I am so upset and angry with my husband right now I don't know how to handle it. We have been married for almost 10 years - 2 kids, 10 and 4. We have had a lot of problems in the past and we are at a point now that things have been going pretty good for the last few months. My husband has a jelousy problem that still exists which he has no reason to have. He has always been jealous but has only been able to come out and actually falsely accuse me in the last year. In the last six months he has accused me of sleeping with four friends of ours. I have no desire or even thought to even think of cheating on him with these people or anyone else it was just his paranoia, it has really hurt me that he doesn't trust me and has damaged our relationship more than he can understand.<P>Well that issue isn't the one that is the problem this time, everything has been going wonderful, but now I have to think he was trying extra hard for another motive. Last november, I went away with my two sisters (10 years older than me ) and my cousin (7 years older-I am 32) to New York, it was a free trip, free condo, and my one sister really wanted me to go - she has MS and I thought it would be a once in a life time chance especially since the disease is starting to attack her to do something with them My husband has gone on several out of town ski trips and left me and my young daughter at the time home many,many times, he also buys a $600 ski pass every year, he quickly has forgotten all the trips he has gone on, and says that a ski pass is a necessity and his excuse is if I want to go and join a gym or something like that I can and I can't justify spending money on a trip to him buying a pass. Well I told him years ago that I would go on a trip one day, well when he was going away on his little trips - he said go ahead sure, well 5 years later and that opportunity has come He didn't say anything about it until a couple days before I went, after it was booked. He first said I didn't know you were going to go for 10 days - which I did tell him several times, but as usual he didn't listen, he got all pissed off and said well I am going somewhere with my buddy then(which is his age (31) and SINGLE). Whatever, I said - GO. Its like he feels like he has to be vengefull and get back at me for going away. <P>Well last night, valentines day, he was so incredible, he bought me chocolates, a bottle of liquor and a beautiful card that said what he loved about me, which now feels like it was all done with a motive and not truly meant- since this never happens -especially the card thing. At the end of the night he says - I don't know how to say this but I want to go to Mexico with Cam - NEXT MONTH, we have to book it tommorow. Well I blew up, not for the reason of going, but for the reason that we are flat broke! I do all the budgeting and bill paying which he doesn't want to have to handle, I also bring home most of the money. We have an extra $500 pmt for the next 4 months, plus a wedding which I am a part of - out of town, and bills and vehicles to fix. I told him - which he totally denies - several times, that we have this big bill and the next months are going to be tight until after the wedding. What really angered me is that he has been talking it over with his friend for at least a couple of months and hasn't mentioned a word to me until VALENTINES DAY and the day before they have to book it. He got really angry with me and told me that I am trying to attack him, and that I would do anything to stop him from going - which is totally untrue. Sure it would bother me a bit that he is going away with a SINGLE guy who likes to party and drink at a time when we have been going through problems in our marriage mainly his trust issues - which I believe that the one he can't trust is not me but maybe himself I was honest and told him that "I want to be honest with you and tell you that of course it would bother me and I would worry about you which is only natural, but I wouldn't stop you from going" Now he is so angry with me and keeps saying you didn't tell me about this big bill - which is actually - he didn't LISTEN to me telling him - and he just wants to DROP it as usual. I told him if he wanted to go away, he has to save for it and tell me way before a month before. Its like he wants to get back at me. I have a feeling that his friend may lend him the money to go which I do not feel comfortable about at all, especially when we have so many other bills.<BR>I don't know what to do - I can forsee this causing a big problem with us and having a lot of fights coming . Please give me some advice on how to get through to my husband. - I am very upset. What do I say if his friend offers to pay, I really don't feel right about that. <BR>

Hi-<P>I'm sorry for all the frustration you're currently experiencing. It hurts, doesn't it, especially when you suspect his love and affection yesterday - which you really wanted and enjoyed - may have been directed at "softening you up" to drop the bomb about the trip.<P>It sounds to me like you and your H need to start implementing the Policy of Joint Agreement in a hurry. You can find all the details about this and other concepts of Dr. Harley's at the website that spawned this forum - <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> (follow the link to "Basic Concepts".<P>Essentially, the POJA states that, as a married couple and as individuals, you won't do anything about which husband and wife do not enthusiastically agree. A tough pill to swallow, especially if you feel your H may have only his best interests at heart. But if you both agree to follow it, you'll find the payoff is well worth it. The sacrifices are great too, and it cuts both ways - if he doesn't enthusiastically agree about your trip with your sisters, you shouldn't go, the same as if you don't enthusiastically agree that he should go on a trip with his single buddy, he shouldn't go.<P>This sounds difficult and counterintuitive to many couples, because today's pop psychology says that couples should focus on developing themselves as individuals in order to be happier as a couple. What's the use in being happy if that only occurs when you're on your own, doing what you want, ignoring your spouse's wants and needs? Many people on these boards can attest to the problems that arise when the focus is on the individual, not the couple: affairs and divorce. There's no sense building private spheres when what needs to be built is a joint world.<P>Now, you may justifiably feel this opportunity to visit with your sisters - one of whom has MS - may not occur again. I suggest you tell your H that, and tell him what it means to you to go. Since the trip is booked already, it's probably a moot point, since even if he doesn't agree that you go you still have to pay for the trip and thus might as well go. But read up on the POJA and resolve to follow it (if your H also agrees) from this point on.<P>Well, for what it's worth, that's my two cents. Keep posting, and you're sure to get more advice and support from those wiser than I. There are many lurking here, and they are very friendly and helpful. Good luck!

Thank you for replying, it does help.<BR>I think you misunderstood part of my post - I took my trip last november, my H wants to go away in a month from now. I have read the POJA and will try to convey this to my husband, I don't know if he will agree to it at this point, its like he feels he deserves this trip to get even with me, which I think is totally unhealthy for our relationship with that attitude. I would of cancelled the trip in a second that I took if he would of come out and said something, but he didn't. His friend just called and said he would lend him the money - which I do not feel comfortable at all with. My H will think I am saying no to this b/c I want to control him - which is not true - I don't think its right to go and spend money you don't have when you are owing money to other people. I am not sure what to say when I get home, I don't want this to be a huge fight, I want to tell him that it hurt to have him ask after all the buttering up he did which made it all seem not genuine. <BR>Well thanks, it does help to be able to vent.<BR>