edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Since you're posting, I'm assuming you're willing to do what it takes to save your marriage.<P>Read as much as you can here. I would suggest an IMMEDIATE Plan A. Wow him with your change in attitude too. Talk to him--express your feelings and really listen to his too, calmly and encouragingly. Tell him gosh, it seems like both of you got sidetracked in all the responsibilities of raising children, finances, etc. That you want to share his new interests while he shares yours. That you love him and you're excited about all the things ahead of you as a couple. THANK him for pointing out the rut you got in! (You'll surprise the heck out of him, and put him off balance.) Do NOT respond negatively to him, even when he is. Now that doesn't mean roll over and expose your belly, it means STAY CALM and POLITE. Be sweet. Nagging at him now will only push him closer to that woman at work...whom he feels "understands" him when you don't. See? <P>When he seems disengaged from the children, mention how very much you appreciate his help with them, what a wonderful father he is. I'm betting admiration would be a high one on his list of emotional needs, were he to fill out the questionnaire. Give that admiration to him without him having to ask.<P>It may seem for awhile like you're doing all the giving, and it may be true! But think of it as emergency treatment for your marriage during a crisis. Vent here, and with friends. Do not lay anything negative on him right now. You can do it!

Hi Claudia,<BR>I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain and frustrations that bring you here.<P>As always, Lucks is right on the mark. The only thing that I would add would be the suggestion to post and/or read extensively on the infidelity board. I don't want to alarm you but it may be a reality. Most people there agree that there is as serious an issue with an EA (emotional affair) as with a physical one. Do not turn angry, hateful or spiteful if you strongly suspect or confirm either one. The more you read of the MB stuff, the more you will understand why.<P>I have to keep it short right now but will check in tomorrow.<P>You WILL get through this and see a better tomorrow if you want to. And we are all here to help and "listen".<P>Cheers!<BR>Lisa<P>

Forgot to mention. If you go to the "just found out" board, there is a general welcome with some great links to relevant information on the MB web site. It is a post by NSR.<P> Keep smiling, take care of YOU and the kids.

Sounds like the other person is a problem, and maybe a good dose of midlife crisis as well...<BR>You might also want to see this site. <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com/index.html" TARGET=_blank>www.midlife.com/index.html</A> <P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi

Thank you for your advice. It is hard to know quite what to do since he has basically said that he is unwilling to do anything. When he was here he acted like he was in a prison. Now that he is out he is much more open to communication. I am trying to be there to listen. He really seems to lack empathy for me or the kids. Very different for him. Some of my friends think I am being co-dependent or giving him permission for his "wrong" "self-centered" lack of responsibility by listening to him talk about his apartment and all of the things he is doing. I told him I am here to listen. Meanwhile I am trying to take care of my kids. My 10 year old daughter who was the closest to him has refused to talk with him then last night she said that she was going to be nice to him and spend more time with him that maybe that's why he left. I'm afraid she is going to try to be perfect to win him back. Of course I am dealing with it with her. HE has already told her that there is nothing she can do to change the situation. My five year old keeps asking him why he is living in an apartment. He keeps telling her he'll tell her later. How can a dad who was so filled with the joy of his children suddenly turn it off???

Hi again Claudia!<BR>Why you ask? If there is someone else in his life at the moment, he is living in a fantasy that is as far removed from reality as can be imagined.<P>While your friends are well meaning, keep up the acts of kindness and understanding. Without realizing it you are doing a sort of Plan A. Please read as much as you can on the MB web site. Especially about plan A, infidelity, love busters, ....as much as you can and then GO GIRL! As difficult and unfair as it may seem, YOU need to take the ball and run with it. It will not be easy but you can do it. And we are all here to help you through it <P>I strongly urge you to post on the infidelity board. You will get many more responses from people who have been (or currently find themselves) in the same situation as yourself. It is also a little "busier" so there are more responses offered overall. It is important to look at your situation closely and determine how any of the advice you recieve would work in your particular situation. Only you know for sure. Be open minded and open to any and all suggestions, especially those who have tried things that have worked effectively. <P>With regards to your daughter, I'm sure that you are already doing this but please ensure that she KNOWS that she is in no way responsible for what has happened nor is she responsible for changeing it. <P>You seem to be very determined and have a good head on your shoulders. These things combined with your strong desire to make this work will help guide you in your course to success!<P>Cheers!<BR>Lisa<P>

Claudia :<BR>Why, you ask? If we knew the answer we wouldn't need this sight would we? Anyway, my ex did the same and I asked myself those same questions. Mine moved to a complete other state, leaving his kids hundreds of miles away to be with his "true love". He even married her when our divorce was final and never told our kids for two weeks, then popped in unexpectedly with a new step-mom they had never met. My advice would be do whatever is best right now for you and your children. They need you and all your support. Talk to a counselor, if that's possible, and find out ways to help them. When all is said and done and he has come to realize the HUGE mistake he made concerning the children, mine did, maybe they will be able to work things out with their dad. Regardless of what happens with you as a couple, he will always be their dad. Good bad or indifferent. <BR>It's a tough thing to go through. It sounds like you have a handle on things. Keep it up. YOU CAN DO IT. <BR>Good luck.