Background: my XH sent a letter to our son's teacher accusing me of not giving him copies of every piece of paper that comes home from school. He threw in a bunch of subtle and not-so-subtle slams against me, basically accused me of lying, played the "poor non-custodial dad wants to be involved but b**ch mom won't let me" card, and copied it to Friend of the Court. He (his mom) has the kids every Wednesday afternoon and every other weekend, and is asking the teacher to make copies of everything sent home every day for him (his mom) to pick up three times a week. WTF?? I put everything in a three ring binder, and send it with S to school on the days his dad (grandma) picks him up.<p>S is almost 7 and in first grade. D is 4.<p>I have NOT sent him this yet. I am still too mad to do the editing it needs.<p>PB<p>____________________ <p>
18-March-2002 <p>XH, <p>Your allegations are so transparent, I have no need to contact S’s teacher or Friend of the Court with “my side”. You already have a documented history of trying to paint an overly negative picture of me.<p>You decided to play the blame game, and it only makes YOU look bad. <p>You already have full access to all news and notes that I get. Everything sent home is put into the binder. When I don’t get a chance to file it in the binder, I send it in the Wednesday folder. <p>The rare exceptions are items such as the permission slip for S to go with S’s teacher to McDonalds. My only copy of that information had to be signed and returned immediately. <p>If you feel you are missing critical news, there is always a copy of the newsletter in the school office. There is no need to inconvenience S’s teacher by demanding special treatment. <p>The binder is a convenience for YOU and a keepsake for S. I don’t have to go to the trouble. I would like you to be involved in S’s education, but you need to take a role other than blaming someone else for your lack of initiative. <p>If you wish to help S, you could become involved by reading S’s homework and showing him problems that he’s missed so he learns from his mistakes. I miss an error here and there, but for the percentage of homework I review and sign compared to you, you are missing a much larger percentage of errors. You’ll have to learn phonics coding, but if S can do it, I’m sure you’ll catch on. <p>Finally, S very likely has ADHD. I recommend you read and research as much as you can about it. I’ll be scheduling him for testing soon. <p>
Princess Buttercup<p>
addendum:  There is an ongoing problem with S receiving gifts and candy and D receiving nothing. She is hurt and angry when this happens. I have witnesses that can assert that D has a marked behavioral change at day care after a weekend with you, and that she cries and clings to me when I drop her off on Wednesdays. This needs to be addressed immediately. She is going to suffer long-term emotional damage if she is not treated equally to S while under your care. If I continue to hear that S has been given gifts and treats and to hear from D and S both that she received nothing, I will absolutely bring this to the attention of Friend of the Court. I am disgusted that you have continued to let this happen since you had once agreed that S is given preferential treatment in your parents' household.<p>____________________ <p>The last part, I am SO ENRAGED about I have a hard time even putting it into words. You should see the anger and hurt ... they contend that I spoil D and neglect S so feel justified, of course. Suggestions PLEASE!! ... should I contact S's teacher? Will she assume XH's allegations are bunk if I ignore the letter, or assume they are true because I don't respond?? I hate this game. >:-O<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

I'd schedule a conference with the teacher. She needs to know what is going on in the kids life in order to take care of him. I have kept my 2nd graders teacher up to date on our mess, mostly through email and notes, becuase she already knows the whole score. <p>I wonder if what seems to be ADHD is actually normal response to what is going on around him. I don't know much of the history or behaviors, so I can't really say much, but I went back to school a few years ago and got a degree in child development. Many times what is being diagnosed as ADD or ADHD now is just normal reactions to stressors in the childs environment.<p>I don't know what to say about the letter. I wouldn't justify his letter with a response. Then he has you playing his game, and can use the letter you send as "evidence". <p>I would call the guardians office and schedule a meeting to discuss the behavior of their father. He might order mediation, and you can tell your side straight to him without the letter stuff.<p>I hope I gave you something you can use.<p>Elizabeth

Thanks. I need to be reminded I don't have to respond to him. This is the one thing he still has control over me with ... he can make me angry, but only when he uses the kids to do it. I do want to respond, in a way that makes him feel like his threats and insults did not scare or anger me. I guess I'll just smile at him. :-/<p>I'm really unsure what to do about the preferential treatment. They will just deny it, and I have only the word of a 4 year old to back me. The grandma is clearly (to me) buying his love. She has spoiled him since he was a baby, and has NEVER treated my daughter the same. She gives him things I've forbidden or privileges that were taken away, and otherwise thumbed her nose at me. SHE is my main problem. No way did XH type up this letter. :-/<p>Oh, and the ADHD symptoms have been present since long before the separation and divorce ... but I've been told they won't diagnose before age 6. Also, I have Adult ADD, my XH has a lot of the same symptoms, so that's the reason for my certainty on my son's behavior being beyond normal+stress. I've been doing research here and there on it since he was 3. ;}

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

Thank you! You're right on pretty much everything.<p>This is the same guy that went into a huge tirade about me being irresponsible and a poor parent because our S left his snowpants at school, and somehow they ended up missing. This is MY fault because I wasn't on top of it. He demanded I buy him new snowpants immediately (yes, in mid-March) exactly like the ones that were lost. He just went off about it. <p>I watched him snort and stomp and when he was done, I laughed. I laughed out loud. I got in my car, and left.<p>I have a bunch of books on my Wish List at Amazon.com ... needing to stop making excuses about why I shouldn't just buy them. I don't spend money on me very much, lost the enjoyment somewhere along the way.

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. <p>I think it is great that you can see this for what it is. Your letter sounds great for a self-awareness check and to reinforce you know what he is doing. But I do not think you should give it to him. I think it is all a self confidence issue. You know the truth but you can't convince him of it. Just know who you are and your circumstance but don't feel you need to defend yourself to him or the teacher. You know the truth, just be confident in it. If he is inconveniencing the teacher then it is the teacher's responsibility to tell him so. <p>as far as your D goes. Tell him on a incident by incident basis. D felt hurt that you brought S candy and not her. But realize it is not your responsibility to force an action to his response. Encourage your D to express her feelings to her dad. Dad, I felt hurt that you bought brother candy and not me. Don't expect a behavior change in him, it is a power struggle but it is important that you express the feelings. <p>Also tell him when the testing is for ADHD but do not tell him to research it. It is his responsibility to think for himself and take the interest to learn more about it. You can't make him and most likely he is going to be inclined to do the opposite of what you say anyway. Again, because of the power struggle. <p>I am sorry, Princess Buttercup, this is going to be one of the hardest things you ever go through but you are gonna grow and so will your kids and not only survive this ordeal but you are gonna soar!! <p>Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>