OK…well here is where I am now. My wife and I have had a crapy relationship for at least the past year. (We’ve been married 4yrs) I would say the past 4 months have been the worst. In my opinion with both NEVER really tried. I took the entire relationship for granted, and I take full reasonability to the failures that I contributed to.
We started to see a marriage counselor about a little over a month ago. I was on board with seeing someone. We had one session by ourselves, then one together. After the first one as a couple she came to me and said she didn’t know if she was 100% committed to healing our marriage. We agreed that we needed to take a 30 day separation so we could figure all this out and do some soul searching. Well, the day after we talked about this “30 days”, I find out she is having an “emotional” affair with a married man with two children. She came home that evening, and we had a very adult conversation, there was no yelling or screaming. I asked her to pack her things and leave, that there was not room in this house for infidelity. I stated she could take this “30 days” to figure out if she is “committed” to our marriage, and at the end of these 30 days, maybe I still will be. This was on a Tuesday. We didn’t speak again until Sunday. During that break apart I came to realization that I played a very large part in contributing to her affair. Now, NOT the actual part of the affair, but I contributed up to the part where she would even be tempted with something like that. I truly believe that if we would have had a happy home life, and a loving marriage, this would not have happened.<p>I had one meeting with our counselor after finding out about the affair, and before I spoke again with my wife. The one thing that he said to me that really “stuck” in my head was…”did you mean what you said when you committed to her on your wedding day”. My answer was “Yes”. His response was “Well, what’s the problem?”. I stated, “well, I don’t think she is”. His reply, that really set in was “What does that have to do with you?”. That statement really hit home, and has helped me understand within myself that despite what has happened, I am still 100% committed to our marriage. I have a firm standing that our marriage is worth saving, and that we can get beyond where we are now, and use this as a building block for repairing and building the marriage of our dreams. My wife and I spoke that following Sunday, which will be three weeks this coming Sunday. I shared with her my feeling, that I am standing firm in the fact that our marriage can be rebuilt better and stronger, that I still love her, and I can learn to forgive. I asked little details about the affair, but I do know it was going on for three months, and I know that she had decided to call it off with this guy and focus on her home life even before I found this out. <p>Ok…so now it is has been about 2 weeks since I found this out and since we started our “30 days”. I am doing much better than I was the first few days, and I have come to understand that I will be a better person because of this….if not for her, someone else. I won’t make the same mistakes again! I really feel pretty good about myself. I have turned to the bible for an understanding of our marriage and what it should stand for. The bible has only deepened my feeling on healing our marriage. When my wife and I spoke that Sunday I told her I knew we could heal this and be better because of it. She asked “How I know this”….I replied with one word “faith”.<p>I emailed her yesterday (1st time we have communicated since the Sunday) asking if she would be up for taking care of the dogs while I was out of town this weekend. I also shared with her that I have been looking to the bible for an understanding, and that it has not only increased the faith I have in our marriage but in the Lord as well. I shared with her that I am standing firm on our marriage. I asked her how she was doing and so on.<p>She replied today saying that she is doing OK, and is on an emotional roller coaster. And that what she is going through is not easy. She apologized for how all this came about. And stated that “we both have a lot of Soul Searching to do and that it sounds like I have a good start and that, that was good to hear”. She stated that she wishes she had more to say, but that she not ready for that, and that she is sorry. She thanked me for being patient and understanding. I replied back once again, and told her not to be sorry for how this came about, and that we needed something to knock us off the brutal road we were on. I told her not to be sorry for not saying more, and I understood we both need time. I also said that I clearly understand where she is, and that she shouldn’t feel any pressure from this side…. to just understand that I am here for her at anytime.<p>
So…how does this sound to everyone? I want to save my marriage…I want to heal it. Am I doing the right thing by giving her time and space? I am guessing it is, since it is so hard to do. I really want to talk to her and try and help her and small part of me wants to pack her crap and tell her never to come back. However, I know that nothing I could say could help her. She needs to help herself at this point. I did put a small flower on her car with a small note, telling her that I was thinking of her. I have remained pretty distant…I don’t want to seem overbearing…but at the same time I want her to know that I will continue to stand firm!<p>Any suggestions or encouragement would be great.<p>Thanks!

