I am not even to the point where she will try to work on the marriage (In fact she has been talking to a lawyer) but if we do get back together how awkward is sex after an affair (she had the affair) I can't even imagine being comfortable or intimate with her right now. I do want to work this out though.

I could go into great detail, but I'll spare you. It was kind of weird for me.<p>His girlfriend was 23, blonde, thin, everything I am not. So there were a lot of feelings of being not as good, or not being able to preform the same way.<p>It was hard for a while, it was difficult to achieve an orgasm, and it was difficult to completely let go and relax.<p>It got better, when I decided to try and ignore the bimbo and concentrate on what was happening at the moment. He and I were together, and he chose to be with me, not her.<p>I guess it comes down to being able to trust in the relationship. You need to be able to relax with your spouse, know that they are thinking of you not the other person.<p>We divorced in Feb, 2 years after d-day. So I guess I could never get over that trust thing. I still feel like there is something wrong with me, and that some way I am just not so good. Those are the things that I'm working on with the shrink though, hopefully I will be able to get a handle on this trust issue so I can eventually have a fufilling sexual relationship.<p>It is different for everyone though. Some people are able to just pick up where they left off and get on with their sex life.<p>Hope things end up working out for you.<p>Elizabeth

Without going into great detail also, if you are a BS, it is very awkward and hard to become intimate again after the affair. I've been thru this twice now. The third time, we ultimately divorced.<p>I had 5 more great years each time I suffered through rebuilding the trust, and working it out, so it can be done. But it is a lot of work.<p>The third time I didn't have the energy to try it again. We were older, and there were no more excuses.<p>You experience flashbacks of how passionate you may have been before the affair. If you've seen the OP, you can get images of your WS and the OP and it is very disturbing. You wonder if the OP was better than you, or what was so good that your WS left, so you are very focused on the affair in those moments. <p>You really do have to focus hard to let go. It doesn't come naturally, no pun intended, and I hate to say this, but deep in your mind, you'll always know and it may never quite be the same as before you lost the innocense you had , before you found out the discovery.<p>Good luck,
Dana

Thanks for the replies. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in this.

There is no way to not feel awkward. The comparison thing is a tough thing for any BS to get over , and as someone who is teetering on the brink of chucking it all and moving on, I must say that the feelings justthewife described are there for me too and I am a male. WE have had limited relations since this recovery ( if that's what I'm in) and I have found that it's not the best I've ever had and not the worst. eventually you have to accept the fact that you can't change anything. I have learned a great deal about myself in the past year and a half, and the one thing I am sure of is that I am a better person now. This will be good for my WS or whoever I might wind up with. A side not to justthe wife... I have read your post and I hope you do find a way to trust again, you were not the problem. I am sure you will find happiness again. I was tempted to join you guys for dinner last week ( I am from the area), but since I am not quite at a point where you all seem to be I did not want to bring everyone down. Best of luck to all of you, We all deserve better.

Mark H - <p>DORK<p>You should have come!!! Thanks for telling me that it's not me. That is one of those things that you know and can say, but actually believing it in your heart is for some stupid reason really hard.<p>We were in all different places! I am done and ready to move on, still have lots of baggage though. Luc is trying to put things back together, hasn't filed for divorced or anything, and the others were somewhere in-between.<p>Email me and I'll put you on my locals list.<p>You WILL join us next time!<p>Elizabeth

Rob,
I had relations with my now x in one of our reconcilation. It was somewhat awkward, but okay. It wasn't much different from the last year or so which was pretty bad anyhow.<p>The next time we got back together, x told me we should hold off on physical stuff for a while. She ended up going back to om.<p>I hate to be a downer, but have you considered STDs???