I've been a lurker here for over a year, and this is my second official post. And although I've never spoken with any of you, I know of many of your struggles and victories. I never felt the need to post because I've managed to figure most of my stuff out, and didn't have much to offer that hadn't already been addressed here before.
But things have been happening here recently that I'm really struggling with.<p>I was married nine years and have been divorced for five years. The marriage was emotionally/verbally abusive, and occasionally physically. He's a lawyer, and I knew what I would be up against if we did divorce. He's extremely controlling. He always told me "I'll make sure you never see those kids," and I believed him. When I mentally and emotionally couldn't take it any more, we divorced. Remarkably there was NO money, he said, in savings, or anywhere else. I left that marriage with a ten-year old car, about a third of the furniture, and nothing else. My kids were with me, and I started to college.<p>I had finished junior college and planned to move 100 miles away to finish my degree, but he forbade me to move. By this time he had remarried. I was living in student housing, he lived in a 4000 square foot house. He took me to court for custody of the kids -- in the small town where we live, and where he practices. Although there never were, and never have been, allegations that I was an unfit mother, I couldn't provide the standard of living that he could, his new wife was there during the day to keep MY children. So, although we technically have joint custody, they live with him. I see them three out of four weekends, all summer, all spring break, and all of Christmas, except Christmas day. We talk on the phone every day. We do our homework together. We couldn't be closer, unless we actually lived together. We're holding up.<p>At that time he told the court as long as I was in school that I didn't have to pay child support. Then he changed his mind and filed for child support. He makes over $100,000 a year. I make less than 18,000. We live in one of 15 states in the U.S. that calculate child support solely on the non-custodial parent's income. Again, the impartial judge decided that not only did I have to pay child support, I get to pay half their insurance, which is a benefit that even he doesn't pay. Court costs. Retroactive child support. And now I live on $600 a month. <p>I will get my B.S. degree this summer, and will then move back to be near my kids, and start graduate school. What I'm dealing with now is wondering if the control and continued intimidation will EVER stop. And wondering how in the heck I'm going to survive, and eat. This is all about punishment because I couldn't deal with the abuse anymore. And I know that his goal is to completely break me down, keep me destitute and hopeless.<p>BUT . . . I'm not going to quit. I will get my degreee and then my kids. They both cannot wait to be old enough for what they want to matter. I will succeed. It's like the harder he pushes to break me down, the more I'm resolved not to give up.<p>Sometimes, though -- often lately -- I just get scared. Because I DO feel intimidated. I AM scared. I just wish he would let go and get on with his life. And I've been successful, for the most part, in not hating him. But doggone, it would sure be easy to.<p>Sorry for the long saga. The point is, for anybody going through the first stages of a divorce, protect yourself. Do not be deceived into believing that the person who looks just like your spouse is NOT the person that you married and has no interest in anything but how much they can take financially -- and often emotionally -- from what used to be your marriage. Once it's taken from you, you'll never get it back. Please, look out for yourself.<p>Ellie<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: ElleT ]</p>

You situation is not unusual although it is mostly men who are in your position. My XW got everything - kids, money, stuff. Then she got married to a lawyer. Your position on persevering is quite true. That is what separates the survivors from the victims.

Ellie,
You are to be commended for what you have done and are doing! Keep on perservering.<p>A friend of mine was divorced about 15 yrs ago, and the woman got the kids after lots of court battles. She then moved 500 miles away and got restraining orders to keep him away from the kids. her and her om/h keep taking the kids on expensive trips on all the school breaks and vacations limiting the time available to have the kids.<p>About 2 yrs ago his youngest was about to graduate from college but was a few credits short and his mother started giving him grief about not graduating. He came home to visit his father and the mother sent him a bill for college loan (The father had been paying child support all these years)and demanded he return the car they had bought them.<p>So son said screw it and took the car back and got loan to pay off the school loan and moved in with his father and his family.<p>The mother ended up having another affair and divorcing the om/h and the son barely speaks to her. She is again in her own little world and now doesn't have her kids around.<p>My friend is now making up for lost time with his kids. The son is now in the Marines and doing fine. He is talking about finishing his enlishment and moving back near his father. He met a local girl her and looks like he is planning on marrying her and settling down here.<p>There is hope for you and your kids. It sounds like you have been able to keep a relationship going with them, so that is on the positive side.<p>Best of luck.<p>Hang in.

You hang in there! You're tough and it's gonna be okay. And you always have us.<p>I divorced 4years ago and did not ask for child support because 1 child lived with me (8 yrs old) and the 16 year old (who had a job and bought everything for himself) stayed with the ex. AND in lieu of child support, the ex was supposed to pay a joint debt that equaled $400 per month for 4years. A few months after the divorce, he called and asked me to pay 1/2 of the debt. I agreed, forgetting that it was the 'deal' when we divorced. <p>Well, the debt is almost paid now (I paid a little less than half) and the 16 year old graduated (his dad never bought any food--the kid always came over to eat at my house and his dad b*tched about the electricity the boy used!) and moved out of town two years ago. So, the ex is living on easy street. He would buy maybe $100 worth of stuff for my 8yr old (now 12) daughter maybe twice a year. And last year I asked him to pay for 1/2 of girl scout camp and he refused.<p>SOOO, I filed for child support and it's finally come to the court time and that sorry b*stard has the nerve to respond to the filing with this phrase 'the suit was brought frivolously and intended to harrass' him. Oh, give me a break. Court is on April 12 and I can't wait. <p>What's happened to you isn't fair but I never cease to be amazed at what complete and total alien life forms divorce brings out in spouses.

Elle, <p>I realize your not married to the man anymore
but I think you'd benefit from getting yourself
into a domestic support group and counseling from someone who understands domestic violence..that way you can learn new coping mechanisms to help you in dealing with him..<p>And until you learn these things..and learn to stand up for yourself against him..he will always try and control you..