Welcome, and sorry that you are here.<p>Putting a flower on her car was sweet. <p>Read about the basics here.<p>Then try to start Plan A.<p>This should give you a general idea of how to kick start saving your marriage.<p>Good Luck!<p>Any questions, just holler!<p>Elizabeth

Welcome Jeeper.<p>Glad you are here and it sounds like good advice you got from your counselor and great first steps to let this be a time of immeasurable growth personally. <p>Since you are on your own - you might find a little more free time in your life than you have had. I used that time to read Gary Smalley's "Winning Your Wife Back Before it is Too Late." and "Surviving An Affair" (SAA) by Harley. Winning Your Wife back actually focuses on using this time to gain immeasurable ground in your relationship to God. The book is told like a football strategy book - easy reading and also has a thoughtful closing chapter about why after all you do, it might not work - but will you walk with God and commit to growth regardless. <p>A friend who just successfully proposed to his x-wife - he got nowhere focused on trying to save the marriage - but when he let go and focused on becoming a better person, pursuing God - she saw the change, and felt protected again to re-engage in their relationship. They became engaged Valentines Day last month. I'm still trying to learn that lesson. Easy to write about it! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And if you can afford the counseling with Harley - that would be excellent - or perhaps talk through SAA with your current counselor who sounds pretty solid.<p>Keep posting your questions. You might also want to jump over the the "Just Found Out" site - there are lots of people who are working through the issues you raise.<p>~ Luc

Jeeper, it appears to me that you've come a remarkable distance in a remarkably short time. I'd give you about three thumbs up if I could find another thumb somewhere...<p>I like your counselor.<p>The flower and the note was a nice gesture, but it may have done more harm than good. Or, it may have done more good than harm. Who knows? As you have already recognized, you are engaged in a balancing act. Most likely, one involving a blindfold. I think you would be wise to go slow, but it sounds like that's what you are doing.<p>So my advice is to keep doing what you're doing, and try not to second-guess yourself too much.

I am a 36 yr old lady who has been with my h since I was 19....we have been married for 14 years (My story is under divorcing/divorced "My husband is a severe mamma's boy and mamma is nuts!!) lol! Our marriage is very rocky right now, but, some of the things you wrote about sound familiar. <p>Unfortunately, my h won't seek help with me....you sound like you are on the right track and getting help. All too often in marriage, we say "If only our spouse would change" and we don't look at ourselves and try to improve ourselves. You seem to be doing that. I have done that. My h won't and I don't know what else I can do about it. Anyway, you have started down the right path....continue to seek advice here and the best of luck to you.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and ideas. I am taking about a week vacation, and leaving today. I will post more as things happen.<p>Thanks again.

