I get so frustrated and confused. I feel empty some days and on top of the world the next. I cry for 5 mins, and i rejoice after an evening well spent. I FEEL UNSTABLE!!! There's reality.<p>We separted in 1999, our divorce was final in 2000 and we didn't talk socially for 8 mos after separation. He cheated on his sort of live in girlfriend (he stayed at her place sun-fri) not weekends with our daughter he stayed at his house. She finally found out by my hand in the summer of 2000. But then he would spend a couple weeks back and forth and lying all the while to the one he was with.
Last year 2001 after he was convicted of assualt charges he went away with her, he then contacted me and that evening i contacted her she came over to his place i left but 4 hours came back and while she was there i preceded to tell him no more. Before i walked out the door he grabbed my arm told me to stay and asked her to leave. Telling her he wanted me to be there and he had contacted me. From there 2001 we proceeded to stumble thru the year. In late 2001 she contacted me to tell me he calls her still and wants to go away with her again. I blew it off and told her they needed to deal with unresolved issues. But it ruined our christmas and New Years we were apart. I began dating again, this year vowing no more. HAHA
We have been spending time together since feb of this year. We went on a nice 3 day trip. But even in this short time he has vanished 2 times for a couple days. No contact as we live apart, we usually speak on the phone. I did find him on the phone with her once and he still wouldn't admit to it even when i hit *69.
Monday night he disappeared after saying he would call on his way home. I went to his place tuesday morning and i swear i heard a females voice, he never answered the door. He states he was sleeping.
Rebuilding trust seems almost impossible.
By the way in January of this year he spent time with the same woman again. It would of been different if it had been dating anybody but her.
Quite honestly i feel she will always be there btw us.
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
Monday night i went to his house and he wasn't home neither was his car. I didn't tell him i had gone there. But he told me that he dropped his car off before going out. I know that isn't true. It destroys me inside that he lies still.
Similar situations?
Advice?
I have read the sight.
I was the one that initiated the separation, he didn't.
Do you think someone can actually be this vengeful?
This woman stated the only reason my ex spends time with me is to see his daughter. Apparently he told her i refuse him access.
Which is no where even close to true. We fight becasue he doesn't pick her up on a regular basis when we don't spend time together.

WHY???? or should it be WHY!!!!<p> You are divorced, he's seeing you because he can get some, and move on, and you let him. Why should he commit to anyone? He's able to have his cake and eat it too, why should he change? <p> You need to go find someone else, and move on. Stop seeing him, except in public as needed for the kids etc. No more trips etc, unless there is a sincere effort for both to get back together. Anything else is a waste of time

Your Ex is definitely having his cake and eating it too.<p>Even though you are divorced, you may want to try some of the divorcebusting techniques like the 180 - I think someone just posted the list here. They may help your Ex make up his mind. K

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I realize what your saying.
Trust me i haven't been sitting around waitig for him.
I have dated and been in a few relationships since we separated in 1999.
Varying degrees of relationships if you get my meaning.
It's just that we always still have this desire for one another.
We have talked, and we know this.
We have tried just dumping each other completely and we both agree we aren't ready for that.
We also recognize that we aren't ready to move in together.
We also recognize what we have done wrong...admitted it without prompting or excusing.
We also know there are area's for improvement.
That's why.
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My thing is IT'S FRUSTRATING<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

Where are the two of you in your relationships?
Just separated or divorced ......?

looking ahead,<p>I can relate. See my signature line. <p>The best I can tell you is get in counseling and start working on yourself. The problems don't go away on there own. He needs to be committed to counseling too.<p>There is a lot to learn about yourself. But also ditto what the other reply's say: he has no reason to change. You have to try something different. If you are not happy with the way your life is you have to accept responsibility and change it. You have some control of what goes on in your life. Set some boundaries for him to be in the relationship and if he is unwilling be strong enough to walk away. Easier said then done, I know. <p>Me and my H have both come a long way - Me more than him. But I see he is trying.

