They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings and in my case she is testing her vocal chords. I've posted to this forum about my wife (whom I love dearly) wanting to separate because she doesn't love me anymore and feels she needs to be on her own. Although I've recieved some encouraging info from this forum mostly about how things can change for the better, I'm beginning to lose hope. She is in counseling but no positive effects have come from that. She hasn't asked for a divorce yet but I'm sure that'll be next. I'm trying to give her all the space she needs including keeping my mouth shut when she goes out with her friends once a week till 2:30AM which is hard because I worry, silly me. Some advice I've gotten is to keep telling her that I love her and show her that I love her but she deems that as smothering and the results have not been positive. Now I want to get some input from you all out there about my new strategy. I plan to keep my mouth shut from now on and not tell her how much I love her and with hold any affection I may feel for her. I'm going to try and see what that effect will have, it may break the camels back, but the way I see it, I've got nothing else to lose at this point. What do you think?

Dear Jax,<P>You and I are in the same boat. My wife moved out for a week. Now she's back but she has asked for a trial separation. We are in marriage therapy together, but with no real progress there. She just uses the time to tell me everything that's wrong with me and that it's all my fault. She goes out most nights of the week to "get away from all this tension" as she puts it. I'm trying to be as relaxed as possible. We sleep in separate rooms, with no physical contact. We don't talk about relationship issues, just daily life.<P>So I know it's hard, but you have to try to back off further; no contact, don't tell her how you feel, don't try to do to much for her. Look after yourself, mind your own business, try to keep happy and interesed in something, play a sport, go to a movie without her, see your friends, do a hobby, anything but pressure your spouse. <P>I'm reading a book "How One of You can bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page, you can buy it from Amazon.com, if your local bookstore doesn't have it. It's helping me to cope, and I recommend it to anyone in a similar situation. The book spends no time on psychology or the fuzzy philosophy of love, but is full of practical exercises for improving your relationship by acting on your own, without your spouse. Buy it, read it, and you will feel better. Keep in touch.<P>Your friend in woe,<BR>Kenneth

Hi Jax - haven't posted you before but have followed your situation.<P>You may get some insight on the General Questions board (infidelity). Hopefull_1 has a post "need lots of advice" along the same lines you do right now.<P>You are on the right track. If random kindness and expressions of affection and love (physical and verbal) are not being received well, they may push her further away. Do the best that you can for now to meet the needs that she will allow you to and above all else, do not LB! YOU may see hugs etc. as positive, she may see them as smothering. Read her body language, hear her words and act/react accordingly.<P>Do not pass judgement on her behaviour but rather "go with the flow" to the best that you can. The comparison I like in this situation is to try to be the very best, most respectful "roomate" that you can. Good luck, your desire to make things better is what will get you there.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

From my experience you are walking a fine line. My H wanted out, didn't love me, wanted to be on his own..etc..When he moved out, I was a mess... Well, I got lot's of advice on should I be there for him or not, keep telling him I love him or stop. I chose to keep my love for him in his face! I mailed him cards, left love notes in his car, kept myself available for sex and all that good stuff. Fine line, could have been overkill and I was scared to death. Now, we are back together. He said had I gone on with my life and not paid him any attention... then the love was gone for good. It was like a test and I got lucky and past it. I know every situation is different but from what happened to me, I would continue to let her know you love her, at least for now.<BR>Thoughts are with you!<P>------------------<BR>Tash

Jax<BR>I have been following your situation also. I am in the same boat. I was blindsided on Valentines day by my wifes need for a separation. We have admitted our past mistakes, but she feels that time away is something she needs to do. At first I was angry, but then a feeling of peace came over me. I now know that I love her enough to let her be free to find her own happiness. I know deep in my heart that I have done everything possible to save our marriage. The rest is in her hands. She is not gone yet, but when she does I will tell her I'll always be here for her and to go knowing I love her. <P>I don't want to sound cheesy, but sometimes things don't go as you planned for a reason.<P>Hang in there! All you can do is your best.

Thanks to you all for your support you don't know how appreciated it is. Went to the counselor last night and she gave me an analogy of what my situatin was like having been talking to both my wife and I altough separately, she said imagine a bird in your hand that is struggling to free itself but you are just holding it tighter to suppress its struggles however the reverse is being accomplished in the fact that the bird is now struggling harder to be free, but what if I open my hand and let the bird go? The bird will take flight for awhile and soar and maybe eventually will return to your hand and if not then it wasn't meant to be. I know I've done everything in my power and means to save this marriage, but I still have questions as to why? and what happened? only she can answer those questions but unfortunately she doesn't have the answers either. She's still mulling over whether or not she wants a divorce she doesn't know, she does know however that she no longer wants me to show her any affection what so ever because it makes her feel guilty that she can't reciprocate. This is very hard for me, but I know in my heart that I love her and will do whatever it takes to make sure she finds the happiness she is looking for. Meanwhile I'll concentrate on being the best dad I can for my kids and look after myself. Thanks again.

Dear Jax,<P>As someone (and I'm trying not to remember who) once said "I feel your pain."<P>Good luck, friend.<BR>Kenneth

Jax,<P>Just a thought...you might want to review the "withdrawal" section of this website. Dr. Harley offers some interesting insight. <P>~The Elf