My husband left last May to be with his secretary. I am still filled with anger towards them,especially her. I know I need to forgive for my own health and peace of mind, but how? We had 4 kids together so I still have to deal with him and it seems like he is always doing or saying something damaging to them that just fills me with rage, I always have a knot in my stomach.

Lonely mom,<p>I have been on this site now (mostly lurking) for three yrs.. My ex left in nov, of 98.. thanks giving day..!!!<p>the reason I am telling you this, is because my ex had an OW too.. an old friend of his from high school, that is also married, (to this day, as a matter of fact) and he thought the grass would be greener on the other side.. <p>No. 1) it took me two yrs to get past those feeling you are having.. and it seemed like eternity during those two yrs too.. but I went right into plan B, (and we have one daughter too, that we had to talk about as well, but we did it via e-mials, because I would NOT talk to him face to face, I lost total respect for this man, (during that time) so this is not going to go away, due to the fact that there was no closure FOR YOU, and he is still with his OW, which means there can`t be any closure (FOR YOU), but he on the other hand has gotten past this, (while in his fog) and is not acting indifferent, and won`t UNTIL the fog lifts completely, which could be a while if he remains with her.. but the facts are that these relationships do not last.. so yeah it could take antoher yr or so, but beleive me, it WON`T LAST.. I can tell you that much.. mark my words.<p>Now for NO. 2) my ex, after three (3!!!) long yrs, finally saw the lite, the fog lifted, (so far only some what), BECAUSE... the OW "IS" still married, and she never left he H, so the ex, now sees this bimbo is never going to leave her H for him, sooooo he is just NOW!! coming back around to me..! but it is ever so slow.. because he is still on talking terms with this (I call her perdue) witch.. so she can still pull he strings, so to speak.. but guess what..??? "I" am NOW the OW to her.. he is spending alot more time with us, (daughter and I) and saying things to make me feel like he is seeing what he left and perhaps he MAY come around, totally.. but that is neither here nor there right now, YET..<p>the reason I am writting you, after hearing this whole senario.. is that NO ONE!! and I mean NO ONE ever knows how things are going to end up.. it "IS" all a HUGE matter of time, and in that time, he "IS" going to find out more and more about this woman, (after the honey moon is over) and perhaps wake up from his fog.. so don`t kid your self.. <p>remain aloof.. do not play into what is going on in his life.. go out, try and enjoy YOUR life, and allow him to see you have moved on, HAPPILY, (even if it kills you, fake it!) and I can not stress enough, how they all think, oh my god.. she is really over me.. wow, what is going on.. and they ALL!! start coming around, like waht happened to you.. whats going on with you.. all of a sudden, they are happy for us, but also extremely curious as well.. <p>I know it sounds crazy.. but for some odd reason, is does happen.. but I also know it is only a yr for you, so it is still salt to your wound.. so it is still going to take some time.. show confidence, never allow him to see ANY insecurity.. and smile... smile... smile... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>you take GOOD care of you OK. <p>take care.. AV

I read a really good book that helps you work through the Anger and leads you to forgiveness. I can't remember what it's called - I'm sorry - but when I find the name I'll post it. Anyway, there are lots of books out there to help us deal with anger and forgiveness. I'd brouse around and see if any caught your atention. I borrowed mine from our church's library - the spiritual director gave it to me. Maybe someone at your church has some similar resources. <p>I'm learning that mostly it takes time, and a refocus on ourselves, and then when we get ourtselves together, what the WS does doesn't mean as much because we are not dependent upon them for our happiness anymore.<p>I wish there were some easy answers. K

Lonely,<p>I too have trouble with forgiveness and anger. Although my anger has changed from all consuming to periodic, to less intense, to different issues regarding divorce and affairs, etc, It takes time. It has been almost 2 years from Dday and our divorce is "final" on 2/6/02. <p>Forgiveness is a tough one. it is a PROCESS and if you are willing to consider it, then that is the first step. I am reading Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud (highly recommended purchase) and in it they say " Forgiveness is very had. It means letting go og something that someone "owes" you. Forgiveness is freedom from the past; it is freedom from the abusive person who hurt you."
"To forgive means we will never get from that person what was owed us. And that is what we don not like, because that involves grieving for what will never be:the past will not be different." Forgivenss is not denial and NOT Reconcilliation. Two separate acts. <p>Don't rush it. Allow yourself to vent the anger, get rid of it but do NOT sin because of it. Anger is OK. It will ease, in time.<p>In the beginning, and even now sometimes, I wish that I could fast forward my life 2 years so I wouldn't have to live thru this but the Reality and the most healthy way, is THRU it. It sucks but on the other side it will be wonderful. <p>Don't be hard on yourself. This is all a process, the grieving process.<p>May God be with you,<p>hopelessmom

Thank you all for the very thoughtful answers. It sure helps to know you're not the only one going through this.

Lonely,<p>I forgave my WH, from the very first, he's ill, MLC. I don't have much respect for him, and am angry at him a lot of the time. <p>But I am to forgive those who do wrong against me. So I did. <p>Then I can deal with all of the other crap he sends my way. It's easier when I am not angry from the hurt he has caused. I am just angry cause he's a jerk and that I can't help him with.<p>Does that make any sense? Really it does to me!!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Lonely Mom - A good book is " Forgive and Forget; Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve " by Lewis Smedes.<p>I've also recently read that time doesn't make anything better, it's what we do with that time..<p>Anger is appropriate, I think it's part of the "lesson"..<p>Prayers<p>Dan

Lonely Mom,
As you can see by my sig line my WH left nearly the same time yours did, so I understand the place you are at.<p>HOWEVER, I couldn't continue to feel the anger and rage, resentment I did at first toward him, because if truth be told (and I DID have to face the truth), I was 50% responsible for the train wreck that our M had become.<p>Once I faced that hard truth, forgiving HIM became as easy as forgiving myself! That took some doing. Yes, it's true, I didn't MAKE him go look up an old g/f and start seeing her. No, I didn't MAKE him pack his stuff and drive 180 miles to go live with her. No, I didn't MAKE him sneak around town and find a lawyer and wait days and days for the D papers to be mailed to me and then HI-TAIL it out of town that very day and leave nothing but a NOTE on the TV for me to find out.....He did all of THOSE gutless things on his own! <p>But I guess I had become such a SHREW, a nag, a Witch, (and had acted that way for a LONG time) that he felt he had NO CHOICE but to try to "improve" his life. Well, now he'll have to deal with ALL the choices he continues to make.<p>But to forgive him for his choices, I had to take a good, hard look at MY choices all along the way, too, and realize I was not the model wife...and I own part of the responsibility of where we find ourselves today.<p>This book title recommended by Godly Man made me think of something else too:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> " Forgive and Forget; Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve " by Lewis Smedes.
<hr></blockquote>
"Hurts We Don't Deserve" ?!?!?! Sorry, but unless I AM perfect, I can't take that title (of underserving of being let down and disappointed by my H's shortcomings and bad decisions).<p>Those thoughts of the Hurts I had imparted on my H made me realize I HAD NO RIGHT to hold onto the anger toward him. He probably DID what HE DID through anger directed AT ME! I wasn't so all-fired perfect, ya know?<p>Anyway, that is where I am at 10 months to the day of WH leaving me. I hope it helps you. Of course, a lot of prayer led me to the place of being able to forgive myself and him.......<p>God Bless,<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: lupolady ]</p>