Thursday morning I am meeting with a lawyer who has been highly recommended to me to discuss divorcing my husband. He doesn't know anything about this, other than discussions I have tried to initiate in the past few months about how I don't want to be married anymore and why I am unhappy. His reactions have varied from "threats don't work with me" to "you're always the first one to bring up divorce" or "you wouldn't dare leave me"......but no effort to work on the problems. BTW, I never "threatened" divorce, just calmly told him I am unhappy and don't like our marriage. I wanted to work on it, not end it.<p>I need advice on what kind of questions to ask the lawyer. I am so naieve to this whole thing. I'm a naturally trusting, loving person, but my H tends to be very deceitful, controlling, and selfcentered; and will probly not have the best interests of myself and the kids at heart. (would I be doing this if he did?)<p>Any advice you can give me on what to tell the lawyer, and what to ask her would be much appreciated.

Hi...Think I can help you with this. You need to ask whether you would be entitled to alimony. Have information ready about H's pension plan, your bank accounts, etc. Find out whether from a strategy basis you lose any leverage if you leave or whether you can stay in the house and seek sole possession through a court order which would mean your H would have to leave. Find out if your H decides to leave on his own whether you can change the locks. What property you would be able to take with you from a legal standpoint if you decide to leave. I can't remember whether you have children, but if so, find out about custody of them. The lawyer should be able to tell you things you don't ask, but just in case, find out whether you need to have proof for specific grounds, and what proof that would be. This is just off the top of my head, but it's a start. Maybe some others can fill in things I've missed.

Annavon,<p>What is it your looking for? Seriously, do you really want to file for divorce or are you doing this to show your husband that your serious about things changing in the marriage? like just to get his attention tactics?? even subconsiously??<p>And your right, your h will have his best interest at heart..and will possibly counter-file and try and fight for custody of your kids..divorces can be so ugly..especially when one person is controlling and scared of losing that control..<p>If your serious about really wanting out..then you need to make a list of things that YOU want..
Tell them what You want..(they work for you not you for them--they are YOUR employee) so it's more of them asking what YOU want from this venture..<p>If you want sole custody of your children..tell them that..<p>If you want 50% of his retirement tell them..<p>If you want the house..until your youngest is 18 and out of school you can ask for that too..and then you can sell the house and both get half equity..<p>You can also request that he buy you out of his half of the house..or you buy him out..<p>You can also negotiate here..if you give up half his retirement..he quit claims the house to you..
his name comes off the title..and you make the payments..and keep the house..<p>Child support..<p>His being responsible for half the bills..
(if he takes any of the loans and credit card debt..make sure your name comes off of these in case he doesn't pay..so they can't come after YOU for payment) You can ask that this be stipulated in the divorce papers..that your name come off those debts..and stipulate that it should come off within a certain amount of time..<p>(lesson learned from watching friends go through that one)<p>Alimony..if you've been married so many years..
although some states don't do alimony anymore..except in certain circumstances..<p>If you want to go back to school to get job skills
you can ask for temporary alimony..till you complete your education..(alimony is taxable income - just so you know)and you may need to know how long it will take you to complete your degree, what your goal is..and about how much it will cost..will you require child care while you go to school if so how much..because all of this can be calculated in to the amount recieved..<p>You'll need copies of income tax returns, pay stubs, what your bills are..because you'll be required to fill out a finacial affidavid..<p>In some states..if you've inherited anything..thats your's..he can't touch it..and vice versa..<p>How do you want to split the household furniture
and such? How much would you get if you sold it all in a yard sale?? <p>
In some states..they ask you..if you think counseling will help..or if you have tried counseling..and if you haven't..and say yes you think it would help..the judge could recommend that first..like 3 months of counseling..before the case is continued...if you honestly don't think it will do any good..or if you have already done that..then tell them..<p>Do you want him to carry medical insurance on the kids? (this is also a type of child support)
so it will be calculated out of what you would get monthly..so if you could carry insurance you can do that..and require he be responsible for half any medical bills..<p>
So sit down and seriously think about what it is you want from the divorce..(i know you don't want the divorce..but..this is what it boils down)I also know you want to cause as little stress on your kids as possible..by things not getting ugly..some men play on that weakness..and use it to their advantage and women just wanting to have it done and over with quickly..don't get what they deserve..<p>Hope this helps..

Find out what kind of protective supports will be in place if your husband reacts the way you fear he will react ("You wouldn't dare leave" suggests that his physical abuse history is a threat). Ask him what documentation you need to have in place to protect yourself and your children - go with the motorcycle-no helmet and movie theater history to give two examples of the child endangerment situation...

