I just wanted you to know that I clicked on the BPD link on your post and read the info. and low and behold I think I've finally found the answer to the behavior of my WH.<p>Of course, learning that they will blame you forever, didn't exactly send me into doing cartweheels, but maybe one day he'll address these issues in his life.<p>I wonder if people with BPD ever switch the person they blame - like if I made myself unavailable would he switch to the OW? Oh well, just a thought.<p>I wish I would have read the article sooner. <p>Thanks for posting it! K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>I just wanted you to know that I clicked on the BPD link on your post and read the info. and low and behold I think I've finally found the answer to the behavior of my WH.<p>Of course, learning that they will blame you forever, didn't exactly send me into doing cartweheels, but maybe one day he'll address these issues in his life.<p>I wonder if people with BPD ever switch the person they blame - like if I made myself unavailable would he switch to the OW? Oh well, just a thought.<p>I wish I would have read the article sooner. <p>Thanks for posting it! K</strong><hr></blockquote><p>From what I have read - there is nothing that someone can do for someone with BPD if they are not prepared to help themselves - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND NEVER WILL BE.<p>How I too wish I had known about BPD MANY years ago.<p>Not that it would have helped my marriage at all - she has NEVER listened to my advice anyhow.

GIIC,<p>I knew something was different about my X from the beginning, but due to my personal circumstances, i couldn't figure out what the heck it was. . . . Some of the strange and backwards logic, and the excuses, etc. . . but she was very nice in the beginning, so i went with her. . . .<p>However, it wasn't until Nellie1 recommended a book to read and i read it just for research did i figure it out. . . . when the book describes discussion examples, and they are exactly what has happened to me, I began to feel a little better. . . . it wasn't me. . . . The book explained 15 years of wierdness. . .<p>when i realized it was bigger than me, that's when i realized BUZZZZZZZING SOUND, times up for me. . . .<p>I do not take it personally, but what i do struggle with is the effect on the kids, and the inability for her to want to improve herself. . . .<p>research and information is a powerful tool,
glad i helped someone, that's what i'm here for mostly . . . one of the things that was interesting watching X was that right after i left, she had to go out and date right away, she had to find someone else, yet she would say she didn't need anyone, she would rather be alone. . .<p>X's grandmother was BPD, XMIL was BPD or mentally disordered for sure, still, very weird. . .
you know, i have a great legacy of genes to pass down, it really sucks that i blew it. . .<p>should i have handled my situation differently, for sure, but then i am not a psych major or a therapist, and she knew when I was at my weakest to apply her pressure on me. . . . and of course, i was at a very difficult point in my job. . . .<p>good luck,
"we" need it<p>wiftty<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

I just read it also... I think there is some of that going on in my relationship with my H and I really don't know what I can do about it. I guess what people are saying is that until they reach the point where they can face their pain, there is nothing I can do. It's like "stay with me, get away from me," and that's very hard for me to decide what to do... especially living under these unique circumstances...<p>I think I need to do more research. I don't want to change him... I just want him healthy and in the present. I'm not entirely sure that his painful past (or shall I say disillusions from the past) are the cause of a lot of our pain and conflict... but I see plenty of patterns!<p>How does one LIVE with BPD? I'm with you WIFFTy... we share three children. I can't just walk away. I want him healthy for himself and for the boys....<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>

Thanks for the information. I am always researching everything I can get my hands on to help my situation and this stuff really fits.<p>I think we all have fallen victims to the old saying, "You didn't break them you can't fix them." Rationally this is so clear, but when you meet someone and feelings take over it is not that easy.<p>I have spent years trying to "fix" or at least help, support, whatever my X only to be blamed for almost everything, including in the end his A. I still am the source of all problems in his life. I have accepted that, but it is a difficult thing to handle especially because the kids are involved. I must admit however that if he bad mouths me to them they haven't said boo and they seem to tell me everything else. His real tactics include being the perpetual victim and total denial of all issues.<p>My hope is to limit as much negative impact on my kids as possible. Despite everything I still feel sorry for my X. The thing that has changed is I know longer let his sickness be used as an excuse for his actions and I put myself and the kids first. I pray daily that someday he will get help, but know that I can't force it.<p>Thanks for all the help!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong>I think we all have fallen victims to the old saying, "You didn't break them you can't fix them." Rationally this is so clear, but when you meet someone and feelings take over it is not that easy.
K</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have been posting on MB for close on 18months now.<p>Married for 23 years - her-affair - 2 years later - she is still in contact with OM.<p>I only discovered a few weeks ago that there is a VERY strong likelihood that my wife has BPD. THIS explains all her tantrums, want to control, want to have it HER way etc. etc.<p>YIKES<p>I am planning on getting out of this marriage now for sure.<p>2 years after an affair, she is still in contact, possibly a relationship with OM - SHE thinks its ok - "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS".<p>I got reported for mental and physical abuse last weekend for PRACTICALLY NO APPARRENT REASON.

Yes reading the book on BPD eaxplains a lot. For me it explains the entirity of my life. From what i read my mother had it, and in spades, barely functional because of it. I knew something was wrong, but like many had no idea, and you often question your own sanity. Since I spent 20 years living with this what did I do but go find someone who had it to marry. So I've spent the past 18 years with someone with the same problem. I probably have more experiance with the problem than any psych, i just didn't have a name and didn't know it was an actual condition. Problems with my wife started getting really bad about 7-10 years ago, and have been unbearable the past few. Don't think any affairs, mostly mood swings, rage, control issues........<p>Cure? I don't think it can be, controlled? maybe, depends on the person, how bad etc. My mother was so bad, and also so good at manipulating people that she could be sent for court ordered psych that in a matter of a few sessions would have the doc thinking she was some poor woman being drug through the courts unjustly, and would be supporting her. She could charm her way into anyone's life, almost to the point of being a family member. She'd then steal them blind, often of things they'd have glady given her had she asked. Usually any relationship would fall apart after 3-6 months. She'd have some imagined issue and there would be a huge fight and on. My wife isn't this bad, but she will not get close to people, which means I/we have no real friends - hard for me being an extrovert social people person. I could go on for ever, I have 38 years of material. I am just (as of the past 3 days) comming to grips with this as a problem - I don't even know where to start, and worse have 2 kids to keep in mind.

OK, what is the name of the book??????
Can any of you see yourself in this description? I can see myself in the Anger which I say resulted from his withdrawals or silent demands.
When we blame, we don't take responsibility for our own reactions (anger therapy). It's so easy to say BPD, Passive Aggressive, ADD, but is it truly a diagnosis to explain our situations. How are we better served to help ourselves recover?<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: newly ]</p>

stop walking on eggshells by Paul Mason

My x may be bipolar. I won't ever know though this was the opinion of the counselor we saw. <p>He may have borderline personality disorder. This was a definite possibility in the opinion of that counselor as well as another one I saw. <p>One thing is for sure. He has some problems. I am not one of them. I am my own problem (but aren't we all). <p>Anyway, I had a counselor recommend a book on borderline personality disorder. The title of the book sort of fit the things my x said: <p> I Hate You......Don't Leave Me<p>My x said some terrible things to me. But on at least two occaisions, he was suicidal and I was the one he called to save him. And I was always there. That's probably why he is still alive today. <p>But this book came to me with several recommendations. Try giving it a read, too.