Hope I am not out of line here cant. you seemed to want maybe some input re your circumstamces, and perhaps just too despondent to get it going yourself, so me being a busybody and all (sort of like sheryl, we suffer from the same disorder, gottahelpallitis, closely related to noitalliteist, but not as severe) figured I'd start it for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] just slap me if I am being presumptious.<p>As for my input, living like this is emotional abuse, and I wonder if you have done any work on yourself re why you do this (maybe read up on co-dependantcy, emotional abuse), whether you really want the marriage, or just feel it is all you deserve? Have you tried calling MB counselling? You sound like you have some good traits, you are working hard, and setting some boundaries, that's a plus, but you seem to have no real plan for you and are just waiting for H to tell you how your life is to be.<p>
cant...me too. H had affair almost all last yr. I know more than he thinks I do, confirmed by others. He filed in Nov '01, I did not want divorce & did not sign it. He was leaving our house to me. He returned home in late January & eventually filed for dismissal at the last minute (60th day from filing). Since he was home, I found OW at his apt when he went there to "pack" & bring stuff home!! He was only out of the house 6-7 weeks. Since hes been back hes told me he made a mistake returning numerous times. He told me several times he was going to refile, that it would only cost another $800. Because of this, I never signed dismissal. I only told him this 2 weeks ago when again he said he would refile. He hit the roof. Then he said he was glad I never signed dismissal. But that this time he was taking the house that it was HIS paid for with HIS money (I earn half what he does but have worked 40 hrs a week for yrs). Or else he tells me to buy him out.
Other days he says he'll leave it to me & that hes going to move out to another town where his job is. Then he tells me Im selfish when I talk about MY feelings (instead of blaming him for affair) and that I want to take everything away from him. He said one time "Oh, I'll miss this house". I asked "oh, the house but not me?" He answered "Not really". How @#*@ cruel is that!! Then again he tells me we'll have to sell the house & split it 50/50. The house is in both our names & its my HOME. I have no living family, parents dead, no siblings etc. H & I were it for each other for 5yrs friends & 9 1/2 yrs marriage.<p>He's at home still, sleeping on the living room floor, with only yes or no answers if any. He has a cell phone & laptop but I get the feeling the affair tapered off since christmas, possibly totally over. So hes what?Moping? In the fog? Its definately totally withdrawal. I took a 2nd part time job for extra income when he left the first time. He doesnt even worry about me leaving the building in the dark of night & arriving late. He doesnt seem to care where I go, or when I'll be home. I have asked him to come with me to things like recent parade & free music event. He flat refused. He goes out & never tells me where, or when he will be back. (though he is at our friends homes & the wives tell me). The guys used to be his friends & the wives, mine. But this past yr when he avoided his friends, these very reserved guys told me "our house is your house anytime"!!<p>They can see from his behaviour something is wrong. But since he has been home, they dont know. We do NOTHING together. He is like a piece of furniture. Except I cannot let go of the hope that he'll come around & committ to our marriage again cause hes in our home & I see him all the time. But when he first came back, I was still unhappy because he never showed me any caring, no affection, no glad to be back, no missed me, NOTHING! I am tired of fearing of the car breaking down etc & having NOONE be concerned where I am. I am tired of being cold & sleeping alone, while I hear him downstairs snoring. I got tired of cooking & doing Laundry & trying to be nice & him not caring & rejecting me still. So, I quit. Though he says nothing, hes mopey about that. But he always said I didnt care anyhow. Now he has justification for it in his mind. But he knows I want him back in our marriage. He has seen me crying, but tells me to quit it. <p>I asked where are we going? that I need someone to talk to, even about simple how was your day stuff. That I need someone to be concerned for me & show some oune of affection & caring. Someone to give me ahug when I am feeling down, to share things with etc etc. He asked me if I want him to move out, in an angry tone & told me I was selfish & taking everything from him! I never answered his question, cause my heart still says no, commit to our marriage and love ME!!<p>I am willing to be there & do that for him but he rejects it completely, tells me leave it alone or dont worry, he'll do it himself. I am so desperate for a simple hug. I feel like I am in some sensory deprivation chamber. How long do I live like this? I have 2 jobs & am not home much anyhow. But I dont want to be there, because its too sad, but I love my home& if he gave me just 1 sign he cared for me still & our marriage was worth saving to him, I would jump on it.<p>Someone please start a new thread about living with a returned wayward spouse who is 100% plus -withdrawn but not leaving home or interacting with spouse. How long do I live like this? My giver is totally dead, and my taker is about to die of starvation. None of my needs are being met whatsoever. I am the one walking around in a fog. The fog of automatic pilot - go to work, earn money, go home and sleep. Repeat. Only saving grace is that both jobs FT & PT are new since last November. I love the FT one and the PT one is pleasant too. I may start taking a class another night of the week. Im hardly home & he doesnt care. Eats out if theres no left overs in fridge. SOmeone start a new thread on dealing with this, please!! Ive seen alot of references to living with a withdrawn spouse. How long cna I keep this up?