You first need to sit down with your husband and go over this with him. Let him know you are serious. Maybe leave for a week or two.... I don't know the circumstances but he may change... and change for the better. My wife had an affair and anytime you would have asked me I would have kicked her out the next day but this woke me up and made me realize how much I love her and want to be with her forever... regardless of what she has done...my wife is the greatest thing on earth. I may have pushed her into this affair, I will never know... but you should really let your husband know exactly what you are feeling... my wife never told me she wasn't happy. If we communicated we probably wouldn't be where we are today. If any postive comes out of this I know now what love is.

We have 3 children ages 6, 8, 10. We have been married 12 years, I have not worked outside our home at all for the last 7....he has told friends he won't "allow me to work", altho it's never been an issue between us because I like being at home.<p>He inherited $140,000 a year ago, there is $30,000 left, he spent the majority on toys for himself. He did buy me a van tho, which is in my name only and paid for.<p>I do not want to try to work things out, there was nothing good to begin with. I have tried for years.....every pastor we have counseled with has advised me to get out.....he is verbally abusive, has threatened physical abuse in the past. He has never held a job for more than a year, there are no pension plans, no insurance; just a weekly paycheck.<p>Mr. Hurt....I wouldn't dream of letting him know I am serious. Filing for divorce will not "kick him into reality", it could put my life in danger. I doubt he would ever leave me, because I provide him with respectability and stability. Read my posts on EN for the past few months for details. I don't think he could deal with me ever remarrying at all.....in fact I know he couldn't because he asked me once if I would remarry if he died. Ok, my answer wasn't tactful, but I said I might if the kids were still young. He went absolutely ballistic and yelled at me at the top of his lungs for almost an hour. If he hadn't been driving I think he would've hit me.<p>It is taking alot more courage to think of leaving than staying.

Are you prepared to "disappear"?<p>Because there have been several times I've been left with the impression that if he could find you he would kill you if you ever left him.<p>There were some very chilling stories on the news when a friend of mine left her husband; one where the STBX husband sat outside the court in his car and waited for his wife to get a restraining order against him; then he rammed her car, jumped in, and stabbed her in the neck with a screw driver.<p>My friend's husband had used a combination of drugs and mind-control on her for years, and she finally caught on to the key words he was using to keep her "under". She mentally started shift other words into place when he'd use them and started literally coming to - he beat her up several times, threatened to kill her, etc. She finally escaped while he was out for the night with the OW, and friends hid her while she filed for divorce - he disappeared. She was freaked because she knew he would hunt her down. She was concerned that he might know where I live - because I was never deceived by his "charm" and he had said that many times (so she knew he thought I was a threat, if she ever got close to me again). <p>Are you willing to leave the state and take on a new life completely if you take this step, because the biggest mistake many women make who have been married to men like you describe your husband, is to stay in the same town, convenient for him to supervise their new life...

If your husband is like this then I would get out also... Always stay one step ahead of him to protect yourself and your children.. if you need help you know where I am.

Annavon - it is hard for the first time meeting your lawyer. I suggest you bring someone you can trust for support. I wished I had, I was shaking, crying at one point, I took evidence after evidence to show how my WH spend thousands (7,000) on the OW in just 5 months. I snooped and found sexual letters, sexual cards, that I took and xeroxed off. I took money orders he had sent, and various other things. I didn't know what to ask, but he knew from looking at all this, that he had a sexual affair. He said, I bet he did and was willing at that point to get an investigator. <p>The first thing I will ever do again if this happens again, is put a hold on your money. This lawyer wanted me too, and I should of. My WH didn't care about his family here, all he cared about was he and the OW.<p>Sorry to go off the subject.
1. Ask someone you truly trust to go with you. As a supporter, and to help you ask questions.
2. Have copies of all your tax statements for the last 5-7 years.
3. Have a copy of his paycheck.
4. Have a copy of your paycheck if any.
5. Give ages of kids.
6. If any medical disabilities of any of the children, show records and statements of serviced rendered for this child.
7. You are pregnant, show the Dr. statements, the up coming delivery, etc. for the birth of this child.
8. Take and take pictures of every room, if possible video tape everything. Even open the drawers of all items in the drawers. You can take pictures too, but video taping is so much faster.
Put a value on things too.
9. Take a video or picture of vehicles, you have. Years, and estimated values. Insurance, and upkeep records too.
10. Take a picture of your house, you might have to have an appraisal done on your house. Show taxes, utility bills, repairs, what needs to be done to complete the house if not completed. To have the house ready to be shown for sale is what they want the house to look like, for money issues. Not that you will sell the house, but for worth of house.
11. If any of your children are in private schools, or preschool. Records of that, to show how much income it takes.
12. If you go to a dermatologist on a regular basis, or any kind of medical treatment for whatever, you need to show that. Like I go to a dermatologist on a regular basis for my Rosacea, you need to show records of that.
13. Dental too, if any children are seeing signs of some dental defect. To have braces needs to be considered. Regular check-ups for the kids, need to show records.
14. There is so much, I can't remember now.
15. If you have carpeting, to have carpet cleaned once a year. Whatever to maintain a household, groceries needed, toilet paper, dishsoap, etc.
16. To maintain food on the table.
17. If anyone is taking medications.
18. He will ask what you want to do!
19. How the children will be taken care of, 50/50 or what?
This is so hard, and I feel for you. I & WH are separating, not divorcing, just separating. This is so hard. I will pray for you.