If there is anymore legal action between you two, could your attorney not request a change of venue to an area where the judge will not know your husband?<p>By the way, more power to you!<p>You go, girl!

ElleT,
In some states there are monies available for women who had ended abusive relationships and are trying to make it on their own..check with local shelters, support groups, or even the welfare department..and speaking of welfare..you may qualify for food stamps or assistance..you may want to check it out.<p>A friend that was in a similar circumstance actually got welfare and the system helped her go back to court on the premise that he was still emotionally and mentally abusive...the children were removed and returned to her, and the whole child support issue was revisited...and now she's receiving quite a settlement and monthly support from him...something to think about.
T

Elle --
So sorry to hear of your struggles. I think Cinderalla gave you an important piece of advice -- with you living in a small community and your Ex being an attorney -- you must have some recourse to make sure you're being treated fairly. And that he's not using his network of colleagues to push for his way.<p>How old are your children? And how soon can they make the decision for themselves on where they live?<p>One other thought -- while you are still a student, you may qualify for free (or cheap) legal services. Many colleges offer this assistance. So you may want to think about starting custody proceedings while you still qualify.

I just got the documents from court back today. It feels like yet another attack. He gets insurance free from work, yet I have to pay him $200 because that's what he says it would cost. And that's on top of the child support, which actually is less than it would have been because I spend as much time with them as I do. I have $650 a month to live on -- and that's not after rent, food, insurance, or anything else. Thankfully I live in the dorm right now so I should still be able to survive until I graduate.<p>Cinderella, I've asked about change of venue before and it's always been denied. Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is.<p>I have recieved counseling since my divorce -- lots. And it has helped. But to say that he can't control me anymore simply isn't true. And that's exactly what he's doing by financially devasting me, and with the blessings and assistance of the judicial system. But, as I stated earlier I believe, he can't control my outlook or happiness, unless I let him. And since that seems to be about the only thing he can't control, I'll be dad-gummed if he's going to make me totally miserable. I believe that there will come a day when he won't be able to perpetuate his sick need to control me, and I'm doing everything possible to make sure it happens.<p>When I read the legal papers today I just had to cry. And I had a pretty good sob session. I think I feel a little better now. Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement. I am going to do this. Success and happiness are the best revenge. <p>Ellie<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: ElleT ]</p>

Wow! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I am kind of new to the forums here and just got to the divorce area tonight and read your post. Please hang tough!! I really want to divorce my husband but am trying to wait another 5 years and just live a peaceful cohabitation so that by then my son will be 18 and my daughter will be about 15 and it will be SOMEWHAT easier for them (I have no delusions that it still won't be hard on them no matter what).<p>My husband is not the controlling one, it is his parents. They have ruined my life from the day I met my husband and I can't wait to be rid of them. But, if I try to leave now, they would do everything to turn my kids against me etc. I have no family of my own other than my kids...my dad died when I was 7 months along with my son (He was very worried about me at the time...my mother in law was being horrible to me and let me know that if she could get my then-boyfriend, now-husband to break up with me, she was taking my baby too) and my mother just passed away 2 years ago. I tried to have a normal, happy life with my husband, but, I don't love him. His family is horrible to me and I have tried to leave before but he begs me not to. But, I have reached the point that when the time comes that the kids are older, I am going. <p>Anyway, I just started posting here, mostly under the infidelity issues because I am trying with all of my might to avoid that issue, but, tonight I came here to "divorce" and read your story....you give me courage for when my time comes. My hat goes off to you!

How awful for you. But I'm sure his true colors will show & the new wife will get the brunt of it!
Its not fair what hes been able to do. <p>It looks like YOU dont have an attorney? Some will accept payment on a sliding scale. Most of the time the initial consultation is free. Ask your counselor if they can recommend someone. I'm sure some office at your college has counseling services, where you at least could call a hotline for some legal assistance. You can't do this on your own. I hope you find a good attorney quick. It will give you great peace of mind, to let them represent you & not have to deal with so much of it yurself. I found most prefer $750 to $1500 for a retainer, but many will take a look at your paper & offer advice during a "consultation" without hiring them. FIND THE LEGAL REFERRAL SYSTEM AT YOUR COLLEGE!! Hang in there.<p>How can you be considered the "non custodian" parent if you have "Joint Custody" ? I think you need to file for "maitenance" from him. What a heartless jerk!! But what goes around, comes around. He'll get his misery one way or another.

CantLetGo -- I do have a lawyer. And, believe it or not, a good one. I feel like I sound paranoid, but as long as the case stays in that town, I don't think I have a chance. Last time we went to court, the first thing the judge said was, "I don't want to hear about waiving child support, it doesn't exist. And I don't want to hear a word about how much money HE makes." And this was before either side had said a single word. Unfortunately -- and unbelieveably -- that is the law in this state, that even though my ex is a lawyer, and he signed court documents saying he waived child support while I was in school, the law doesn't recognize the waiver. <p>I've gathered some information on child support reformation in my state and federally. And I'm finding out that my situation isn't an uncommon one at all. It's also a tactic used by controlling ex-spouses who are intent upon punishing their exes. In 75% to 90% of cases nationwide where the ex-husband is abusive, makes more money, and has remarried, he will get custody.<p>I'm also learning about abuse of the child support system as it applies to men and women. Initially it was intended to keep children of divorced parents off of welfare, and has evolved into an unrealistic and unrecoverable debt. I've always heard that education is empowering, and it's true.<p>Again, thanks for the support. I'm doing everything I can to meet my obligations, and I'm going to become involved in making a difference in the laws in this state. Wish me luck!!<p>Ellie