I have been out of town with a buddy for about a week. My wife is staying that his house with his wife, for the time being. Well...we get home today and start snooping around on the computers at their house. I find out today that my wife is still seeing the OM and she lied about it only being an EA....it turns out he has been drilling her. My plan was to not confront her until after I spoke with my counselor. I am reading through all of these very painful and detailed emails, trying to figure out what the hell to do….and she shows up. I close all the computer stuff off and head outside to unpack the car. At this point I am really in a state of shock. She walks by and says “hey”….I ignore her and continue on for about 2 steps. I couldn’t take it! There was no way I was going to be able to wait a few days to confront her on this one. I turn around…and follow her back into the room she is staying and close the door. The shouting and yelling match was on! I pretty much called her every name in the book…I told her I WAS 100% committed to our marriage before I found out she was banging the guy, and that I HAD absolute faith we could heal our marriage. I told her I no longer had that same feeling and I wanted her and her crap out of my house. I said several things like this and it went on and on for awhile…maybe an hour or so. After I got all this out (I did feel better…sad to say) we did start to speak like sensible adults. She told me that she hates what she has become, and everything she is and does and that I do deserve someone better. I agreed. <p>She then broke down and balled for the first time since all this came to light, a few weeks ago. She was telling me how what she has been through has been very hard and so on. I told her that I had ZERO sympathy for what she is felling and I would trade her in a second not to be feeling this massive pain in my heart she has created. I told her that just once I would like to be on the other side of an affair…how what tough choices and decisions to make…having to pick between two men. Must be rough. She told me that she has been trying to break it off with the OM and that this Friday was the day that they would no longer communicate. (wah!) <p>She stayed at the house for a few nights while I was out of town…she shared how painful and sleepless those nights were. I told her that yes, I understood how hard it is to stay in the house with all our memories and stuff. I told her she should put herself in my shoes…I have been staying there for the past four weeks ALONE!<p>She shared that when all this first came to light (D-day) she really didn’t see any hope in us getting our marriage back together. Since then she has heard all of my friends and her friends talk about how much I have changed over the past several weeks, and how I have come to realize that I contributed to the failure of our marriage. She said that, that has opened her eyes up some and she is staring to see some hope. I shared with her that I don’t want her coming back just because she thinks I have changed…she can only come back when she is 100% committed to being with me, and taking on some changes herself, and she needs to come to the realization that she also contributed to the death of our marriage. Until she can reach that point, she is not welcome in our home. <p>We talked back and forth for awhile and the communication became better. I shared what I was feeling…that part of me wanted her to pack her crap and get out, and part of me wanted her to come home…both which I know are not the right choices at this time. We did make a decision to get an apartment so she could move out of our friend’s house. She is moving into a three month lease tomorrow. I am helping her move our spare bed. (that’s all she is taking!) Part of me thinks she is moving to an apartment to wait this other guy out and see if he is going to leave his wife and kids…if he does she goes with him. If he stays put…she’ll come back to me, and I will be considered 2nd choice. I shared this with her and told her I will not be 2nd to anyone. She told me that the apartment was not for that reason, and she needed it to be by herself and think. I did find emails where she hinted around to giving the OM a key.<p>The last thing she told me today was that even though today was really bad and we talked about some really bad things…she actually felt better about the situation.<p>At this point I am really confused! I have worked very hard the past 4 weeks to get to the point I was, and it all got blown up today. Now, I have to start all over. Before, I had something to hold on to…something special, she hadn’t actually slept with the OM. Now, today I find out that she had, and that was the one thing I was really holding on to. Now, I can’t help but title her with adultery and betrayal. I can’t get the images of some other man banging her out of my mind. But, at the same time….I still feel heavily committed to our marriage. Part of me wants to take what seems like the easy way and start all over with someone else. There are tons of women out there…tons that would be happy to have a guy like me….tons that would not put a man through pain like this. So tell me…..why do I want to stay committed to my marriage? Is it really worth the long road we are going to have to take? Is it worth all this pain? Could we even get through it? Could it happen again? Couldn’t I be happy or happier with someone who has not done this to me? Heck! I don’t know. This SUCKS!

Jeeper -
I am so sorry. I can feel the pain in your post, and remember my own pain when dealing with a similar situation. My H convinced me and his school board and everyone else that his affair with his principal was only an emotional one. I am coming to believe there is no such thing as an EA, or that they are very rare. The truth came to light about 5 weeks after the first admission of the affair, and it felt like a punch in the stomach, or heart, I guess! Like you, I was totally committed to working on my marriage after the first D day. I felt our problems weren't unsurmountable. Then came the second sucker punch. I still felt God was telling me to work on my marriage, and I recognized the problems I had contributed to our marriage. He lost his job as a result of his affair and the lying surrounding it, and soon resumed his affair while we were "trying." I think you will know when your wife is giving 100%. I wanted my H to give 100%, and I tried to convince myself he was, but he wasn't. Continue on the path you are on - turning to God at every chance. If the result of all this is that you are closer to God, then that is a great thing. I'm thinking of you-<p>WhoamInow