Thanks Kayla, Mr. Hurt and Thinker.....it is difficult to know what is over reacting and what is being safe.....but there have been 2 murder-suicides in similar situations in the county in the last year so I want to err on the side of caution. One of those was my friend....we had coffee together just the week before she died.<p>Altho I am seeing the lawyer tomorow, I may hold off actually filing till June when I can take off with the kids and not worry about school. I don't feel in danger now...in fact, my H was happily planning to put in a lilac hedge this morning and making plans for the future.......he really will not understand how I feel, despite my best efforts to tell him. I think he may have some mental instability that makes it impossible for him to understand........he has never been able to sustain relationships with anyone, even his own family.
As to the possibility of an OW....does it matter? Do I need to prove it? Because of all the abusive stuff, I would take this route anyway. I knew when I didn't care if there was an OW, there was no point in trying to save our marrieage.

Anna,<p>I will suggest again if you haven't already been to a domestic abuse shelter..GET TO ONE OR AT LEAST CALL!!! They can send a referal to legal aid..and your legal fee's won't be anything...these atty's know the system..and they deal w/ battered woman on a daily basis and understand what needs to be done to protect them..<p>Something I found out today that I didn't know before..is that w/ one of the shelters here,work w/ the local police department w/ getting cell phones for 911 emergency calls to battered women..<p>So if any of you out there have an old cell phone you no longer use..contact your local police department they can reprogram them for 911 calls and they donate them to the abuse shelters..or donate the phone yourself and use the tax right off..<p>Annavon we had a case like that here recently too
a girl left her abuser and he broke into her business and killed her..stabbed her to death..<p>So this is no game...please..please please..Contact a shelter and get help..

Thinker's list was good. The only thing I didn't see on it was a list of outstanding debts, including the balance, the monthly payment, and some sort of notes about which ones are joint and which are individual. Copies of the most recent statement would be useful. If it's there and I missed it, I'm sorry.<p>The evidence of the affair was not at all important in my divorce case. I didn't take any of that stuff in, it wouldn't have made any difference. I live in a no-fault state so it didn't matter why the divorce was taking place.<p>Good luck Annavon.

Annavon,<p>
How did the meeting w/ the lawyer go??

Thanks for asking TR. First of all, here's a link to my other thread on EN that may fill in some gaps.....http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=008620&p=4<p>I'd appreciate advice on that one too.<p>The meeting went well. I really like her. She's very realistic, down to earth, honest... kinda like me, lol. I did go by myself, as I'm not all that emotional about the whole thing anymore. Here is what she said:<p>Iowa has no fault divorce, so it really doesn't make any difference what he did if there were no criminal offenses. Automatic joint custody and split all the property down the middle. One bad thing...everythiing he bought in the last year with HIS inheritance money is HIS. That includes my 2001 van, even tho the title is in my name. Didn't expect that! However, she thinks she can get it for me in the division of property.<p>She wants me to move out before serving papers. Last nite I found a house.....my best friend had bought a new one, and I asked how the sale of the old one was going......she said they decided to rent it out. I asked, she said yes, I can move May 1st! Works well for both of us, as she needs to get in to do some work on it, and I won't care if she calls first or not. <p>Meanwhile, I am gathering up tax returns, filling out forms, saving money, etc. Trying to be pleasant to my H, who really can't figure out why I've been upset with him all these years....... sigh...<p>I'll keep you posted!