I am the BS of a WH, yes what you are doing and feeling is for real. My WH was one that had a EA and took many many hours away from his family to have phone conversations with the OW. He bought her cellphone and paid all her bills, cause she said she didn't have enough money. When I found out about the affair, my WH and OW had already had their sexual affair. SHe lives 2000 miles away, and when we went to visit his father because of serious illness, my WH worked around his family visiting to be with his sexual OW.<p>The WS will go ballistic, tell you to leave them alone, they mope, woe is me, they yell, scream, literally tell their kids that they don't love them, call their spouse names, be careful of your money. My WH spent thousands on this OW, and therefore he took part of my hard working money and spent it on the other woman. No regrets, no remorse, as of yet.<p>Just to let you know, things are going to be terrible. Sounds like if your H's affair, hasn't really ended yet. Counseling with the Harleys is good, if both of you are committed. We did counseling with the Harleys, but my WH would never say he was committed to this marriage with either of the Harleys. You basically have to leave him alone, and just let him mope. It is so hard to see the one you love be like this, this is the person you devoted your life to, have history with, made beautiful children with, made vows with. I am a sympathy person, and I did cry for my WH, but to have him give me sympathy, did not happen. He literally said he didn't want to touch me, didn't want to kiss me, didn't want to hug me. He told the Harleys that I had to tell him when I wanted these things. He would not do it on his own. And he told me he did it to just do it. <p>They are going to be very cruel to you, and actually, I think the best thing is to make a room for him, and tell him this is your private room and just leave him be. When he comes out greet him, show him you care, and leave it at that. We walked on eggshells around here for so long, my WH wouldn't keep the OW out of our house (per the cellphone), we would catch him talking to her in the bathroom, kids and I could here him outside the door, he had his cellphone on vibrate and it would be on the couch where WH and I were sitting, and one time I said, OW is calling. He got so mad. Cause all of us were in the living room, and so it had to be her. He went in the bathroom to check, and said it was the phone company calling to send a bill. (yeah right) WH doesn't realize how many times the phone company called, must be an active person from the phone company, calling 2-3 tmes a month. Anyways, it is going to be ugly, and you are prone to go find love elsewhere. I was, and got really scary for me to think I would lower myself to what my WH did. Our kids need to know that one of us has morals, and is a christian. There is a question of morals per our kids. So try to keep yourself sane, get outside and join a class, exercise is good for the endorphins. I walked a lot, miles and miles with my dog. That is what helped, plus I got in really good shape. Dog enjoyed the time together, and it gave me time to talk to friends on my cellphone. I cried, talked to God alot, and really wanted to have someone love me. The urge was quite strong, and is still strong but in a different way now. I know I am quite vulnerable, and that is what is keeping me from picking up anyone right now. <p>Also, I am going for professional counseling. Not a counselor, a real professional. Will cost money, but I figure with the amount of money my WH spent on his affair (thousands of dollars), I can do this for me. At least what I am doing is morally right, not interferring in someone elses marriage (the OW this is her 2nd physical affair in her marriage - she knew what she was doing), I can talk and know I am being heard, I can talk about love, I can talk about childhood, I can talk to someone that understands. <p>Don't know how else to express this, but it will take a long time. My WH took forever to just not talk to the OW, the OW finally dumped my WH, cause we were counseling with Jennifer Harley, and finally Jennifer Harley said I can't help you any more, cause WH would not let the OW go. And when the OW finally dumped him, my WH tried leaving messages on her cellphone and she never responded. There will be secrets still, and to this day, my WH didn't tell me something he did just a few days ago. I found the problem, brought it to his attention, and he apologized. There is no trust until there is true protectiveness, thoughtfulness, and caring towards the spouse. <p>This is going to be hard and long. How long, no one can tell you that. Just show him you love him and give him his own room for awhile. Find somewhere where he is left alone and won't be bothered. Look at your income, ours went down drastically, we own our own business, and calls were being made, WH said, he didn't want to talk to this person or that. He made his own selections on who he wanted to talk to. It is very hard and disheartening to see how one can treat their spouse this way. Good Luck.