Well...after I posted last night I pretty much has a sleepless night. I did lots of thinking. One thing that came into my mind was, deep down I knew there was a PA going on. I had already prepared myself for it, and I was still going to be 100% committed when I "for sure" found out. Well...yesterday I got the facts, I found out and while at first I stumbled on my commitment, I later came to realize that what I discovered will not change the stance I am taking. <p>I said some pretty bad things to her yesterday, and I do regret saying those. I am trying to do what will be right when I look back years from now, not what may feel right at the moment. Yesterday, I was doing what felt good at the moment. I also called the OM and left a voice mail for him at work. Nothing too harsh….on the first D-day I emailed him and told him I was going to tell his wife and family and so forth. He came back with that his family already knows that he plays his own cards. I have since found out that his wife does not know. I told him he should be watching his back…I am about to play some cards for him…since he is not “man” enough to play them himself. I really think his wife has a right to know she is married to a total loser! However, I am not sure how to go about this one. Maybe I should just leave it alone.<p>I sent her (my wife) an email today, and apologized for the things I said, but hopefully she can see the pain I am going through and constant forces I am dealing with emotionally. I told her, that what I discovered yesterday is not changing the stance I am taking to save our marriage, and while I stumbled on that stance yesterday, I stand even stronger now.<p>I told her I don’t plan on sharing what I found out yesterday with anyone but our marriage counselor and my priest. I told her that it was my job as her husband to honor and protect my wife. By me sharing our details with the world was not protecting her image. I told her I would honor her image as best I could as her husband.<p>I told her to have a good day, look to the positive things, and that hopefully we are at the bottom now, and we can start moving upward. I told her that if there is one word I wanted to share with her at this time, it was “Faith”. I told her faith was strong that I hoped someday she could share this feeling with me.<p>However, I am not going to be a doormat or second best to anyone. Some how I want to tell her this. How do I go about this? I also want her to understand that I don’t “need” her. I am making a choice to save our marriage!<p>I have a meeting with our counselor by myself in the morning, and then I think we have one as a couple next week. I’ll post tomorrow on what comes out of my session.<p>Thanks.

Well...I meant with my "coach" (I like that term better) today and he helped a lot. I filled him in on all the details that I uncovered since Wednesday. He said I need to set some firm grounds rules with my wife. And suggested that if my wife continues on current path, and being involved with someone else, that I should not stand around and suffer through the pain. I should tell her that I will not put myself through that pain, and that she can do what she wants...but it will not be with both me and the OM. He stated that from today forward if she continues to disrespect our marriage and show no signs of wanting to rebuild, that I should file for legal separation and begin to prepare for a divorce. At the same time he told me not to become demanding with her...only tell her where I stand, firm on rebuilding our marriage and what I am willing to accept and what I am not. She can make up her own mind if she is willing to work with my requirements.
He stated that we cannot begin to rebuild our marriage while either one of is involved with someone else. Is she is the slight bit interested in “us” she needs to have complete separation from the OM. (thankfully he lives in another city)<p>I am going to communicate with her today, that we have a small window of opportunity to repair our marriage. If she continues to have relations with the OM I will close the window forever and move on. I am going to relay this in a way that does not sound demanding...just that I can only take so much.<p>We are also going to talk about the apartment today, as I am maybe helping her move some stuff. I have some requirements on this one as well...IF she is planning on using this to be with the OM...I will not be helping or providing any type of support for it, and I will file for a separation next week. If I catch her lying on this ANY…at least a legal separation will be in order.<p>I want to also somehow communicate that I love her deeply, and that I will do whatever it takes (within reason) to save our marriage. That I am still 100% committed to her.<p>Should be an interesting afternoon.

