WH sent D papers the 14th of February. I sent a letter back asking yet once again for WH to explain why this has happened to our marriage and family, took him a week to reply.<p>Anyways I sent a letter stating what it is I want and require from this divorce. Lawyers advised the more we get negotiated the less their bills will be.<p>I asked for way more then I expect to get, but figured I needed a starting point.<p>Wasn't sure how it was I was going to feel about sending this letter, have had it typed for over a week, not so bad almost a sense of relief.<p>I plan A'd, and did everything that I could to restore this marriage, to no avail. WH didn't want any part of restoration and that is something that has been very hard for me to accept, but reality has set in!! The mothership has kept this one!!<p>Just needed to share this evening. Am here with 3 teenagers watching Dirty Dancing again!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Dawn,
How's the movie going?? Dirty Dancing is one of my D's favorite movies! They know all of the words and songs too. Great movie to watch with teenagers!! <p>I have written a plan B letter which I have yet to give my H...been too afraid. Hearing that it made you feel relieved, makes me think I should give it to him. Relief would feel good right about now. I have also filed for divorce. My H has told me that he doesn't want to split the assets from our summer home because he is going to deed it to the kids and one of our savings accoutns (which was set aside for college tuitions) he doesn't want to split. He also told me that his side jobs shouldn't be counted when calculating child support because "why should he be penalized because he works hard" GAG ME!! So, I am glad to hear to that you have requested more than you expect to get. It sounds like I am going to have to do the same thing if I am going to be able to survive. <p>Well, enjoy the rest of Dirty Dancing!! Have a good night.
BH

BH,<p>Was a good movie, am watching Dr T and the women or whatever.<p>I never did do a plan B letter.<p>I sure hope you have a good lawyer, sounds like you are really going to need one!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Daybreak
I feel the same as you ...I have tried everything..my H never wanted to make an attempt to fix what was wrong...so here we are after 20 yrs...who would have thought it...22 yrs and I am losing my best friend. Anyway...guilt and shame are wonderful things when you are trying to get a divorce. He can't even talk to me in person anymore. He wants to email me. I think it's because when he see me, "reality" hits him in the face. He realizes what a position he has put me in....today I figured out that after my support is done....I will have to sell my house. I highly doubt that I can get a job that will cover his support and my little job now. It's going to be tough. Doesn't this just s*ck!!!???<p>Dirty Dancing is one of my all time favorites...I rememer the first time I saw it. Yeah...it was with my H and another couple...oh well...that couple is divorced too. SAD!<p>I'm glad you guys are here tonight.
MAX [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

FAS,<p>WH hasn't been able to look me in the face for quite sometime, (Makes it easier when he lives 800 miles away)<p>We have many things incommon it seems, have been married almost 21 years, friends for almost 23, 3 kids, WH MLC.<p>Being here, is why I start threads like the one over on GQ II, sometimes we just need to talk and not be that deep with what we are saying.<p>Hey I just noticed that all of us here so far have been married about the same length of time. It would be interesting to compare notes to see if the length of our marriages has anything to do with the demise of our marriages.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Hi Dawn,
My lawyer seems OK, but I guess I don't have any thing or anyone to compare him with. It took TWO WEEKS for the filing papers to be served to my H! I do hope things go better than that from here on in! <p>I noticed the similarities too! There seems to be a lot of MLC victims on this site. I wonder why some men choose fast cars and others choose affairs!! My BIL chose a mustang...my H chose a phillie!! I hope next Sat. night we will find something exciting and fun to do!!
BH

Yes...we do need to do something fun and exciting next weekend!! We all seem to have so much in common. My almost 18 yr old asked me once....how come he didn't just buy a sports car?????? He even noticed!! I also can't believe that I am in that small percent of woman whose H leaves and lives with the OW....it seems to me that many WH's might not even leave.....or they leave and they still try to work it out. I am sure that as soon as my H gets his divorce...he will marry her...I am sure that is a small percent too. Now I hope like heck that they fall into a second marriage that fails because they started out with an affair.....but I don't think that is going to happen. I have a weird feeling about it....I think he will be with her for the rest of his life. <p>Talk to you all soon!<p>MAX [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

