss you too. Please, no LBs. She is probably not going to have her EN met by the affair. I have children and cannot imagine breaking up the only home they have known. Your WS needs plan B to figure this out. Hang in there. You are not alone here. We are hurting with you and are here to give you support.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. What is so difficult is that we do have kids whose needs must be met even thought this crap is going between their parents. Plus, we don't have seperate places to live yet. She sleeps at her parents but then comes home in the morning to help get the kids ready for school after I have made their breakfast and got ready for work. She doesn't have email, at least she never uses it anymore once she found out I could track her movements through it. That was several months ago and I don't think she would like emailing me anyway.<p>I said goodbye and I love you to the boys this morning, gave them a hug and kiss, and then walked out the door. I wonder what she thought when I just ignored her and left without even saying a word to her.

MT in AK,
Just wanted to say good job this morning. I know it is hard. I have the same situation but my WS has her own apt. now. I have our 2 kids every workday night and every other weekend. I get them up in the morning, get them ready to go, bring them over to her place, work all day and then go and pick them up around 6pm. It is not easy. I know you want to reach out to her but if you are doing Plan B then you did well this morning. She is probably wondering what the heck is going on, you have probably surprised her but you need to keep this up every morning.... hang in there.
Dave

I do wonder what she is thinking when I just walk out the door in the morning. <p>She said hello to me this morning when she came in the house. I didn't reply. When I was getting my coat on to leave, she said "have a good day at work". Again I just walked out without saying anything to her. Am I doing this right? Or do I at least say hello when she says it first?<p>Is there such a thing as plan A/B where you use some of both principles? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]