OK…had the meeting. It went as well as to be expected. We talked about some basics, as far as the apartment and all and we came to agreements easily on all that stuff. We also talked about her not seeing the OM anymore. She says she understands that she can’t see or speak to him anymore, not only for the chance to save our marriage but so she can figure herself out. She knows she can’t get a hold of herself with him in the picture. I told her that if she does get the need to call him and she does, she is closing the door on chance of recovering our marriage. I told her that if I find out any new lies from her forward….we are done. I told her I will not be a doormat and I will not put myself through that pain. She shared that she does not know if we will make it, but she is willing to take the next 30 to find out. So, the next 30 days or so is for us both to figure out if we want this to work. We are basically going to be dating…doing 2-3 things together a week. I told her I am committed to our marriage, however I have some very large issues to look past and I am not sure that I want her back. I told her I will have the marriage of my dreams…I just don’t know if it will be with her. However, I also shared that if we could both get to the point where we were 100% committed, that I knew we could make it. The hard part now is getting to that point. I told her basically the only thing driving me to save my marriage now is my faith in Christ. If it wasn’t for that, I can’t say for sure that I would even being thinking of saving my marriage.
What really hurts is I found out they didn’t actually sleep together until after the first discovering I made (D day 1). So…that really sucks! She said that she figured after I found out…that there was no way we would ever heal our marriage and that it was over between us. According to her, they have slept together twice. I know the dates and such basically because of the emails.<p>I asked her if she was going to be honest from her forward…she said she could and that was the only way to go. So, I started it off right…I asked her if she has spoken with him today, and said that yes she has. She said they agreed to talk one more time this weekend…I said I was not “OK” with that and she needed to end it with him now. She asked if she could have one more call to him. I reluctantly said yes, and that I would want to know how it went and what was said. <p>I have been reading “Surviving and Affair”. I am only on around page 100…but it has helped me understand better what she is going through. I told her I understood some of what she is going through, and that I know she has deep feeling for this OM. She stated that is not necessarily “him” but what they shared together. I tried to be as understanding as possible and reassured her that I felt we could someday have that same feeling together. She said she knows she could never be with him and what they have is nothing but a dream. She said she knows in the real world they would never work. She said she knows the OM would never leave his wife and family and that she is not sure if she wants to leave ours. <p>She will be here at the house shortly and we are going to be moving some things. We talked about the things she could take, I said no to a few items and she was OK with that. She asked to take the cats, I told her NO, I was really enjoying them being here. <p>I have booked most of my schedule up this weekend, and she has to work. However, I do have some time Sunday evening and I was thinking of asking her to dinner or something…it is Easter and all. What do you think about the dinner and everything else? I really do want to save my marriage and I really do want to learn to get past all the visual images I have in my mind and all the deep pain this has caused. I really do want to learn from this and grow. At this point…I just really don’t know if I can.<p>Thanks.
Jeeper

Jeeper,<p>I am so sorry for your pain and anger. I can relate to your devastation, having been terribly betrayed by my WH.<p>It will hurt for a LONG time. This is a new way of life now. You cannot go back. I wanted so much for it to just be a nightmare that I could just wake up from, but it was a real horror.<p>This is the dark valley, the shadow of death and evil. Read Psalm 23. The Lord will carry you right through this painful time. Flames of destruction are surrounding you and it hurts like H$%^.<p>But, you have a COMFORTER and He will lead you to all the comfort you need. Like counselors, online discussion, new friends, books... He will even draw you out of your fear into an even more mature and stronger self.<p>Trust in Him...<p>The Marriage Tribunal in your Archdiocese is the expert resource for you right now. They will assist you in navigating a separation based on Canon law for adultery... They can also guide you through all your options for the future: separation, divorce, annulment, reconciliation...<p>God Bless you! Jesus has Risen!