yes i am in counselling and reading different things and i am more aware of myself then i have ever been before.
I know enough that i want another child and a safe constant harmonous environment to live in
Where i feel stable and secure and respected.<p>Sometimes i think this can happen with him
Other times i do not
He tends to regress alot

But i am not perfect either.
I have done some good chnages and other areas i still struggle

looking ahead, Although I'm not yet divorced, I've been in a similar type of relationship. 15 months ago my 50 y.o. H moved out suddenly and a 21 y.o. married employee of ours moved out from her H and in with him. They have been living together on and off since that time. <p>He has been "cheating" on her with me since the 1st month of their relationship. He tells me he loves me, promises to leave her, then when we are getting really close (too close for him I guess) he bolts and I don't hear from him for a while only to find out he's back with OW. This has happened over and over again. When he is back with her, he becomes very verbally abusive towards me. H is an alcoholic/addict as well.<p>I finally gave him an ultimatum: sobriety and give up OW or finish divorce process I began last July and stopped at his request. He chose OW so we are back in divorce process. <p>I hope I can break out of the cycle. I don't want this to continue and H has no motivation to end it. Like your XH, he has been having his cake and eating it too.

One thing i should carify
I asked for the separation.
He filed the actual divorce papers<p>I started dating immediately like after i asked to separate and he waited a while.<p>I believe he had an affair during our marriage i just don't have proof.
I would come home and our daughter would say her cousin was over and i found a different pack of smokes then ex buys. He said belonged to his brother.<p>He just moves faster then i do in relationships. It takes me a long while to feel right.<p>I knowing and wanting became the other woman but grew attached to him after a couple months and resented him for it.<p>Last year 2001 he stopped seeing her for 10 months.<p>He tells me he saw her at the beginning of this year because i stated i was having lunch with a friend.<p>I do believe him. He needs someone. I just know that he doesn't love her.<p>But in the end.<p>I have these feelings.....
i love him and i don't doubt that.
I just have troubles feeling okay today.
I feel sad sometimes.
...and other times i feel excited.
Today is a sad day.
What makes it even worse is tomorrow would of been 7 years of marriage and 13 years together.<p>I don't even think he'll remember.<p>The last two years he always did something totally great. So i expect it this year.<p>He also gave me a ring called eternity
Stating that's how long we'll be together.
... i don't wear it all that much because i am hurt he wears a ring on his "ring finger" that he bought while on vacation.
Symbolizm is very important to me.
I am a little insecure.
Not that she can come btw us. In the end he has always chosen me.
It's always me that walks or gets angry.
Okay not always but uggh i don't know
I feel trapped with despair...

I was pretty upset with Ex for saying that we don't celebrate our anniversay because only married people do. (when infact we have celebrated it quite nicely since our separation and divorce)<p>Last night he came home and we listened to music by ourselves no child, and he gave me a beautiful jewlery box with a most thoughtful card and message inside.<p>Of coarse i have renewed faith in him now.<p>Just so you know i gave him a couple items and something very personal too.... (by personal i don't mean anything sexual) although that too! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 26, 2002: Message edited by: looking ahead ]</p>

He is always saying that he feels we should be understanding that we both need time with friends and that we shouldn't feel threatened.
Friday night i was asked to join a friend in listening to her hubby play dinner music for this bar/resturant. I went home after work called Ex told him and i could tell he was upset. BUT previously in the week he had "male bonded" and i wasn't the least upset.
He obviously is with me since he has had no contact with me since then and has even not bothered to call our daughter wishing her well on Easter.
I even let him know i had to do 4 hours today but to no avail as he hasn't bothered to call.
It doesn't bother me, which surprises me.
I see it this way.
I wouldn't date a man who was threatened or caused problems for my child. Why would i try to reconcile with a man who when mad at me treats her with disrespect?
ANSWER
I can't.
Icing on the cake.
I deserve more and so does she.<p>But i imagine he wanted it this way. I sort of did too. But i think i was holding out hope.