BH,<p>Let's see next weekend the GF that I was to have gone out with this weekend and I are trying again. Friend from HS, haven't spent much time with her lately.<p>I still haven't hired a lawyer meet with two different one, WH hired the 1st I liked the 2nd, so will go with him.<p>I do wonder about surviving this MLC thing, It has played on my psychie. I would like to find out and maybe I'll start a thread of those married close to or over 20 years that are going through this.<p>FSA,<p>Yes I see WH with OW the rest of their lives, that hurst and hurts like H3!! It's not suppose to happen that way!! They are suppose to fit into the percentages put forth. The revisionist thinking on his part really hurts, too. He never wrote many mushy letters or anything but I did save the few he wrote, so I do have written proof.<p>I've told this one before but got such a kick out of it. My 16 yo D and her BF were sitting in my kitchen and he was telling how his dad had just bought a red sports car used of course and my D pipes up and says "I wish my dad had been that smart" They do know so much!!<p>My D did write a letter to her dad, I didn't think she's send it but did, so now her and her dad have a better dialogue going then ever before, and he is re-commited to being the best father he can be. But wont tell D about OW when she asks. I wonder is he going to have two lives, one with the kids and one with her? Just odd.<p>Sorry for the ramble.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dawn
In Jan., my H had an emotional breakdown....I was there to pick up the pieces for him and then he went home to her. But while we talked ...I told him how he has to put us all in compartments....because we all don't fit in his life. Work....HER...me and the boys....believe it or not...he agreed. He can't talk to us or my kids about her...we don't want to hear it. He can't talk to her about many things in the past 22 yrs....because I was his best friend for 22 yrs....when he talks about the kids...I'm sure that she listens..but she doesn't care....they are my kids..and she didn't care about them when she slept with my H. Anyway...he has to juggle everything in his life. Work is probably the only thing that is going good...although, she works there now too. He can never get away from her now!
My 14 yr old sent my H an email about 4 months ago...he said "it's like we don't have a Dad anymore"...my H blamed me for that! He didn't get it....I never even knew that he sent an email.
But my H just didn't realize what he has done to the kids. He was so worried about the other woman ....nothing else mattered. This is a man that was the very best DAD. This is such a disapointment. <p>I am sure he is waiting for me to emailhim back with my settlement ideas. We are trying to do as much as possible without the lawyers. This stinks.<p>HAve a good day tomorrow!
MAX<p>Okay...sorry for the length...

FAS,<p>I sent the letter Saturday and still haven't heard anything back. I did ask for a large sum and for him to maintain insurance with kids and I as benfactors. I do have a figure in my head that I will settle on, asked for way more as I was pissed, but also to give me some negotiating room, also through in there that neither could marry for a year, like I said I was pissed that I was having to do this at all.<p>We should compare notes as to what we have asked for in our settlements.<p>WH has said along that we need to work out as much as we can without using the lawyers as then he will have more to share with kids and I.<p>I re-read the papers from WH and I seen that there is a restraining order automatically put forth. So I guess he will have to find somewhere else to stay when he comes for Easter. And the kids can't leave the state. Ahhh too bad!!<p>I don't know, I'm usually not this mean at all, must be Monday!! WH says that this is what he wants and knows that it will work out. I so hate the revisioning that he is doing, I so want to smack him up along the side somedays.<p>
Oh well, tomorrow is my oldest D b-day, she'll be 17. I went and filled her locker up with ballons after school and will refill it every period through out the day. It's sso much fun working at school with her!!!<p>Have a great Tuesday.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Daybreak
My H is really being very good about what he is going to give me....he is a very good man...(i can't believe I said that)...and he is very fair and honest (okay, except when it comes to being married...) I ask for something and he gives it to me...tonight he was even a little flirty on the phone. I try not to read anything into these things...because he goes home to the OW. Someimes I get so aggravated ....if there was no OW he would be home...I know it with all of my heart. <p>I got off track a little....I need to call my lawyer tomorrow....(she is so mean and expensive), I have a few questions on his pension and taxes....and how much money I am going to owe her when all of this is done....I have paid her over $4000....and she has really done NOTHING!!!! Am I divorced yet??? No...her and her secretary are very bitter women! I think that I will get so much more from my H than she would have ever gotten. My H's lawyer disagrees with everything that my H wants to give me. His lawyer hates mine and it would just be messy....I still can't believe thatr "i" have a lawyer!<p>I fill you in tomorrow!
MAX

One other thing....I told my H...when I give you a figure or I say that I need something...it isn't negotiable....I am not going to play games. He knows me...I am not going to mess with him...so far it has been working.<p>MAX