Sad, my h is not the one involved in an A (that I know of anyway), I am...well, I am trying to avoid one. But, my h displays many of the neglectful qualities you mentioned. Please read my post in the divorced/divorcing board entitled "married to a mamma's boy and mamma is nuts!!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My h has been rather cold and distant toward me all along. Pays very little attention to what I do, not interested in my life at all. I am kind of like the TV set to him...he uses me for what he needs from me, then he goes on about his business. He hardly ever even talks to me. I know that alot of his attitude has to do with the way he grew up and the role models he had for parents....not good ones. So, I have tried and tried and tried to communicate my needs to him, tried to be very loving and affectionate to him, etc. He loves the affection and took all he could get, but, still didn't catch on that he needed to give in return. I showed him books, including ones from MB. Nothing is helping.<p>We also have MAJOR problems with his parents. They are horrible to me. My h really needs therapy to undo the damage done to him by his parents, but, he has a very stubborn streak in him and will not do anything at all. I am pretty much throwing in the towel.<p>Anyway, just wanted to say that I can totally relate to your feelings of utter lonliness. There is no one there to give a damn whether you come home safely, etc. For me, the past couple of years especially, were difficult. My mom died and I literally had to ask him to hold me. At the funeral, I had to lean into him to get him to put his arm around me. He didn't volunteer one word of comfort. Later in the year, I had several health problems which I am still having. One was a cancer scare...had to have a biopsy on my thyroid. He didn't even offer to come along...I probably wouldn't of made him go or anything, but, it would have been nice if he would have at least called to check on me or something?? I currently am dealing with severe headaches...am on medication that has bad side effects including upset stomache, weight loss, etc. He gets this look on his face whenever I ask him to fill in for me with one of the kid's activities because I am not feeling well...like I am just really cramping his style.<p>I could go on and on. Bottom line, I might as well be on my own with the kids for all the support I am getting from him. Both of my parents are gone and I only have one brother so it is scary, but, oh well.<p>Here is a (((HUG))) from someone that understands. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I too feel very alone. I am the BS and get very little affection from my husband. The OW is gone...I think. We have some sex life, but very little emotional connection. He isolates me at times. Walks away when I want to talk and when he really doesn't want to talk, goes to sleep in another room. What I am trying to say is that even though the OW is gone and we are in recovery, my WH is still distant. He went crazy and spent thousands of dollars on men toys for himself...ie motorcycle, electronics. We are close to loosing everyting and now he wants me to go back to work. I had worked up to last year and made more money than he did. Well this should be interesting because I am also pregnant with our third child. I seem to be supplying all the EN in this family. I really don't need him since he is giving me nothing at this point, and once I go back to work I again will be independent. My current reason for staying is that I still love him (God knows why) and my children. I swear he got me pregnant so I wouldn't leave him. I have thought of having an affair myself, but that is not a solution, and I didn't sleep around before marriage, so I really can't even think of it. I wish I had slept around!!! I will continue to work on myself, keep good morals and go to church, and for now continue Plan A. Someday I hope my EN will be met. I advise you to work on yourself like you are. I am sending you a great big hug!! You are not alone, we are all feeling similarly. What great support this site is. It is the only place I feel free to express my feelings.

New Jersey - I know how you feel when you say you wished you had an affair. I feel the same way, your spouse gives you no attention, you might as well be dead, and then he can hire a cook and house cleaner and a laundry person, and a bookkeeper. My WH tells me he likes my organizational skills, but doesn't seem like he wants anything else from me. His OW was very disorganized, lazy, didn't work, WH asked her to go get a job - she didn't, and she played around with other men. So I am very hurt, and I want love and attention. I had a nice morning, and wish to continue with a good morning, afternoon, or whatever. But I hurt so much when I know WH doesn't care about me in a husband way. <p>He had the fun, the sex, the money spent, admiration, talking, etc. I want that too, and got some today. But I want it all, and the whole thing stinks, but you know us BS's are human and have needs too.<p>You are very vulnerable, and this vulnerability could cause you to have some problems. I know it is for me. Don't know how to help you, pray for you, and with you being pregnant and stuck at home, seems you should find a outlet for some release or venting. Hope you have a good day.