FAS,<p>Just a quick post as I am on my way out the door again!!<p>What did the lawyer say today?<p>I started high on my amounts as I have a figure in my head that is the stopping point, I will not accept anything lower then that amount. So will give a little to let them think they have some power, NOT!!!!!<p>Called SIL last night and WH father is having surgery on Friday and he probably doesn't know, I shouldn't have to been the one to tell him though. But he doesn't call home often says that they were never that close anyways always felt closer to her parents, HA! Revisionist thinking yet again!!<p>Am out the door the kids at school our playing that signaled out game, suppose to be something from MTV. My D is a contesant. The one who's b day it is today, had a ball with her at school balloons kept falling out of her locker all day, had a senior sing to her everytime he seen her in the hallway. She didn't know that I was behaind it all!!!<p>Will check later,<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just an FYI,<p>Got home from school, and checked e mail, why I don't know!!!<p>E mail from WH responding to my request UGH!!
I hate this, Why did I give him 21 years? Why, why, why? He didn't deserve that much from me.<p>I had really hoped to be strong thru all of this, but he just keeps picking the dates, (DV papers on Valentines, this on D's B day) that can effect me, still have 2nd daughters birthday coming and the anniversary of our wedding day, I hate to see what he does that day!! I've always been a good person, what did I do to deserve to be treated like this? It's so sad to realize my marriage has come to this, and I can't do anything about this.<p>Just a vent, I am so tired of this, I'm tired of being strong!! I'm tired of hurting and crying! I thought that I was beyond this crap!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Daybreak---<p>HANG IN THERE!!!! Tomorrow will be a better day. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MAX

Today was a better day!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Got an email with an apology from WH, hope that it made him feel better!!<p>Had a great day at school.........
Only took two tries to draw blood today for testing.....
My midweek kids were already in class and waiting on me to get there tonight..........
Heard from 3 friends that I haven't heard from for sometime............<p>Yep!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It was a good day!! Hope that yours was too!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Daybreak,<p>He picks those significant days because he knows he can push your buttons.<p>Please recognize it as his "control-freakishness" (like that word?). See it as his immature way of TRYING to get at you, but you are way above all that crap to fall for it!!!<p>My mediator immediately recognized those characteristics in my STBX and advised me to "stay out of the game". Because that is what your STBX is doing, playing games with you.<p>It's funny now after 14 months seeing the tables turned around on ole-hubby. I was in the negotiation stage with a mediator and now have to pursue this through lawyers because I'm not going to play his games.<p>He tried to drag out the negotiation process (6 months now) thinking I would never go to a lawyer (He told the mediator that I don't have the money to seek legal council! Like what does he know after 14 months of separation???)<p>It took me a long time but now anything that comes out of his mouth I can now say "Whatever" instead of "allowing" him to get under my skin.<p>You seem to be moving on with your life just fine, just think in 1 year you'll look back and be in a better place. In 2 years you'll look back and laugh at the "stupid STBX tricks". [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Daybreak
How are you doing? What movie are yougoing to watch this weekend? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Talked to my H about settlement...alot happened...he needs a slap in the head and boy I would love to be the one to give it to him! <p>He had a figured out "my budget" after the divorce....first of all...I know it is not his business...but I figured I'd look at it and I told him that he didn't have enough down for food....we have two teens and all they do is eat! He told me I should be more careful with what I buy!!!!! I told him he needed to mind his own business! He seems to have forgotten how much boys eat...especially since he is now dealing with a 7 yr old child (boy)! He also said he "needed" the divorce because he "needs" to see his boys.....getting the picture of thw ords he uses? I told him I don't want to hear about his needs ....we have been dealing with his needs and wants for over 8 months now. I know...it also doesn't follow plan A or B....and I have LB'd all over the place last night.....I was doing so good! I just was going with the flow...nothing negative...and then he hit me with his needs and said it was my fault that the boys can't visit him at his house with OW (it is in the temporary orders). He doesn't even ask what the boy's needs are....or if they would even consider going to his BIG NEW house with OW and her child. He is so clueless to how they are feeling. They want Dad and DAD only. <p>I guess I vented a little! Hope to post withyou this weekend!!
M

I noticed the similarities in all these posts to my own marriage demise. I was married 18 years and now my ex is married to his secretary just eight months after the divorce. I didn't see it coming and went through all the hurt and pain that is inevitable the first year. He says that this new marriage was "meant to be" however if he really thought about it, she was ony 12 when he and I got married. I swear that whoever discovers the hormone that goes off in the brain of these 40 something men will be rich. All of us seem to share almost the same stories which really helped me to know that it really wasn't my fault. My ex played the blame game real well but I don't buy into anymore. I wish I could tell you something to make the hurt go away but it only gets better with time. It does get better though. <p>erigby